Mystic Falls Messenger
In 1912, 1517 souls were lost when R.M.S. Titanic struck an iceberg and sank within the icy waters of the north Atlantic. Those weren’t the only souls lost that year…
Editor’s note: Spot the hats and animal references! HAT’S off to Ruthie for being sly as a FOX getting this week’s screencaps! Let’s let the CAT out of the bag, shall we? What this town needs is a good Haberdasher!
FUNKY HATS AND FUZZY ANIMALS–SERIAL SLASHER STILL AT LARGE
Dateline 1912–It was a dark and ominous night, the clock tower tolled, a rickety Model T crept by, a dog barked in the distance as Mr. Zachariah Salvatore and Sheriff Gerald Forbes, wearing simple felt hats discussed the weather. One (unnamed) councilman’s murder doesn’t make an epidemic indeed! On his walk home, Mr. Salvatore was attacked and killed by a Slasher! That was a short unfortunate guest spot–more later.
Dateline Present Day–Sheriff Liz Forbes committed a never-before seen in Mystic Falls feat this week by actually keeping a secret! Try as she might, Mayor Carol Lockwood was unable to FERRET out the identity of The Serial Slasher suspect following the murders of two council members and one attempted murder. Wouldn’t want to accuse the innocent!
Ric woke up from a “dead sleep” in a jail cell (a plain, old, ordinary one! lol). Liz might not tell Carol anything, but Damon knew! He was there arguing in his bro-buddy’s defense. The facts: Ric went for crazy Meredith with a knife he found hidden in her things, then she used vampire blood (Damon’s, we presume), to revive him. The outrage! Ric’s one of the victims! Well of course Dr. Crazy told Liz the wounds could have been self-inflicted. All Liz had to go on was a murder weapon from Ric’s own stash, and a Founding Family member pointing a very long finger! Framed! Liz didn’t have proof, but Detective Damon’s gonna find some! Don’t make me put you in that cell with him (sounded just like a Mom, didn’t she?)!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
Back on the mean streets of Mystic Falls, Elena and Matt were out for a leisurely *cough cough* jog. She can’t outrun her problems, or Matt’s announcement about her friends. Abby decided to complete her vampire transition at the Cutesy Cottage (is that her “home”?) with Bonnie, and Caroline was gonna help. Car will teach her the Stefan Tutorial BUNNY Diet Course. Bonnie knows it’s not Elena’s fault, but Elena thinks differently! Just in time to stop more running, Sheriff Liz called to announce Ric’s arrest!
SARCASM SETS THE WORLD RIGHT
Elena “ran” straight over to the jail, right into Damon–cue the fuzzy animal jokes! At first he said he was staying out of Ric’s mess, and of course Elena argued with him, it’s what they do best! He could rip out Dr. False Accusation’s throat, or maybe her tongue, chew it up in little tiny pieces and feed it to the SQUIRRELS (bwahaaa on the squirrel impression). Him staying out of it doesn’t sound nearly as funny! Oh, yeah, you’re welcome for him saving your life last night, Elena! She wanted him to show some compassion about Bonnie–they must be hurting, should he send lasagna? I’m mean, you hate me, the Earth is back on it’s axis. Strange “I’m processing” look when Elena told him if he kept pushing people away he was gonna end up alone.
DON’T PLAY TAPS UNTIL THE FUNERAL’S OVER
A very antsy Stefan was at home fidgeting with diary writer’s block (ah, we feels your pain!)–does tapping your daylight ring on the table really help? lol “Dear Diary, A CHIPMUNK asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.” We spewed! Damon was in rare form, suggesting they bond, hang out, team up, “activate their Wonder Twin powers”, to dig up clues to solve the whodunit. CSI: Mystic Falls. Dontcha need a flashlight and a reflective vest? Better yet, call Crimestoppers! Damon dug through Stef’s Bookshelf of Forlorn Journals looking for a singularly vague year–ah, yes, 1912! They both came back to town for the Uncle Zachariah’s funeral–there were two Founder’s council members killed in less than a month. Doesn’t that strike you as familiar, Stef?
1912–THE LAST TIME MYSTIC FALLS HAD A SERIAL KILLER ON IT’S HANDS
Dateline 1912–Scene, The Salvatore Tomb, surrounded by mourners. In hats. Two stuffy women in black approached Stefan, hat in hand, to express sympathy for “distant cousin Zachariah”. Stefan had not been back to town in a looooooong time, and corrected their lineage–his “nephew” actually. Bwahaaa! Marianna Lockwood and her friend Samantha Gilbert (granddaughter of the late, great Jonathan Gilbert)–yes, Stefan crossed paths with him back in the day! He asked these two total strangers for the details of Zachariah’s death–gossip is always the best medicine! He was murdered, and he wasn’t the first. Marianna and Samantha argued that Stefan should know, after all, he’s a Founding Family, like them! Did that make him a target or dot, dot, dot?
