I do so love the snarky quips on this show! And, I’ll admit (only to you) that I kinda enjoy the softer moments, too. But, this one was mostly snark. Which warms me to the very bottom of my cold, cold heart.
So, let’s get started, shall we?
That’s a “go” for SNARK!
Dude in the Suit: Are you sure she works here?
Security Guard: Can’t think of any other reason she’d have our logo around her neck.
Hope: How long do you think it’ll be before the next monster shows up?
Alaric: Hard to say.
Alaric: Where did you hide the urn, by the way?
Hope: I’m not sure I should tell you.
Alaric: Excuse me.
Hope: Isn’t it safer if only one of us knows where it is?
Alaric: Well, then that one of us should be the adult.
Hope: Funny, because I thought it should be the one of us with high-level superpowers. What should we tell everyone else? We should probably warn them before a cyclops crashing exam week.
Alaric: So, Mr Williams and Ms Tigg are in the process of evacuating our students from the lower grades.
Kaleb: Why don’t we just evacuate the damned artifact?
Alaric: Well, we are much more well-equipped than the world at large to handle the arrival of a monster.
Alaric: However, exam week will continue as scheduled, wherever you are. I know, sorry. But I can’t exactly call the state accreditation board and tell we’re canceling exams because of monsters.
MG: You evacuating?
Kaleb: Hell naw, man, and I’ve got 4 exams in the morning. I need my beauty rest.
Landon: Hope’s MIA.
Rafael: Yeah, she’s probably suiting up in her battle armor. The girl’s basically Wonder Woman.
Landon: Either that, or she’s realized she’s made a mistake bringing me back here, because where I go, danger follows.
Rafael: God, come on, bro. This one’s not on you.
Landon: I mean, her being distant today, has gotta have something to do with us waking up in a field with amnesia yesterday, right?
Hope: Raf, hey.
Rafael: I passed out, huh?
Hope: You’re very cute when you sleep.
Alaric: Our latest monster is . . . a Night Hag. A malevolent spirit, trapped in the astral plane, that can only interact with us through dreams. In this case . . . nightmares.
MG: So, like Freddy Krueger?
Alaric: Well, in the sense that what happens to you in your dreams seems to also happen to you in real life, yes. So, the good news is, we’re safe, as long as we stay awake.
Kaleb: Dude, what is this? You can’t say these things about Big D, my man. Ok? Like, the guy, you can’t.
MG: Is that my presentation?
Kaleb: Just because you need to dry out, does not mean you need to take down the entire vampire canon.
MG: Just because vampires have been like this for the last century, doesn’t mean we have to stay that way.
MG: Dracula, as a novel, has only retained relevance in modern times because of our patriarchal culture’s obsession with the idea of a privileged, powerful man who does whatever he wants with absolute impunity. Meaning, we spent weeks in this class analyzing the literary value of a character who basically abuses consent in every way possible . . .
Alaric: * over loud speaker * The senior witch faculty has mixed together a batch of energy herbs to help you stay awake. So, for those of you who are not getting on the evacuation bus – for lack of a better term – please, dose yourselves responsibly. * to Landon and Hope * I’m gonna get sued, or hexed at the very least.
Landon: You don’t have to be so hard on yourself, at my last school, the gym teacher was dealing coke under the bleachers.
Alaric: Oh, yeah, that only makes me feel marginally better.
Landon: ‘Course, I had to stab myself to get your attention. I’m blowing this, aren’t I?
Alaric: You know, Landon, sometimes the best thing for Hope, is to let her be Hope. Stay busy. She’ll talk when she’s ready.
Hope: Hey, got something against the bag?
Hope: Actually, I could use a sparring partner. If I don’t punch something, I’m gonna fall asleep.
Hope: You’re being too gentle.
Rafael: I’m punching you with half my weight.
Hope: Give me all of it.
Hope: Don’t make me take you down, I have no desire to be alpha here.
Rafael: Damn, woman.
Hope: I’m really sorry for all the things in your life that happened to you to make you so good a brawling, but I really needed that right now.
Hope: You’ve never lied to protect someone?
Rafael: No, Hope, I haven’t.
Landon: Dr Saltzman!
Alaric: Dr Saltzman, I have changed my mind, I have decided to take you up on your offer and get the Hell out with every other sane person here.
Landon: No, actually, I took your advice and I stayed busy, and I think I found something.
Landon: Let’s pretend for a second that the research isn’t wrong, maybe the Night Hag can’t hurt us in real life. Maybe the Night Hag can’t leave the astral plane and get ahold of the urn. So. Maybe we’re not dealing with a Night Hag.
Alaric: Well, if it walks like a Night Hag and talks like a Night Hag, what else could it be?
Landon: That’s what I was wondering, and then I started going through all these books and BOOM.
Hope: What’s an Oneiari?
Alaric: It’s a black winged, shape shifting dream demon from Greek mythology.
Landon: Of course he knows what it is.
