Mystic Falls Messenger
Join us at the Sodom and Gomorrah of costume Frat Parties. Indulge in the debauchery. Stay for the humanity. Music won’t be (but shoulda been) provided by The Cure!
Editor’s note: Great parties make for epic snapshots, and Ruthie once again proved herself the best screencapper an editor could want! Candid camera, anyone?
OUTDOOR BURN BAN VIOLATED
DATELINE 1110 A.D.–Was that Ayana (3.08, Ordinary People) chanting at five hot shirtless guys whilst holding a fiery cauldron with dangling chicken feet? Think Quest, Aero, Immortalis, and Incendio. Add in the clash of thunder, a little incendiary ground pouring forming creepy five-point trails of fire (making the points of a pentagram, The Five, um, convenient five surviving originals?).
Each shirtless dude with a sword got a crawling tattoo from the fireline, through their sword, up their arm and across their chest, ending in a pentagram-like star over a shapely upper pec. The same mark as on the hilt of each sword. CALL THE
FIVE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
A LITTLE THIEVERY AMONG FRENEMIES
Stefan was studiously examining a similar mark etched in one of Asshat’s stakes at Stately Salvatore Manor, even as Damon lugged in boxes of personal items he’d purloined from Asshat’s RV, may he RIP (not). Damon was hoping to find a supernatural handbook. Stef wanted to know why supernatural? Hey, the dude appeared outta nowhere after the Founder’s Council blow-up, covered in tattoos only Jeremy Gilbert can see. Then Klaus mentioned he was one of The Five, who kamakazied himself with explosives. Not natural.
Stef asked what The Five is? Hopefully, the first chapter of the handbook. While unpacking Mr. Wizard’s chemistry set, Sheriff Liz called Damon with concerning news. He wasn’t tellin Stef what she wanted, since they were ‘fighting’. Private biz. Stef was over it–he’d always be mad at Damon, but they’re not air quote “fighting“. Very well, no remains at the Hospital explosion site. Asshat’s still out there. Damon needed Stef to ‘get on this’ today, he had to take Elena to college. ???? She needed to learn Snatch, Eat, Erase now more than ever. But they weren’t fighting, remember?
SELF-DEFENSE 101 REBOOT
Similar to Alaric’s Self-Defense Against the Dark Boyfriends Class in 3.06, Smells Like Teen Spirit, AP Hunter Defense Class was conducted by Stefan at the Woods Hole Training Ground. Elena’s homework excuse required a substitute instructor since she almost killed Matt last night and Damon had to stop her. Call it Doppelganger Curse or whatever, she couldn’t drink animal blood, or bloodbag blood, only from the vein blood.
Stef did a surprise William Tell number on Elena with the crossbow–PING! That’s why they weren’t using the wooden arrows! Haha! She flung it back, jovially. Stef wasn’t too hot for substitute teacher, how’ bout Caroline, a genius at self control? Car’s too good, and doesn’t understand how hard it is. Since being around too much blood brings out The Rippah in Stefan…tussle flip (they were havin WAY too much fun wrestling and playin with sharp, pointy objects)! That left Damon.
Don’t be jealous, Stef knew she wished it could be him. SO! Teacher and student were crashing Bonnie’s trip to Whitmore College. The Professor that took over Gram’s classes invited Bonnie to visit. Snuggle–Stef’s the one that was getting her through this, no matter who taught her how to feed. Be careful. The blood, the feed, it’s easy to get caught up in it.
THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Rebekah served it Oprah Gangnam Style! Matthew Donovan, come on down! You’re the winner of a brand new apology truck, paid for and insured (!) minus the big red bow! Matty was ALMOST too full to indulge, and walked away to reveal our next hot menu item of the day, Self-Basting Klaus!
Now that entrée almost turned Bex’ stomach! He couldn’t leave town while his ‘desperate for love and affection’ sister was left bribing The Help (The Help, how you’ve changed! lol DON’T EAT THE CHOCOLATE PIE!) This week’s Blue Plate Special–The Brotherhood of The Five feast! Well, Bex was still simmering in her own juices, so she didn’t care about that (tell it to your eyes, sister), and she didn’t care about Klaus. Check please!
CAMPUS THREAT WARNING SYSTEM ACTIVATED
The Emergency Alert System at nearby Whitmore College Campus tripped upon arrival of Damon, Elena, and Bonnie. Students! There were actual students with books and classes and everything! Send a field correspondent! Bon can’t spell Elena from her bloodlust, so visiting now beat a bloodbath at Freshman Orientation! E didn’t see college in her future. Stop with the pity party, if Damon can go to college, Elena can go to college. He’d been Good ‘N Plenty of times–he always had a thing for sorority girls (like that one right there…….)
