Mystic Falls Messenger
Lies. White lies, half truths, damned lies, lies of omission, bald-faced lies, lying through your teeth/fangs, lying out your butt–they all come back to haunt (in one form or another) in the end. We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nuttin but the truth!
Editor’s note: Truth be told, Ruthie comes up with the greatest screencaps, EVER! No LIE! Teehee!
EYEWITNESS RECALLS TRAGIC INCIDENT IN FIRESIDE CHAT
UNbedded guest reporter GhostBon rehashed her dad Rudy’s block party murder to Jeremy in front of the Chateau Salvatore fireplace. Steflas blatantly brandished his en masse mind control over the entire town, leaving only one witness. If ever a heroine needed a hug in front of the romantic crackling logs, it was Bonnie! Too bad, so sad, they can’t, she’s Dead Like Dad. Can’t even catch him on the
Flip Other Side–not a mere dead human! She needed a hug, but they can’t touch since she was dead. Steflas’ point was to get the whole town looking for Katherine, and whatever he wanted her for they couldn’t let him have it.
The *ahem* lady (we use the term loosely) in question was spotted limping , crouping, and shivering by the side of a neighborhood road. Poor Katherine! Just a bathrobe to call her own! She did manage to flag down a passing Soccer Mom Bad Samaritan, who stopped to help. Uh, no, she did NOT look just like Elena Gilbert, what an insult (much prettier is all relative)!
Quick Draw McSamaritan hit Kat with a little Mace-face, grabbed her phone and started to text in an APB. That’s MS. Pierce if you’re nasty, and Kat got DOWN with her bad self! You don‘t last as long as she has without a few good takedown moves.
Too bad they hurt like a sumbitch when you’re only human! Just when she thought it was safe…shick, shick…there was Quick Draw McDonovan, drawin a bead on her! Gotcha!
STRANGE MULTIPLE DEATHS TO THE SAME PERSON STILL UNANSWERED
Hallucinate! Osculate! Regurgitate! As we have yet to find a decent hallucinatory investigative reporter, we again relied on Stefan’s visions to continue his watery story. This edition found him and his One True Love Elena languishing on a blanket, beachside at the local quarry (i.e., scene of the crime). Why there, they could be anywhere, one might ask. Sunshine and good, simple moments were the ones holding Stefan‘s waterlogged cranium together.
One can only last so long on distraction, though. Remember when Elena puked up a gallon of blood after kissing Stefan right after she turned? Well, this time it was water–gallons of it. Nothing like a little heaving to snap one back into the present predicament, was there, Stefan? Glub, glub.
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
Our Whitmore campus stringer posed an important question upon witnessing the growing impromptu outdoor memorial for RIP Megan. If Megan had so many friends, why did she HAVE to be Caroline and Elena’s roomie? Hmmm? Car busied herself packing (and snooping through) Megan’s ’stuff’, looking for answers as to why she knew Elena’s dad. And huffing. Elena left the door open so we could snoop as well (hey, we didn’t need vamp hearing to eavesdrop on what should have been a secret convo!).
Why was Car in a mood? Elena tippy toed over the mine field that is ‘have you talked to Tyler’–BOOM! Deferred enrollment, deferred phone calls, how ‘bout a little permanently deferred sex, Mr. Hybrid-Not-So-Boyfriend! Oops. CUT OFF. Subject change! Elena snooped at the hospital and managed to pilfer Megan’s death certificate. Another cover-up, ruled suicide, with no mention of Megan’s gaping neck wound, signed by a Dr. Wesley Maxfield (Wesley. HA!). Fifty Shades of just like Mystic Falls animal attack death certificates.
SO! Since the dastardly doctor was also a professor of Applied Microbiology, Elena switched their classes around to attend his (oh, the Perks of Being a Vampflower). What? MicroWhatology? What happened to fun freshman-y hoopla? Car was supposed to be a Drama Major! Um, Car. You ALREADY ARE! Bust out your acting chops. If Damon managed to keep his ‘identity’ a secret by infiltrating the Founders’ Council back home, they should do a little ‘filtrating’ of their own! (And keep your voices DOWN, ladies, anyone could overhear!)
