Mystic Falls Messenger
People are dying to visit scenic Mystic Falls! Tour Urns R Us! Stay for the free t-shirt! Under the circumstances, we devoted the entire freakin edition to one big, fat obituary! Put on your little black dress and mourn with us!
Editor’s note: Mad love to Ruthie for capturing the memorable moments we all loved the second we saw them! Special thanks to Tweetbud @rainbowdragon12 for late-night snark bouncing! Kudos also go out to the townspeople of Mystic Falls this edition; they just kept feeding our staff the headlines!
NEW IN-N-OUT FEATURES BAMBI BURGER TO GO
Our spotlight fell on a new Mystic Falls eatery, just when you thought it was safe to go back into the woods. Reporters caught up with The SalvaBros arguing the merits of The Delusional Vampire Natural Food Pyramid on the menu at In-N-Out. With the restaurant’s idyllic woodsy setting, you’d think the Bambi Burger (animal style, of course) would go down and stay down–neither the Health Department nor Damon Salvatore approved! Elena’s gonna be miserable!
Resilient larger animals
Recycled soccer moms in a bag
Friends, Lovers, and Supernatural Sexies
PEOPLE! PEOPLE! PEOPLE! PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
Stefan packed a pre-lunch ‘Nap’ Sack for Elena’s little training session. Hey, come for the snuggle, stay for the after dinner Up-Against-A-Tree-Sex! Learning how to run vampspeed track touched EVERY nerve on Elena’s body (perhaps the instructor’s sexy ear murmurings had something to do with that)–HAND CHECK! Whew! We got goosebumps just watching all that stroking! Forget last week’s hot hybrid near-sex, up against a tree mofo!
The teaching progressed smolderingly well (teeth, tongues, skin, panting) until Elena’s Bambi Burger hit the bottom of her stomach and made a spectacular projectile reappearance. Mood killer! PUKE!
LAST WEEK’S CRIME SCENE REVISITED
Unwelcome vandals besmirched the scene of the tragic cattle ranch explosion. Undisturbed were the evidence body marking numbers–it’s damned difficult to draw a chalk outline around a pile of ash (alas, poor Number 10, we knew ye not!). Who was that shady character with the bald noggin and the well-manicured facial hair?! The well-muscled snooper with the mag-lite checked out the joint, discovered the disconnected gas line, the discarded Zippo, and even defiled evidence!
Who was April and why was the Post Office delivering her mail to the Young Farm oven? The Snooper lifted a rather pristine envelope (considering the ash in the drip pan) addressed to Mystery April. Guess the Arson Squad was a little short-handed after the City Hall upheaval last week and missed that piece of evidence! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? DO NOT APPROACH, CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS! CALL CRIMESTOPPERS!
FAULTY GAS LINE LEADS TO TRAGIC EXPLOSION AT YOUNG FARM
TOWN COUNCIL BLOWN UP, POLICE HAVE NO SUSPECTS
Speaking of the City Hall overthrow, Liz Forbes got her tin star back! This was inexplicably due to the fact that the entire Town Council save her, Carol Lockwood, and Meredith Fell, are the only surviving members. Liz was all business-as-usual, catching up with Damon at The Mystic Grill drowning his sorrows. Don’t sit there, Liz, the seat next to Damon is permanently taken (and it ain‘t Clint Eastwood). See below for details.
(EDITORIAL COMMENT: Were all the coup deputies blown up, too, because apparently Liz has a new posse investigating the tragedy.)
Liz insinuated Damon perpetrated the blow-up–but he always takes credit for killing people. Well, it wasn’t an accident, the explosion was an inside job. The Council’s dead and Damon thought that was WINNING! The dead ones may have been long-time Liz buds, but, um, they tried to kill her daughter, remember?
The Shady Snooper with the sticky fingers came waltzing in The Grill–hey, who’s the new guy? Excuse me Sheriff–Connor Jordan, independent contractor. ROLL OUT THE UNWELCOME WAGON! He wanted to talk to Liz in private about the Young Farm incident. Yeah. Mr. Busybody Guy.