Cue the CROW! Heeeeeere’s Damon! Does this BOWLER hat make me look like I have a stick up my ass? After almost 50 years apart, the brothers still snarked at each other about eating the relatives, “Uncle” Zachariah, accusations of who killed who and eternal existence…let’s grab a drink and catch up! Echo, echo, echo, echo
Dateline Present Day–Wanna go get drunk? This time Damon extended the invitation–Stef thought Damon was bored since his drinking buddy was in jail! Well, maybe Damon could pique Stefan’s interest in helping solve the murders!
THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Appetizer of Rebekah hunting down Ye Olde Replacement White Oak tree from Women’s Libber Self-Important Lockwood Historian Carol. A dash of flattery always works with her! Big old trees built the town in the 1900s, so you may be sitting in it! High in fiber! Spice it up with The Salvatore Brothers arrival to a snarky she-devil comment and The Eye Thing. Or try the logging mills being owned by The Salvatores. That kinda ruined Bex’ appetite.
Soup of the day–Medical Examiner Brian Walters, Bill Forbes, and Alaric Salzman Founder’s Council Stew. Tap the table lightly, Stefan, lest you spoil the stew! Going cold TURKEY after a Ripper binge might not be the best approach! Add in a touch of bourbon and moderation. Is it Founder’s Council or Founding Family that’s the secret ingredient? They’re two very different things! At least in 1912 there was a dead Salvatore in the stew! Well, maybe Rebekah should stir the pot!
Try the goulash–Zachariah was actually The Bros’ nephew? Giuseppe knocked up one of the maids during the Civil War (pious player!) and she had a son. Since Damon and Stefan were technically dead, the family name had to go somewhere? That’s really warped if you think about it, because Giuseppe had to have done the deed while they were still human–I mean, Stefan killed him right after they turned. Rebekah was still stuck on the appetizer–The Salvatores owned the logging mills back then? Questions, questions! Don’t disguise your motives, Bex. If you want more sex, just ask for it! Bwahaaa! Not enough liquor in the world! Come on! It was too good for you to be this hostile!
Jonesing for some O-Positive? Not on the menu, Stefan! Our fearsome threesome debated whether the 1912 killer was actually a vampire. Me? Not me! You? Thought about it! Not Stef’s style! There weren’t any other vampires around back then, oh wait…..Sage (speaking of great sex).
POINT COUNTERPOINT REDEAUX
Meanwhile, over at the Jail–What was Ric’s motivation if he’s The Slasher? The 60 Minutes Andy Rooney and Shana Alexander team of Alaric and Liz argued the question through jail bars. Point Liz: Both the M.E. and Bill had been in scrapes with Meredith before they were killed. Meredith claimed Rick witnessed her fight with Brian Walters. AND that she told Ric that Bill threatened to turn her in to the Medical Board for giving him vampire blood.
Counterpoint Alaric: He barely knew Meredith at the time, why would he defend her honor? Ric vehemently denied any knowledge of the Medical Board threat–an alchy should never vehemently deny anything!
Point Liz: Phone records don’t lie, Ric talked to Meredith for over an hour the night Bill was killed. Oh, yeah, the drunk-dial call at 2 a.m.
Point Liz: What’s Ric’s alibi for the night Brian was killed?
Counterpoint Alaric: Liz saw him at the Bridge Fundraiser until midnight!
Point Liz: Time of death was between 1 and 3 a.m. Um, I was home sleeping?
WHAT TO DO AFTER A FUNERAL IN 1912
Get drunk and go watch women box for money, of course! You couldn’t just pop in a DVD for entertainment! Sage apparently also invented the lap dance, too–$100 to any man who could beat her–stuffed that Benjamin right in Damon’s pants! CLASSIFIEDS: Tall muscular red-headed vamp (in more ways than one) in a onesie seeking stick up the ass junior vampire for a good time–call me! Stef extolled the virtues of living without human blood, Mr. Damon Not Interested walked off. He decided to go “gambling” with Sage!
WAS THE 1912 SLASHER A WOMAN?
Speaking of Sage, when we last left The Grill, Rebekah remembered Sage from 900 or so years ago when she had a “thing” for Finn. Blech! Hey, Mystic Falls would never have suspected a woman of killing men back in the day!