THE MANY MEANINGS OF ‘QUARRY’
Quarry–Noun: an open excavation usually used for obtaining building stone.
Quarry–Noun: obsolete, one that is sought or pursued.
Quarry–Noun: Mystic Falls Style, freakin leverage moonstone.
Back in Mystic Falls, we caught up with Damon trying to convince Sheriff (and sole parent left in town) Liz to dredge the quarry in search of Stefan. That’s where they were gonna dump Stone Cold Silas, so it only made sense Silas might have had the same idea. Big, deep, enormous. Poor Liz and her manpower troubles, but it didn’t take Damon long to sweet talk her into it (poor Stefan, what if he’d been drowning over and over all summer, yadayadayada).
RING, RING! Check in from the Gilbert-Donovan Braintrust. Matt found the Katherine quarry mid catfight with some lady who Maced her. It seemed our heroes stumbled on Steflas’ mind control plan to recruit new searchers. Damon decided if Steflas wanted her that bad, they wanted her worse, and instructed the Braintrust to hide her, and for Jer to stay out of sight. He was the last one seen with Katherine, don’t spill the quarry!
The Braintrust had Katherine in Matty’s truck, trussin her up with some kind of kiddie jump rope (lol), bickering and whining all the while about how she shoulda offed Young Blue Eyes when she had the chance. Shaddup, at least they brought her some clothes (convenient Elena is the same size, huh?). Kat knew leverage when she saw it–played that game herself for centuries. They’d just wait for the right moment to hand her over. The thing that everybody wants–o.m.g. she’s become the frigging moonstone quarry! How’s it feel in that soapdish all alone, Katherine?
SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN
DENMARK APPLIED MICROBIOLOGY
COMING SOON! An in-depth exposé of the warped hiring practices for faculty positions at Whitmore College. Proven fact. Sheila Bennett, Occult Arts teacher? Atticus Shane, professor of Ancient Occult Cultural Anthropology? Dr. Wesley Maxfield…we’ll get to that, read on! Only the creep-y need apply! Elena and Caroline semi-successfully crashed Dr. Maxfield’s Applied Microbiology class, running into our fave flyer guy Jesse in the classroom. SWEET! He didn’t care freshmen had infiltrated the class, there was a BONFIRE that night–be there or be square! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Car and Elena nabbed seats at the back of the room just as Dr. Maxfield took center chalkboard, rather pompously introducing himself and dissing the upcoming bonfire. Segue to the lesson plan! Whitmore College was originally founded as a hospital during the Civil War (oh, no, we‘re back in Alaric‘s class!). 600,000 casualties. Disease was so prevalent that once a week they piled up and burned all the dead, rotting bodies. What a touching (barf) bonfire analogy he came up with. Drink a bunch of beer, close your eyes and imagine the rancid aroma of 100 rotting corpses. Creep-y.
That rancid smell comes from a specific bacteria, and could the chatty girls in the back tell him what that bacteria is? Elena ALWAYS gets busted for talking during lectures at Whitmore, doesn’t she? The Prof knew they didn’t know the answer and they were freshmen because he ‘was observant‘ (a likely story). They’d learn to be observant themselves in Bio 101 down the hall. SCRAM!
Elena called Damon mortified they got thrown out of class. She wanted to know what Dr. Pompous knew. Damon asked if she’d attempted any of his tried and true Reformed Serial Killer methods–Compelled? Violence? Threats? Torture? He was havin a little flirty phone fun while overseeing Liz’ deputies, suiting up to go bobbing for Stefan. Oh, wait. Stefan was there, with Elena. Damon was about to spit out it wasn’t Stefan when Steflas mind controlled Elena to hang up. Whoa!
