Alright, darlings. Lets play a game, shall we? It’s a little game I like to call ‘Last One to Swoon is a Rotten Egg.’ Because to be honest: if your heart didn’t stop for a moment or ten – or in the very least, didn’t skip wildly out of kilter – at the sight of the scene that first greeted us in Episode 13, then quite frankly, dearest, you may want to go get your eyes checked. Because ladies and gentleman, Damon Salvatore is IN da HOUSE. (Please excuse my Kanye speak, people – I know it’s terrible. The equivalent of your nanna quoting PDiddy, really, but moving on…)
The great thing about Daddy Issues was that it really did cover a lot of plot bases, from the Tyler-who-loves-Caroline-who-loves-Matt-and-Tyler-too-a-little-bit-sort-of triangle, to the epic ongoing tangle of life, unlife and love that is Damon, Elena and Stefan. Okay, so Bonnie and Jer didn’t get much of a showing this week, but it had been seriously noted by Julie Plec that their time was about to come soon – it just wasn’t this episode.
Now Look At Your Man, Now Back To Me. I’m In A Shower.
Standing in his shower – which has no walls (+10 points), classy modern décor (another +10 points), and is filled with Damon (+ a BAJJILLION points, closely followed by a giant KER-CHING) – the elder Salvatore is clearly troubled. Naked, yes, but also troubled. (Focus, people. This is serious.) As he wanders out into the bedroom, it’s to see yet another news story about another mysterious death, only this time one he has caused: the girl he killed on the deserted road in a fit of emotional torment after last parting from Elena, has now officially been reported missing. It’s just another burden on top of what has been a long few days for Damon to be sure, but true to form, things are about to get a whole lot hairier and we ain’t talkin’ just metaphorically. Because whilst he is brooding over the trouble Jules and Co. are causing him and his unrequited love, Jules and Co. are in fact out causing more trouble. For everyone.
Having just informed Tyler that his uncle is dead, Jules has set her sights on the destruction of those responsible – namely the Salvatores – and she knows that turning Tyler against Caroline will be instrumental in her plan being successful. This proves to be less than difficult; Tyler meets a surprised Caroline out the front of her house the very next morning, demanding answers, but also alerting her to the fact that he not only knows she isn’t the only vampire in town, but also exactly who they are. Once alone, she immediately calls Stefan and tells him what’s happened, knowing that if anybody has any chance of reasoning with Tyler, it will be him (and his perfect coif of perfect hair. Which is perfect.)
The Curious Case of Daduncle John
Seriously. This man is like a rash. But, despite the fact that John Gilbert isn’t the most pleasant of all returning characters to Mystic Falls, he does bring with him a certain mystery, and potentially – if Stefan’s hopes are to be fulfilled – some answers. Cue Jenna coming home to find this rat catcher in her kitchen, and you can forgive her reaction when she promptly tells him to rack off because he has no right to be there. Especially in their house. But – ever Captain Tactful – John proceeds to drop the bomb on Jenna that as he is in fact, not Elena’s uncle but rather her biological father, he’s quite happy to stay where he is, thanks. It was a moment that reminded you of just how oblivious Jenna is to everything that’s going on around her, arguably more blissfully ignorant – if that were possible – even than Matt, in all of this. But still. John’s delivery was down right cruel. Had I my way I’d’ve served him to Damon (or a pack of rabid shipper fangirls) on a platter yonks ago for being such a jerk. But it’s not to be. Clearly, John has a lot bigger agenda being back in Mystic Falls that just saving his daughter’s life from the hands of the scariest, most powerful vampire in history. Ten bucks says ‘Save Elena from Klaus’ doesn’t even make the top 5 on his to do list, though. There is a major plan playing out here, that’s for sure.