DEFENSE AS AN OFFENSE
Elena ambushed Meredith in the hospital parking lot to defend Alaric. Make it quick, Meredith was due in surgery (as in, occupied for a few hours?!). Well, she didn’t actually defend him, he was innocent in Elena’s mind! She lives with him, he takes care of her, but did she really know him? Meredith laid it all out. (Geez, can we not have enough backstory this week?!) Ric was arrested for fighting 4 times before he was 21. His future wife, Isobel, took out 2 separate restraining orders on him, but then married him anyway (apparently a dumb move in Meredith‘s mind). Elena took pity on a borderline alcoholic vampire hunter and never thought to look any deeper. Nosey much, Meredith? Aren’t you glad she’s not checking YOU out on Match.com? Elena stood her ground and Meredith did an SMH. “You date vampires, Elena. It shouldn’t come as a shock to learn that your guardian is a murderer.” We suspect Elena is making an investigative plan!
TWO’S A PARTY, THREE’S A CROWD
Easy, there lushy pants-it’s Boy’s Night and you weren’t invited! Back at The Grill, Damon and Stefan ceremoniously dumped Bex, grabbed a bottle and TWO glasses, and tried to leave her questions behind by playing darts. A manly sport. The BULLSEYE was on Sage–if she was the killer back in 1912, who the hell’s doing it now–no way could psycho Dr. Fell stab 3 grown men. Bex was back (they just can’t shake her), Stefan was grumpy, and Damon was smirking–sexists can’t fathom a woman could kill with the right motivation! Bex told Stef he was a LOT more fun in the 20s, before the whole Master Cleanse self-righteous phase. Let’s read a passage from the 1912 journal Damon so conveniently brought with them to the bar! Bex decided Damon wasn’t much fun back then, either! He wasn’t having any fun at ALL, considering The Love of His Undead Life *cough cough* was stuck in a tomb and not getting out for a hundred years….(Oh, Lord, we’re gonna flash back–Let‘s do the timewarp again!)
MATT DONOVAN: PORTRAIT OF A NOVICE CRIMINAL
CRIMESTOPPERS: Matt Donovan and his accomplice Elena Gilbert were taken to the proverbial station this week on charges of breaking and entering–is petty theft far behind? Meredith caught them like DEER in the headlights searching her apartment–too bad that surgery didn’t have complications! All those damn Founders were closet hoarders! When’s the last time you rented an apartment with the stipulation there was a secret hidey-hole? We KNOW the rules from watching procedurals you can’t use evidence obtained illegally–EPIC FAIL! They found files on Brian Walters, Bill Forbes, and a real thick one on Alaric, complete with a mystery Gilbert Journal (those things breed like RABBITS!). Matt found a letter–wasn’t the M.E.’s time of death between 1 & 3 a.m.? The County Coroner said that was WRONG! Liz already had a letter correcting the time of death of Brian Walters. One that Meredith conveniently received, brought to Liz several hours before the break in, with apologies for accusing an innocent man (Ric). The fact that Matt found a copy of the same letter in the closet was moot, since they BROKE IN to get it! Liz released the two young offenders, and told them Ric would be released as soon as the letter was authenticated. Hmmmm.
MAKE ‘EM BEG
Over in the timewarp, Sage watched Damon feed off an unnamed lady-snack. How sad! He’s doing it all wrong! Not to rehash the promo too much, but Damon didn’t need a woman for pleasure–he was SPOKEN for! Ah, aren’t we all, in some way. Sage wanted to “show” him how to relish in the pleasure of being a vampire. Back to the boxing tent–okay, so it was 2 brutes this time. Ho-hum. Look at the crowd. Not the strumpets–they’re too hungry for attention (a ho is a ho, after all!). Watch the ones who button themselves up, who can’t tear their eyes away from the violence. THOSE are the women who secretly crave seduction, wanting it, begging for it–did we just see the birth of The Eye Thing? What if they don’t beg for it? He’s a vampire. Take it….swoon. With Sage’s prodding, Damon selected a “victim”.
TAP TAP TAPPING ON JONESES’ DOOR
While the sniping between Damon and Bex continued at the Grill, Stefan returned to the tap dancing (well, ring tapping) and was itching to leave. Not till you admit you’re Jonesing, Brother! I’m ready to eat the entire wait staff, okay!? Why do I have to say it? Damon was feeling a little self-righteous, too!