What an Academy Award winning performance! Steflas humbly acknowledged he knew she’d be upset over him not calling for three months, so he came to apologize in person. He almost blew it when she grabbed him in a great big hug, worried something terrible had happened to him. He recovered epically. The Big Terrible was her falling for his brother. Ouch. Wasn’t important where he’d been, surely Damon would fill her in eventually.
Oh, what? He’d seen Damon already? Because Damon hadn’t mentioned it to Elena. Spill.The.Beans. Maybe Damon was too busy with the ‘Jeremy Situation’. What ‘Jeremy Situation’? No big–expelled, big fight with Mr. Mom, ran off. The usual. Hey, why didn’t Elena know any of this already? Where in hell was Jeremy? Well, that was the other reason Steflas came, hoping she might know. Devious dude.
MATT DONOVAN, POSTER CHILD FOR THE NRA
The Braintrust and hostage had made it as far as a remote gas station. The Ford needed a refuel, and Kat needed to pee, had scratchy throat, a pinpoint headache, and a green phlegmy cough. TMI, Katherine, TMI! Jer reluctantly untied her, filled up the truck (since he couldn‘t risk being ‘seen‘), while Matt went inside to get sinus medicine for Kat. She waited for her chance to bolt when they were both busy, but was spotted out the window by Low-IQ Convenience Store Clerk, “Is that Elena Gilbert? That’s Katherine Pierce!”
Brilliant, Sherlock. Sherlock grabbed first for the phone, which Matty ripped outa his hands, then dove for the under-the-counter shotgun. NO-body messes with guns around Matthew Donovan! Gimme that and take a bust in the chops with the gun butt for being a doofus! Jer nabbed Katherine as she was trying to make a getaway on foot. Like the sign said, Have a nice day! Come back soon!
THEY THOUGHT THEY’D WASHED THAT MAN RIGHT OUTA THEIR HAIR
Simply priceless exchange. “Damon! Towel!“ All the staff could think of was, “Yes, please!“ Bwahaaa! Damon waltzed into the girls’ dorm room, catching Caroline in a towel. Drat! Caroline! No one cares! He’d come looking for Elena, who was probs at the bonfire prep to get more intel on Dr. Maxfield.
Damon told Car about Steflas–she thought Stefan dropped Silas’ bod in the quarry? Damon came clean, and even though straight from the shower, so did Car about Elena’s gut feelings that something was wrong with Stefan–feelings Elena‘d had all summer. Get dressed. They needed to find Elena.
The former couple was spotted out on the quad, with Steflas attempting to call Jeremy from ELENA’S phone–then keeping it for himself. Hmmm. Suspicious. Why was he so worried? Damon had made a mess of things and Steflas was gonna clean it up (oh, yeah, play the hero, Steflas). Elena got more ticked off with every nudge Steflas threw out there. Did Damon think she wasn’t gonna find out? Here she thought they were in a place where Damon didn’t feel like he had to lie to her. Harrumph!
Steflas kept making Damon look bad–after all, he knew EXACTLY what she was thinking. Steflas received a mystery text (gas station guy?). “Katherine Pierce. Route 9.“ Hmmm, did Route 9 strike a familiar chord with Elena? SOMEONE (he wouldn’t say who) spotted Jeremy out on Route 9. Only an old campsite they used to go to when they were kids.
THE NEW FRATERNITY HANDSHAKE
We caught Damon reconning the bonfire preparation, running into Steflas for his trouble. NOW we got the ‘Hello, brother’ we asked for last week! Well, maybe distant nephew was closer to accurate. Damon gave him the traditional throat grab greeting, though Steflas reminded him there was no need for violence, he’d find Elena eventually. They both had soft spots (*ahem stiffies?*) for brunettes, but Steflas didn’t get why Elena liked Damon–OMG, absolutely perfect response! See the Woobie Word of the Week for the comeback! Steflas wouldn’t divulge why he came to talk to Elena–it would ruin the fun. Enjoy!
