Just when you thought it was gonna be all monsters in fairy tales, they go and change the game!
Last week’s episode was full of emotional land mines, the high school drama of who-likes-who, and the monster-of-the-week was the twins’ bio mum . . . and nothing draws out teenaged snark like emotional land mines. Trust me.
Here we go!
Alaric: No, I am no where near cracking this case. I have the knife, I have a symbol, I have a place. . . sort of . . . but I don’t know what any of it means. And Idon’t know what’s connecting it. And I don’t know what monster iscoming next.
Alaric: I’ll call you back.
Dorian: Whoa. Whooooooa.
Jo: ‘Ric, if you could just put the crossbow down, my freak out level is about 11 right now.
Dorian: You know her?
Alaric: I know who she’s supposed to be.
Alaric: The love of my life.
Jo: I was sorta just . . . um, yanked. . . awake, and then I was just sort of here.
Dorian: You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
Alaric: Kill her now before she attacks!
Jo: Wait. What?
Hope: Obviously, nothing’s gonna come out of it. I mean, I may never see him again. And nobody wants a phone thing. Though I do like the sound of his voice. It’s low and smart-sounding. And kinda soothing. And his eyes! His eyes are like this green-grey color, that’s not really a color. You know? Like they’re green when he wears green, and then . . . oh my god, who am I right now?
Emma: A normal teenager.
Hope: Who cares what Lizzie Saltzman thinks?
Rafael: I do. I’m her date.
Lizzie: Isn’t it a beautiful day for a party?
Josie: You’re . . . cheerful.
Lizzie: Why wouldn’t I be? Mom’s coming home. I had sex with Raf. My pores are practically invisible.
Josie: Wait. What? You had . . . sex.
Penelope: Whoop whoop! Happy birthday, witches.
Lizzie: Oh, look. It’s Satan. In a crop top. Come to burn my world down?
Emma: I put a basic boundary spell to keep her in. You sure she can’t do magic?
Alaric: She couldn’t before she died, so if she can now, I guess we learn the hard way.
Jo: Ummmm, she’s right here. And she’s got a lot of questions.
Emma: Be careful of this one, ‘Ric.
Alaric: What’s the last thing you remember?
Jo: Morning sickness. My dress. Our vows. My psychopath twin brother with a very large knife. And then .. . nothing. How long ago was that? You look a little . . .seasoned.
Lizzie: Holy crap. You’re bio-mom.
Alaric: Your family’s crazy coven magically implanted the twins in Caroline when you died. She’s their birth mother.
Jo: Caroline? So. . . .you two?
Alaric: No. She married Stefan Salvatore, who, basically, died on their wedding day, too. But that’s a long story.
Hope: So, the MC will announce Lizzie and her escort.
Rafael: Her what?
Hope: Kinda like at a debutante ball?
Rafael: I grew up in foster care?
Hope: Ok. Well, they had stairs?
Rafael: How do you know all this stuff?
Hope: One of my aunts has been around for more than a thousand years, this is kind of her jam.
MG: You’re lucky I respect women, and that I shun all forms of toxic masculinity, or else you and I would be throwing down. Right now. Even if you can kick my ass.
Penelope: Dude. I am just here to help.
MG: By telling Lizzie and Josie that their mom isn’t coming?
Penelope: Oh, that was just for Lizzie. Who is taking Rafael as her date, instead of you. So why are you doing all of this to try and make her party perfect?
MG: Cuz a man’s gotta shoot his shot.
Penelope: Oh my god! No. I can’t take it anymore! As your friend, I demand that you retrieve your little MGs from Lizzie’s grip!
MG: Not when I can taste victory.
Penelope: And when the Queen of Mean has broken your heart, all over again, promise me that you will let .. . Lizzie . . . go.
Hope: I can’t believe you slept with Lizzie Saltzman.
Rafael: Look, I was mad and she was there. I didn’t say I was proud of it. You’re leading.
Hope: And you’re officially a gigalo.
Josie: Dad is so suspicious.
Lizzie: Duh. So am I.
Josie: I just think she’s more fairy godmother than zombie.
Lizzie: She’s not our mother. She’s DNA. We can be mad at mom all that we want for missing our party, but we cannot cheat on her with . . . Mombie Dearest.
Penelope: Hey, Jo Jo. Need an escort?
Josie: Sure. Do you know anyone who’s heart isn’t made of stone?
Penelope: Look, I am sorry about earlier. I saw a chance to make Lizzie suffer and, uh, I, shot my shot.
Josie: Do you know how to braid?
Lizzie: You’re wearing sneakers?
MG: These are Concord Elevens, my lady.
Lizzie: What if I told you my favorite was sunflowers?
MG: I’d know you were lying.
MG: The same way I know your favorite color is lavender, your favorite desert is Key-Lime Pie, and you like a blend of hip hop and old school Motown, and powdered batwings make you sneeze.