Kinda hot Professor Shane’s Anthropology Class was a slide-lecture on witchcraft. Not the Halloween costume, villain of a fairy tale, or ex-GF kinda witch. Did the Prof say Tamielle Soso? Who’s takin notes? Did that slide resemble the Bennett bloodline or do we need glasses? Our trio took seats–the girls were impressed with the hotness factor–Damon eyerolled.
The Prof expounded that witches cross every culture in history, and were architects of the supernatural (eyeroll became side-eye to Bonnie). Witches are responsible for everything that goes bump in the night from ghosts, to vampires, to doppelgangers. Skeptics call that a coincidence, ‘True believers‘ (meaningful pause) you know what, there really is no such thing. Class-interrupted Damon turned into Sage of 3.16, 1912, pointing out potential meals. What if E IS a Ripper? Well pick a meatsuit and find out. Stoner guys are no good–too paranoid, with an unwanted extra buzz. Geeky girl was fun-sized, but suspicious of anyone who’s nice to them.
Wait, SHE was the one. The pretty little self-absorbed, easily flattered blonde. Just separate her from the pack and make her move. Um, was The Professor interrupting them, or maybe the other way around? Elena apologized, Damon quipped he was just saying how much he loooved witches. You and me both, brother.
PRIVATE GALLERY SHOWING AT FORTRESS KLAUS
Klaus Mikaelson stood the art world on it’s ear [bare feet] this week, branching out from sketching and painting to carpentry! He made an Asshatrack outa Connor and had him on display at Fortress Klaus! The vibe was sort of medieval, muscular, stripped down Darth Vader on a shingle.
Resident art-critic Stefan had been reading 50 Shades of Grey, and compared the display to trussing him up in Klaus’ Red Room of Pain. Even hybrid security detail couldn’t keep Stef from this home invasion. NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! (Sorry, Monty Python joke!) Asshat was mum about The Council fire and the Greater Evil. Stef couldn’t say what brought him to the show in front of Asshat, since hmmm, he can’t be compelled–but Klaus knew Good ‘N Plenty!
ITALIAN PRE-RENAISSANCE ART LESSON
Stefan hadn’t invaded Klaus’ space just to admire the artwork. He knew Klaus was up to something when he did the wrist job curing Elena’s werewolf poisoning. With no return on his investment! Benevolent? We didn’t think so! Stef didn’t either, and it was a good thing he had nothing better to do all day than get answers out of Klaus! Stef might be useful in getting Rebekah to cooperate. It was lesson time!
The Brotherhood of The Five, a group of highly skilled vampire hunters crossed paths with The Originals in 12th century Italy. 1114, to be precise. FLASHBACK! Niklaus and his siblings followed the Normans conquering the South, feeding and turning folks as they went. But with the bloodshed came exposure. Elijah and Niklaus stumbled on a medicine-show being conducted for some villagers by who we later discovered was Alexhander. (EDITORIAL COMMENT: We’re puttin an “H” in his name because he reminded us so much of the warriors of The Black Dagger Brotherhood books–romance-novel hair, big attitude, big pecs, big blade, big swoon, big dot dot dot! lol So the “H” stays!)
Alexhander demonstrated the demons that lived among the villagers by having one on the platform with him (who were those two tied to stakes in the sun, witches?). Release the evil Jack in the Box! FLAME ON! Elijah kinda looked sick as the free-range vampire roasted before their very eyes, but Niklaus wasn’t impressed–he could eat Alexhander for sport. And apparently, Rebekah WAS! Between Niklaus in the South and Kol in the East, they hadn’t been ‘discreet’. Only Elijah could come up with that word. The story of The Original Vampires was spreading–Klaus welcomed such infamy. Perhaps Rebekah’s ‘discretion’ was the one in question, since Alexhander kissed her hand and led her away from the medicine-show.
Apparently The Hunters had been around for 900 years. Asshat was the first Klaus had seen since then. Bex had a ‘thing’ for one of them? Not just a ‘thing’. She fell in love with a Hunter, and he told her all his secrets. WHICH Klaus would share with Stefan if he could get Bex over to Fortress Klaus. We smell forced wingmanship! Klaus wanted Hunter scoopage outa Bex, and she wouldn’t do it unless she believed they’d made up. What’s in it for Stef? Just get her there and Klaus would tell him. Trust Klaus, that trussed-up hunter held the answer to all Stef’s prayers. Curious much, Stef? Very much.