TRAGIC INCIDENT ‘SPARKS’ STUDENT COUNCIL ACTION
The ironic moronic MF Student Council made a buttload of paper lanterns to light up for the Council Memorial Service. There was Jer, grunt that he is, loading them up in the back of his SUV at the school. Even Matt thought fire might be a little inappropriate, but WTH. Caroline obviously wasn’t in charge of the taste meter for once. Matty was more concerned about how Elena was doing. (Guilt trip alert!) He’s alive and she’s a vampire because Stef saved him first, and he wanted do whatever he could to pay it back/forward/sideways (short of giving her a ride–for several OBvious reasons).
Our MFHS reporter overheard the arrival of New Kid on the Block, boarding school April Young (AHA! April!), Elena’s former babysitting charge and daughter of the late not-so-great Pastor Young. Well wasn’t THAT awkward–Matt and Jer remembered the emo pixie cut and braces, but everybody was confused at her epic failure to respond to their sympathy. What a freak!
A very private party took place in Stefan’s room at Stately Salvatore Manor, following a hushed voicemail Elena left for Caroline begging for help with adjustment issues (uh-oh). Stef brought in a bottle of vintage 1993 Chateau Lafite Go-Down-Like-Silk bubbly to celebrate Elena’s first feed. Even though it was disgusting, and traumatic and horrible, she survived it. The voice of experience, Stefan had choked down the animal substitute for a month before he could stomach it! Cheery Stefan with much pep in his step. Elena’s here and alive-ish. POP THE CORK! Damon interrupted their celebratory kiss (what timing) with a troubling call from high atop his barstool perch at The Grill.
FREE T-SHIRTS AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Guess our half-sheet to the wind Damon passed on Liz’ accusation about the Young Farm detonation. The faux-happy couple split up, with Elena arriving at The Grill for today’s menu special–The Taken Seat. Pretend there’s someone sitting there because the alternative’s just too damn depressing. See FARTHER below for even MORE depressing! Elena demanded to know if Damon set off the explosion–get yer “I Blew Up the Town Council” t-shirt before supplies run out! Did she want anything else? Dessert? After-dinner mint? Something was wrong (Damon-wince). Help me, Damon, I’ve fallen and I can’t not throw up! Well, they WERE in a diversified diner with Asian Fusion, Mexican, or some Good Old American Comfort Food on the menu. With every meal you get a free t-shirt! A stressed-out Elena declined the human blood. She’s gotta get through this without hurting anyone. Fine. Come with Damon to the town‘s most famous hot make-out spot, The Grill John. What was he doing dragging her in there and locking the door? Giving her what she needed.
WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: You’re a new vampire, Elena, and you need warm blood, from the vein.
Oh, our eavesdropper caught on to this hand munching pretty damn quick–maybe a little high-test plasma would do the trick. Shhhh! Don’t tell Stefan. Blood sharing is kinda personal. Oh hot damn! Elena only had eyes for Damon’s bloody palm. On the other hand, Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head. (Shoutout to the book nerds–blood sharing between vamps is, after all, an orgasmic little death experience!) Wet cleanup in the loo!
Speaking of sex, Carol Lockwood turned the other cheek since Forwood was getting busy in Tyler’s bedroom! Car the mood killer thought it was wrong that a bunch of people died and they were having sex.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT #2: Grief sex! It’s healthy! It’s selfish. It’s natural. If they stopped having sex every time somebody died in this town, they’d explode! Mr. Sensitivity completely collapsed all of Caroline’s arguments with a well placed “I love you“. Haha!. Ding Dong! Asshat calling!
Downstairs, Carol KNEW who Connor Asshat at the door was, didn’t want to talk to him, and condescendingly informed him the farmhouse tragedy was an INTERNAL matter. To a pushy door-to-door salesman like Connor it was a cover up He barged right on in (so quick with the handshake in the workout gloves every time. Apparently a hunter‘s answer to Lady Gaga.). Twelve council members dead, Mayor Lockwood, why wasn’t SHE at that unofficial meeting?
