Mystic Falls Messenger
Original Sin: humanity’s state of sin resulting from the fall of man, stemming from Adam and Eve disobeying God by eating from the forbidden tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Or the Fractured Fairy Tale that is our story!
Editor’s note: Ruthie’s gonna make your eyes bleed with this week’s outstanding screencaps!
EXTREMELY COLD OPEN
It’s been so long
Long hard days
They don’t say
God’s changed my ways
Change my ways
Those evil ways
(Props to the musical staff for the promo use of Blues Saraceno (Justice Mix) song, Evil Ways. ‘Twas way cool in the editorial staff‘s humble opinion.)
A dark pair of worn boots shuffled and staggered past a Route 29 sign in the gloomy night. The faint light of a broken neon sign arose out of the darkness. Had The Rippah returned? What version of disheveled and dazed Stefan stumbled in to that low-life bar four hours after last call? Who could blame the overworked barmaid for offering to put on a pot of coffee.
Stefan was one to EAT and scream RUNNNNNNNNNNN! She’d been too tasty, he had to lunge out the door after her. Too bad it was sunup. You want that breakfast FRIED, Rippah? Park your knees in handicapped parking indeed!
The aforementioned interlude was brought to you by Elena’s psychic connection to her ex-BF, as she jumped up gasping in Damon’s bed. And not for the good reason *ahem*. It’s not nice to wake the Woobie unless it’s frisky time! Lay down or put out! *sigh* Well, going back to sleep was an epic failure, even though Elena apologized for the Stefmare, she might as well tell him since his brain was workin overtime on the worst scenario possible. So vivid–Stefan, red awning, broken neon sign, spontaneous combustion. Trying to lighten the mood, Damon snarked about a crystal ball to conjure up the address–only they had a ballsy houseguest who had it already. Katherine.
Route 29. Joe’s Ba(r). She’d had the exact same dream. Bitch stole the ‘Wood’ outa the morning! No more sleepin in, it was time for recon! (Editorial note: Thankfully, Katherine had finally showered, done her hair, and gotten rid of the raccoon eyes!) Once dressed and downstairs, Elena scribbled and gazed sorrowfully at Stefan’s daylight ring while Damon got busy (no, not THAT way) discovering there were nine bars on Route 29, none of them named Joe’s.
Never far behind, Kat showed up, bag in hand, calling shotgun due to human foible carsickness. Roadtrip! Elena was NOT pleased she was coming with, but if Steflas wanted Katherine bad, Damon wanted her badder. Equally unpleased Kat hated being stuck in a car with America’s Most Boring, but if Elena hadn’t ‘Cured’ her, she wouldn’t need ‘guarding’.
Katherine wanted to find Stefan, too, since she cared about him *barf*–and Elena must care a lot about Stefan, too, or they wouldn’t have been dreamsharing! This wasn’t gonna be your dream roadtrip, and get in the back with your designer barfbag, bitch!
PHONE SEX IS A LESS HAZARDOUS OPTION
TAKE THE PLEDGE
IN OTHER PARTS OF OUR STORY, Steflas rang up Nadia on her prepaid, low minute, budget cell to play phone games. He was parked in a vehicle somewhere, and she was…where? She knew how much Steflas hated Travelers, so to prove her allegiance she’d offed her bud Gregor. What if that was a ruse and he was still alive?
Nadia tried to convince Steflas–he’d seen it with his own eyes and buried the evidence! Okay, fine. What if Tacky Ring brought Gregor back to life? Steflas needed assurances he and Nadia were on the same side. Steflas instructed her to find out if Matt was still alive, and kill him. Nadia suggested they hold up–what if Matt could help them find Katherine? Well. Plan alteration: get the info they needed, rip off the Ring, and THEN kill him. She could handle that! There was Matt, not 15 feet away from her behind the bar at The Mystic Grill. Danger, Matt, danger!
THERE IS A CABIN IN THE WOODS…
Non-deep-fried Stefan awoke in a strange cabin, being watched over by an odd, dark girl who brought him bloodbag dinner. Good morning sunshine! He warned her off, then practically ripped off her hand going for the bloodbag. She’d seen everything–a vampire doppelganger burdened by a conscience. Amazingly clued in for a total stranger.