Vampires: Stealing in Through Open Windows Coz Knocking’s For Losers
In an effort to reason with Tyler (*snorts* yeah, because THAT approach always works with a big angry cursed dog) Stefan appears suddenly in Tyler’s house, stating that he just wants to talk. In a last ditch effort to make Tyler see his side of the story, Stefan reiterates the fact that this ancient feud doesn’t have to be their feud: they can coexist peacefully side by side as vampire and werewolf. To emphasise this, Stefan tells Tyler his true motivation for returning to Mystic Falls: that in truth, he just wanted to build a life and live it out as normally as possible. Oh dear. Stefan, darling, right now, we both know that handing Tyler such wise logic to deal with a difficult situation is like giving him a fork and telling him to go eat soup. Indeed, this feud is going nowhere but up, and it’s heading straight towards its boiling point.
Werewolves of 2011: Not Your Average Brady Bunch
If Brady The Werewolf had a twitter, his bio I believe would read something like this.
@annoyingestdudeinthewholefreakinuniverse Mystic Falls, GA
I like the beach, cheap 70’s camper vans and hunting Bambi with a chainsaw.
Indeed, since Brady showed up, he’s made it abundantly clear that if any questions are going to be asked, he is not going to play Good Cop by a long shot. Especially to a vampire. So it comes as no surprise that whilst everyone else is hanging at the Mystic Grill for their own different reasons, Jules is using her new guard dog in human form to abduct our beloved Caroline. By shooting her in the head, with a wooden gun. He was as cold, malicious and calculating as any psychopath, and if you were anything like me, you wanted to put the SmackDown on his candy ass from the get go, before dropping a cement house on him. And back at the Grill, where Damon has just learned what’s happened to Caroline, the older Salvatore promptly tells a hopeful Elena – prior to barring her from leaving the Grill – a little home truth as he sees it, about the line that separates weres and vampires: Tyler is a werewolf, and werewolves need to die. End of story, and he promptly goes out into the night. But back to you, dear Brady: don’t think I’m completely hating on you.
Here. Here’s ten points.
For really putting the ass back into assassination. For real, dude. Between you and Jules, you are giving Lassie a bad name.
Important Scenes While all Of This Is Going On
– Stefan telling Tyler to stop being such a dick to Caroline. Well, Tyler may be a new dog, but this is an old trick: it appears he is technically incapable of being anything but a dick to his friends. Stefan’s Perfect Forehead, meet brick wall. This convo’s goin nowhere today.
– John babysitting Elena at the Grill for Damon, as apparently he too wants to stop her from another attempt at sacrificing herself. Seriously, John Gilbert. Dr Phil would have FIELD DAY with you. Big stupid dumbhead.
– Jenna introduces Damon (in Captain Mopey mode this evening) to a friend of hers: the appropriately names news reporter Andie Starr, who he’d watched report his secret kill on the news that very morning. Unwitting of his true character, she flirts and offers him a drink. But he completely and unceremoniously fobs off her attention as Elena watches on, a pronounced shadow of jealousy covering her face.
– Brady continues to torture Caroline for information about the other vampires in town, shooting her with wooden bullets and leaving her strapped and creaming on the floor of a cage. In other news, fans plan to converge on fictional Georgia town with pitchforks and canons packed with enough wolfsbane to burn a moon-affected mutt so badly, you can guarandamntee even his ANCESTORS will come up in welts.
– Using Caroline’s phone to call Stefan, Jules tells him that while his little band stuffed up in killing Mason, she’s going to give him a chance to make it right, via a trade: Tyler, for Caroline.
Yippee Kayay, Mother of All Annoying Blonde Chicks: It’s Die Hard a la Salvatore
Turning up to Brady’s caravan in the woods with Tyler in tow, Stefan confronts Jules and tells her to produce Caroline. Naturally, this was never going to be a clean exchange. So when Damon shows up in a very snarky mood and ready to rumble, Jules promptly whistles and calls in the rest of the wolf pack she and Brady have secretly assembled in order to take down the Salvatores. At which point it’s gunfight at the OK Corral time: the brothers charge into battle, their vampire speed aiding their cause and enabling them to exact brutal justice on their attackers. That said, numbers are against them, and at this point, it starts to go very badly. Stefan is still kicking ass and taking out weres left, right and centre, but it doesn’t take long for Damon to find himself right about to receive a stake to his un-beating heart, courtesy of Brady. At the same time, Tyler has snuck into the caravan and found Caroline in her cell, obviously having been tortured. Tyler fumbles around until he manages to get Caroline out, but Jules is waiting outside. He watches on looking helplessly lost, as Jules stands ready to kill the girl who’d been his best friend despite the risk to her own life, and with Damon about to cop a staking, it looks very dire.