PLATE SLATE AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Back at The Grill, April was holding down a booth like the loser new girl, so Matt offered her more water? Cheapskate, couldn’t she at least order a Coke? Actually, she was with a friend. Bex. Yeah, it was SO hard for Matty to believe Bex had a ‘friend’. But he’s keeping the truck! Yays! April followed Matt’s exit with her eyes, but OFF LIMITS! Bex has dibs! lol
Slip-in Stef with a quick compulsion so April wouldn’t remember what she was about to hear. Methinks April is becoming the new Airhead! Double-agent Stef spilled Klaus’ beans about faking peace with Bex so SHE’D spill about The Five. Oh, hell, he’d just betray Stef again. And Bex thinks Stef hates her more than Klaus does. Because of a little Elena death? Puleez. Stef can give Bex the one thing that Klaus won’t. A clean slate. He’s not willing to forgive her for the Elena death, but he was willing to set it aside and start over. REBOOT!
Bex wasn’t leavin town anytime soon, and Stef just wants them all to get along. Oh, pooh! Bex can’t be happy wandering around school friendless–but she didn’t care. Except about what Matt thinks. Maybe Stef can convince him to reboot, too? BINGO!
STUDENT ASSAULTED ON CAMPUS
That young, healthy, blonde college Anthropology student was Elena’s first high stakes dangerous maneuver. You know how you can never perform when your teacher’s watching? Well, once Elena approached Blondie out on campus for the Anthropology reading list and got a load of the little sis pic on Blondie’s phone–epic “F” for failure! Master super-vampire lesson plan spoiled, and she didn‘t even get high marks for compulsion!
Damon lectured that everybody is somebody’s uncle, or father, or camp counselor or Bible study teacher–she cared because she was still ‘Feeling’ Elena! Bonnie interrupted (this WON’T be the first time this week!), she’d talked to Professor Shane about some Grams’ stuff in his office.
Oh, and with a Murder House Party flyer–Come as your favorite victim or killer! How quaint! lol Frat party–douche central! Elena would be eating high off the Hogwarts tonight! What should they go as, Deatheaters or Muggles?
DINNER PARTIES NOW AND THEN–Well, Stef successfully maneuvered Bex back over to Fortress Klaus, where they caught up with him seeing to Asshat’s creature comforts. NOT. Bex queried about the bloody Five tat? Not visible on this lot like they were on the last. Let’s eat (in two centuries)! The small but lavish dinner party of three was a memory of 3.13, Bringing Out The Dead (what’s up with these past epi reminders this week?). The tableau was complete with vervain-free voluptuous serving maid and background classical violins! Bex got petulant, she wouldn’t eat her veggies until Klaus apologized for breaking her neck–who cared if she busted his doppelganger stash! You can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat (giggles). Bicker, bicker–big brothers take little sisters for granted, sweetheart! Stefan would have rather had dinner with a million other people than these two! Okay, Big Bro faux apologized. Stef was more interested in Rebekah’s Hunter. Alexhander. Nice chap.
AT A DINNER PARTY SOMEWHERE IN 12th-CENTURY ITALY–Dining al fresco we caught a handsome foursome: Alexhander, the guest, with hosts Rebekah, Elijah, and Niklaus, unafraid of his crusade for Creatures of the Night due to their daywalker rings. No violins, but a tasteless burlap-wearin butler!
Alexhander was unaccustomed to such luxury, but Elijah bluffed him that they were thankful for his eye-opening quest and interested in learning more about their Order! Haha! They were but five men, bound by fire and the last breath of a dying wish to a single cause. The destruction of all vampires. Drink! How? The ultimate weapon (oh, not again!), which no vampire can survive.
BACK TO THE FUTURE–Is THAT what this is all about? A weapon? We could just hear Stef’s brain saying, “Moonstone, Aztec legend, sacrifice, white oak ashed dagger, white oak stake, Stake 2.0–does the song remain the same?“ How was a weapon the answer to all Stefan’s prayers? Pregnant pause. Skip the theatrics. In order to find the weapon, they needed to solve the puzzle. Get the free game download at the app store! What puzzle? Oh, SMH, tattoo. De plane, Boss, de plane! Tattoo isn’t a midget, it’s a map! Fat lot of good an invisible Marauder’s Map was (I solemnly swear that I am up to No Good).
