Mystic Falls Messenger
Mystic Falls High Seniors get PUNK’D on their own Senior Prank Night! Take a Fast and Furious ride on the Magical Mystic Tour that happened this! We “Reckon” you need CPR!
Editor’s note: The school yearbook staff voted Ruthie Queen of the Screencaps. Awesome Kudos!
Matt Donovan was spotted this week hitting the P90Xâ in attempt to bulk up for future shirtlessness. Without a coach at MF High, the boy is in need of instruction–no shirt, SOCKS with those shoes, and lose the rapper shorts and hoodie! We give the sweat level a “10”, but stop coverin up the goods! Pecs and abs, boy! BTW, was there a ghost in the machine, Matty?
PETTY LITTLE LARCENY IN THE BURG–An epidemic of thefts were reported this week all over town. Hundreds of mousetraps, a vat of Superglue, a truckload of Saran Wrap, every urine specimen cup in the hospital, and would you believe all of the toilet paper in the county? The loot was discovered at the high school, along with copious amounts of spent plasma, stolen smartphones, car keys, stakes of various materials, and did we mention, bodies? CSI: Mystic Falls!
Caroline Forbes was in organizational mode MAKING MEMORIES for our own Senior Class with the loot. Um, don’t they have enough permanent nightmares already? The games included Mousetrap, GetGlue, Shrinkwrap the Toilets, TP the Pool, and Specimen Cup Sock Hop (Ewww! Are they used? Messy!). Couldn’t they have just run Alaric’s tighty whities up the flagpole and left it at that?
The juvenile delinquents made a huge B horror-flick mistake. DON’T SPLIT UP! The oldest Senior prankster (did I say mad?) of all time, Klaus, nabbed our heroine, Elena. NOs!
Party In His Pants Tyler and Caroline split to the hall for adult games. He wanted to get it on, but Car was havin a Not Tonight I have a Matty Headache. In a shrewd move, Ty took it like a man and got all sensitive about Matty’s struggling. Needs a friend. And how he LUVS how big her heart is. SMAK! Tongue wars! Car just wants this school year to be epic (be careful what you wish for). More kissing. Good one, Tyler!
Klaus hauled Elena into the gymnasium for games of his own. Busted Is The New Compelled, Concentration, Clue, and who knew he moonlighted (lol) as a Holiday Inn Hypnotist? Party’s over–head on home now, kiddies. Oh, everybody except Chad and Dana (yes, the famed NotNowDana). Dana (you remember Klaus, oh, wait, he was Kalaric at the time) stand on one leg or get beat to death. Fun!
SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD–A hot red Porsche was clocked speeding aimlessly to nowhere. Or to the nearest truck stop for some greasy semi jockey. Damon was at the wheel, with Kat ridin shotgun. She unloaded both barrels sniping about Ha-Ha-Hot For Elena and going all seductress. Bored with the game, Damon played Tongue Twister (SWERVE!) but truth is, he’s just not that into you anymore, Kat! Smirk! I need a potty stop!
REST STOP! Tired of the sexual tension and Kat’s game, Damon played pitch the keys and spill your guts. Never one to show all her cards, Kat pulled out The Jewel of the Vile. Damon should remember–she showed it to him last week! She SAID she stole it for leverage because Klaus wanted it. Damon, are you in for the long haul? Then let’s play TRUNK MONKEY! ‘Cause this ain’t gonna win friends and influence people! Hello, Jeremy!
DESPERATE AND LYING. OR DRUNK. OR A DESPERATE LYING DRUNK: DWI in progress! Was Kat’s next game Scrabble? Pearl (oh, yes, Damon vividly remembered her French manicure in his eyeballs) “hinted” centuries ago Klaus could be not just daggerdead but deaddead. No deets from the dead; Pearl needed leverage. BUT! She told Also Dead Anna. *singing* “Which brings us back to doe, a deer, a female“…
No, ME, TRUNK MONKEY! I see dead people!
CELL PHONE MANIA! The cell phone learning curve took a sharp upturn this week, as the living, the limboed, the dead, the undead, and the temporarily dead, swapped texts and stole phones from each other. Mystic Falls would be totally annihilated if they lost signal! Kat was a total [nymphomaniac] kleptomaniac, stealing both Jer’s and Damon’s phones from somewhere in their jeans (oh, yeah, sweeeet!). FOCUS! Kat teased Jer with Bonnie’s desperate “Where R U?” text, trying to get him to call up (haha) Anna. (Cue apparition) Who WON’T help *ahem* THOSE two–she don’t likey them!