EDITORIAL NOTE: Damon later divulged he had snagged Stefan’s daylight ring off Steflas–it had to have been right here, where the ring was clearly visible. What a master jewel thief Damon is! You didn’t even see him make the move! Or else there was a ‘continuity’ issue. lol The ring is clearly missing in the rest of Steflas’ appearances, so we guess Damon’s hands are quicker than the eye! *shiver*
ASS EXPOSED AT WHITMORE COLLEGE BONFIRE
A large crowd turned out for the first Whitmore College bonfire of the year, probably thanks to the FREE BEER (that‘s why our campus reporter went). Caroline and Damon wandered the crowded gathering searching for Elena. Car wondered why Steflas would want to hurt Elena. Well, duh, because he wants to hurt Damon. Wearing her invisible judgy hat, Car told him he wouldn’t be in the doghouse if he’d just told Elena the truth. Gee, thanks, Blondie, that helps a lot NOW.
When some big, dumb jock-lookin dude knocked shoulders with Damon in the crowd, he made the mistake of calling Mr. I’m In No Mood a douche. Um, you wanna keep that throat, buddy? Since they’d struck up a convo of sorts, Damon asked Mr. Dummy if he had seen Elena Gilbert, fetching a smart-ass reply. That was IT, straight for the throat claw! Car saved Damon’s ass with a little quick compulsion. Chill out, dude! How was Damon supposed to chill if everybody there could be under Steflas‘ mind control? Where was Elena? Oh, oh, oh! We knew! She was at the beer keg with Jesse, knocking back a few, whining about boyfriend drama and getting kicked out of class. Speaking of Dr. Dickfield, Jesse had all the deets. Yay! New nickname!
Jesse and Elena went off to the handy restock firewood shed, with Jesse confiding he’d had Dr. Dickfield for a few classes the prior year–a brilliant jerk. But! Rumor had it (we LUV rumors) he’s a member of some secret campus society that met a few times a week at Whitmore House. About that time Damon and Car caught up with them at the shed, and Jesse got a fast one upside the head from Damon! WTH?! Car kinda liked Jesse!
WHO FORGOT THE S’MORES?
Somewhere out in the dark…Jer, Matt, and Kat gathered ‘round ye old campfire out in the woods. With TWO hunters present, Jeremy warned Katherine about even THINKING about grabbing for the unguarded shotgun. She’d never shot a gun in her many years, she USED to be deadly enough all on her own, no gun required! Now she was on the verge of being downed by a sinus infection. Awww–who felt bad? Not us, but Jer wrapped her a blankie. Such a gentleman!
A Boy Scout is always prepared! Matt took hatchet and lantern (does he just keep this stuff in his truck at all times?) in search of firewood, but what he found instead was Steflas. Up to his old attempted mind control tricks. But Matty CAN talk and scream. MFM EXCLUSIVE! Here first in The Mystic Falls Messenger, an exclusive Twinterview with @hansobma. A man of few words (and fewer scenes), embellished because that’s what gossip rags, do! We learned Nadia’s brainwashing accomplice was named Gregor, soon to be deceased warlock of mysterious origin. We’re issuing a profuse apology for referring to him as ‘Creepy Dude’!
Thanks to him, Matty was able to utter the infamous words, ‘RUN
FORREST JEREMY, RUN!’ since Steflas couldn’t get in his head. Apparently there’s only room for one in there! Well THAT called for Ye Olde Necksnap! Thank God Matty was still wearin the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing! (SECRET MYTHOLOGY QUESTION OF THE DAY: What is a Traveler, why is he/she watching Steflas, and how did Steflas know the Klingon they speak?)
Matt seemed to wake up almost immediately, saw Jer and Kat running past in the murky darkness, but they didn’t see him. WTH? GhostBon appeared and explained he was in the freaky void of the Other Side.
Every time he died with The Ring on, his spirit temporarily went to the Other Side until he reconnected to his body again–and it gets farther away every time. Sharp as a tack, it took Matt about half a second to figure out that if HE was on the Other Side, what did that make Bonster?
