Mystic Falls Messenger
Forrest Jeremy, Run! Life is like a box of chocolate covered vampires, you never know what you’re gonna get. Or who’s gonna be hollerin “Catch Me If You Can”!
Editor’s note: Thanks to readers for your understanding about the extra hiatus week here at MFM. We’ve thought about taking on vampire staff, so they couldn’t get the flu-morphed pneumonia, but the pay sucks. Ruthie was such a sport, with up-to-the-minute scorecards and team trades to sort out the players in The Race for The Cure! We apologize to our international readers, but the whole ‘team’ thing this close to the U.S. Superbowl was too hard to resist–that’s what Google is for!
SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY SPOTTED AT LOCAL DIVE
A Hunter, a vampire, and a quarterback walk into a bar….no, no, no, reboot. Rural authorities received complaints of a never-ending jukebox and questionable running feet, groaning, and chomping sounds emanating from the area surrounding a lakeside tavern. This was apparently the locker room for Reluctant Team Klaus, with star player Jeremy refusing to make the required plays. Surrounded by a bar full of tran-vamps (EDITOR’S NOTE: Unclear whose human blood was used to complete their transitions, unless Klaus saved a few back to feed the others–we did see one nameless feeding off another–but it’s an unimportant plot point! Back to the story!), Jeremy wouldn’t even bow to Assistant Coach Damon’s urging that his ‘targets’ weren’t people, and completed Mark equals Cure. Jer wouldn’t take orders from DicKlaus, and that was that! A Hunter can’t be compelled, so na-na-na-na-Honey-Boo-Boo! Team Captain DicKlaus changed strategy! Jer couldn’t be compelled, but the newbies could–two-minute warning! The “good” guys get a head start, then DicKlaus would set the newbies in pursuit. Matty-bait! That got a balk from the Assistant Coach (no, no, no, no, and did I mention, NO!), the game plan said Klaus turns ‘em, Jeremy kills ‘em. Never let an artist be a Team Captain–that artistic license is a bitch! Klaus figured Jeremy and Damon were up to the task, but poor Matt might be the sacrifice play. So, the game was afoot–literally.
SPORTS IN BRIEF
FORMER CHEERLEADER AVERTS QUARTERBACK SACK: Our Woodsy Owl remote did spot one successful drive by Hunter Jeremy, expertly cross bowing a newbie ripping into Matty’s throat against a tree. Matt hasn’t had this much tree action since Caroline saw him as Fancy Feast back when they were a couple! Flag on the play! Assistant Coach Damon snuck up on the pair, giving Jeremy a penalty for HESITATION. It’s gonna be the Death of somebody! Shoot first, ask questions later–Jer’s the one that PO’d Klaus–adapt! Damon did not espouse Alaric’s kinder, gentler, training techniques, but reluctantly agreed Jeremy and Matty should high-tail it back to the nearby Gilbert Lakehouse while he got their 6. And at least one newbie heart (rrriiiipppppp!). Too bad Matt wasn’t wearing his cleats, as one of the newbies got away with blatant clipping, and almost chowed down when TA-DA! Saved by the cheerleader! Somehow we don’t think this was what Elena expected to find on the other end of her “Come to me” booty call. At least her pre-vamp training with Alaric paid off–The No Hesitation Neck Snap!
A Hunter, a CheerVampress, and a quarterback walk into a
bar cabin…no, no, no, reboot. The misfit trio managed to huddle on the Gilbert Lakehouse sidelines until dawn, when Damon arrived to argue the finer points of easy, fast, and safe ways to complete incompetent Jeremy’s Mark and get Elena The Cure. Wait! Now the cheerleader’s arguing strategy with the coach? Elena spouted the usual ‘everybody she loves in danger’ and ‘killing innocent people’ side, with an added not caring about The Cure. But The Mark grew, didn’t it? *sigh* New game plan! When the sun goes down, Matt would be toast without protection. SO! Elena would take The Least Most Valuable Player (Matt) home while Damon and Big Jer *teehee* went on a hunting expedition. Tragic, but had to be done. Damon would keep Jeremy safe–trust me (things never seem to work out well after anybody says that).
