Mystic Falls Messenger
Am I my brother’s keeper? Keep your brother close, and your brother’s girlfriend closer. It’s all about the Society News this week! Black-tie optional, skullduggery mandatory!
Editor’s note: Thank you, Ruthie, for saving our sickly hides this week. We may have been under the weather, but you are always a ray of screencap sunshine!
PAGEANT PREPARATIONS REEK OF HAIRSPRAY AND WORLD DOMINATION
LOCKWOOD ESTATE: Reigning Miss Mystic Falls Caroline Forbes supervised pre-pageant preparations at the palatial home of
her semi-former boyfriend Unelected Mayor Carol Lockwood. Our reporters spotted several hiccups in the hijinx: feared Founding Family attendance slump, absentee magic-obsessed volunteers, creepy scholarship-wielding judges, superhumanly strong beer-keg toters, a desperately needed dictionary app, demand dates with the demented, and was that Olympic Gold gymnast @Gabrielledoug messing up the flower arrangements? (Good thing she didn’t get any lines, we’d hate to have an international murder incident to report!)
Caroline switched tiaras with ease, going from Hostess With The Mostest, to Sober Sponsor, to Chief Stelena Cheerleader with ease. Her phone call to power pushup Stefan had her revolted by the idea he and Elena broke up over Damon, advising against artery draining, and counseling sublimating over insanity (um, modify an instinctual impulse into a socially more acceptable activity).
On the heels of that phone call came confused heartbreaker newbie vamp Elena, who got Stelena advice from Caroline whether she wanted it or not! Gossip Girl Stefan already filled Car in on the gory breakup, and it was no secret which side she wasn’t taking! Was that the Judgy Tiara that just came out (since Bon‘s absent)? After Elena turned, her feelings for Damon became more ‘intense’–did that smack of things to come?
Not only did we overhear that call between Caroline and Stefan, but snooping Klaus did too. He was riled that Stef spilled The Secret not only to his brother, but also to every teenage sycophant (Klaus, is that REALLY how you feel about Caroline? A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people–can we have that dictionary app, please!) Stefan managed to choke (?) out the spreading secret cure was safe, but Klaus told him to find more vamps for Jeremy to kill or he’d offer up Stef for starters. And Keep Your Trap Shut!
SILENCE OF THE DAMNS
As shady Stefan prepped to go ‘out’ after his morning workout, he ran into Damon at Stately Salvatore Manor and lowered the BOOM that he and Elena broke up. Surprised eyebrows? It’s rare that Damon’s at a loss for words, but “Oh” lead him to shift gears quickly. For The Cure, they gotta find a Vampire Hunter that can kill enough vamps to grow the Hunter’s Mark tat. To prevent Jeremy from going Connor 2.0, they need another Hunter–Prof Shane is shadier than Stefan, what with Matt’s revelation about the chatty phone calls between Prof and Pastor when the Council blew up. Stef was wrestling solo, he wasn’t tag-teaming with Damon on what should be the best day of his life! No drunken Tri-Delt bro-bonding binge for him! That was just cold. Am I My Brother’s Freezer?
CONVICTED KILLER DISAPPEARS FROM LOCAL HOSPITAL
MFM Crime Beat reporter was fired after missing the story of a non-supernatural killer found under guard at a local hospital by Stefan. We caught up with him casually scanning charts for suitable vampiric victims–you know, the ones with no redeeming qualities? Appendectomy patient? No. Long-term Medicare quadruple bypass sufferer? No. Remorseless wounded convicted killer? Hell to the yes. Compel, force feed, neck break. We suspect that compelled cop will be in the unemployment line as well!
SQUATTERS TAKE OVER ABANDONED FARM
EXPOSÈ OF THE WEEK: Hayley the wolf girl, from Appalachians unknown. Self-proclaimed bitch (haha, we don’t think she meant female canine), and suspected dominatrix, who arrived in MF less than a full moon ago to take over last edition’s KissofDeathChrisbrid’s remaining entourage, make a play for Tyler, and what else? Film at eleven! Rewind to the no-name hybrid entourage couple, well, Kimberly’s the name, and sire-bond breaking’s the game!
