Mystic Falls Messenger
The Devil’s Mama Wears Prada! The Slasher attacks take a back seat to an atmosphere that simply reeks with class! We’re puttin’ on our top hats, tyin’ up our black ties, brushin’ off our tails! We’re leaving out the “Ball” jokes–just too, too obvious!
Editor’s note: So many pretty people to pick from! Thanks to Ruthie, we get to see them all!
HISTORY TEACHER HOSPITALIZED
Alaric Saltzman spent the night in the hospital after his latest brush with death. Elena Gilbert and Matt Donovan, his rescuers, were overheard in the corridor having a boring convo regarding the health and welfare of their friends and the serious lack of suspects in The Slasher case.
Was our reporter the only one eavesdropping on this discussion? NO! A shadowy figure, described as maybe tall, possibly wearing a hoodie, was also listening and peeping out through the blinds of a darkened office. Call CRIMESTOPPERS if you‘ve seen this person of interest!
Our rescue rangers parted in the parking lot (Matty, you REALLY need some WD-40 on those truck door hinges!), with Matt only worried about showing up for his shift at The Grill. Elena neglectfully did not check the back seat of her vehicle–nor the rearview mirror, before she backed out–THUMP!
Bex the Speedbump. Bared fangs and ready to take a bite outa crime, Bex was stopped mid-revenge by her brother, Elijah. She refused to challenge him; just pronounced both he and Elena “pa-the-tick” and left. Elijah turned on the charm, wanting to play catch-up with Elena!
E-VITES ARE SO GAUCHE!
Mystic Falls socialites climbed two giant rungs up the ladder this week, with everybody scrambling for a hand-delivered, inscribed, hand-personalized invitation to The Social Event of the Year! Elena filled in Damon and Stefan on her little convo with Elijah–Mom, Original Witch Esther, was in Coffin #4, not some Klaus-killing weapon. Hmmm.
The Gilbert Kitchen was the scene for this analysis. They speculated she musta had connections in the witch community, or she’d be one of The Heartless Dead now. Elijah had related she wants to live in peace with her family, including Klaus. Well dammitall, that coffin was supposed to be the only thing stopping Klaus from tearing everybody to shreds! Anyone else feeling a little used right now? Not that he has the power to do so, but Elijah promised Elena his family wouldn’t hurt any of “us,” and she believed him. Ding dong! Avon calling. Mystery messenger with our first invite to The Party on the doorstep!
PLEASE JOIN THE MIKAELSON FAMILY THIS EVENING AT SEVEN O’CLOCK FOR DANCING, COCKTAILS, & CELEBRATION.
Stef asked who the hell the Mikaelson’s were (duh…Mikael….son…double-duh. Stef. Google Patronymic Surnames). Not bad enough they’re ruining the neighborhood, now they want a housewarming gift? Registry at Crate & Barrel (or Coffin and Cask, take your pick).
On the flip side of the invite: Elena, I think it’s time we finally meet. Esther. Nice penmanship!
Damon made up his mind that Elena’s plan to meet with Esther was dumber than a box of rocks. Always leading the opposition, Stef sided with Elena. This is more than some family reunion, elsewise why was Bonnie led to open that coffin?
Damon wanted to go back to The Old Stefan who cared if Elena lived or died–oops, that’s your job now, D. Let’s fight over the invitation! Elena can’t “protect herself”, Stef volunteered to go instead–yea, Damon reminded him he’d pissed off enough Originals to last a lifetime. “I’LL go.” Snatch! End of story. (famous last words)
Stylists descended en masse at Fortress Klaus in preparation for The Big Party. Nails, hair, tux fittings . Would Rachel Zoe do the Mikaelson’s in “vintage”? Kol and Rebekah played Bonfire of the Vanities, until Klaus came in raving at Bex for going after Elena. He could arrange for her last accessory to be a dagger–Kol was B.O.R.E.D. with that trick.