WILD-CARD TEAM IN THE HUNT
The Sports Desk was aflutter with rumors of clandestine bedroom Team Sexy-Bex meetings at Stately Salvatore Manor, awarding Most Valuable Torso to Shirtless Stefan! The Team Captain called the impromptu huddle (knocking is SO last year), planting herself on Stefan’s bed to peruse his journal, checking if he was, indeed, Elena-free. A good captain has to know all her player’s shortcomings! Will his, “I’m done with her,“ attitude change if/when The Cure is found? The Sexys are def the underdog team (The Reluctants have Hunter Jeremy, The Shadys have Witchy Bonnie); who ever cheers, “WE’RE NUMBER THREE!”? Enter another game plan–are you marking your scorecards? Since The Cure was buried with Silas, Shane lipped off about having one of the keys to resurrecting him–The Pet Rock Tombstone! They would steal it, forcing The Shadys to join The Sexys (MERGER! Contact league authorities!) and cut The Reluctants out of the game entirely!
REDUCED GPA LEADS TO ARREST
Bonnie got remedial training from Team Shady Shane Captain, along with a D minus on her near-kill Expression spell on April. Adherence to high academic standards to play for The Shadys is a non-issue! The “F” would have been actually killing her (somehow, we don’t grade on the same scale as Shady Shane! lol) Bonnie was already wallowing in self-doubt, she couldn’t even freakin meditate right, and was NOT amused as Shane tried to lighten the mood. Lighten indeed! Pissed off Bonnie got angry, firing up the candle on Shane’s desk and sending him into one of his Witchnotherapy gazing pep-talk sessions to calm her down. Strong, focused, complete control–yeah, let us know how that works out! The gazing was interrupted by an unexpected extradition to Mystic Falls by Sheriff Liz Forbes (one back-up deputy? ONE?). No Miranda Rights, no formal charge, just back to the hoosegow in cuffs! Kinky, Liz!
SUSPICIOUS DIVE ACTIVITY LINKED TO HEALTH CODE VIOLATION
The Reluctants put on their game faces, split up, geared up, and went into action. Following another never-ending jukebox complaint, Damon deduced the newbies would be holed up back at Club Dead (they can‘t get IN anyplace else–no ID and no invite!). A little pre-game pep-talk to Jeremy included one at a time, shoot for the heart, don’t’ HESITATE, and don’t miss! At the scene of the grime, they found no live music, because everybody was dead. That blood spatter trail was a health code violation for sure! Not to mention a waste of perfectly good Mark growers!
The culprit: one Devilishly Impish Kol, swaggering in with a bottle of hooch, a confession of newbie-slaughter, and a handful of demands. Does Kol have a ‘team’? ROGUE PLAYER ON THE FIELD! ROGUE PLAYER ON THE FIELD! Kol’s afraid of The Big Bad Silas, and the foolish zealots risk waking him to get to The Cure. His sources (a few centuries old Silas worshippers) said when Silas rose again he’d trigger the End of All Time. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Pick a story. End of All Time….Raise The Dead….End of All Time….Raise Those that died on Silas’ behalf…..End Of All Time by Population Explosion!) Of course, Kol murdered the source, and wasn’t about to allow any of our Teams to succeed. Kol didn’t want to trigger The Hunter’s Curse, so he would just rip Jer’s arms off (it’s real hard to wield a crossbow or a stake with your teeth)! That triggered Damon to intercede, giving Jer enough time to Run, Jeremy, Run! We’ve seen how Damon never wins these fisticuffs with Kol and this was no exception! Age before beauty *chuckle*!
Our roving sports anchor awaited the other half (two-fifths?) of Team Reluctant at the Gilbert SafeHouse, and sure enough, there they came, arguing about Elena leaving Damon in charge. Always the gentleman, Matty backed off, with Elena sire-bonded and all. Okay, another disagreement, but The Old Elena would never have left Jeremy with Damon. Speaking of Jeremy, RING RING! Elena, we’re in trouble with a capital “T”! Kol attacked them, Jer escaped but he had Damon! Sounded like time to confer with the Team Captain!
SERIAL BREAKING & ENTERING AT WHITMORE COLLEGE CAMPUS
The Sexys were busy rifling the most OBvious place for The Shadys to hide The Pet Rock Tombstone–Shane’s office! They were not as good at it as Elena and Matt (remember the Meredith B&E?), much to Stefan’s irritation! He needed a calm-down, and Bex found the witchy-weed! Oh, pooh! Rippah Stefan was so much more FUN in the 20s! The jazz, the booze–was Bex getting her swerve on? She suspected Stefan’s bullshit meter was registering a FALSE when he said fun wasn’t possible, convincing him to lighten up! And since she’d made sure Shane would be ‘away’ for a while…(to be continued)
DIVIDE AND CONQUER POLICE STRATEGY
DIRECT FROM THE MFPD POLICE BLOTTER: Sheriff Forbes held suspect Shady Shane in the Grey Room of No Pain for questioning. Only a video camera and a pitcher of water? Where’s the floggers, ball gags, and clamps? At least she finally charged him with orchestrating mass murder. The livefeed of the interrogation was observed by Bonnie and her dad, with Bonnie staunchly defending Shane. Crazy Pastor Young went to Shane for help. Older and wiser Rudy disagreed, that Pastor Young was grief-stricken and fast talking, charismatic manipulator Shane preyed on his weak mind. They arrested him based on April and Rebekah’s accusations. Bonnie would prove Shane’s innocence (along with proving Shane wasn’t manipulating HER ‘weak’ mind) by getting him to ‘confess what he did’ to her–oops, he did. Well if that ain’t the witch-pot smoker callin the kettle black magic!