She’d saved him from burning to death outside the bar, and pulled him from the quarry prior to that. Liar, liar, vamp on fire! She’d figured out where Stefan was and had the ‘former’ cabin owner (past tense) pull the safe from the water. Stefan ate him in thanks. Stefan wondered how she knew he was a doppelStefan? She’d seen his face before on someone else. Who was she? Um, how much did Stefan know about Silas? 25 words or less would do. Bloodthirsty immortal mass murder, identity thief, and safe dropper. Mystery odd girl wasn’t overly impressed, he survived–barely.
He’d almost flipped his humanity switch but didn’t so he could be ‘himself’ when he killed Silas. (So much for return of The Rippah. NOT.) Stef was goin after Steflas–hey, dude, not without a daylight ring. Dammit! Stef KNEW there was a loophole! Odd girl rather wistfully related that Silas wasn’t always a monster…
DATELINE 2000-YEAR FLASHBACK: Ancient Greece. Silas was formerly a simple man in love with a simple One True Love Soulmate. They thought their love was eternal. Ha. Odd girl was clued in to all this because she was the One True Soulmate. Stefan inquired how she got into the HIC ET NUNC? (Sorry. You KNOW we’ve been dyin to work that into a recap for several years, right?) Love bends the rules. She and Silas were the most powerful members of a gifted people called Travelers. SO WHAT THE EFF ARE TRAVELERS?
The pair got engaged, but wanted more–eternity. Stefan knew the story (well, Shane’s version). Everything was hunky-dory until some witch named Qetsiyah screwed him over. WRONG! Silas convinced Qetsiyah that he loved her so she’d make the immortality spell (convinced being the operative word).
When Qetsiyah found out he was just using her, she dumped him in a tomb with The Cure, hoping he’d take it and die. She’d also created a supernatural limbo to trap his soul. Sounded like Silas was pretty much powerless next to her, huh? Qetsiyah did it all by herself! In the present, Silas wanted to destroy supernatural limbo (The Other Side), take The Cure, become mortal and die, finally passing on and finding peace and his piece of *cough* (fill in the blank). Not really that much different than what Shane told everybody. Stef was confused. If she really was the One True Soulmate, why didn’t she and Silas just run off together now? Silas was HER True Love, she never said SHE was HIS True Love.
She’s Qetsiyah ‘Ket-SEE-ah‘. AND STOP FRIGGIN MISPRONOUNCING IT! Clearly Stef had heard the XY version of the story. Time for the XX version! She was dead and on The Other Side for 2000 years. She came back to make blue fireplace flames. And for Stefan. Huh?
‘ARE WE THERE YET?’ BEATS AWKWARD
Do your kids ever whine in the car? It isn’t HALF as bad as backseat Kat-snark. Trust us. Damon wondered if the roadtrippers even knew what they were lookin for, since they’d already passed a bar with a red awning and broken neon sign. The Identicals BOTH swore they’d know it when they saw it. By way of passing the time, Kat got katty about Elena’s *ahem* dreams about Stefan all summer while sleeping with his brother. AWKWARD!
Call them what you may, dreams, gut feelings–MAYbe deep down there was still a connection and Stefan was really Elena’s One True Love. Ugh. Damon wanted to compel her into muteness. OR, maybe since Elena’d ignored Stefan’s reaching out for help that he’d resorted to reaching out to Katherine, the one person he trusts. *mutual Delena eye roll* Nah.
Probably just coincidence that she and Elena had the exact same dream on the exact same night. Didn’t necessarily MEAN anything (bitch gettin in Damon’s head, we could just SEE it!)
THE MANY SHADES OF MATT DONOVAN
CAN WE GET TO 50 SHADES OF EFFED UP?
Matt the quarterback. Matt the everybody dumped boyfriend. Matt the loyal. Matt the brave. Matt the busboy. Matt the manager. Matt the Euro-tourist. Matt the ménàge a trois master. Matt the corpse. Matt the black-eyed demon possessed. Matt the Czech? Matt was on garbage detail at The Grill when he caught Nadia lurkin in the alley. Who the hell was she, and what did she and her creepshow boyfriend do to his head? Like we believed ANYTHING she said–she needed to ‘keep him safe from Silas’? Bwahaaa! Matty didn’t believe her, either, takin a couple of strategic steps backward when THAT name came out! Silas still wanted Matt dead, and Matt was supposed to trust her.
