Snark 105: Malivore
Nothing brings out the snark in a teenager faster than school drama. (I should know, I parent a 16-year-old.) And school drama is ALWAYS brought out when there’s an office that needs running for. Especially when that office holds any sort of power over the school body.
Bribes are given and taken. Blackmail happens. (And in Lizzie’s case, “blackTIEmail” happens once in a blue moon, too.) Promises are made. Friendship are broken. Ex-lovers go low. Waaaaaaay low.
But, along the way, other snark happens, too.
And the occasional Headmaster is harangued trying to leave the school, enemies explain their enemy-ness (while cutting you down even further), dryads are questioned, and Alphas are challenged.
It’s all in here, so let’s get started!
Dryad: You deceived me.
Dorian: ‘Ric, I got one that talks.
MG: When I told Lizzie about how Kaleb was feeding on the girls at the High School, I didn’t think that my big mouth would get him sent to “Vampire Prison.”
Alaric: Your big mouth had nothing to do with that. Kaleb’s locked up because he needs to dry out.
Hope: Are you kidding me?
Alaric: I’m under assault today.
Hope: You get to interrogate a tree nymph, and I have to run Landon’s 23 and Me?!
Alaric: First of all, its a dryad, not a nymph. Second of all, I need a witch to run the testing spells.
Hope: Get Emma to do it.
Hope: You’re enjoying this.
Alaric: I am.
Hope: Dr Saltzman wanted me to administer your tests. Starting with some weird, mystical blood analysis.
Hope: Excuse me.
Josie: So you’re running for Honor Council, just to spite her? That’s low, even for you, Penelope.
Penelope: You used to like it when I went low.
Alaric: Anything yet?
Dorian: Just some light judgement.
Dorian: What if we don’t take the deal?
Dryad: Trees are patient. Humans are not.
Dryad: What magic have you employed to search for my Oliver?
Alaric: It’s a new spell, called Google.
Dryad: You’re mocking me.
Alaric: Yeah, but, just a little bit.
Dryad: I feel your pain, you have also lost a great love.
Alaric: Psychic tree, check.
Dryad: Is your humor helpful in avoiding your pain?
Alaric: Not really. No.
Landon: So, it’s, uh, a supernatural lie detector?
Hope: Pretty much your worst nightmare.
Landon: Bring it on, Hope.
Rafael: Do you got a sec?
Lizzie: I have a lot of secs. I mean, time.
Rafael: Are you blackmailing me?
Lizzie: Noooooo, I’m blackTIEing you. It’s totally different.
MG: What up, Kaleb?
Kaleb: ‘The Hell you want, man?
MG: I got this from the kitchen, thought you might be hungry.
Kaleb: Not for bunny blood.
MG: It’s the only blood in the school, man.
Kaleb: Then hunger strike it is, I guess.
Hope: I’m not mad, I couldn’t care less.
Landon: * holds up magic lie detector which is glowing red *
Hope: Fine. It’s easier, to be mad.
Hope: Because it is.
Landon: Or maybe it’s because you feel like, if you stop being mad you’re letting your guard down. And the legendary Hope Mikaelson couldn’t possibly do that.
Hope: When I let my guard down, people disappoint me.
Landon: * hold up magic lie detector which is glowing blue *
Landon: So, for the last time . . . I’m sorry . . . I broke your trust. I don’t want to do it again.
Hope: Thank you.
Rafael: He’s gonna pay for what he did. He coulda killed him.
Hope: You wanna do something to help him? Take a walk to the herb garden and get me some Hazelwood root.
Landon: What does Hazelwood root do?
Hope: Make him cool off before he realizes that I made it up.
Hope: Guess we can cross “supernatural healing” off the list.
Lizzie: I’m trying to rise above it. So let me freaking rise.
Kaleb: Let me guess, there’s been a mistake. I won the popular vote, but not the electoral college.
Hope: Listen. I want a seat on the Council. I’m a tribrid. The only one of my kind. No one can represent my interests but me.
Alaric: Is this about Landon? Because you can’t let this get personal.
Hope: The political IS personal. I learned that in Advanced Civics, taught by you.
Alaric: Now that’s cheating.
Hope: Sorry I’m late.
Kaleb: Hold up. Who voted for her?
Hope: I ran unopposed.
Dryad: I remembered something else. That black pit. That awful place. It’s called Malivore.
Dorian: Malivore. Thank you.
Penelope: It’s sweet of you not to want to hurt the punching bag.
Lizzie: You want to take its place?
Lizzie: What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?
Penelope: It’s not about you. Shocking, I know. It’s about how you treat Josie.
Hope: I voted no.
Landon: Really didn’t need to know that.
Landon: Is that your way of admitting you care about me?
Hope: Maybe I’m a little biased.
Hope: Think of it like a click your heels together three times kinda thing.
And with two epic kisses, and the reveal that Landon’s mum is wearing a pendant that matches the symbol the Dryad carved into the candle wax, the episode ends.
This week’s episode is gonna be an emotional landmine, what with “Mombie Dearest” coming back from the dead as the Monster of the Week! (Remember the girls never knew her, Caroline is their mum as far as they are concerned.)
Tune in with us, and let’s see where this goes!