Impressive it took only 20 ’turns’ for a female hybrid to break out than it did Tyler (100+ gotta be a male thing). Keep turning till it doesn’t hurt, then you won’t have anything to be grateful to Klaus for! Bring on the full moon, we wanna capture Hayley wolfing out! Tyler barn-stormed in to report about the Klaroline Miss Mystic date (BINGO! Hayley had an opening!), while Hayley sleaze-flirted over Kimberly’s writhing agony. Talk about your BDSM! Wear a dress!
RESULTS OF HOME SLEEP STUDY QUESTIONED
In a surprise test measuring how well young Hunter Jeremy slept and how his body responded to sleep problems, we gasped at the result! Does an ordinary person dream of indestructible dry-cleaning, cruel familial denial, and dastardly attempted necklace decapitation? That was REAL REM sleep–not the Rapid Eye Movement kind, but Random Etching Making kind, to awake with a knife in one hand and a stake with a Hunter’s Mark in the other! Am I My Sister’s Reaper?
Matt had told Jeremy he should talk to somebody about his super ’energy’ and now this knife and stake thing? Not good! Matt was already dressed to escort Elena, as Jer suited up to be April’s stand-in since Matt was already taken. Matty reminded Jer a by-product of his newfound Hunter Energy was he was gonna wanna kill vampires (like the one he lived with). Cue the obligatory episodic alter-ego Alaric mention, Jeremy‘s excuse was maybe it’s the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing?
Matty schooled him, reading right out of Professor Shane’s notes: “Newly awakened Hunters may not be fully conscious of their actions. Their subconscious pushes through, until the urge becomes basic instinct.” And he’s NOT talking Sharon Stone! Tell Elena what was going on or Matty was gonna! He is Jer’s Sister’s Keeper!
FASHION TIPS OF THE WEEK
…wait until the day of the beauty pageant to pick a dress, Airhead April
…wear a dress with a 3-foot sleaze slit
…wear a WAY too overexposed blood-red strapless in a town full of vampires
…consult with last year’s Royal Court for fashion advice
…ask a lurker for advice. Scratch that. If he’s that good looking in a suit you won’t remember what he said anyway!
Just why DID Elena change her mind about the red dress the minute Damon was on-board with it? His work was done. Hmmm. What just happened? We’ll tell you. Damon went downstairs in search of Professor Shane, closely followed by Elena with the four words guys NEVER wanna hear. *heavy sigh* “We Need To Talk.”
Damon relieved hesitant Elena by confessing Stef told him about the breakup–which he was NOT sorry to hear. But since Stefan didn’t divulge the whys, Damon was sure it had something to do with Elena acting weird. Much eye-gazing was followed by her single word reply, “YOU.”
The 3-letter word heard ‘round the world. Didn’t THAT just replace Damon’s smirk with awe? Before either could recover, BAM! Has cockblocking gone viral in Mystic Falls, SHANE? DAMMIT! Duty called (and so did longing exchanged looks). Am I My Brother’s Sloppy Seconds?
The lavish Miss Mystic pageantry began on the sprawling lawn, replete with lots of mingling and brown-nosing. Damon wasted no time asking Shane how to find another Capital ‘H’ Hunter–and Shane wasted even less time denying he could help, since Damon‘s “Potential“ was a “Problem“. Cut the small talk, Damon demanded to know why Shane was there at all, besides being a pity-vote judge in favor of Poor April, whose dad blew up himself and a dozen people. How DID Shane convince Pastor Young via phone bill to kill all those people? Am I Mystic Falls’ Mass Murderer?
WHEN A SALVATORE CALLS
…or texts, you shirk your pageantry duties to “Meet in Lockwood Cellar. Don’t tell anyone,” like Jeremy did. Stefan was waiting for him, with another chance to make Elena human again. So THAT’S where that convicted killer got off to! There he was, chained up, waiting for a little human plasma to fully vamp-transition. What’s the reverse of Hunter Intervention? Hunter Enabling? Before Jer could whip on a hazmat suit, Stef had sliced open Jer’s palm and shoved it in the convict’s choppers. WTH was WRONG with Stefan? Stef shoved a stake in Jeremy’s hand and threatened to unchain the murderer unless Jeremy did his Hunter duty! Basic instinct kicked in, and with a little overzealous staking, the deed was done. With nary a drop of blood on Jer’s tux shirt (that dream indestructible dry cleaning oughta get patented)!