WE INTERRUPT THIS RECAP FOR THE ONLY RECIPE OF THE WEEK: If you wanna make an omelet you have to break a few legs. Bad pun, Katherine! Damon face planted Jer and suspected Anna could hear him . Spill, bitch! (She‘s not DEAF, she‘s DEAD, you didn‘t need to hollah.) After some lost in translation, Anna gave up Mikael, the vampire who hunts vampires. Huh? Don’t wake him up! He’s ugly after a nap! New gameplan–time to find the keys!
Keys in hand, Damon and Jer had a hilarious exchange [Don’t fall asleep Jer, you might have a concussion. Thanks for the concern, Dick]. Ah, Kat had Damon’s phone this time, complete with Bonnie been texts about Klaus. Too bad, so sad, Kat, Damon wasn’t in for the long haul after all. Damon car-swapped to go SAVE ELENA and ordered Jer to stay with Kat so Anna could ride shotgun this time. Wouldn’t turning into a crow and FLYING back to Mystic Falls have been REALLY convenient right about then? Not wanting to be left alone with the teeny-boppers, Kat accused Damon of a stupid death wish she didn‘t remember him having. The Woobie wouldn’t have done it for her. Ouch!
This week’s subject is Bratty Bex the Bitch. Jealousy got the best of her this week (several times) concerning Stef and his undead love for Elena. Examples: Staked Stef at the Portable U-Stor-It for playing dumb about the not-dead doppelganger. Klaus “ripping that cow’s bloody head off“ followed by 1001 Uses for a Crowbar are NOT becoming to a woman your age, Bex! Can we report Stef’s belly piercings are becoming legend!
Another example: Bex unceremoniously interrupted Car and Ty’s adorable hall make-out (who the eff are you, biotch?) and promptly throttled both of them! Off to GYMNASTY-ICKS for a lesson in How To Make a Hybrid (Hi, I’m Klaus. Eat my wrist. Neck snap!).
After some Dis The Doppelganger, Bex was back to the Hall with deadish Tyler in tow, raiding Car’s cellphone–OMG! What WAS that pic of Stef & Elena and IS THAT MY NECKLACE?
THE HAUNTING OF MATT DONOVAN
All Matt’s other friends are paranormal–he wanted to be, too! Ghostly swooshing outside the weight room. Heartfelt TP’ing of the pool with Bonnie, where they exchanged “I‘m so glad your clued in now“ but wasn‘t it easier when we were all normal? Um, musta been a prequel–none of these kids were EVER normal.Apparently Bonnie was a better lifeguard in training than Matt was, hence the useful CPR comment. Matty went for more TP supplies, but a conveniently creepy stall door opens (DON‘T SPLIT UP!). RIP Vicki Donovan (should been a phone number, too, they ALL have cellphones this week)! More haunting to come!
Thoroughly creeped out, Bonnie and Matt stumbled into the Worst Gym Since Carrie’s Prom. Klaus let Dana relax (she‘s been on one foot for DAYS!) whilst he accused Bon of causing his dilemma–fix it or else! Better hurry! Ty’s dying!
Stef unstaked (uncrowbarred?) himself in the parking lot and stumbled into GYMNASTY-ICKS with the rest of the party pranksters. Alpha Klaus started barking orders (Bwahaaa! Barking!): Bon fetch (dog joke!) the grimoire and whatever other enchantments you need, he’s safekeeping Elena in the meantime.
Stef interrupted Klaus’ tirade to beg forgiveness and take the Boy Scout pledge of loyalty. Since Stef’s turned out to be such a BIG LIAR, Klaus wanted drink on it. Start with them (Chad and Dana). Elena pleaded for their lives and got backhanded by Klaus for her efforts. WHICH, of course, caused Stef to go for Klaus, ending in a throat-lock (wall was too far away for a trademark wallslam). Since all Klaus wanted was Stef’s allegiance, he decided to TAKE it. In the Klaus version of Concentration Compulsion, the rules are: Now kill them, Rippah. Now, Dana! Buh-bye Dana.