BDSM IS DEFINITELY A MIXED DOUBLES SPORT
WARNING! The following news item is rated ‘M” and is intended for Mature Audiences only. Contains scenes of a sexual nature, as well as gratuitous violence. And Damon’s nipples.
Alone at last! Damon was already tap dancing his way into apologyville as he and Elena got back to her dorm room–MAD could wait, she was HORNY! Nothin like a little chair slammin, shirt rippin straddle makeout session when mad lovers have been apart for, oh, 48 hours! THIS was a lap dance we could get INTO! Just when you thought it was safe to wear shirts with buttons and go back to drinking ordinary tap water, Elena whipped out a bottle of RIP Megan’s vervain water stash.
Wouldn’t vodka have set the mood better? Guess not, she force-fed Damon about half a bottle, then tied him to the chair with extraneous bits of dirty laundry layin around on the floor while he was gagging. Where’s the maid? Oh, hell, Steflas had got in her head. Her instructions were to get Damon alone, weaken him, then off him. This was BDSM taken a tad too far, was there no Safe Word? If there was, somebody forgot to tell Damon. As if he could spit it out being force-fed more vervain water.
What he COULD do was spit it back all over Elena before she staked him, temporarily breaking her Steflas trance. Huh? Time to come clean, Damon! Silas was NOT in the quarry like Elena thought, he’s walkin around in a Stefan meat suit. Oh, geez, Elena had shared her feelings with Steflas, and he’d egged her on with a little Bash Damon banter. Well, Damon, then WHAT happened to Stefan? WHERE IS HE?! As she dropped back into murderous, Damon figured out Steflas’ mind control was triggered by anger. Elena couldn’t fight it.
In a move very reminiscent of AlariKlaus making Katherine stab herself in the leg in “The Last Dance”, Elena pulled up a chair and joined the mutual BDSM society, staking herself clear through her own thigh! Somehow, we envisioned a very different scenario with shirtless Damon strapped to a chair!
101 USES FOR BOMB POPS
Left to their own devices at the firewood shed, all Caroline could find to ease the lump Damon had put upside Jesse’s head was a popsicle! LOL! Alone together at last, just what Jesse had been waiting for. The tender moment expanded as Caroline told Jesse her tale of boyfriend woe, which he understood. But he supported her–one couldn’t always just assume a couple will drift apart when one goes off to college. Don‘t stop believing–until the day when it REALLY hits you upside the head and you find out your girlfriend back home is sleepin with somebody else. Mutual heartbreak. So KISS already!
I’M OKAY, YOU’RE (NOT) OKAY
Jeremy and Katherine had run back to Matt’s truck. He told her to get in and drive, he was goin back for his bud. Katherine thought he was an ijit–she was a survivor because she never looked back. That attitude right there? That was why peeps treated her like an object instead of a person. Get over yourself, Katherine!
Matty and GhostBon were still chattin on the Other Side. She explained it hadn’t been too bad, since she got to talk to Jer and Grams occasionally–until Rudy died, but she‘d get through it. Matt was so sorry for her, and wanted her to stop being so brave. She had a right to feel bad! Aww…he felt helpless to provide anything other than a hug. Bring on the waterworks, since they were both on the same side of The Veil, she could feel it!
FLEX YOUR MUSCLES
Jeremy finally discovered Matt‘s faux-dead corpse, carefully noting the Ring right where it belonged. Steflas! He’d been watchin the body, and assumed Jer’s lack of emo meant that tacky ring had somehow protected Matt from being dead-dead. Only his hairdresser knew for sure, since The Perks of Being a Hunter kept Steflas out of Jer’s head! Well if that didn’t just render Jeremy useless to Steflas!
All Jer left out was the raspberry as he told Steflas to bring it, his useless abilities added up to nada. Slower and weaker than a vampire and guess what? ‘I’M A HUNTER, PLUS I WORK OUT! I’M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!’ Too bad his aim was off when he flung Matty’s hatchet. FIGHT CLUB! The pair scuffled and tussled, BASH! BOOM! BOP! HEADBUTT! Jer held his own until he got Steflas in a headlock. Ruh-roh! Did he forget Steflas was immortal?