Oh, joy, there was Tyler dressing as he came downstairs, and Asshat got a sinister gleam in his eye. What’s going on? Oh, geez. Gloves steeped in vervain made for a painful handshake–Tyler crumpled immediately, and Asshat pulled out a handgun, nailing Ty several times right in the pecs. The gunshots alerted Car, who got up in her sexy little red silks (she must have the undie budget this season). While Connor was reloading, Tyler rose up and broke through the window to escape (even though the door was standing wide open–there’s just something about hybrid mentality…DOG BRAIN!). Connor high-tailed it after him, while Car (in Tyler’s shirt) and Carol just stood there jaw dropped, staring at Tyler’s blood on the floor!
77% OF ALL ACCIDENTS HAPPEN AT HOME. BE PREPARED!
Introducing Stefan Salvatore, Field Medic. He turned the Salvatore living room into a M.A.S.H. unit, pullin strange wooden, vervain soaked slugs outa Tyler and sterilizing them in bourbon. Guess Ty and Car gave Asshat the slip. If Tyler was a ‘normal’ vampire he’d be dead. Wanna see their etchings? Car asked if the bullets were ‘spelled’. Wouldn’t an Alaric archaeologist be handy right about now?
SETTING THE SCENE FOR A DISASTROUS MEMORIAL
The next day, Elena and Matty were spotted at the church, moping around preparing for the memorial service and noticing poor April Young in the front pew. Elena went down to catch up with her–they hadn’t seen each other since Elena’s parents’ funeral. The officials wanted April to speak at the service, but she was clueless what to say, and very emo about it.
April may not have gotten along with her dad, but everybody deserved to have nice things said about them at a time like this. Elena advised her to speak or not speak, but not worry about Pastor Young, everybody loved him (well, up until a few days ago). Elena grasped April’s hand, but ooh, that pulse! She was getting woozy! Gotta go, bye!
Elena just made it to the Porcelain Throne in the church basement before she upchucked again. Mourning sickness. And in the sink. And down the front of her dress.
VISIT YOUR LOCAL SHUT-INS
The weird ammo dilemma sent Stef over to Bonnie’s house looking for answers. Stefan had never been invited in before, but The Bonster needed a hug and let him in with a nod. Field medic turns comfort station! Bonnie was a hot mess about doing black magic, and dealing with The Other Side isn’t reliable. Witches could just be trying to mess with her head. Everything had her reliving the whole Grams thing, so she‘d shut herself off.
Enough about her, why was Stef there? Mr. Polite was just gonna leave, but he’s not exactly a drop-by kind of guy. Well alrighty then! Stef showed Bonnie the whoopee bullets that came outta Tyler. One look told Bonnie it wasn’t magical writing etched on the bullets. Well crappie doodle, by the by, there’s a new vampire hunter in town. Bad timing.
SKIP TO MY LOO!
MEANWHILE back at the church basement loo, Elena scrubbed the bloody sink and desperately yammered to Damon on her cell–he was on the way with fresh clothes but somebody was jiggling the door handle! Hurry Damon, someone’s outside and she needed HELP! It was Asshat at the door, where he eventually parked his butt, waiting. What a relief when she heard Damon arrive–so sorry to take so long, um, spilled coffee all over her dress….yeah, right.
Elena locked herself back in with a reassuring look from Damon, and Asshat tried his usual unfriendly handshake intro (um, finally–he totally ignored Damon at The Grill). I’m Connor Jordan (and I approved this message)–I’m Damon, Germaphobe! Elena was busy shoving bloodied paper towels into her bag while Damon made snark-talk with Asshat–Bible salesman? No, environmental cleanup. Bwahaaa! There’s an inside joke there somewhere! Elena emerged all fresh in a little black dress, as Damon told Asshat to enjoy the scenery–it’s to DIE for! Funeral pun–too soon!
Well if the gloves won‘t catch him a vampire, maybe BAIT will! Asshat snuck up on April as she nervously practiced her speech in the choirloft and gutted her. Plasma air freshener, anyone? Smells like teen spirit! Can I get an “Amen”?!