Pardon Klaus, love, could NearlyHeadless Hybrid Nate bring in dessert? Jeremy? Asshat had spilled that Jeremy was the only other person that could see the tats. And since Jer’s a fellow artiste…Jeremy would help Klaus over his dead body! Don’t say that, Jer! NearlyHeadless ripped off Jer’s GetOutOfDeathFreeRing and tossed it to Klaus. There was Stef, stuck in the middle again!
FRATERNITY MURDER PARTY ALLEGEDLY LEADS TO ATTACKS
WHITMORE COLLEGE NEWSDESK–Campus police received a report that possible multiple hemorrhaging hickey assaults occurred at the Sigma Kappa Beta fraternity house November 1st. No criminal charges were filed, but the investigation into the allegation disclosed the reported HH assaults happened during an off-campus party in which members of
ΣKB provided alcohol to minors. Specifically, free Bloody Marys until midnight, supplied by unassuming Serial Killer Frankie.
Suspects at large were described as Jack the Ripper and the Ripperettes aka Dapper Damon and coquettish Elena/Bonnie backup singers, as well as Professor Creepy–wait, was he the House Mother? MoFo? Alleged victims included inebriated sleaze balls all covered in blood. Did Elena stay true to type? All-American second string quarterback rufie-guy, ring any bells? Go get ‘em, gurl! Ding, ding, ding! Dinner bell! Party on, Garth!
EXCLUSIVE! In a firsthand account of the rufie-guy HH assault, our reporter witnessed him separated from the pack by suspect Elena, in a secluded off-party make-out room. She quickly compelled the dimpled victim–let the artery sucking begin! Damon likes to watch? Good thing–“Step AWAY from the edge, E!“ She just couldn’t get enough of a good thing! But step away she did, adroitly tackin on the ‘forget this’ instruction, earning her a “Nice touch” from Professor Damon this time!
Who says kids don’t learn anything in school these days? Was that inappropriate teacher-student embrace for extra credit? It certainly got a grin from Elena, as well as an O-face from Damon! Please, sir, I want some more (not now, Oliver, we’re busy)!
As not-so-eager Jeremy studiously replicated Asshat’s ink on paper, he got entertained with Confessions of a Bald Black Hunk. Asshat was confounded by Potential Jer’s betrayal at the Hospital Explosion, and why a vampire sympathizer could see the tats. Jeremy called him out on his cluelessness–a couple of days ago Asshat was the Alex Trebec of Answers and now all of a sudden he’d become the Britney Spears of Boobs?
Years ago Asshat met a comrade soldier in Iraq with the Maker’s Mark and a DNA-ingrained intense desire to kill vampires. Aha! Those muscles came from REAL boot-camp! The song remained the same as Jeremy’s–if Asshat could see the soldier’s tat, he was A Potential. The two commandos fell out of touch (can you say, casualty of war?) until one day, the tat just showed up on Asshat’s hand (one dies, another takes his place!). The more vamps Asshat offed, the more the bleeding ink spread, like it was tryin to tell him something. So now they were BOTH Britney!
PRE-RENAISSANCE PORN UNCOVERED
Meanwhile, Bex and Klaus recounted her tragic tale of steamy Hunter romance from Rebekah’s POINT of view *wink*. The original Brotherhood of Five had visible ink (and nice chests), and between straddle tonsillectomies, Bex got Alexhander to tell her the tats were a map that took him and his brothers years to translate. With the help of the secret decoder
ring sword. Oh, Rebekah, always sucked in by love’s sweet invitation of map-following trips and HEAs. Never trust a lover with a witch-forged dagger and a bottle of alchemic ancient white oak ash as bedside aphrodisiac!
You gotta be into some kinda S&M to sleep with a guy who keeps multiple metallic sex toys in the bed *cough cough*, just sayin! (EDITORIAL NOTE: Jonathan Gilbert’s journal, 2.15, The Dinner Party, specified “A” [singular] dagger was forged–um, there were FIVE, and we gotta track ALL of them down, now?)