Let the laying on of hands begin! Um, lady, don’t call forth the spirit of the BF you killed or get ready for some Czech spew! Matty started talking Czech–Gregor was inside Matt. Body-jacked! (The only thing worse than being a doppelganger is getting body-jacked. Will the characters with only one persona please stand up?) Steflas was gonna kill Gregor, so the body jump was Nadia’s out. She needed Steflas’ trust, sorry, bud! They needed the person with the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing.
She’d find a way to make it permanent (oh HELL no!)–she LOVED him. Puleez. We have swampland in Louisiana to sell, too. But, Gratt bought it when she sealed it with a kiss. Boys are SO gullible! He still wanted to know where they’d buried his bod. Trade! Gratt called Elena to find out where Katherine was, Nadia would tell him where his meat suit went. Smelled like garbage to us!
BACK IN THE STICKS…As Qetsiyah returned from gathering compost (?), a refreshed and reinvigorated Stefan got caught rifling through her bag for a cell phone. Don’t bother, douche, there was no reception way out wild! Always a gentleman, even when he’s callin a lady a liar, Stef wasn’t buyin Qetsiyah’s whole story. What did she just say about pronunciation?
Call her Tessa–like on a keyring. We say how ‘bout Qetssa–BAM! (And millions of spoiler readers groaned in unison that they’d been duped. ROFLMAO!) She rejoined the HIC ET NUNC *giggle* for a souvenir keychain? Smack your head, Stefan! The Bennett witch lowering The Veil gave her an opportunity to be a real live human. Her Hunters had failed to kill Silas–if you want something done right, you just gotta do it yourself! True, 2000 years was a long time to hold a grudge, but wait for the FLASHBACK!
Qetssa had gone bridezilla creating an enchanted garden for The Wedding of Silas and Qetsiyah back in the day. Complete with the immortality elixir she’d created as part of The Ceremony to keep them alive forever. Until Silas decided to play thieving Runaway Groom.
Qetsiyah knew the jig was up when she stood solo at the altar, her Garden of Eden dying, right down to her bridal bouquet. Silas swiped what he’d wanted, the immortality juice, and ran.
Straight for his REAL One True Love, a girl very close to Qetsiyah. BASTARD! Dumped for The Help! Her handmaiden,
Madonna Amara (oh, nos, the FIRST Elena lookalike).
THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE *AHEM* ORIGINAL. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Stefan‘s waterlogged brain had to repeat it out loud. Silas was the first version of him, and Qetssa’s friend was the first version of Elena? With friends like that who needed enemies? When they drank the immortality elixir, they violated Nature’s law that all living things must die (we just HAD to get some Bonnie-speak in this week somewhere, didn’t we?). Nature created a balance by creating mortal shadow selves (i.e., doppelgangers) like Stefan, Katherine, Elena, et. al. The Ripple Effect from Silas and Amara’s Original Sin.
Qetssa had been relating this tale of woe to Stefan whilst brewing up something in the fireplace including a dash of bracelet from her own arm–what was she doing? Well Stefan didn’t expect to go outside without a daylight ring now, did he? When it was ready, Qetssa needed Stef to help ‘take down’ Silas. Oh, and btw, Stefan, a watched daylight ring never boils.
FREE SHOTS IRRITATE THE CUSTOMERS
SOMEWHERE IN A DUSTY ABANDONED BAR ON ROUTE 29: Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping
dogs Kats lie–like asleep in the back seat. MUCHO quieter that way. Oil the damn squeaky hinges on the Camaro doors, Damon! Vintage wheels require routine maintenance! They’d found the bar of their dreams.
And there behind the bar was Jo (the nametag was MUCH clearer in the promo–lol). Also clearer was the story Jo related after Damon gave her the evil (hawt) eye and asked about her bandaged hickey. Some sicko attacked her, then told her to run. She hadn’t needed telling twice! When she looked back El Sicko was on fire. Some strange Odd Girl shoved him into what Jo knew was Cam Peterson’s truck (ah, RIP, Cam. You never even got any lines!).