Damon’s delivery was not just a new dress, and got Elena out of the church so they could talk (use your INSIDE voice, panicky Elena, people can hear!). In the care package was also handy dandy bag of soccer mom! Which she couldn’t get down. That concerned Damon–maybe it was her doppelganger blood and she was rejecting the transition. Was she dying, AGAIN? Dr. Damon prescribed straight from the vein, again. Elena wouldn’t risk it, maybe she’d be better off dead–don’t you even think like that, Little Missy! And they both just lip stared at each for a minute here whilst he caressed the back of her neck. Ding, ding, the church bells ring! Elena had to get back inside.
SPEAKING OF DON’T TELL STEFAN
Not far off, Stefan witnessed at least the end of their little exchange and saw Damon stuff Elena’s soccer-mom lunch sack back in her bag. What’s in the bag, Damon? Mid-service snack, church always gets him hungry. Whole blood of Christ thing. Yeah, Stef wasn’t buying it. So Damon fessed up, he brought it for Elena. Stef doesn’t want her to get all desperate if she hurts somebody (oh, no, not a mini-ripper with shut off humanity!) Stef couldn’t let her be anything like himself, and God forbid she’d be anything like Damon! Annnd the arguing continued. Damon believed she’d go off the rails anyway, they should just get it over with and get her back.
Stefan stood up for her strength, if they help her–SHE’S FREAKIN STARVING, STEFAN! The four-legged protein shake was a bust, she hadn’t kept anything down for days. Uh-oh. She can’t even keep Damon’s blood down. Oops! Did he say that out loud? That was def a Stefan OSM (Oh, shit moment).
A very pale Elena slid into the pew next to Matt and her brother, both aghast at her condition. Jer told her April wanted help with her speech (once a babysitter, always a babysitter), but nobody knew where April was. ‘Cept us and Asshat, up in the choirloft with a high-powered rifle and gagged April bait, overlooking the packed sanctuary.
Caroline and Tyler were seated near the back of the congregation, so Stef sidled up to their pew and asked WTH Tyler was doing there with a vampire hunter hot on his disappearing tail. If he showed his face, Car was prepared to kick his ass! You go, gurl!
Stefan took a seat a few pews behind the Elena group, and Carol Lockwood opened the service by inviting anyone who would like to share a memory to come up front. April? Where’s April? No April. She’s busy bleeding out up in the choirloft with Asshat loading up some reeeally nasty looking wooden bullets. Come on, doesn’t ANYONE have anything nice to say about Pastor Young? After an uncomfortable silence, of COURSE it was Elena that stood up to speak (whilst trying not to upchuck yet again).
SNARK ATTACK! As Elena made her way to the pulpit, Damon sauntered in the back door, dipped his fingers in the Holy Water font, to his lips, then did his own version of blessing himself. “I don’t know why that always makes me smile.” He parked next to Stefan, and they did their best inside voice talk on how bad Elena looked, that she hadn’t told Stef she was rejecting all food sources, how jealousy was beneath Stefan, and BITE ME!
Elena began her shaky speech, with Asshat drawing a bead on her in his sights. This looked BAD! She was a sitting duckling! And OMG what WAS that smell? Why, it was the plasma air freshener, leaking through the floorboards of the choirloft and right into the Holy Water! Since oh, say, HALF the congregation was some type of supernatural creature, NOBODY MOVE! It’s a trap!
With Elena’s baby vamp nostrils flaring and nobody moving, Stef gallantly went up to comfort her (and hide her veiny eyes from prying ones). Damon looked about as jealous as Honey Boo Boo watchin a MoonPie! The presumed Associate Pastor called for the hymnals about then, everybody standing and conveniently blocking Asshat’s line of sight. Back at Elena’s pew, she was completely freakin about the smell, Damon was freakin about HER freakin, and Matt wanted the 4-1-1 on what was WRONG with her? (EDITORIAL COMMENT: We felt like everybody was tryin out their ventriloquist skills in the church–STOP MUMBLING AND MOVE YOUR LIPS!) They couldn’t get Elena out of there because ‘somebody’ was watching, and does the risk of exposing half the congregation outweigh Damon ripping Asshat’s head off? Ten seconds before Damon goes Old Fashioned on The New Guy! Don’t do it, Damon! 3 2 1 BYE!