SHADES OF DÉJÀ VU STAND-IN
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE PAGEANT: Caroline’s “date” finally arrived, complete with a 50 Shades grey tie! Now if that didn’t just send a subliminal message! Bwahaaa! Klaus didn’t waste any time pointing out another date arrival, Tyler and Hayley in the hoochie-red-dress. Car never seems sure whether Hayley’s a real threat or not…perhaps her reservations are not unfounded! She had to put on her game face to introduce this year’s Miss Mystic Court (why does there ALWAYS have to be an Amber? lol)
With all but two sets of eyes on the contenders (Elena and Damon only had eyes for each other), Matt ambled up to ask about Jeremy’s whereabouts? He wasn’t with the other escorts, oh, and Elena, he’s having nightmares about offing you. THAT got her attention for a few.
Matty stepped up to sub for Jer just like Damon had done with Elena the year before (but April had to lead–Matty didn’t study the near-touch dance vid!). Back to the eyesex! Elena tore herself away to try to call Jeremy, closely followed by Caroline and Damon. Car was concerned, but Damon figured Jer was just off drinking free booze. No, what about his murderous dreams Matt just told her about? Relax, he’s fine.
If Damon’s not worried, Elena shouldn’t be worried. Did Damon not realize what Elena’s agreeableness was hinting at? He volunteered to go look for Jer. Damon’s never right, Damon is sneaky and manipulative and rude but he’s NEVER right, and why didn’t Elena see that?
Frientervention–Caroline called Elena out that her so-called feelings for Damon were clouding her judgment and it made Car wanna barf! Oh, snap! How did Caroline become the Bad Guy? Klaus volunteered to get them a drink and discuss the fine points of Bad Guy’smanship!
Damon had a sneaking suspicion that Stefan had roped Jeremy into a world of crazy, which he confirmed with a phone call. While the two bros snarked at each other about Elena’s change in loving persona, Jer was admiring his new ink (NOW there’s blood on the tux shirt? The fighting’s over!). He wasn’t about to tell vampire Stefan what he was seeing, even after Stefan pulled out the drawing, asking him to point out how far the Mark grew.
Guess Stefan hadn’t paid attention in the ‘Hunters Can’t Be Compelled Class’, because he tried and failed! Nope, vampires can’t be trusted, and unhand my vest before I…..oops, too late. Jer gave Stef a new belly button piercing, grabbed his Hunter bag and stormed out of the cellar!
IT’S AN EAVESDROPPING EXTRAVAGANZA!
Klaus entertained Caroline with a private bottle of champagne and teen-age boyfriend antics (OMG, they worked, she was giggling!), and played good egg, smugly sympathizing about Elena’s complete personality change–very peculiar (he knows something we don’t know!). It will all make sense ‘eventually’ (or by this edition’s close!). Hurry up and find The Cure–but why would he want to cure himself from being the most powerful creature on the planet?
Tyler used his hybrid-hearing from afar and was positively STEAMING! Damon was also people-watching, Hayley and Shane drinking together, specifically. He buttonholed Tyler about it, but Tyler accused him of being paranoid. Hey, the Council got burned to a crisp, mysterious Hunter blew through town, and Shane knows everything about everything. Damn straight Damon’s paranoid!
Jeremy finally arrived at the pageant dressing/bedroom, armed himself to the TEETH (don’t say teeth in Mystic Falls), and donned his suit jacket to hit the party. He ran smack into April with a lame-o excuse about being stuck at work (once an airhead, always an airhead), she was overly impressed he’d watched the dance vid a hundred times. Jer casually asked why waving Professor Shane was there, and April offered up she talked to him about her dad, and was convinced he hadn’t been depressed or suicidal.
April finally noticed he was ignoring her, since Jeremy was staring a hole through his sister across the party. Before Jeremy abruptly left, he pronounced her dad and the Council as dead heroes that had done the right thing for Mystic Falls. Did you see that thought go right in one of April’s ears and out the other?