Stef stormed out of the Grill, with Bex and Damon tailing behind. Bex didn’t understand Stef feeling guilty about taking human blood–she liked him so much better in the 20s when he didn’t give a flip! Damon deemed him determined to live his life from one extreme to the other. Stubborn ASS! Let’s fix Stef (oh, these plans always backfire)! Shades of Season 1, Damon flirtatiously confronted a passing nameless blonde–you’re just so pretty–SCORE! You’re about to have a very, very bad night (well, that’s all in your point of view, wouldn’t you say? lol) Compel, eat, erase! Well, here was the hitch.
Yes, the smell of fresh 98.6 got Stef’s attention. Dinnertime! Damon tried the tough-love plan to get the MONKEY off Stef’s back since he couldn’t go cold TURKEY without blood. Just like Stefan tempting the transitioning Damon back in 1864, that stream of luscious plasma running down Nameless’ neck almost did the trick, but righteous Stefan held back. Up the ante! Drink or Rebekah can have her! Want to save an innocent life, Stef? Save her! Drink! I snatched you eat, I’ll erase–hell, Damon would even heal her for Stef after! Just do it! Afraid of The Rippah inside, even with Damon professing to stop him before he went too far, Stef continued to resist, but the minute Bex barred her fangs–it was all over but the swallowing! Damon excused Bex–nobody likes a lurker! And pried Stef off Nameless before he bled her dry. You wanna fight hunger or you wanna fight me! So Damon chomped his own wrist and started healing Nameless–who were those two shadowy figures in the background?
Why, it was Matty and Elena, fresh off their release from the police station. Oh, the Horror! With the evidence of Nameless running down Stef’s chin, he couldn’t very well deny he’d been feeding. Elena was AGHAST! (Well, duh, he IS a vampire, as everybody this week kept reminding her!) Damon tried to explain it away as a little experiment. Always The Rock, Matty just dragged Elena away from the scene of the crime. Stefan looked mortified. Damon tried to downplay the situation–soooooo, that’s gonna take a little time, hey wait! Stefan, Come back!
THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR
Editorial note: Some people *ahem* should always remain human for the betterment and safety of mankind. Just sayin. Matt escorted Elena home and made tea. So domestic and thoughtful. Time for a little heart-to-heart. In the beginning, after her ‘rents died, it felt safe being with Stefan. Safe! He’s a vampire! (told ya) It was like she knew Stef would never stop loving her, that he would never………..die (he was already dead). Like her parents did. And Damon? He just kinda got under her skin, and somehow she just can’t shake him. “Once you fall in love with someone, I don’t know if you can ever shake ‘em (speaking from experience, Matt?). *wink* Elena felt it was weird, talking about her Salvatoreo and love with him. No, not really. *wink wink* Matt diplomatically changed the subject. He got her something. Remember what we reported about petty theft being next on his rap sheet? When you’re the only normal one in a town full of vampires, it’s easy to become invisible *wink wink wink* (especially when Meredith and an idiot deputy were too busy questioning Elena to pay attention). Matt had lifted the Mystery Gilbert Journal out of the evidence and gave it to Elena–it’s her family’s, she should have it. Man, was this convo loaded with double meanings or WHAT?!
About this time, Ric arrived back home, exonerated from his crimes. Elena rushed into his arms (zoom in on the Gilbert ring). He was okay, but he was clearly troubled.
ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT
Damon arrived back at Stately Salvatore Manor, to find Stef brooding in front of the fireplace. He told Stef Sheriff Forbes let Ric go and was fresh out of suspects again–he’s in the clear! No reaction. Let’s get serious. It may not seem like it, but Damon told Stef he did really well holding off with Nameless. Hey, before you know it, he’ll be the King of Moderation! No reaction. Elena will understand! That got a reaction. It didn’t really matter what Elena thinks. None of that! No more No Humanity Stefan! We’re on the Road to
Perdition Recovery! Stef’s turn to agitate–why does Damon care? Why the bonding and getting Elena to hate you? Feel guilty about kissing her? Please! It was easier when Damon hated Stefan–is it so hard for Stefan to believe Damon’s trying to help him? “I don’t need your help.” Does he remember the last time he said that? Timewarp
Sage was in the ring again, with Damon attempting to pass on what he’d learned from her to Stefan, who still thought of the snacks as people. Apparently he’d forgotten how good it felt to drain somebody dry–that it was all worth it. So Damon passed along Sage’s pleasure wisdom, and even targeted a female “victim” for them. Let the past be the past! Have a drink with me, brother. (there’s that damn echo, echo, echo again!)