She didn’t know the woman, but Cam lived about ten miles down the dirt road out back (do we suspect in a ‘cabin in the woods’?). Friendly Jo poured Damon a much-needed shot–only it was vervain.
NADIA had told Jo to pour Damon a drink or she‘d be dead meat. Bitch gets around! NOT the optimum time for Katherine to come flouncing in. Ruh-roh! Which one of them was Katherine Pierce? Nadia may not have been able to tell the difference in her gunsight, but she knew which one was the lying, conniving biotch when Kat pointed out Elena! Ah, well, draw down on Elena–Nadia needed Kat alive!
Two points for Team Elena, yellin for Kat, to RUN! before the Vamp-Traveler catfight began. Didn’t last long, just a couple of slams and Nadia hi-tailed it in a flash.
Neither Damon nor Elena had any idea who Eurobitch Nadia was, but if she wanted Katherine…Elena would chase SilasSpy, Damon needed to find Stefan. After a quick ‘Kiss me’ detour!
BRIDAL SHOWER ENDS IN BLOODSHED
Back at Top Chef, Qetssa-style, what was her plan, take The Cure and force-feed it to Silas? (Editor’s note: Don’t forget, Stefan didn’t know The Cure got used!) Qetssa reminded Stefan there was no chance since Silas’ en masse mental powers had grown exponentially over the ages with the blood dribbles of thousands (oh, yeah, all those fool miners and such, not even counting the three-month binge in and around Mystic Falls). That’s what had prepared him to escape from his tomb. Stef wondered if that’s where Qetssa had stuck Amara, in a tomb. We felt another FLASHBACK coming on!
Never leave your then-immortal heartthrob alone with a jilted betrothed on the loose. Qetsiyah had brought Silas and his new immortal beloved two gifts, and was washing her hands of the matter when Silas found her outside their love-tent. She’d brought him and Amara the chalice intended for THEIR wedding and whodathunkit? They had vials of Red Bull way back when! Don’t get mad, get EVEN! Qetsiyah created The Cure for immortality. Silas scoffed. Not possible.
Oh, but it was, she’d just used it on somebody immortal. Bloody hell. Qetsiyah had gone all Dexter crime-scene inside the tent. Slit Amara’s throat so she couldn’t speak, and then removed her still-beating heart. Who cares what order it all happened in, it was SO Hannibal! WOE WAS SILAS! HE WOULD KILL QETSIYAH’S ASS FOR THAT! Did we witness the birth of the mindbullet? She had Silas on his knees in pain, trying to force him to take The Cure so they could live long human lives together.
BACK TO THE
FUTURE PRESENT WHATEVER: The complicated biotch didn’t give Silas a second chance, but Silas was and remained simple. She’d created The Other Side as a barrier between Silas and his piece of aff-terlife he wanted. She tombed him with The Cure thinking he’d get bored and kill himself to be with Amara, only to get punked into ending up with Qetsiyah. Too bad he was a stubborn ass.
Still cookin up her masterpiece, Stefan deduced Qetssa wasn’t REALLY making him another daylight ring. Instant replay: A watched SPELL never boils. Hey, whatever was in the stew, Stefan wanted her to understand they were on the same side when it came to Silas. Miss Understood! She got trust issues! Qetssa’s controlling, paranoid, and cra-cra on a whole new level. Have a mindbullet for all your understanding, Stefan!
‘FINDS’ OF THE WEEK
Elena FOUND Katherine running through the woods. Although she doesn‘t run very well in designer boots and a sleeveless tog–leg cramps, goosebumps and all. No, she could NOT borrow Elena’s sweater! With Elena ready for them to take off, Kat wanted to know why Elena hadn’t just offed her right after The Cure. It wasn’t that she was now leverage against Steflas, Elena had valued her humanity and let Katherine live.
Identical my ass! Just because they dreamshare and both care about Stefan did NOT make them alike! Maybe Kat could find a shred of humanity as a human. Gee, thanks, you condescending bitch! THAT’S when Nadia FOUND them. Necksnap! Katherine let Nadia manhandle (well, traitor Traveler-handle) her away–she can’t DO necksnap anymore!