TEAM CAPTAIN CALLS THE SHOTS
Elena went straight to Klaus to call off Kol. He was semi-ironically amused, revealing he has multiple reasons for finding The Cure–yes, he’d like to make more hybrids, but also to destroy it so ’you lot’ (take a number) can’t use it against him. Reluctantly, Klaus called Kol, chastised him for causing trouble, and reminded him he could be Kol-in-a-box if he didn‘t stop trying to sabotage Klaus‘ plans. Which meant, STAY AWAY FROM JEREMY. Oh, wording, wording.
Kol agreed not to touch Jeremy, but there was Damon, being compelled to stake himself an inch at a time (yeow!). No stranger to the game, Kol speculated for a few about Damon’s true feelings concerning Jeremy, came to his own conclusions, and compelled Damon to hunt Jeremy down and kill him.
Still camped out at The Gilbert SafeHouse we caught Jeremy loading up after Elena returned from her beggin trip to Klaus, convinced everything was now okay. Klaus fixed it (ha!), Damon would be back soon, and they’d figure out what to do about finishing The Mark. Elena thought Damon had saved Jer’s life–oh, really? He saved the Map to The Cure, he couldn’t care less about Jeremy. SHE cared about him, and by default. . . Jer was riding the thin edge of Hunter Overdrive and the arguing keyed him up. Whew! Reigned it in just in time, but he didn’t know how he was gonna get The Cure for her.
It was a while later that Damon FINALLY arrived at The Gilbert SafeHouse, selling Elena a compelled bill of goods that he wanted to apologize to Jer for being so tough on him all day. Clueless Elena volunteered Jer had gone to The Grill to check on Matt. Well hell, Damon looked so remorseful and sincere…oh, damn!
SERIAL B&E CONTINUES AT WHITMORE
Sources close to The Sexys tried to keep from getting high off of burning witchy-weed nose hits, as Stef and Bex discussed Shane’s office artifact fetish. AND Bex turned up her inner trollop. They bandied words (and a Polynesian sacrificial knife) about, getting in VERY close quarters about how love and caring ruins you but is liberating. Again Bex brought up the ’feel-good fun’ of the 20s, drinking, feeding, sex. Can we say ’eyesex’? Stef was getting in the mood, sex wasn’t good because they didn’t care, it was good because she was CRAZY! And crazy sex is ALWAYS good! Intense! Just as they were about to ’have fun’, what was that noise? Some Mystery Guy broke in (of course they got hidden at vampspeed), executing a MUCH more thorough search of the office (HE knew the false wall trick), until he found The Pet Rock Tombstone in a wall behind a bookcase. The Sexys had an advantage (and a hostage to question)!
A TALE OF TWO INTERROGATIONS
Off the record (and off the interrogation video camera), Shane tap danced around Bonnie’s accusations of lying. Poorly. Bon’s rage at him convincing Pastor Young to massacre eleven people got even worse when he said it didn’t matter if people died, Silas would bring them back. Yeah. Cra-cra. And THEN he dropped the bomb about what was happening to Grams now, since that fear was what brought Bonnie to Shane in the first place. Wouldn’t she like to SEE Grams again?
Team Sexy made ZERO progress in their interrogation. Bex used the Polynesian slice and dice to try to discover who sent Mystery Guy, tasting her own handiwork. Well wasn’t that special? He was full of vervain (and WHO has vervain since the Mystic Falls supply went up in smoke with The Council?), so he wasn’t compelled. Unless somebody compelled him before he got laced. Stef thought the best idea was to take him home, wait for the vervain to wear off, then compel him to tell them who sent him for The Pet Rock. That ‘might’ have worked, until Mystery Guy bit off his own tongue. Ewww! THEN he lunged for the knife and cut his own throat. Buh-bye! And he didn’t even get any lines! So yeah, compelled. Okay, whose bastard brother sent him, Stef’s or Bex’? Or Door Number Three–ROGUE TEAM!