Just like siblings squabbling. Mom had to break up the bickering just before they “took it outside“ [Mom, beige doesn’t look good against your PALLOR, just sayin]. Forget dog-whispering. Klaus heeled on command! Niklaus, COME! But Ma, Bex wasn’t out of her box for A DAY before she tried to ruin my life (um, Klaus, technically you’re dead).
The Devil’s Mama had to explain to him about giving it some time (wash your feet before you make them kiss ‘em); she’d had a thousand years to get over it! Wait. He killed her and she forgives him? Forgiveness is not a chore, it’s a gift. Let’s get to the good stuff! Who’s your date? It’s going to be a “magical” *cough cough* evening!
NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE A VOICEMAIL
Our illegal wiretap caught Caroline receiving a voicemail at home from Tyler. “Caroline. It’s Tyler. I know I shoulda called sooner, I just kinda freaked out and left. But I heard about your dad and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Caroline. I’m out doing what he said. I’m gonna fix myself and come home to you. I love you.” What?! No chocolate-covered doggy biscuit? No candy hearts-ripped-outa-somebody’s chest? It’s almost Valentine’s Day in real-time, Tyler. Get with the program!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Box. Box who? Box O Trojans, if I get lucky! Caroline’s fancy invitation arrived on her doorstep stuck in a dress box. Ooh! Goodies! On the back of her invite: “Save me a dance. Fondly, Klaus.” She wasn’t impressed. Much. Ooh, look at that dress! Slam the lid shut!
THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
APPETIZER: Open with Caroline and Elena nibbling on twisted Cinderella fetish, sprinkled with a little if the Salvatores don‘t know I’m going it won‘t hurt them. Drizzle with a drama-free bodyguard? Or try the optional Pick-a-Salvatore. They’d look better in a tux. (way to go, Barbie!) However, since Stef’s channeling Klaus-hate, and Damon is……no, Elena wasn’t taking the optional. Why?
SALAD: Caroline had the suck face and LAST to know accusation, via the witch-grapevine. Car knew when Elena first kissed Matty before they came up for air! Elena opted for the lame-ass wilted Dad excuse for not telling her, coupled with a side of not sure how she feels about it yet. Food choices used to be so much easier!
MAIN COURSE: Blackened Bex with a back-stabbing barb! Skip the order of no eating the locals–Get over yourself, it’s not all about you, Elena! Bex had busboy on her mind!
DESSERT: The pièce de résistance on the menu was a personally delivered Party invite to Matty. Sadie Hawkins, this is the way it’s done! And got a rise out of Caroline and Elena doing it! Okay, they’re BOTH going!
The grand gala of the season was held at Fortress Klaus, complete will full-on orchestra and WAY more guests than were in our last census. All dressed to the nines (and tens, and elevens, ad infinitum)!
Mayor Carol Lockwood was in attendance to welcome the oldest, deadliest family in town…with a smile. Said fellow council-member Damon: “Well, at least you know who you’re borrowing that cup of sugar from!”
The only point of the convo was for Kol to walk up, introduce himself to the Mayor, and utterly dis Damon and ignore his extended hand. Rude!
M’Lady Elena Gilbert arrived, bedecked like Cinderella. If Damon had breath it would have been taken away. He roused and started over to her, but Stef got there first. Raspberry! Beatcha-what are you doing here-I could ask you the same thing-surprise, surprise, nice tux. Boys, boys! Elena was NOT leaving until she talked to Esther. So, shall we? Salvatoreo! Can we dip it in champagne?
Caroline was at home fighting with her closet, with The Box lurking on her bed. She caved to the pressure of designer duds and showed up at The Gala in The Dress. It was Klaus’ turn to lose his breath, and light up with “Good evening!” Car’s response? “I need a drink!” Bwahaaa! He obviously thought she was playing hard to get!
Finn introduced himself to Elena only to warn her to ditch the “friends“ if she wanted to get bad Mamma-jamma time! At this point, Elijah made a formal welcoming speech and explained the tradition for them to commence the evening with a dance. Tonight’s pick: a centuries old waltz.