Damon FOUND Stefan amidst a circle of compost at the Peterson cabin. WTH? Tied to a chair with nasty oogy vines, no wonder he couldn’t call a brother! Stefan gave Damon a quick 4-1-1, but he shoulda checked the shadows before he mispronounced Qetsiyah’s name again! Her vine spell wouldn’t release Stefan until she got what she wanted. Stew’s done! Qetssa was gonna link Stefan and Steflas, then cast a spell on Stefan to neutralize the mind control issue. Once weakened, she’d force The Cure on Steflas. Damon hated to burst her bubble, but The Cure was gone, done, fini!
Qetssa knew about human Katherine–she was suPPOSed to be with Damon. Don’t confuse the children! Stefan hadn’t known Katherine took The Cure–long story, read the e-book. Uh-oh, Damon got it. Supposed to be with him? Had Qetssa planted the dreamshares? DING, DING, DING! They ran into a little hag snag.
Oh, well, Qetssa would start without her! *chant, chant, chant* BTW, Qetssa’s not a big fan of the snarky comeback, brave Damon! Without his powerbrain, Silas would be an immortal nobody they could defeat. Kapish? Stefan wanted to try on the Nike’s–JUST DO IT!
Steflas FOUND Nadia and Katherine out on the road with his trusty GPS tracker. SO much better than a locator spell! Enough with the ‘finds’, things were about to get hairy!
GOURMET STEW WILL MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED
BREAKING NEWS! It’s simultaneous scene time at The Mystic Falls Messenger, so strap on your daylight jewelry, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride! As Qetssa dipped her fingers into the heavy metal stew and pressed them against Stefan’s temples…
Steflas was busy thanking (not) Nadia for catching Katherine so quickly. Nadia wasn’t giving up the goods until her un-fascinating unfinished business was done. Katherine was still out in left field as to who Nadia even was! Bwahaaa!
Qetssa kept up the chanting head massage, which from our vantage point looked VERY painful!
Magic mind control powers, activate! Steflas was meantime making Nadia release Katherine, pull out her sidearm, and point it at her own heart. Katherine stood there with her mouth hangin open.
Qetssa continued Stefan’s major migraine! Help him, Obi-Wan!
Just about to complete Nadia’s self-destruct sequence, Steflas instructed, “Pull. The. Trig…“ Oops. Stewed brain!
We were down with Katherine. Seriously, what was going on? Twin Cry Me A River of Blood, that’s what! Stefan strapped in his chair, surrounded by burning garbage, cryin bloody tears when Steflas was on his knees in the road doin the same thing?! Looked like a prime time for Eurobitch Nadia to steal Steflas’ SUV and make her escape with hostage Katherine!
Dammit Damon Obi-Wan finally spoke up–WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BROTHER?! Fryin Silas’ brain–it ain’t pretty. Don’t laugh, this could be your next trip through airport security! The flames subsided as Stefan sagged in the chair. That was IT, Damon was DONE. Qetsssa was fine with that–it worked. *sly smile*
Damon rushed to his baby bro’s unconscious side. Undo this shit, bitch! Qetssa told him to cool his jets, she’d ONLY burned through Stefan’s CONSCIOUS mind and he’d wake up. Sooner or later. As Damon broke the now limp vines holding Stef to the chair, Qetssa quipped maybe Damon and Elena were better off without Stefan at home. Had she been snooping from The Other Side?
Oh, well, they’d just been a boring soap opera with no volume control. The one thing worse than sitting for centuries watching Silas resist taking The Cure was watching multiple versions of Stefan and Elena being drawn together like magnets. Falling in love and conquering all. Over and over and over and…(listen up, peeps. Stefan wasn’t Silas’ first shadow self–there’s room for HUNDREDS of flashback twins! Ugh!). Destined doppelgangers!
Damon didn’t wanna hear that The Universe was against him (as if he hadn’t been through it once already with Katherine). And who was psycho Qetssa to call herself spokesperson for The Universe?! ROFL! QETSSA, OFFICIAL SPOKESPSYCHO FOR THE UNIVERSE! Qetssa and Damon were the obstacles standing between two fates. Silas had his One True Love, and Stefan has Elena. Damon and Qetssa were just the interesting naughty bits. Was she suggesting Damon leave Stefan with her and go back to playing house?