Lizzie: My favorite song.
MG: I know.
Josie: You’re only saying that, because you’re . . .
Jo: It’s ok. Caroline is your mom. She did a great job.
Josie: Well, Lizzie’s exactly like her. You’d never know she wasn’t her biological mom.
Jo: And you take after me.
Rafael: So you can slay a dragon, but you can’t get us out of here?
Hope: Only Penelope can undo the spell. Or the twins could siphon the magic.
Rafael: Well, that’s unlikely seeing as Lizzie probably thinks I’m standing her up right now.
Hope: Her ego could use a little bit of deflating.
Rafael: I’m not that guy, okay? I don’t just forget about people.
Rafael: Time’s up, lonely girl.
Penelope: You gonna howl at the moon, wearing that?
Hope: Sorry, no time for bitchy banter.
Hope: Actually, I could use your help finding Josie.
Penelope: What happened?
Hope: Apparently, her possessed biological mother buried her alive in the cemetery.
Dorian: Hello, ‘Ric.
Alaric: Where is it?
Dorian: Asking for a friend?
Dorian: Hero 101, ‘Ric. You don’t give the bad guys what they want. Especially if we don’t know what it does.
Hope: How do you want to do this, magic?
Penelope: I say we DIY-it and pretend they’re Lizzie Saltzman.
Hope: Works for me.
Hope: The talisman worked!
Josie: What’s it supposed do?
Hope: Make quiet things heard.
Jo: This is wrong. This isn’t safe for any of us. You have to get this thing out of me. Tell the girls to siphon its magic from me.
Alaric: The magic’s probably the only thing keeping you alive – Oh. Right.
Jo: Josie thinks you’re lonely. Are you happy?
Alaric: I am happy right now, in the arms of my demon-possessed baby momma.
Jo: I’m serious.
Alaric: I will be happy when the girls are grown. Promise.
Jo: Do they know what happens when they turn 22?
Alaric: No, not yet. And we don’t want them to know, until we’ve exhausted all options. That’s why Caroline’s missed their birthday. She’s following some lead.
Jo: You tell Caroline I said thank you for being my girls’ mom.
MG: I’m serious, Ps, something clicked while I was taking out those zombies. It felt right inside. Like that was the real me.
MG: Well, I’m a superhero.
Penelope: * bursts out laughing *
MG: Like from the comics. Cuz the heroes, they don’t just get the girl, they get all the girls.
Penelope: Oh, totally. Superman is such a slut.
Josie: Thanks for tonight, MG.
MG: First hero thank you, accepted! Up, up, and away!
Penelope: Hey. What about me? I helped.
Penelope: You’re right. This world needs the selfless and the selfish to keep spinning. I happen to be the latter.
Josie: I hate you.
Penelope: I know.
Rafael: Rough night?
Hope: No. All evidence to the contrary, I actually had a lot of fun. What about you?
Rafael: About that. I was straight with Lizzie.
Hope: Well, um, I now have my own Avengers squad.
Lizzie: So, we just siphon the magic out of her until she’s, what . . . dead again?
Jo: It’s ok, Josie. It’s ok. I’m already dead. I was a witch, just like you. And we believe in the natural order of things. I shouldn’t be here. I love that I had this. But it’s a lie. And now I need you to help me make it right. The longer I’m here, the more I remember where I came from. I used to watch you. I used to watch all of you. Like in a dream. Where everything is warm and happy. I think I was at peace. So that’s where I’ll be. Waiting for you.
Lizzie: I’m so sorry. I was awful to you.
Jo: Oh, Lizzie. You have such a big heart. It’s ok to let other people see it. Oh, my beautiful girls. You are everything I could have ever wished for. Everything. Be good to each other. Fight for each other. When you’re older, you’ll understand what I mean. But I need you to remember that I said it.
Josie: I can’t. I can’t.
Jo: Oh, Josette. This is the right thing to do. It’s the only thing to do for you. I love you. I love all of you so much.
Dorian: ‘Ric, why don’t you go home? I’ll take care of all of this.
Alaric: The only place I’m going is to find whatever monster did this and kill it . . . slowly.
Alaric: And who in the Hell are you?
Monster: Ha ha ha. Your pathetic attempt at humor does nothing to mask your fear. Tremble then, in the presence of The Necromancer! Hahahahaha.
Monster: THE Necromancer! Bringer of life and death. He who holds the Fate’s threads! The Cursed King of the Underworld.
Alaric: Yeah, it’s not ringing any bells. You?
Dorian: All I know about necromancers is from videogames, and they’re like low-level witch cannon-fodder.
I can’t think of a better Monster-of-the-Week introduction! Too funny.
Let’s see what this guy has in store for us on Thursday, shall we?