By whose standards, Elijah *wink wink*? As the crowd retired to the ballroom (damn, this IS a big house!) Damon, Stefan, and Elena all spied Mom on the stairs. Damon and Elena heatedly discussed her walk into a lion’s den–he gonna stop her? Yes. Truce. It would be rude not to dance, you know.
Sneaking in with our Press Pass, we heard the opening strains of pre-Pandora orchestral music (wait, maybe it was the Original Pandora lol!) Damon told Elena she looked stunning, if it wasn’t obvious. What, this old thing? She ran over to Rethreads this afternoon and picked it off the rack (prêt-à-porter).
DANGEROUS LIAISONS MINUET
Headcount! Damon and Elena (tense). Klaus and Caroline (he‘s smitten, she‘s bored). Matt and Rebekah (awkward). Klaus tried to make small talk about Mr. Forbes’ passing–Strike One! Okay, he tried talk about how ravishing Caroline looked in that dress. She didn’t have time to go shopping–Strike Two! Well, what was her excuse for wearing the bracelet he gave her? (so smug–Ball One)
She’s quite the dancer. Well, she had training, Miss Mystic Falls and all. He knew. Swing and a miss! During this snappy repartee, Elena spun right around into Stef’s arms (who got dragged on the dance floor by Mayor Lockwood…awkward!)!
During the “change partners”, Caroline ended up with Matt. Where is the Ken-doll when you need him?! They fought about their respective “dates” (she-devil and Mad Max). Meanwhile, Stef told Elena that Damon needed to figure out she can look out for herself. Elena wanted to take the convo outside (Damon‘s ears are REEEEally good).
Damon ended up partnered with Bex (foreshadowing?). He was so busy teasing her about watching Caroline and Matt he didn’t notice Elena and Stef leave. Rebekah got all ‘Of course that heifer looks beautiful, Nick gave her everything’s she’s wearing!’ Well, she didn’t look bad herself. But that’s NOT a compliment–since she tried to kill Elena the night before. Where is Elena, btw?
Outside, Stef and Elena made the first REAL Dangerous Liaison. Elena decided if Esther’s secretly on their side, they need to know, but she can’t get to her with two bodyguards. And this Stef’s my problem because…? Because Damon won’t let her anywhere near Esther without protection. Full Body Condom! Stef’s prime mission in unlife is still killing Klaus but Elena always gets her way! She wheedled Stef into making sure she could get into that room with Esther. Alone. You know what? When they were together Stefan USED to let her make her own decisions. He trusted her. After all this, at least that hasn’t changed. Stef stared at the ground while Elena went back inside.
Kol and Rebekah chit-chatted back inside about her “date“ dancing with his ex. Ooh, settling for mortals is the first sign of weakness! Nope. Bex gon’ kill him. Matt is Elena’s friend–if he dies, she suffers. Since Bex got a hand-slap already, she begged Kol to help Baby Sista out (so Bex is younger than Kol). Spit right in the face of Mother’s rules? He’s in! Don’t you just know he dipped pigtails in ink wells, short-sheeted the beds, and peed in the pool!
Elena texted Damon to meet her in where, the Library? Whattup? And WHAM came Stefan and WHAT? Snapped Damon’s neck!? Asshat! Better hurry up. He won’t be down for long. Meaningful looks exchanged. Elena hustled butt outa there.
Another Dangerous Liaison (we lost count). Elijah cornered Elena in the hallway to discuss his misgivings about Esther‘s ability to forgive Klaus after everything he’s done. Elijah finds himself asking questions he never thought he’d ask. He wanted Elena to tell him what Esther has in mind. Of course she will (lol)! Check ya later, dude!
ESTHER’S WORLD OF WITCHCRAFT
In Esther’s witch study, Finn unsheathed yet another dagger. Mama burned incense (sage). Knock, knock. Who’s there? The girl. The girl who? The girl who’s gonna eff things up again! You’re alone! Wise choice! Mama explained to Elena she really wasn’t smoking weed, she spelled the sage so they could speak freely without fear of being overhead (except by our nosy reporter). Finn was excused like a used-tool servant (which he is).