The Brotherhood’s idea of an adult slumber party put the rest of The Originals down in their sleep–ever slept like the undead? Elijah, Kol, Finn, and Niklaus all got a taste of The Perfect Sleeper courtesy of the Hunter Brotherhood, but any self-respecting reader knows the daggers don’t work on hybrid Klaus! He was NOT The Perfect Sleeper–forget tonsillectomies, Klaus went right for Five manual tongue-removals, ending with Alexhander pinned to the wall with his own secret decoder
ring sword. Rebekah trusted Alexhander’s stupid promises OVER HIM!? The great weapon that the tattoo map leads to that can bring about the end of the vampire species…….drum roll please……..A CURE! Call Jonas Salk!
NO SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL
Why didn’t Klaus search for The Cure for vampirism if it was the truth?! Hothead Hybrid’s extinction of the Brotherhood backfired. Dead Brotherhood tats tell no tales, since the ink disappeared! Not a whisper of Hunters until Asshatrack showed up in Mystic Falls 900 years later. Klaus went on a rant about Rebekah’s endless pathetic love-life cycle of disappointment and deception but NO! She stayed loyally with Klaus and fared better than Finn! Ooh, scoopage! Now we knew–Klaus left Finn daggered for 900 years due to his judgy, dullard ‘tude. He was more interesting as Finn in a Box. Klaus wants The Cure for The Elena hybrid-making factory–Bex accused him of calling on Stefan‘s help, even though he hates Klaus’ guts, for that very reason! Save Elena! Shove your Cure! Klaus’ wry smile was NOT an indicator of a foiled plan. He’d chased Rebekah off, but she WOULD tell Stefan what Klaus needed to know. More forced wingmanship. Bex knows where the secret decoder
ring sword is, Stef had a chance to save Elena by finding out where, make a Deal with the Devil!
EXPOSÉ–PROFESSOR CREEPY, HOUSE MOFO
Whitmore College’s own Anthropology Professor Creepy is not just an ordinary hoarder, he’s a one-man traveling occult exhibit. In his possession–Sheila Bennett family photos and her first-edition Stephen King canine thriller, Cujo (wouldn’t you just know it was the one about a DOG?!) We stuck a spy-cam in Bonnie’s bustier and also caught a glimpse of a framed, eerie, snake-encircled parchment pentagram on his wall. He funded his Indiana Jones adventures by exhibiting his wares in small towns. But this was an investigative invitation to his room, he wanted to know if Bonnie practiced safe sorcery like Sheila–nope, not anymore, consequences caught up with her. Shane’s a ‘true believer’ just don’t tell! Bonnie was curious if Professor Creepy was a [warlock]? No, just an open-minded guy who’s seen a lot and willing to share. Yeah, we bet he is.
LET THE DEBAUCHERY BEGIN!
SODOM & GOMORRAH FO SURE! MFM enlisted the reporting skills of Calvin Harris for the next news item from the Murder Party Central dancefloor–his lyrics described the Delena debauchery to a tee!
I feel so close to you right now
It’s a force-field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there’s no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now
They were drunk on blood and high on each other, ah, The Feels! The Victims! The Compels! The Ecstasy! The Gyrating! The Tasting! The O-faces! THE BUZZKILL BONNIE! (It woulda taken a lot more than her shocked scornful mug to pry us outta that hot mess, but Elena snapped back to reality in a heartless beat. How could she walk away from having him where we wanted him?)
LOCAL ARTIST TURNS CRITIC
Klaus was impatient to view Jer’s nice lines–don’t be a smartmouth, Jer! Klaus KNEW it was a drawing of the tattoo, but where was the rest of it?! With our model Asshatrack looking on, Jeremy choked out *haha* that Asshat confessed to the tat spreading every time he killed a vamp. Saved by the
bell bullshit! Klaus shouted for NearlyHeadless Nate to guard Asshat’s life at all costs and send Jeremy home.
Left by his lonesome on the hatrack, Asshat put those bulging biceps to good use rattling his own cage! NearlyHeadless returned to tighten the leash–don’t get so close to the animals, dude! You might get your piercing orally removed and used as a lock-pick! Freak!
HIT THE ROAD, JACK (THE RIPPER)
Once outside The Party, Elena was aghast at her actions–she listened to Damon, and he made everything sound like a good idea. She should be going through this with Stefan, not Damon! Ahem. Enter offended party. Bonnie read Damon off for letting Elena get completely out of control. Hey, she acted like a different person because SHE’S NOT A PERSON–SHE’S A PREDATORY VAMPIRE HAVING FUN!
They hunt, they feed, they kill, and when the guilt gets too bad, they flip the humanity switch and revel! Does Damon want Elena to be like him? Um, she already is! He’s able to drink his fill and not go Rippah Decapitating Machine like Stefan because he can revel in it and make it FUN! Well let’s hit the road (before Elena picks up her jaw from the floor in dawning reality)!