Cue then, a little night magic.
Out of nowhere, the weres are crippled by some invisible sound. It’s the Founder’s Day Ball all over again, only this time with a very pointed target. And it’s with no small amount of shock that the Good Doctor – Luka’s father – comes striding slowly and purposefully from the darkness, oozing strength and wielding some serious mojo. Telling the baffled group that he is here to see that Elijah’s end of his bargain with Elena – to protect her family and friends from harm – is upheld, he tells them to leave. His fellow wolves now incapacitated an unconscious on the forest floor, the warlock looks a now solitary Tyler squarely in the eyes and says the message to pass on to his pack is simple, the gist of which is easy enough for even him to understand tonight: Get the hell out of Dodge before I hand you your cursed asses on a platter.
AHEM, witchy dude. Agenda or no agenda, 100 points for choosing tonight to take your inner Dumbledore for a walk.
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Earlier in the night, prior to being kidnapped and tortured, Caroline had run into Matt on the street. It’s so hard to not love everything about this couple. She loves him, he loves her, WE adore her, and we want to wrap him in cotton wool and cuddles until all this nasty potentially fatal business is over. Hoping the two of them can talk, and start to work things out, she agrees to meet him after work. At which point she was taken. Having just been delivered home by Stefan, a bruised, bloodied, tired and shaken Caroline answers the sudden ring of her phone, only to be reminded by Matt of their plans to meet. But she does not have it in her. Not tonight, after everything. And she quickly lies, telling him that she’s with Bonnie, which would be true perhaps if Bonnie were not sitting in a booth at the Grill opposite him playing snuggles with Jeremy. Knowing she’s lying, he abruptly ends their conversation, her not realising that he is savvy to her deception. As she sits up in bed, she hears a knock on her door, only to find a skittish and penitent Tyler on her doorstep, fumbling for an excuse for his not helping her when Jules threatened her life. When she calls him out on it, his knee jerk defense is to bring up her lying about Mason, at which point she pretty much says ‘Yep, I did, and I did it to protect you.’ She rightly goes on to take him angrily to task about the fact that – Mason or no Mason – after everything she’d done for him, gone through with him, he just stood there. He did nothing. Grieving, furious and in pain, Caroline slams the door in his face, declaring their friendship to be over.
Two words, sister. RIGHT. ON.
The Ties That Bind
It’s true that there are some wounds medicine cannot heal. Nor, in Caroline’s case, can immortality. It’s been a long night, and the knock she hears on her door, considering the last one, isn’t something you’d think she’d want. But getting up to answer it, she finds Stefan, and in what I think has to be one of his kindest most loving acts to date, he presents Caroline with her two best friends in the world. Bonnie and Elena pull Caroline into their arms, and – Elena mouthing ‘I love you’ to Stefan one last time that night – he disappears, leaving these three beautiful girls alone to hang out, and enjoy the healing power that sometimes only a best friend’s hug can conjure.
Elsewhere, back at the Salvatore mansion and in that glorious bathroom of his, Damon lays back in the bath wearily, opposite the beautiful Andie Starr who appears to actually have succeeded in snagging her earlier prey. Smitten, she watches him with an intrigued, glowing expression as he reveals the things that are plaguing him: namely, being in love with a woman he cannot have, and his constant war against what Elena wants him to be and what he is. What he is, is a killer he tells Andie. She only has a moment to be afraid though, which naturally she is. He quickly pulls her to him and compels her not to be afraid. Immediately she relaxes, and it’s with a heart and mind bent on distraction that he pulls her deeper into his arms. And what starts as a kiss ends as a hard, purposeful bite: he sinks his fangs into her shoulder, our last glance of our beloved older Salvatore before the black out, being one of him sending a steady stream of blood down Andie’s back and into the bath.