Let’s play 20 (million) questions! How are you alive? Are you a ghost? Not exactly. When Esther died, the witch Ayanna preserved her body with a spell. A close friend and ancestor of Bonnie. So that’s why only Bonnie and her mother could open up the casket–they completed The Bennett bloodline. [Our research staff wants to know–which came first, the chicken or the egg? The witch or the Original Witch, if they’re not related? And how’d they get ethnic?] ANYWAY! Esther drew power from them, and their ancestors who were with her on The Other Side for a thousand years. Nature’s way of punishing her for turning her family into vampires. But! (there’s always a butt in these stories) There’s a way for Esther to undo the evil she created. Ooh, goodie! Esther’s gonna help the Scoobie Gang kill Klaus, right? One thing at a time, Elena. For now, she simply needed Elena’s help. (We smell a human bloodbag reference coming on!)
FOR A GOOD TIME, TAKE YOUR DATE OUTSIDE
Why in hell was Caroline outside admiring Klaus’ golden pumpkin carriage, and weren’t the mice-horses white in the fairy tale? They hadta keep the Cinderella references going. Klaus (and our roving reporter) followed her–she likes horses? She wasn’t talking till he told her why he invited her. “I fancy you.” [We know several hearts went pit-a-pat hearing that line! We predict a ringtone forthcoming.]
So hard to believe? Beautiful, strong, full of light; he enjoys her. Too bad, so sad, she’s spoken for. By Tyler. Klaus thought they were kaputsky, and Car got all pissy about the freaky sire-bond thing. Klaus waxed poetic about horses being the opposite of people. They’re loyal. Explained Mikael hunted him for ages, and the closest he ever got was the day he killed Klaus’ favorite horse. Severed it’s neck with a sword as a warning. [Did Klaus wake up with a horse head in his bed? I though we were done with ‘The Godfather’ references–the mafia sit-down was last week, and with the caskets popped Vito Salvatore can no longer threaten ‘Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.’]
Car asked if he ever considered sitting down with his dad and talking it out? Klaus told her their relationship was a teensy more complicated than Car and Bill’s. Maybe, but she let Bill go with no regrets. And to answer Klaus’ question, yes, she likes horses. But she also likes people and they actually like her, so tah-tah. And with that she turned her back on him and flounced off. You tell him, Barbie!
WARPED BIRTH CONTROL
Witch Study. We heard more backstory from Esther that we already knew (upset balance of nature, protection from werewolves, bloodthirsty for humans, no remorse, yadayadayada), all the while she was busy pouring a glass of “something”. Elena was more interested in the “how to kill Klaus”, since he’s immortal. Time, magic, and Elena’s assistance. (BAM! Human bloodbag reference.) The Ball is not a reunion, it’s a ritual gathering!
Step One required just a drop of blood from The Doppelganger. It’s essence will be in the champagne toast later on this evening. [Ewww! Could we have water, please? We just got allergic to alcohol!] Elena removed a glove, Esther pricked her finger and dribbled the blood in the glass.
Trusting little soul, huh? She coulda drawn back a nub! Mama knows her kids–she was afraid suspicious Elijah might need more persuasion. But they must all drink the toast in order to be linked as one. What do you mean linked as one? It’s the Three Musketeers Drinking Game! All for one, one for all (have you read our previous editions?)!
Klaus himself can’t be killed, but tonight’s spell links All My Children [shoutout, next week’s epi title!] together so that if one goes, they all go. Fuckery! How many times have you heard a mother say this. “I love my family but they are an abomination.” Esther betrayed nature when she created them, so now it’s her duty to kill them. Holy Matricide, Batman! Seriously late-term abortions all around!