Hey, she had Stefan and Steflas linked, keeping Silas from messing with anybody’s head. As long as Stefan was in the way, true love with Elena would be impossible. No one would have to know? Did Damon seriously consider this proposition? Tick, tock. OR, she could go back to hell and he throat-grabbed her! DON’T MESS WITH THE WITCH THAT INVENTED MINDBULLETS, DUDE! Yowza, that smarted! Up against the wall, red necked mother!
Some time later, Damon began to come out of his funk on the floor just as Elena showed up. No Qetssa to be seen. With Damon groggily watching from the floor, Elena went straight for Stefan, with nary a glance his way. Stefan, can you hear me? No, he couldn’t, but we could hear Damon’s heart breaking.
SAY IT AIN’T SO!
The night clerk at the No-Tell Motel called in a tip that Nadia and Katherine checked in using assumed names. Miss High Maintenance had demanded food, so Nadia went out for chips. That left Kat to snoop through Nadia’s bag, hunting down any scrap of identification since she was still out in left field on that one. RING! RING!
Steflas the Betrayer calling! He wanted to know where they were–haha, he didn’t know since he couldn’t read minds anymore. He could still kill Nadia if she didn’t come through on the deal they’d made. Katherine stays alive. Period. His failed psychic abilities could only mean the evil ex-fiancé was alive and well and on the way to Mystic Falls.
(Or back in the cabin in the woods, surrounded by, dare we say it, White Barn Candles, self-mutilating her palm in yet another blood-hate ritual?) Neither he nor Qetssa would stop till they got what they wanted. They both want The Cure.
Katherine does NOT like to be left out of the convo–she grabbed the phone away from Nadia, demanding to know what Steflas wanted with her. After a rather nasty comment about Katherine’s face making him want to barf, Steflas spilled the puke. The Cure still exists, it’s runnin through her veins, and he wants it. (Oh, dear Lord, please no. Just slit her throat and dump her in the Mystic Falls water tank. NOBODY‘D be immortal ever again. We cry foul.) Her blood is The Cure.
PALATIAL ESTATE SEMI-OWNER ASSAULT
Fifty Shades of Donovan got off to, um, where? We found him face down in the darkened entry hall of the Donovan/Lockwood Mansion, with his cell phone blowing up. Hullo? Elena was calling to let him know they found Stefan but lost Katherine in the process. By-the-by, was Matty okay? He’d sounded strange on the phone earlier and Elena was worried. Wha? They talked earlier on the phone? Yes, he’d called her to see if they’d found Stefan and if Katherine was safe. Elena had told him where they were going. He didn’t remember that? Well slap Matty stupid and call him an alchy, did he track in his own upchuck? Don’t worry Elena–could he call her back? Click. Or were those BLOODY footprints coming in the door? And a rather ‘used’ knife in his pocket? What had he DONE?!
LOCAL BOY LOSES EVERYTHING IN TRAGIC FRYING ACCIDENT
Safely back at Chateau Salvatore, Stefan was stretched out on the couch, sleepin’ it off as Elena fretted over him and put his daylight ring back on it‘s original owner. Elena worried that Damon was being so suspiciously quiet. She wanted to know what Qetssa had told him at the cabin. That they don’t stand a chance. The Cliff Notes History of Fated Doppelgangers, making he and Elena a lost cause.
Elena tried to talk him out of his doldrums, the Search for Stefan had nothing to do with the way she felt about Damon. (And the romantic music swelled…) Nobody tells Damon Salvatore how to live his life or who to love. “You are my life.” Just when they wound up for the big, tear-jerking emo kiss, GROAN!
Stefan woke up. Great timing and welcome back, brother! We missed you! Uh, who are you people?
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
The Eurobitch would’ve thought she’d ingested a freaky tornado if she‘d overheard that ‘you are my life‘ line, but we damn near died at “Kiss me!” However, by popular demand, this week’s Woobie Word of the Week: CHOO-CHOO!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!