Steflas executed a perfect tree branch through-and-through double stake right through BOTH of them! Extremely painful to watch! Good thing Steflas missed and got Jer through the shoulder.
But Katherine didn’t miss. She had Matty’s shotgun, double tapping Steflas in the chest. Hey, for a rookie shooter, she was quick learner. (Katherine shoots left-handed! lol)
(Please note in your rewatch of the previous scene that Steflas is CLEARLY absent Stefan’s daylight ring on his right hand! Boom!)
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT FOR THE PLAYROOMIES
Where did we leave the smexy duo? Ah, yes, Damon strapped to a chair and Elena self-mutilating. Apparently after the piercing, Damon told Elena about Rudy’s murder. OMG, surely Bonnie tried to call Elena after Steflas stole her phone! Was Bonster okay? Um, Damon had more important things to do than check on Bonnie, he had to protect JerBear and find out why Steflas wanted Katherine. Temper, temper, Elena! What the HELL was wrong with Damon?! Her best friend’s dad died, Jer got expelled, he was playin White Knight to Katherine, she’d only been gone a day and he let everything go to shit?! Easy, Little Missy!
OMG, this was givin her Excedrin Headache #69! She reached down and ripped out the gas line to the fireplace. Wait. WHA? The luxurious dorm room in the sky has its own gas fireplace? We’re obviously not livin right. Just sayin. All Elena could think about was killing Damon, and she might succeed in blowing them BOTH to Kingdom Come if she didn’t think about something stronger. Where were the damned big-ass Gilbert House fireplace matches when she needed one? All she could come up with was measly little damp ones that wouldn’t spark.
What did spark was Damon’s brain. Stefan. She should think about Stefan. Caroline had told him she’d been worried about Stefan. Lay down on Dr. Damon’s couch and tell him all about it. Spill your innermost feelings (even though it might gut Damon to hear it). She began to try to explain what she couldn’t put into words, she’d get chilled and feel him trying to reach out, but she couldn’t ever understand what he was saying. He was scared, lonely and in pain. That pained Damon to hear, but he promised her they’d find Stefan. And the rage was gone.
Enter Caroline, on a very confusing scene. Half-nekkid boyfriend tied to a chair, distraught roommate, crying with a stake through her leg, everything smells like gas–forget a scrunchie on the doorknob, it was time for some new Roomie Rules!
NEAR-TRAGIC INCIDENT IN THE WOODS ENDS IN AMNESIA
Where the hell had Matty’s meatsuit gotten off to? Somebody moved it, and GhostBon was helping him feel his way back. There it was! Right in the bed of his truck with Jer and Kat standing guard. Now wait a minute. Would he forget everything from The Other Side as soon as he went back to the Land of the Living? No way, GhostBon and Jer have to tell. How was she ever gonna deal with Rudy’s death if she couldn’t even face up to her own? They said their goodbyes and with a touch, Matt woke up. Wha happened?
JerBear, master of the understatement. Not much. Steflas killed him, tried to kill Jer, and Kat shot him. End of story. lol Jeremy made an excuse to go retrieve the hatchet so he could confer with GhostBon. He wanted to make sure she was okay (um, she’s DEAD, Jer, that’s not exactly OKAY). Matt’s words had sunk in, but she wasn’t ready to be dead yet, and was all worked up about what to do about Rudy. What was gonna happen when Sheriff Liz called?
Jeremy would just tell everybody she was with family and it was too hard for her to be there. He might not be able to hold her, but he was still there, no matter what. We could tell GhostBon wanted a smooch and a hug before she turned back into the nothingness, what stopped her? Can this relationship survive?