Back at the Party, Kol cornered Rebekah, itching to kill something! She got sidetracked–but planned to meet outside in 15 with Victim Matt in tow. What’s wrong with right here on the stairs? Make a spectacle of it! Don’t be an idiot, Kol. Mother would kill you if you got blood on the new marble! See you outside.
Damon’s neck came around, and so did he. Stef had been watching over him–trademark wall slam! We haven’t gotten a good one of those in a while! (just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins! The best is yet to come!) Where the hell is Elena! These two fight SO GOOD! Hey, it was HER idea, right down to the broken neck. Ouch! Maybe Damon should stop being such a controlling dick–“Oh, I’m the problem here?”
Tableturn! You’re a liability, brother (like Stef used to be). Damon’s trying to keep her alive. Well, his emotions are getting in the way of the plan. “MY emotions! How is this even HAPPENING right now?” Maybe he cares too damn much. Slap! Snarl!
Rebekah lured Matt out to the parking lot for some “air” and insulted his truck. Hey, he thought this was a denim and diamonds affair! He offered her his letter jacket, since it went so well with her designer duds! Bex explained vampires don’t get cold. They exchanged a look, and you could tell Bex was waffling on her plan. She wanted to go back inside; enough with the fresh air. Matt followed her skeptically. Kol was ready for playtime. Curses, foiled again!
WHO’S SWAVE AND DEBONER?
Free from the Witch Study, Elena was back out in the festivities. Debonair Elijah suaved his way up to ask how his mother was? Intense. He inquired about the private convo (while retrieving flutes of *ahem* champagne from a passing servant). Mom came down the stairs and the gals made eye contact. Elena. Should Elijah be concerned about his mother’s intentions? And she LIED through her freaking teeth! Esther just wanted to apologize for trying to have Elena killed. Elijah was semi-overjoyed. So it’s true, then. She’s forgiven Klaus! Yippee! It’s true.
From her perch on the stairs, Mama made her Big Toast. “Waiters are coming around with champagne. I invite you all to join me in raising a glass. It provides me with no greater joy than to see my family back together as one. (well chosen words). I’d like to thank you all for being part of this spectacular evening. Cheers!” Kol drank, Rebekah drank, Finn Drank, Klaus drank. Elijah clinked glasses with Elena and put it to his lips, but did he swallow? Yup. Looked like it!
GALLERY OPENING AT FORTRESS KLAUS
Klaus took Caroline to show her his “etchings”. lol Still being smart-mouth, looking at all the priceless paintings, Caroline suggested “the curators at the Louvre aren’t on vervain?“ So where did Klaus steal The Bracelet from? A long story, but it was worn by another princess, almost as beautiful as Caroline. (Klaus seriously needs some new pickup lines).
Caroline saw some of Klaus’ line drawings lying around. This gave him an opportunity to brag about one of his landscapes hanging in The Hermitage, and oh, had Car been? Wistfully, Miss Mystic Falls has never really been anywhere. Jump on that! “I’ll take you. Anywhere you want. Rome, Paris, Tokyo (he’s trying SO damn hard!).” Caroline giggled. Wow. He was sellin, but she wasn’t buying!
Must be really nice for Klaus to just SNAP his fingers and get whatever he wants. Collect a little servant hybrid army to take him places and bring him things. Klaus started to get testy, but Car was on a roll. And why did he need Tyler? Give him his life back! Stick a fork in him, Klaus was done at this point.
It was a fun evening, but time for Car to leave. One more, Car! One more! She got it. His father didn’t love him, so he assumes no one else will, either. That’s why he compels people, or sires them, or else TRIES TO BUY THEM OFF (ripped off the bracelet and threw it on the floor), but that’s not how it works. “You don’t connect with people because you don’t even try to understand them.” Oh, SNAP! She coulda just kicked him in the Family Jewels!
CAUGHT AND BOTHERED
Kol caught up with Bex back inside. What happened to playtime? It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, and Bex didn’t wanna ruin Mother’s night. Kol accused Bex of going soft for 5 seconds of Matt’s attention. Don’t be so predictable! Don’t be rude! Bex ORDERED Kol to leave Matty alone. Wave the red flag in front of the bull, anyone?