Tap dancing done, Damon followed Shane in the house to press him for the name of another Hunter. Atticus got agitated–there IS no other name. At any given time there are Five Hunters, most not knowing who they are or what their purpose is, finding one in a lifetime is next to impossible (and we’ve seen two in a week)! Damon vampsped in front of Shane to block his exit–not like Shane didn’t already KNOW he was a vampire. Damon gave him five seconds to cough up another name. Shane was a cool customer, and deduced Damon wanted a Hunter because of where The Mark leads. Monkey wrench! Even if they complete The Mark and get the map, what they’re looking for is sealed with a spell only a certain kind of witch can perform. Come on, big boy, break my arm but figure it out! A Bennett witch. Aha! None of this matters until Bonnie’s back in touch with her powers, and who does she trust to help her get there? Hey, five seconds are up unless Damon just realized they need Shane alive. Am I Your Witch’s Teacher?
THE GIRL WITH THE POPCORN TIARA
May Caroline have the envelope please? This year’s Miss Mystic Falls, April Young! So much for up and coming civic leaders, it’s all about the sympathy vote for a stranger! That was okay, though, because the crown doubled as an edible candle-ring! From her spot on the stage, Elena spied Jeremy moving through the crowd and followed him back in the house (which did NOT go unnoticed by Matt).
There was Jer, scratching a deep itch in his palm with a stake in the changing room. What choo doin, Jer, put down that stake! Jer had that glazed over dastardly look–all he could think about was killing vampires. He didn‘t wanna hurt her, but his head was screaming at him for an Elena heart-kabob! Vampire sister and all, he HAD to understand she would never do anything to hurt him (not counting that time when she stabbed him in the neck thinking he was Connor).
Well, one good neck stab deserves another, and once his bloody palm made her eyes go all veiny, it was ON! He was just about to accessorize her dress with a wooden bodice pin when Matty-to-the-rescue barged in. Jeremy, I‘m HUMAN and I‘m tellin you it‘s that stupid mark on your arm, that‘s your sister!
Not to be upstaged by first boyfriend, second boyfriend Stefan flew in to break up the scene, instructing Matt to get Jer outa there! You could see the still flickering flame in Stefan’s eyes as he gently removed the offending whittler from Elena’s neck and cupped her cheek. Am I My True Love’s Savior?
THE BS ABOUT BEING HUMAN
Hayley and Tyler engaged in a little post-pageant drinking on the back steps exchanging were-gene stories. His came from his dad, but she never met her parents. Her adoptive parental units found out the same time she did–after tearing apart their living room. Her turn-kill had been a drunken boating accident. As they observed Klaroline across the lawn, Tyler dubiously asked Hayley about chatting up Shane–oh, he’s just hot and smart, I don’t KNOW him or anything. *harrumph*
Jealousy took over curiosity, as Tyler listened in to Klaus telling Caroline his tale of the only time he thought about being human. Trek through the Andes, stared down by a tiny hummingbird, frantically struggling every day to stay alive. Klaus wondered how satisfying it would feel every day just to survive. (It’s just another pony drawing, Caroline!) Hayley knew Tyler was super-sneaking, and asked what Klaus was saying. Bunch of BS about being human. The sooner we get rid of him the better.
MR. FIX-IT LETS GO
From the back lawn to the front lawn we had this party covered! Elena had taken off from her near-dead-death scene to find Jeremy. This shouldn’t be happening to him! Stefan stopped her, claiming it was all his fault. It seems that every time a Hunter kills a vampire the urge to kill gets stronger. Do NOT tell her Jeremy was with him the entire day, being forced to kill vampires! At least he didn’t lie to her this time. They need the map to get The Cure. Elena didn’t WANT The Cure if getting her humanity back meant stripping Jeremy of his. Jeremy’s the only way to fix ‘all this’–her. Stefan doesn’t have to love her like she is, but it’s who she is now. The old Elena died when she went off the bridge. Let her go. Well what an opportune moment for Damon to step into Stefan’s forlorn line of sight! The three exchanged a lot of looks, and Stefan turned and left.