MILK, ICE, SNACKS, COLD BEVERAGES, RATS, BIG GULPS
Oh, thank heaven for 7-Eleven ½ brain cells. Steflas didn’t stay ‘down’ for long, making his way back to our friendly backwoods gas station. Oh, he found the girl all right, and then she shot him. He was a little bit angry and a little bit hungry (don‘t tell Donnie and Marie, they‘ll write a new song). All Steflas wanted was the Ultimate Big Gulp. Call it the filler up selfie. Low IQ Convenience Store Clerk, sportin a black eye courtesy of one Matt Donovan, was more than happy to oblige. Thought we called for someone to take the folding knives AWAY from Steflas last week! Steflas didn’t even get a sip out of his Slurpee when two strangers came in the back door. Oh, goody.
Nadia and Gregor, the so-called ’travelers’. Knife! Steflas wasn’t the only one packin steel! Gregor was apparently upset that their Matty-spy had been offed (supposing that near-death experience broke the spell). He wanted Steflas back in his eternal slumber chamber. What the Travelers had always wanted. Don’t Travelers carry around red umbrellas for protection? Sorry, brainfart.
Nadia didn’t need an umbrella–just her mind. She neck stabbed Gregor with his own knife–OMG! She’d never really agreed with the Traveler philosophy, would Steflas like to rummage around in her brain to prove it? Oh, yeah, we see an alliance in the works!
NEW CHILDREN’S BOOK TEMPORARILY SHELVED
Well, it was a long stay at college! The next day, Caroline helped Elena load up the Camaro for a trip back to Mystic Falls. Gotta wash that dirty laundry! Keep the dorm room warm for her return, as soon as the gas line was fixed! Caroline reminded Elena to have Bonnie call, she wasn’t answering messages, and she was sure Damon and Elena would find Stefan.
As soon as Car walked away, Dr. Dickfield showed up, presumably to apologize for being
himself a dickhead the day before. By the by, wasn’t she Grayson Gilbert’s daughter? The plot thickened. He knew her dad? Legendary at Whitmore, a brilliant man, as a matter of fact, Dr. Dickfield had ‘studied‘ Grayson‘s research and wanted to follow in his footsteps. Oh, did that mean her dad had forged death certificates, too? Well played, Elena. Dickfield deflected, inviting her to drop by his office for a chat. Later, dude.
Here came Damon, all puffed up that he’d learned something at college. Heroes do it with honesty. Bwahaaa! Elena lent her copy of “Nancy Drew and the Creepster Professor“ to Caroline, she couldn‘t rest knowing Stefan was out there somewhere. Out of his jeans pocket Damon produced Stefan’s daylight ring and gave it to Elena. Remember we said he claimed to have snagged it off Steflas the day before? For the record, Damon told her he felt FINE about her having Stefan dreams, they were okie-dokey! Okay, it may suck, but he’s okay with it! Unicorns and rainbows forever, Elena pronounced together they’d save Stefan and STILL be in love!
MYSTERY OF THE WEEK
Pesky cell phones! Just when we were about to get a dose of proper PDA, Sheriff Liz called Damon’s phone. They found something. Poof! In a flash our makeout couple was back in Mystic Falls standin with Liz over the trusty Pierce & Franklin, laying in the woods. The quarry was a washout, but a deputy had found the safe a few miles away. ON DRY LAND! How did it get there? Liz went all ‘I’m not gonna open it, YOU open it! If Stefan’s in there, the fool’s been starving for three months, I wouldn’t touch that think with a fork! He’s gonna be FREAKIN HUNGRY!’ Back off, bitches, let a man do this! Damon popped the top and LO AND BEHOLD, IT WASN’T STEFAN! Just some anonymous two-piece corpse (we checked, the clothing didn’t match either Low-IQ Convenience Clerk OR Gregor). Rippah-style! Oh, yeah. If it WAS Stefan, he’s still FREAKIN HUNGRY!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
We KNOW regular subscribers to our rag have already guessed we’re going with a phrase this time, instead of a single word. Especially since our Twitter timeline exploded with a response of “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!“ the second it was uttered. This week’s Woobie Phrase of the Week: THAT’S ‘CAUSE YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX WITH ME!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!