Damon caught up to Elena. Well, Miss Priss, did you get what you wanted? That earned him a haughty yes reply. Good, cause we’re leaving. Scuffle. Elena told Damon she was sorry she had to cut him out of the plan. Damon was steamed. Elena shouldn’t have been there in the first place! She didn’t like going behind his back.
That was NOT helping! She pushed ALL the wrong buttons! She asked Stefan to help so Damon wouldn’t play The Hero and ruin everything! Well ExQUEEZE me for trying to keep you alive! Damon thinks Stefan clearly Stefan doesn’t give a crap anymore. Let’s eavesdrop!
Elena: Now you’re mad at me for including Stefan?
Damon: No, I’m mad at you because I love you.
Elena: Well maybe that’s the problem. [OUCH!] Wait, that’s not what I meant.
Damon: No, I got it Elena. I care too much. I’m a liability. [switch flip!] How ironic is that?
Don’t interrupt, Caroline! Have you guys seen Matt?
THE VIEW IS SO MUCH NICER FROM THE BALCONY
Well, Matt was upstairs walking the mezzanine, when he heard someone call to him. He went out on the balcony to see what it was. Kol wanted his playtime! Feigning introductions as Rebekah’s brother, Kol accepted Matty’s handshake. Don’t crush the throwing hand!
He’s the quarterback! Dun, dun, dun! Damon to the rescue! Ooh, shoved Kol off the second floor balcony and jumped down on top of him with a deathgrip head snap! Stef came running out (followed by Finn, Rebekah, Elijah, Klaus, and Elena). Damon, are you effin crazy? Maybe a little.
Damon locked eyes with Elena. Far be it from HIM to cause a problem. That was Season 1 BADASS Damon that sneered, adjusted his junk, turned, and sauntered into the dark! We’re surprised he didn’t spit just for dramatic effect ! That was so good we didn‘t even notice the David Beckham underwear advert right after!
POST PARTY CLEAN-UP
Well, Caroline made it home, and immediately left Tyler a return voicemail. “Tyler, it’s me. Look, I’m grateful for what you’re doing, but, I miss you, and I really wish you were here.” (otherwise I might end up sleeping with yet another bad boy problem child).
And in the mirror she spied ANOTHER mystery gift in a velvet box with a cream-colored bow on her bed. Seriously, just give UP already! She opened it, and it was a drawing. Her and a horse. Signed, “Thank you for your honesty. Klaus.” He’s wearin her down!
Esther stormed back into the witch study, pissed. I said NO VIOLENCE! She ranted to Elijah about Bex and Kol being a disgrace to the family. Elijah won’t let it happen again, Mom. He‘s got this! Ah, thanks, son. Esther wished the others were more like him. (not really) Elijah left just as Finn came in.
He conspiratorially closed the door, and asked if they could still “speak freely” (as in, is the sage still working)? Esther sat down and pulled out a piece of parchment to “doodle” on while they talked. She’s not having second thoughts. It’s just Elijah being so moral. Finn told her she was doing the right thing. Mama once again explained she was binding them all together as one. Finn understood. When it’s time, he will be ready to die. I’m Spartacus! Well all righty then! Let’s complete the link. Gimme your hand, Finn, Mama wanna cut you and drizzle your blood on her doodling!
And as he bled over the words, hey, wait! It was the same names written on the Lockwood Cave wall! Anyway, Esther started Bonnie mumbling, and the blood wove it’s way up and across each of the Mikaelson sibling’s names, until it made a freaky tree! I solemnly swear I am up to no good! Poof! The link was complete, they’re one, and the parchment was about to set off the sprinkler system!
PORCH OF TRUTH
Strange things ALWAYS happen here! Stef drove Elena home since Damon took a powder. She’d told him Esther’s plan to kill the whole family. How’s that for Mother of the Year? She bemoaned having to look Elijah right in the eye and lie to him about it. And she wailed about signing their death sentences! Stefan wasn’t sorry to see ANY of them go. Klaus is the point–the rest are collateral damage. That simple. The Original family has brought Elena nothing but darkness.