Quarterbacks always come up with the best plays under pressure! Matt offered himself up as human sacrifice for Elena (did several sets of supernatural hearing ears perk up when he volunteered or what? Big ole blue eyes got a tad wider then he got a little woozy, but damned if it didn’t work! That even floored Asshat that they pulled it off in public! Looked just like Matt was only comforting Elena in her grief.
Asshat was still trying to get a clear shot, when Tyler pulled a play of his own, got up and (sorry, but it was all over my timeline on Twitter) TOOK ONE FOR THE TEAM! Put himself right up there at the pulpit and let Asshat draw down on him. PLAY OF THE DAY! But that shot started…
RIOT IN THE CHURCH
Mass pandemonium! Asshat stowed his hardware fast, whilst Elena and Company rushed to the injured Tyler and the rest of the townsfolk just rushed around. Caroline ripped that nasty wooden projectile from Tyler’s chest as his still-not-sure-about-all-this Mom watched. The Perks of Being a Hybrid.
Ty’s fine, but he was gonna KILL that bastard (although Damon was way ahead of him). Elena and Caroline beat stilettos in search of poor April, and guess what? CAROL LOCKWOOD GREW A BRAIN! She had to call an ambulance, as cover since the whole freaking town just witnessed Tyler getting shot!
Stef was off to help Damon, busy ripping Asshat’s pickup door off it’s hinges and getting several point-blank in the chest for his effort. They tussled for a few, Asshat pulling a stake on Damon, when Stef hollered out for his brother, um, two against one! Asshat jumped in his newly air-conditioned truck and laid rubber!
OW! Damon needs a TUMS! Just as we thought Stef was offering his hand to help Damon up off the pavement, KAPOW! Socked him right in the kisser! You know what that was for!
THE BEST SHIPS ARE FRIENDSHIPS
Elena found April bound, gagged, and hemorrhaging in the choirloft, triggering her baby vamp instincts. Ooh, goody, blood pudding! Thank God for Caroline! That humanity Stefan was afraid Elena would lose? Well, knowing her friend better than even Stefan does, Caroline used Elena’s own humanity to talk her down from the bloodlust. It was a scathingly brilliant speech reminding Elena that April was her friend, not lunch! Elena and April were now compatriot orphans, scared, just like Elena had been after Miranda and Grayson died. With Elena calmed down, Caroline munched a little magic wrist to heal April’s wounds.
In a second light bulb moment, Car knew who had to compel away the fear and knowledge April had received in such a short time. Elena needed to do it–the only way she would ever learn. YOU CAN DO THIS! Elena just needed to believe what she was telling April. She did it! Told April she had watched the funeral from above to grieve alone, it was a beautiful service, and people said nice things. It worked!
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON THE MAYOR’S SON
ALTAR BOY GOES POSTAL
Jeremy and Matt wrote those headlines, not us! It’s probably how they’ll cover up the insanity of the funeral. Apparently Jer was pickin up take-out at The Grill and Matty went back to work–he’s gotta buy new wheels, after all! And there was Asshat at the bar, all inquisitive about the bandage on Matt’s neck. Girlfriend went a little overboard–good thing Asshat is clueless that Matt’s forever single!
Closeup of a very intricate tat on Asshat’s right arm–ink that only Jeremy can see? WTF? Um, did it look like Asshat was also a little confused by that compliment Jer paid him? Okay, is this another offshoot to Jer Sees Dead People? Or maybe the wonky way his ring is gonna affect him now?
IF THE RV’S A ROCKIN….
Asshat apparently lives in an episode of ‘Hoarders’, because his RV was a tee-total mess inside! Laying amidst the refuge on his table we spied a slip of paper with Tyler’s name and question marks on it, along with the envelope addressed to April he’d purloined from the Farm House oven. The contents were a letter from Pastor Young to his daughter, explaining how sorry he was, his death was the first of many more sacrifices to come. There’s always been an evil that spread through Mystic Falls, but now a greater one is coming. WHAT?! His death is but the first in WHAT war ahead? And that fool Asshat didn’t have The Mystic Falls Messenger layin on his table but a copy of the stinkin Mystic Falls Courier? Traitorous!