Back at the Grams dilemma, The Shadys attempted to come to terms. If Bonnie helped Shane raise Silas, he could bring Grams back? Bonnie’s reckless use of magic was the reason those spirits were torturing Grams on The Other Side. The more Shane badgered the madder Bonster got, until she freaked into the Invisible Hand Cramp Arm Bar (which musta been painful, since Shane started panting like he was giving birth). But he didn’t stop taunting. She couldn’t stop, she actually LIKED the power she was feeling, didn’t she? The sounds brought Rudy in the interrogation room, only to get fire-water splash barricaded at the door.
Guess New Mayor Rudy finally believed Shane was a Real Deal, since he turned to Shane to DO SOMETHING! We all know what Shane’s eye-gazing over an open flame with the Witchnotherapy voice does–he’s with her, she’s in complete control…flame extinguished, Shane’s right arm back in the socket, and silent Bonnie stalking out. She’s a prodigy. With Shane’s guidance, she can be one of the most powerful witches in the World, without it? Tick, tick, tick, BOOM! Think Rudy was recruited to Team Shady?
MYSTIC GRILL HOSTS TEAM RELUCTANT DINNER
COMING TO DINNER? Having already missed two days of work for Hunter-Assist Training (and still bucking for health insurance coverage), Matt was back hard at work bussing tables at The Grill. Elena stopped for chitchat with Matt, after Damon innocently inquired about Jer–in the back. The minute Damon and Jeremy made veiny eye-contact, Elena knew (felt?) something was up, giving Jer enough time to flee into the storeroom, lock n’ load. Wasn’t it convenient Jeremy remembered the old wine cellar Matt and Stefan had busted through to the tunnels back in the Connor days? Elena followed Damon into the storeroom (poof, no Jer!), as Damon realized Kol had compelled him. There ain’t no stoppin a vamp on a mission–poof, right down the tunnel after Jeremy, leaving a startled and frightened Elena behind!
Jeremy frantically searched for an escape route in the labyrinth of tunnels, with Damon almost taunting him from the distance, explaining that Kol had compelled him, there was nothing he could do, and Run, Jeremy, Run!
READER CARDIAC ARREST REPORTED IN TUNNELS!
An Original, a vampire, and a corpse
walk into a bar answer a cell phone…no, no, no, reboot, I say! Bex snatched Stef’s phone as soon as it rang, standing over Mystery Guy’s corpse. Stef‘s not in the mood to talk right now, what do you want? Elena knew he could super-hear what she was saying, he might not care about her, but Kol compelled Damon to kill Jeremy, they’re down in the tunnels, and it was impossible to find them. If he still cared about The Cure, or Jeremy, maybe he could come help. Or not.
EVERYBODY’S GONE ROGUE! Jer devised a new plan (oh, Lord, we can‘t even keep up!), sliced a palm and dropped his jacket to lure Damon. Damon could hear (and smell), that Jeremy was doing something stooopid, got a little too cocky and got Hunter jumped from behind. Epic failure! Jeremy lost a hunk of untatted arm in the process, and earned another tongue lashing from Damon–he couldn‘t POSSIBLY fight Damon in close quarters! Couple of gunshots to Damon’s chest gave him the upper hand, with Damon reminding him he would have to shoot him in the heart. Damon got to his feet, screamed at Jer to “DO IT!”, and turned all veiny! BANG! COMMERCIAL! The ORIGINAL pain in the ass!
*long pause for throwing things at the screen and cursing, even though we know sponsors are what pay to keep our story alive*
NEW MEANING OF THE WORDS “HEAD SHOT”! Stupid, idiot, borderline brain-dead moron! (At least we weren’t the only ones yelling.) Annnnd Jer left a blood trail.
THE FAMILY THAT SLAYS TOGETHER?
Kol and Bex finally came face to face with Bex advising he get lost if Damon killed The Hunter. Kol had TOLD Nik he wouldn’t touch Jer, but his cleverness would NOT be appreciated. Never, EVER, turn your back on a petulant sister with a grudge! Bex had one of the daggers to Kol’s back–if she daggered him the compulsion would break and Damon wouldn’t go after Jeremy. He accused her of being as bad as Klaus. Elijah won’t even show his face he’s so disgusted by the bickering. The Cure has ruined them, and nobody’s even found it yet. Just wait. Getting her talking was Kol’s way of outsmarting her–he spun around with Stake 2.0. He WON’T let Bex raise Silas. Ah, Klaus to the rescue (bet you never thought you’d hear us say that!). Kol went away mad (with The Stake), Bex went away mad. Klaus just observed.