Hope: Why would one monster disguise itself as another monster, the Oneiari sounds freaky enough?
Landon: Because, if we knew what it actually was –
Alaric: – we’d know how to stop it. Hope? Kiss him for me.
Rafael: How the Hell are we supposed to kill a dream demon?
Hope: Leave that part to me. But since I can’t fall asleep without compromising the location of the urn, I need someone to pull it out of the dream plane and into our waking reality.
MG: So, Freddy Krueger, like I said.
Rafael: How the Hell are we supposed to do that?
MG: If it’s anything like the movies we just grab and pull.
Kaleb: Yeah, is it too late to get on the evacuation bus?
MG: I’m a founding member of the Super Squad, so I can’t bail.
Kaleb: Ya’ll gonna get ya’llselves killed. But if MG stays, I stay. No child left behind.
Hope: In that case, it’s nap time.
Hope: Hey, what are you doing?
Alaric: What any rational adult caretaker of children should be doing. We found out how to kill the Night Hag, and now I’m taking the urn as far away as possible to do just that.
Hope: I didn’t even tell you where I hid the urn!
Alaric: Yeah, well, you didn’t have to. I found it. In the safe with the Mikaelson crest that you built into the floorboards of your closet.
Hope: No, you’re doing that thing that you do. Waving your adult card around. Forgetting that it means you’re a father of two. You’re fallible. You’re human. You can be killed.
Alaric: I’ve also been kicking supernatural ass, longer than you’ve been alive.
Alaric: Hey, girls. I’m guessing you’re with your mother, taking your exams. Hers are probably much harder than mine, so you’re probably wishing you’d stayed behind to fight the latest Malivore monster. Ha. About that. I’ve done something very smart. Or very dumb. And if it doesn’t work out, you’re gonna be really upset with me. Just know that I love you both. Very much.
Landon: What did you do to him?
Hope: Nothing. He’s so tired, he must’ve nodded off on his own.
Kaleb: Hey, man. Whatever you see in there, it’s not real, ok?
MG: Oh, I know. I’ve already faced my worst nightmares in that cemetery, so . . . Bring it on, Hag.
Hope: Landon, I don’t think you should do this.
Landon: Nope. Nuh-uh. You don’t get to ignore me all day, and then make decisions for me.
Hope: You’re gonna be inside of a nightmare.
Hope: This monster can get inside of your head, use your worst fear against you.
Landon: Are you kidding? My biggest fear was fitting in here. And now I’m a Dream Warrior. Plus, I saved the day. Well, I, no, I found the plan that saved the day, you’re the one that’s actually gonna save the day. Which is so sexy, by the way.
Night Hag: You know what I need.
Alaric: Rise and shine!
Landon: I guess I already lived through my nightmare. Screw you and your stupid test, because none of this is real!
MG: Are we alive? Did we win?
Rafael: Hey, is everybody ok?
Kaleb: Do you see any dead dream demons laying around?
Hope: Did I tell Landon the wrong hiding place for the urn? Oops.
Landon: What was Hope doing in your dream?
Rafael: The usual . . . just being a bad ass.
* Hope explodes through doors with Oneiari *
Rafael: Pretty much like that.
Alaric: Hope! Eyes!
Kaleb: Landon was right. Sexy as Hell.
MG: That’s one more monster down. You two are now officially part of the Super Squad.
Landon: We made it.
Landon: So, I have this whole thing that I need to say. Is it cool if I say it?
Landon: I’ve spent most of my life afraid . . . and unsure. I mean, when you guys brought me back here, it didn’t get better, it got worse because now I actually had something to lose. Annnnd, it didn’t help that it felt like you were . . . avoiding me. Keeping things from me. And then, I fought a dream demon. A creature who exists literally to make me live out my worst fears, and I thought, “what have I been so afraid of?” If you wanna change your mind about being with me, change your mind, and I’m gonna work that much harder to make you change it back. If you need to lie, to keep dream demons from getting their claws on the urn . . . lie. If you need to keep secrets because you’re burdened with all the responsibilities no one else can handle, alright then. Keep your secrets. It is my job to bust my ass until you see me as someone to confide in, but I’m not going to be afraid of losing you anymore, Hope. Because I’m gonna be the guy who always fights . . . to find you again. Sorry . . . I’m done.
Hope: Tweaked your shoulder, throwing me that bolt?
Alaric: Tweaked my body, throwing it into a tree and I think I have a concussion.
Alaric: Where did you end up hiding that? In my dream, you had a safe tucked under the floorboards in your closet.
Hope: You know, I couldn’t fully decide on a new hiding spot, so I just stashed it under my pillow. Go figure.
Alaric: Well, you were all very smart today, while I fell asleep on the job.
Hope: You drove halfway across the country in three days, cut yourself some slack.
Yeah, Alaric, cut yourself some slack . . . it’s been a rough couple of weeks!
Can’t wait to see what next week’s episode dishes out in the way of snark, jabs, and even sappy love stuff!