HIGH HORSE PULLS UP LAME
Meanwhile, Stefan was back at Stately Salvatore Manor teaching Elena the fine art of bourbon drinking to squelch cravings. He was mad, and Elena knew it. She lied to him. Oh, come on, Stefan, get over yourself! He was just so damned happy he thought things were going well……AND she went to DAMON for help!
Elena thought Stefan would understand. Oh, he underSTANDS all right! She FED on him. Stupid baby vamp doesn’t know it, but that’s tantamount to a week in a sleazy motel, a bottle of Ecstasy and a Viagra chaser! And Damon knew it. She was soooorrry! Ah, turn on the tears–Elena had an overabundance of them with the heightened emo, pacing and proclaiming….
HER LIFE IS LIKE A NEVER-ENDING FUNERAL
What’s heightened? Her grief. She couldn’t stop feeling everyone’s grief. That honed right in on old soft-hearted Stefan. He wanted to take her someplace, there was something they needed to do.
Well the last place we thought we’d catch the gang was back at the schoolyard, but that’s where they all converged to finish the memorial they didn’t get to have earlier. Remember those paper lanterns Jer and Matt were loading up? Stefan passed one out to each of them–they needed to start healing, with each of them losing someone recently and pushing it away. They needed to let themselves grieve–Elena looked at Stefan with adoration. Damon looked at him with disgust. Um, they had more important things to do, like, find out who this vampire hunter was and what he knew about the death of The Council?! Not tonight, Damon, I have a headache! Light em up!
Stef’s lantern was for Uncle Zach, Lexi, Alaric (ouch, that one hit a little too close to home for Damon). Matt’s lantern was for Vicki. Caroline’s was for her dad and Tyler’s. Jer’s was for his and Elena’s parents, for Vicki, Anna, Jenna, and Alaric. All these dedications to Alaric really started to get to Damon. Jer handed the lighter to Damon, but no way, he wasn’t doin it and turned away and left. We had a feeling where he might be going, so one of our team tailed him. Bonnie’s lantern was next, for Grams. And last but not least, Elena’s was for her mom and dad, Jenna, everyone that they’d all lost, and for her. Because. How inspirational was it as they each let their lanterns go in turn like tiny hot air balloons into the night sky?
THIS IS THE REALLY BIG, BAD DEPRESSING DOWN BELOW!
Where did Damon go? He went to the cemetery, OMG, drinking and talking to his buddy Ric’s tombstone. Ranting about the Japanese lanterns and pronouncing them all children. Like lighting a candle was gonna make everything okay, or saying a prayer, or pretending Elena’s not gonna end up like the rest of the murderous vampires. Stupid, delusional, exasperating, little children. He was even answering himself–or was he? How many times has he swung by to throw back a few and talk at Ric’s headstone? How long was it gonna make them feel better, a minute, a day? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, no matter what you do, all you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. Oh, and a rock, with a birthdate carved into it that he was pretty sure was wrong.
OSM! There was Ric, calmly listening to Damon rant, with a smirk about that last crack. Damon mused he shoulda been long gone by now, he didn’t get the girl, remember? But he’s stuck there, fighting with his brother and taking care of the kids. Damon told Ric’s stone, “You owe me big.” Took a last swallow from the bottle, and got up. As he was walking away, Ric said, “I miss you, too, buddy.” We cried for TWELVE minutes after that!
MISSING PERSONS REPORT
Noticeably absent from this week’s festivities were Klaus, Rebekah, Bloody Hell, Ron Weasley! Did they even USE the word ‘Original’ for an entire episode? Honorable mention to absentee Dr. Meredith Fell.
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Well dear readers, it’s once again time to announce our picks for Woobie Word of the Week! It was almost “Germaphobe” (bwahaaa!) but in deference to our journalistic pursuits, we proclaim this week’s WWW as…………….NEWSFLASH!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!