Stef finished off a game of Clue with Chad. Colonel Mustard in the Gymnasium with the Canines. As in teeth, that is. Bex the Biotch ranted in again. Where is MY necklace. See this pic on this stolen iPhone? Uh-oh. More lies. Elena fingered Kat for stealing The Jewel (AGAIN) and got in another catfight with Bex.. Klaus barked to break it up, bitches!
Woulda been easier for Bon if they had The Jewel, but we are doing ATE the Hard Way. Put a clock on it! Bonnie got 20 minutes or Elena would be a Steffy Snack. You know you want to, Stef! Klaus took off [to pee on a hydrant] and ordered Bex to fracture Elena’s spine if she tried to run.
SWIM PRACTICE TAKES A DIVE
Bon and Matt party-jumped to make Plan D–What ARE they gonna do? Matt thought Bon still had The 100 Dead Witch Skills (little slow on the uptake, eh, Matty?), but she’s in WAY over her head. Can’t. Been there, done that. She can’t contact the dead. But Jer can! They split up (how MANY times do they hafta be told?) and got on the, what else, cellphones! Bon called Jer like 20 times (hey, Kat had his phone, remember?).
They agreed to meet at Matty’s truck and go to Jer’s house (we claim LAME). Matt went for the bottomless gym bag to get his keys, but found a trail of clothes a mile long through the school. AND his keys in the bottom of the pool (You been Punk‘d!). A desperate Vicki appeared and kicked a shoe in the pool to get Matty‘s attention.
Suspecting she’s there, Matt called Bon about making Jer talk to the dead. She can’t DO that anymore! Ah, but Bon doesn’t need magic, she just needed to be better at CPR than Matt was. “Meet me at the pool.” Displaying a really non-recommended use for a weight belt, Matty drowned himself while Bon practiced the 1000-yard dash to save him. It was a triathlon, ‘cause then dived in, unfastened the weight belt, and hauled his ass out of the pool.
LIFESAVING 101: Plan D for Dead worked! Vicki had just enough time to give temporarily-dead Matt a message from the Great Beyond for Bonnie just before…Suck-face Success! Vomit water! Bonnie passed CPR!
Vicki’s message was from the witch that put the hybrid curse on Klaus. Elena shouldn’t have survived Klaus’ ritual. His hybrids can’t transition because Elena’s still alive. Does this mean Ty’s gonna die? Stay tuned!
LIFE AND DEATH OF THE PARTY
With 6:17 on the countdown clock, there was a short and irritating pause in the action for Elena and Stef to argue the finer points of mind control. Hey, if Car’s dad was able to resist compulsion…just sayin. Especially since YOU LOVE [OWE] ME! Slayer Stefan had trouble getting the point across. All he hears is her heartbeat. And his stomach growling. You are SO dead.
Oh, The Tension! With the clock down to :17 we watched the seconds tick off (where is that damned Damon when you need him?). Still trying to argue with Stef’s gallant side, Elena tried one last desperate attempt to get him to fight it off. But he couldn’t hold it! Like all good heroines, Elena ran like a mother-effer!
Fighting off the URGE, Stef smashed his way down the hall in hot pursuit. Oh that Klaus. Such a kidder! He’s gotta stop meeting Elena in halls like this! Stef knew the battle was lost, and grabbed a nearby broom, snapped it in two, and staked himself in the gut (another piercing!).
Klaus, fascinated by Stef’s love for This One Girl, pulled out the stake and compelled Stef again! This was some REAL Concentration! Klaus The Fixer turned off Stef‘s humanity. But, since he’d been SO unsuccessful in the past, decided a test was in order. Rippah, perhaps you’d like a drink from the doppelganger’s neck. Truly EVIL Stef-vamp eyes. BITE!
Car explained why Ty’s been temporarily dead for a while with some coaching from Bex about the hard part. If Bon’s not successful, Ty’s dead-dead. Enter Klaus with the verdict [in the Dr. Conrad Murray trial]. Since Original Witch said the doppelganger should be dead, Bex went all Goody, Goody! We can kill The Cow! Nope! Just the opposite. Klaus filched a vile of Elena’s blood [from Stef’s snack] for Ty to drink or die for reals. Ty only hesitated for a sec, hey, he wanted to live! Birth announcement! Klaus made a hybrid baby! Yellow eyes and vamp fangs! He looks just like his dad! Bring out the cigars!
Our obituary writer threw in the towel. You just can’t report stuff like this!
Not Now Dana, Chad the Compelled.