Matt found Jeremy shoving stuff in a duffle bag at home–he can’t keep living at the Gilbert House if he’s gonna kill his sister. Elena knew, so she had moved out and asked Matty to move in. AT LAST! A paid for roof over his head, a paid for truck, now if we can just get him health insurance Matt’s golden! He’s not one of ‘them’, can keep an eye on Jeremy, and together they can keep The Hunter in check. Where’s Elena gonna go? Do ya hafta ask, Jer?
Yup, right in the front door of Stately Salvatore Manor. How awkward was THAT?! Stefan invited her to pick a room, but he was crashing somewhere else. Run, Stefan, run! Straight to Caroline for advice!
PROMISED FILM AT ELEVEN (USE YOUR HEAD CINEMA)
We promised you Film at Eleven on Hayley so here goes! After the pageant, Tyler went back to the abandoned farm to check on Kimberly‘s bond-breakage progress. We don‘t know how he could tell by looking, but he pronounced the ordeal over, and texted Hayley to tell her Kim was done. BTW, where WAS Hayley? OSM!!!
She’s in the dreaded cahoots with Professor Shane! Smug alert! Hayley reported they ‘got’ another one, so she and Shane were almost ready! She wanted to leave Tyler out of ‘this’ when it all goes down, but he wouldn’t commit until she’d ‘broken’ the last one. Wait. What? There’s only ONE Klaus sire-bound hybrid left? We knew this was an endangered species, but this is ridic! Shane and Hayley may be in cahoots, but something tells us there’s not a whole lotta trust going on right there!
THE BIG PICTURE
We KNOW the editors snickered their knickers off at the last scene’s edits…just look how they made everybody squirm! Half our readers wanted to scream for joy, half wanted to rip someone’s heart out, half were only half-satisfied…wait a minute. That’s too many halves. Let us give you the WHOLE picture. Damon and Elena got cozy with a couple of decanters of bourbon in front of the fireplace, exchanging My Brother Wants to Kill Me stories and memories of their Last Year’s Miss Mystic Dance. Nobody likes her, everybody hates her, but Damon thought she’d never been more alive.
This while Stefan and Caroline shared similar cocktails, but with Caroline vainly trying to convince Stefan not to let go of Elena. There’s something wrong with her. Stelena is EPIC! Delena is blech! Klaus won’t let Stef stop looking for The Cure not because Klaus wants to use it for himself, he wants Elena human for hybrid-making. Well, Caroline said he was gonna need them, since Tyler almost had them all unsired. omg. O.M.G.! The light bulb over Caroline’s golden locks grew brighter with every thought. She couldn’t figure out why Klaus had been so intrigued by Damon and Elena, and he’d said they would figure it out. THIS IS IT! Every time Elena’s had a vampire problem, Damon was the magic solution. Elena was worried about Jeremy at the pageant–Damon swooped in and told her to relax. When Elena started feeding who said she could only drink blood straight from the vein? Damon. She couldn’t keep down animal or bloodbag blood. Damon said she couldn’t, so she couldn’t. Damon liked the red dress, so Elena changed to like it.
The light bulb began to glow over Stefan’s head, too. Damon said kill Connor so Elena did. It’s rare, but it’s possible–Damon’s blood made her a vampire. What if this is one of those times? What if this is REALLY happening? Elena’s sired to Damon! We’ve been wondering how it would sit with everybody since last season’s finale that Damon’s blood had been used to turn Elena, we’re about to find out!
Yeah, it was HAPPENING all right! All during that convo and after over at Stately Salvatore Mansion, in front of the fireplace, up against the wall, shirt-ripping, button-popping, tonsil hockey, grope, grab, and gasp, finally after over three years. We prayed to the YouTube Gods for something other than the coitus interruptus the editors antagonized us with! Our prayers were answered by Matilde Obsessed!
How will Damon react when he figures out it might be ‘sire’ instead of ‘desire’? Denial? Anger? Frustration? Guilt? WhoGivesAShitIllTakeWhatICanGet?
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
‘Shady‘ made a return appearance this week, but we ‘tag-teamed‘ the ‘paranoid‘ ‘emo-teens‘! Just because we love the way his mouth looked, the Woobie Word of the Week is….OUCH!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!