But outside, with their victim in Stefan’s arms, he got greedy. Ooh, the sound effects, ooh, the fangs, ooh, the gore, oops, the head! OMG what have I done! Damon was apparently unaware of Stefan’s appetite, and how it would end up! Off with her head! What did you DO to me?! You can stop. I can help you. “I don’t need your help!”
PINGBACK TO THE
Founder’s Council killer had nothing on Stefan. By the end of that decade they were calling him The Ripper of Monterrey (we’ve heard that tale before!). Damon let him walk away then, and didn’t do anything to stop him. He just didn’t want to then, but he wants to now. Damon vowed to be there every second, every day, to pull Stefan back from the edge until he doesn’t need him anymore. Why? ‘Cause right now, he’s all Damon’s got. *sniff*
JUICY FAMILY SECRETS
Sometime after Matty left, Elena was perusing The Mystery Gilbert Journal, and Ric interrupted her reading to tell her how grateful he was for everything she did to get him freed. He’s the one that’s supposed to be looking after her, and if he sucks at it…they agreed to take care of each other. Awwww! Deal. What’s she reading? Oh, just an old family journal. She finding any juicy family secrets? Hard to tell. At first she thought it had been Jonathan’s, but as it turns out, it was his grand-daughter Samantha’s. Apparently went just as cra-cra as he did. Good night! Happy reading! Dun, dun, dun.
Stefan apparently got busy rummaging through the family archives (what, do they have an entire Presidential Library full of this stuff? None of it’s on disk! Where are they hiding it?) from the early 1900s. He’s a speedreader, too! He’d killed Damon’s buzz, and NOW he wants to be helpful? Okay, better’n being mad at each other. They never arrested anybody for the 1912 murders, but they DID get a confession ten years later. Samantha Gilbert. They assumed she was crazy and locked her up in an asylum–she was a Founder, and they liked to look out for their own, so the trail ended there. Okay, that’s very weird. Damon could SWEAR he’d killed her before then! The plot thickens!
DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR LATE AT NIGHT
Ric DID answer the late-night knock at the door–and LET MEREDITH IN! What a fool! She shot him, she had him thrown in jail, and then she had him freed? She did it for him (yeah, right, and I’ve got swampland in Louisiana)–she forged the Coroner’s note to clear his name–they won’t look at him again. He had no reason, but she needed him to trust her! Well, we don’t! She just wanted to explain! Elena was upstairs, again reading Samantha’s journal, “I don’t feel like myself. I’m losing time, as though I’m going mad.”
So Stefan was working this out…Damon thinks Samantha’s still alive, running around MF killing Founders? Nope, if she was a vampire they’d know about it, right? She was a Gilbert, maybe she had a ring that brought her back to life? Those rings were passed on through the generations. Damon made sense–even if she had a ring, she wouldn’t be alive today, she’d be ancient! Stef thought out loud. Jonathan Gilbert only made two of those rings. Jeremy’s wearin one of them and the other one is…uh-oh.
Over at Explanation Central, Meredith had crime scene photos, and was explaining to Ric that the victims WERE killed with Ric’s weapons. It was a stake, not a vampire. Yeah, but Ric was attacked! With his OWN knife! A wound that coulda been self-inflicted (well, Jenna did it once). He would know if he was killing people, right? Ric got outraged and confused. Has he had any blackouts or instances of lost time (he DOES drink to excess, ya know?)? He told Meredith she was insane. No, but maybe YOU ARE. Ric wears a ring that lets him cheat death. How many times can he die before it changes him? Ric hadta sit down on that one. Meredith thought he was sick, and she wanted to help him. It happened before, almost a hundred years ago. Enter Elena. “Ric, I think she’s right.” Last timewarp of the night–replay of Zachariah’s death–at the hand of someone wearing a Gilbert Ring–zoom to the killer’s face, and it’s Samantha!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Though the squirrel imitation was priceless, this week’s Woobie Word of the Week winner is………..LUSHY-PANTS!
NOTE TO READERS: Okay, so last time we proposed an Emmy for multiple deaths in one episode by Ric–is it changing him? Is that the whole point in his endless dying and coming back ad infinitum? Did anybody miss Bonnie, Caroline, all but one of The Originals, Tyler, Jeremy, Abby–who’d I leave out? Is this the first episode in like, a hundred years when the word “Klaus” didn’t escape anybody’s lips? Do you believe Ric’s the Slasher? And don’t tell us your mind didn’t go straight into fanfic land when you saw that promo with the threesome, fess up! Tell us, we’re DYING to hear from you!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!