The silence got awkward. So, um, Stef asked where’s Damon? Elena said she’d call and let him know she got home safely. [I’d leave a voicemail, if I were you, Elena! Lol] Damon went after Kol being all self-destructive. She said something to him she didn’t mean. Stef admitted, “so did I.”
Stef turned to leave and Elena stopped him on the Porch. Let’s talk about the baby elephant on the Porch. Did you really not feel anything, Stef? Played dumb. When? How does he do that? Elena wants to know how he acts like he doesn’t feel anything, because she CAN’T! She FEELS! EVERYTHING! He wanted her to stop.
But she’s not gonna, Stef, because she doesn’t believe you feel nothing. Here comes the emo! Stef doesn’t WANT to be this person, but he hurt her, he bit her, and he hates himself for what he did to her. Feeling the chink in his armor, Elena grabbed his face and dared him to show it–do SOMETHING! He can’t convince her he doesn’t care! He can’t.
Stefan grabbed her hands and pulled them away. “If I let myself care, all I feel is pain.” He walked away and Elena looked forlorn. Are we goin there again? To quote the ACTUAL movie ‘Dangerous Liaisons’: You’ll find the shame is like the pain, you only feel it once.
MYSTIC GRILL OPEN 24/7
Matt nursed his wounded hand with a cup of joe at the bar sans jacket and tie. And heeeeeeeere’s Rebekah! He was drowning his sorrows about not having health insurance in caffeine! She offered to buy him an apology drink. This family seriously needs some pickup lessons! Matty got pretty blunt about her just leaving him alone. She was a swell pretty date and all, but he REALLY needs her to leave him alone.
Enter Drunken, Eavesdropping Damon, swilling from an empty litre of booze. Ooh burn! Rejected by the Captain of the football team! Bex told him to SHUT UP! Welcome to adolescence. She knew she shoulda killed Matt but Mom wouldn’t let her. Thas wha happens when ya let peeps tell ya what ta do. Damon grabbed another bottle, poured them two shots, sat one in front of Bex–bottoms up! He reminded her that besides, she woulda broke him in a second. Is he suggesting Bex can’t be gentle? “I just think you should pick someone a little more durable, that’s all.” Bex gave him the eye. And who would that be? Damon gave her the eye right back. LOOK OUT! IT’S ON!
AFTER HOURS (& BEHIND CLOSED DOORS) PARTY!
[WARNING: This section for mature audiences only!] Up against the wall redneck mother! Whoa! We think we wore a hole in our DVD rewatchin this scene! It was like a replay of the Damon and Katherine almost sex makeout scene, only without the blueballs! Damon and Bex were BOTH seriously into it! Tongue-to-tongue tonsillectomy! Shed the coat, buttons popping off in all directions, fang-to-fang, suck face (neck, back, assorted body parts) up against the wall, vampspeed flip around (I’m in charge here you hussy!)! Bex with SERIOUS “O” face–screw the designer duds, RRRRRRIIIIIPPPPPP! Hey, he hasn’t had any since……ANDIE! O.M.F.G.!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Pant! Pant! He was used, pissed off, and stunning this week, but just because of that scene alone, this week’s Woobie Word of the Week is: [drum roll please] ……………………………………….DURABLE!
NOTE TO READERS: We wrote this consuming many ‘Cinderella Complexes’–1 part champagne, 1 part Red Bull, and listening to Marilyn Manson sing “The Beautiful People”. lol Sorely missed this week were Bonnie, Tyler, Liz, Alaric, Meredith, and yes, even Jeremy! We’re only throwing two questions out there this week. Did Alaric’s hospital overnight observation include a Dr. Meredith sponge bath? Did they suck the alcohol out of the prep pads? Hit the comments! Hit the wall! Hit on your enemy! ROFL!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!