WHEN A SALVATORE CALLS…
Bex joined Stefan at Stately Salvatore Manor in a drinking discussion of her undeserved treatment at the hands of her brother. She’d wanted The Cure at the expense of her family way back when. Would Stefan take it if he had the chance, or was it just for Elena? Half answering the question, Stef admitted to wanting an Elena Eternity, but every vampire kills, and if compassion-driven Elena flips that humanity switch there would be no return.
Stef would do anything to save her. Bex envies the love Elena and Stefan have (well duh). She’d believed Alexhander’s profession of love and promise of marriage–even picked out a church (pay attention!) Salvatore Umbrien A. She knew Stef wanted her help, but not if Klaus got his way. Before Bex could exit, Stef gave her the other half of his answer. If he could be with Elena, have children (um, potential doppelganger issues), grow old, die and be buried together–YES, Stef would take The Cure! Game, set, and match! Bex was completely taken in by Stefan’s lovely confession, telling him that even after everything, she’d laid Alexhander to rest with his sword in the very church they were to be married in–oops! Too much honesty, especially with prying Klaus ears listening in! (Comparison: Alexhander buried with his blade, Giuseppe buried with his journal–let’s go dig!)
But before the dig, Bex required a wardrobe makeover. Daggered Bex needs to wear open midriff tops and get her own ink–INSERT DAGGER HERE! She’s getting close to Ric’s dying record, and since she’d served Klaus’ purpose, she got the point AGAIN!
50 SHADES OF PLANE ON STANDBY
Daggering done, Stefan covered the corpse, taking his instructions from Klaus. 1) Klaus gets the sword, 2) Hybrids keep an eye on Asshat, 3) Stefan stashes Rebekah-bod, 4) Stef insures Jeremy forgets the entire day, and 5) returns the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing. The Cure is a SUPER SECRET (which NEVER get kept in Mystic Falls, not with our reporters snooping around) under threat of permanent mind erase by Klaus if it gets out! Just you and me, Stefan, some secrets are stronger than family. Ha!
THE RETURN OF THE PORCH OF TRUTH
WHAT LIES *WINK* BENEATH THE PORCH OF TRUTH?! It’s been a while since we visited The Porch of Truth, but there were Damon and Elena on the brink again. She was sorry things got ’out of hand’ at the party, but deep down she believed what Damon said a vampire should be. Only she doesn’t what, wanna be like Damon? Who barged in on this intimate moment?
Ah, eavesdropping Stefan, at the Gilbert’s visiting with Jeremy (see items 4 and 5 above). Damon asked of any Hunter news? No, nothing new (LIES!) Well then today was a bust–and poor Damon turned Elena over to Stefan with a “she’s all yours”. Poor Damon left, alone. (Why was the entire news staff hollering, “WE VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!”)
Elena explained to Stef she’d learn how to feed properly, and it SUCKED! Stefan reassured her it would get easier, but she didn’t want these feels, she was becoming something she didn’t want to BE, she wouldn’t survive–PANIC MODE! Hold on, Elena! Hold on to Stefan–she did.
ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST GROWS
Completing Item 2 above on the Klaus to-do list, NearlyHeadless Nate brought water and a sammich in for Asshatrack and phoned out for 3 more for protection detail, just in case. Too late! Connor played possum till the hang up, jumped Nate, garotted him, then executed a perfect over-the-shoulder decapitation by chain.
Ewww! Too bad about NearlyHeadless Nate. Not only are hybrids an endangered species, but ones with a few lines? Roadkill. Just look at Asshat’s ink swell! Soon appeared an exact replica of…
…the snake-encircled pentagram parchment on Professor Creepy’s wall! Didn‘t take Connor long to appear at Creepy‘s door, either! Creepy wanted to know in a VERY superior manner why Asshat wasn‘t in MF killing vampires? Why the HELL did Creepy send Connor to MF? BAM!
R.I.P. toasty 12th century Italian vampire, and a fond farewell to NearlyHeadless Hybrid Nate–short but sweet! Missing persons included Tyler and Caroline (off doing Klaus knows what *wink*), but at least Sheriff Liz phoned it in!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
I knooow we had no trouble selecting this edition’s Woobie Word of the Week! So cute in his little Jack the Ripper outfit, but those made-up Damonisms get us every time! WITCHIPEDIA!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!