Tyler Lockwood (aka Tyler BigWood), Matt Donovan (Club WE See Dead People), Stefan Salvatore (too many neck snaps and belly piercings).
POSSIBLY TEMPORARY OBITUARIES
Jeremy Gilbert (GetOutOfDeathFreeRing Trunk Monkey).
After a night of frivolity with the Senior Pranksters, Elena woke up in a what? A hospital bed? With a compelled nurse cooing about her terrible ordeal while taking yet MORE blood? Since it was VERY important for her *ahem* friend Klaus, the nurse administered the pharmaceuticals. Gotta keep that hybrid-making blood factory at bay! COMMENTARY: Wouldn’t that make for some REAL dopey hybrid babies? Out like a light!
Bex and Klaus were spotted loitering outside the hospital discussing Klaus‘ REAL motivation. That cunning 1000 year-old dead witch put a fail-safe in her plan to keep Klaus ALL ALONE forever. If the doppelganger was dead, there would be no more Magical Mystical blood to make hybrid babies. Duh! Bex finally got it. What? All this shit just so YOU don’t have to be ALONE? Have you ever heard of e-Harmony for Hybrids? Shut UP, Bex and get the truck!
FINALLY Damon showed up [on a white horse wearing a suit of armor]. FIGHT! Klaus is gonna kill him till he says “Mikael” (didn‘t that used to be “Uncle“?). In a total bullshit bluff, Damon told Klaus he and Kat found Mikael and are using him as “leverage”. That word got overused this week! lol That Mikael must be one bad-ass dude, ‘cause Klaus took off like a scalded hybrid.
Damon was now Klaus-free to carry his damsel in distress out of the hospital (okay, this is heaven). Forget those damned wheelchairs! I wanna ride out like THIS! Damon only thought for just a sec about a sip from Elena’s blood bag but was overpowered by her charms. Cue the violins!
Vampire Barbie and Hybrid Tyler finished off the evening hand in hand in the school hallway. Feeling his oats, Ty’s got a Big Rush from this party! He pronounced that it’s gonna be an amazing year! Barbie’s not so sure Ken knows what he‘s talkin about.
Back over in the weight room (Matt was body obsessed apparently), Bon chastised Matt for his reckless stupidity. Even though it worked. Bon’s trying to save Matty’s normality (good luck with that).
He asks for a minute to say goodbye to Vicki, who he felt was there (exit Bonnie, enter Vicki). And he could see her! (Welcome permanently to Club We See Dead People)
After that heavenly exit from the hospital, Damon pours Elena a stiff one back at Stately Salvatore Manor to help her forget. Come on! Weren’t you secretly hoping he’d get her sloshed and carry her upstairs? We Wuv Wicked Woobie! Alas, dear readers, we’re all about the emo this week! Damon The Gallant offered to help her forget the bad stuff, but the maiden doth protest! She WANTS to remember. After everything they went through to help Stefan, they failed.
She didn’t even want The Jewel of the Vile back (which Damon conveniently stole back yet again). After a tearful, “Where WERE you Damon?” he put a hand on her leg (goosebumps!) to comfort her. “I promise you. I will never leave you again“. (Can I get that as a ringtone? Pwease?)
Doing his best Rippah swagger (and looking extremely HAWT doing it), Stef barges in and pronounces, ‘Carry on, I’ll be in the area …ah…forever. Klaus is gone. He’s asked me to keep watch on you till he returns. From now on you are under my protection.’ Doncha just know Damon’s balls were like 2/3 of The Blue Man Group at that moment?
LEFT HAND CORNER
In this week’s most Unlikely coupling, Jer and Katherine arrive at The Oldest Wing of the Largest Cemetery in Charlotte. The Pickett tomb. We don’t know where they dumped Anna, but her directions got ’em there. She said that a witch entombed him there in the 90s (okay, which 90s?). Kat totes made Jeremy look like a wuss by breaking in and shoving open a crypt. Body. Chains. It’s Mikael! Apparently it’s Mikael “Pickett“! Vamp/Vamphunter extraordinaire! Dun, dun, dun!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
We were enthralled with “BEHAVE” and “SEXUAL TENSION” till that last scene at the boarding house. This week‘s Woobie PHRASE of the Week………I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN. *sob*
NOTE TO READERS: The staff would really appreciate it if you would comment so we can improve this gossip rag–think of it as your own EDITORIAL!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!