RIVAL TEAMS COLLIDE
Jeremy escaped the tunnels, ending up in the woods sagging behind a rather small tree with his wounded arm and Damon in hot pursuit. Elena had caught up to Damon and tried to get him to stop but he couldn’t. She told him he was strong enough to resist the compulsion, not because Stefan did, but because she loved him, and he loved her, and would do anything for her. She begged. Uh-oh. Not love, nor bond, nor anything could stop the lure of the dripping of Jeremy’s blood. Damon was sorry, but off he went.
As Jer feebly cocked the pistol with one hand, Damon told him to shoot now, knowing his aim would be true this time. BANG! Out of the darkness came Stef with a flying tackle on Damon, avoiding the bullet. Long time, no see. Neck snap. You’re welcome, Elena.
PERSONAL FOULS RULED ON INSTANT REPLAY
It’s been a while since we visited the cell in Stately Salvatore Manor’s basement, but that’s exactly where Damon awoke, with Stefan standing over him dripping blood from a knife. Brilliant plan by The Sexys to weaken The Reluctants’ strategy! Stef had to bleed Damon to make him weaker since there’s no vervain left (hey, somebody‘s got some, just sayin). Damon needed to stay locked up until Kol’s compulsion was ‘no more’. Damon asked to see Elena. Nope, nuttin doin. With the questionable sire bond, all Damon would have to do is tell her to let him out. Besides, it was better for Elena if Damon stayed there until they found The Cure. Then she’d no longer be sired, Damon wouldn’t be compelled, and they could both do whatever the hell they want. Ooh! Burn! Stef locked him in and went upstairs, only to find Elena, wanting to see Damon.
Roll tape! Instant replay of the ’you’ll just let him out because you’re sired’. Okay, do multiple personal fouls cancel each other out? Somebody? Anybody? Bueller? Elena had the nerve to ask Stef what he was doing with Rebekah. Bex tried to kill Elena. Oh, and this was the second time Damon had tried to kill Jeremy. Nobody’s perfect. Was Stef trying to punish Elena, because she’d apologized a bunch–which he never asked for. He really doesn’t care. Elena thought he was hurt, acting out, and it wasn’t him. Um, that’s because Elena didn’t know what he looked like when he wasn’t in love with her. OUCH! It’s not often Elena leaves speechless, but that was a jaw dropper!
Bonnie and her dad wound up at The Grill, with her apologizing and him vowing to get her ‘some help’. Huh? She got angry, yeah, but Rudy emphasized she lost control. Bonnie doesn’t think they can trust Shane (FINALLY!), but uh-oh, Daddy knows what he saw! And if she can’t admit she needs help, then she needs it WORSE!
Following a no-good, really bad day, Klaus stopped by The Gilbert House to fetch ’his’ Hunter since Kol was after him. Nuttin doin! Jer had killed enough people for Klaus for one day. Hmmm. Kol would stop at nothing–all it would take would be to burn them out! Klaus left with a parting shot about the plethora of people to turn and loved ones to threaten, SO, they’d finish their work tomorrow. Nighty night!
TEAM SEXY BEX HUDDLES
Stef observed the ‘knocking is SO last year’ rule and barged into Bex’ bedroom at her home. She didn’t dagger Kol, but DID hide The Pet Rock Tombstone. Jeremy was still alive, and Stef ‘took care’ of Damon. All was right with the world. Other than the fact that Stef wanted to know where her hiding place was. But they still didn’t know why Mystery Corpse was looking for it. They were BOTH working the eyesex games as they chatted about working things out with Elena, and trying to figure out why Stef was there. Hafta ask? No feelings, no attachments. Just Crazy Vamp Sex! Booyah!
LAST GAME PLAN OF THE WEEK
Jer and Elena were holed up in The Gilbert SafeHouse, with Jer experiencing GREAT frustration–either Kol was gonna take him out or Klaus was gonna force him to kill more innocent people. How many would it take? Ten? A hundred? (We’d guess, by the numbers game that’s been played of late, twelve would be a nice, round number. lol) LIGHTBULB MOMENT! Oh, it’s never good when that lightbulb goes off over Elena’s head. If Jer killed one Original vampire, their entire sire line dies with them. That would be thousands, maybe tens of thousands of vampires. Kol compelled Damon to kill Jeremy. Jer would kill Kol instead. Um, did Elena forget that KOL has the only weapon left that can kill an Original in his own possession? Or that nobody really knows who sired any of the current vampire line? This sounds like a backfire waiting to happen!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
We were sad to have missed one last week, so came up with a double for this one! Though mad a good deal of this week‘s episode, this time’s Woobie Word(s) of the Week………BEDTIME STORIES!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!