Mystic Falls Messenger
Monster’s Bollocks, what a week! A Howl-o-Week masquerading as a college historical party! And don’t you just HATE when someone shows up in the same costume as you–right down to the face?!
Editor’s note: Our resident screencapper, Ruthie, enjoyed rubbing elbows with the residents of Mystic Falls this weekend–the editorial staff was green with envy! But here she is, nose back at the grindstone just for our dear readers!
DR. FRANKENFIELD RIDES AGAIN!
With nods to scary movies of old, Dr. Dickfield opened our saga with Last Dead Jesse strapped to a gurney in his diabolical mad scientist lab, teasing him with a few droplets of blood in a Petri dish. Subject 62547? If Dr. Dickfield’s ’subjects’ are numbered, how long has he been recording these little experiments–since The Golden Age of Silas? Perfect candidate for what, exactly? Our investigative team WILL get to the bottom of this!
Dickfield was being particularly nasty and irritating, ignoring Jesse’s pain with his little hand recorder. ‘Subject’ had been three days since initial transition without feeding. Fangs retract nicely when lure of plasma withdrawn. Pupil response to light stimulation 11 on a scale of 1-10. What a smug bastard!
A DAY IN
UNNORMAL CAMPUS LIFE
Our Whitmore College correspondent caught up with all our players in pursuit of their return to ‘normalcy’ after last edition’s tragic death discovery. Elena tried her hand at returning to diary recording as a means of distraction, only to get distracted at every attempt! She envied Stefan not even remembering Bonnie, Tyler and Caroline were too busy knockin boots to think about anything.
Elena tried to concentrate on Dickfield’s part in RIP Megan’s death cover-up when the dastardly Doctor sauntered up to ask if she was attending the upcoming costume ball? If she only KNEW what else he was up to! None of it really distracted her from missing Bonnie, who was right there, reading over her shoulder (after all, a day without Bonnie is like a day without….well, Bonnie).
She didn’t even wanna talk to Damon when he called. Too bad, we spied Damon right behind her, curious why he was being ignored. Elena’s feeble excuse? Yes, she’d texted once in three days (geez, Damon, insecure much?) to invite him to the costume ball. Had to go, late for class! Pout!
Busy studying anatomy in the luxurious vamp-girls dorm room were aforementioned Forwood. Well, at least Tyler was TRYING to study anatomy, Caroline only wanted to discuss his new major in Sociology and single dorm room accommodations she’d compelled for him. He didn’t wanna talk about anything to do with school, WHICH left Car an opening to chastise him about his lack of call return for months. Boonies, no reception, yadayadayada. The song remained the same, and he’d made up for it a couple dozen times already (ewww, TMI, Tyler, TMI!). Nope, he could make up by escorting her to the Whitmore Historical Ball, as Clyde to her Bonnie. She’d gotten Stefan a costume and he was going, it would be just like Old Times!
Elena made a short stop on her way to class. The RIP Megan memorial of dried
wilted flowers and mementos, with a mysterious guy apparently mourning before it. Elena decided to intro herself as Megan’s former roomie, asking if Mystery Dude knew her? They knew each other growing up? We think this could be significant, given what we later find out about Mystery Dude and remembering Megan’s cellphone pic with Grayson Gilbert! “They” said she committed suicide, but he believed she‘d still wanna be there. If Elena really cared about Megan, she’d like sunflowers. And yes, he has a name. Rude, much?
GOOD TO THE LAST DROP
As speculated last edition, Nadia and Katherine were still holed up in a sleazy hotel room, Nadia making prank calls to Steflas while Kat drained countless bags of snacks lounging across a bed (did it have a slot for quarters in the headboard? lol). Nadia had what Steflas wanted–The Bimbo. Too bad his psycho ex-fiancé had turned off his mind control so he couldn’t find them! :P Well, maybe so, but he was rapidly getting up to speed on modern tech!
Ever heard of cell phone tracking, Nads? Click. Time to fly, Bimbo! Kat snarked advice about not pissing off the diabolical ones, and needing FOOD! And while they were at it, why not just let Steflas have his little sip so they could all go their separate ways? Hey, bitch, don’t offer to hand yourself over until you have the big picture. Steflas needed EVERY. SINGLE. DROP. Um, drive-thru, anybody?
DO NOT BE ALARMED. YOUR BRAIN HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY DOPPELGANGERED FOR THE NEXT SEGMENT SO READERS CAN BE TWO PLACES AT ONCE. WITCH CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.
Our two locations: Chateau Salvatore and The Mystic Grill.
The players: Rosetta Stone Jeremy, argumentative but instructive Damon, guest-witch GhostBon at The Chateau; Steflas and Damon at The Grill.
Ready, set, GoScrambleYourBrains!
Damon brought nobody who didn’t already know up to speed on Bonnie’s psychotic judgment lapse in bringing Jer back from the dead. Damon just happened to know a supe desperate for death, and in the spirit of Nature balance and all, he thought that death would be a HUGE waste if they didn’t take advantage of it. Oh, and by the by, Elena didn’t need to know unless it works, wink wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
The Rosetta Stone went postal–Damon wanted to work with Steflas? Back to instructional mode, Damon reminded all of us Silas’ whole plan had been to get reunited with
Madonna Amara, wherever she was. Damon wanted to trade Steflas’ death to bring back Bonnie. In order to die, he’d have to be mortal. If he’s mortal he flips back to witch, and if he dies as a witch, he’s stuck on The Other Side and can’t get his piece of Af-terlife.
Jeremy wisely remembered Silas tried to get The Veil down once and failed, but GhostBon interjected he might have a Plan B, and might wanna destroy The Other Side completely. Powerful spells gotta be bound to something more powerful (oh, god, NO!). the Moon, a comet, a doppelganger (a bar of soap, yadayadayada). The Other Side was created 2000 years ago, so whatever it’s bound to has to exist, too.
Damon wanted to roll back to Square One. If Silas destroyed the Other Side, cured himself, became a witch, was it supernaturally possible that he could do a spell to swap himself for Bonnie? Here was where the Rosetta Stone took WAY too many liberties in translation! GhostBon said it was possible, but Silas was ruthless and untrustworthy, besides the dreaded CONSEQUENCES being too big a risk. No, no, no, no, and did I mention NO?! Which Jer translated as, “She’s IN!” Bwahaaa!
Picture this (wound in and out of the last paragraph–humor us): Steflas arrived at The Grill in response to a call from Damon. Steflas needed help and Damon was *cough* The Help. He obviously sucked bad at suicide, Damon could help! Steflas put a name to the binding bit of witchery–a mystical Anchor binds Qetssa‘s spell to The Other Side, and he wanted to destroy it.
Qetssa was the only one that knew where it was hidden, and she would be at Whitmore Historical Ball. Bingo! Damon was confused. With his witchiness on the fritz, how’d he know that? Well, his fritz may be fried, but his eyeballs weren’t! He’d spied her getting a Cleopatra costume! SO! They had half a deal. Steflas was okey-dokey with resurrecting Bonnie, but in exchange for what? Um, killing Stefan. WHAT?!
REMEMBER THE LOUBOUTINS BUT FORGET GAY PAREE
DATELINE–Greasy spoon somewhere on the long and winding road: Well, Katherine’s ‘appetites’ must be fed, so we caught up with her stuffing her face like a baglady. Nadia was up for a little game of 20 questions, since she‘d been tailing Katherine for 500 years. If Kat gave the answers, she’d be home free! Well, that sounded like a plan to Katherine! Nadia delved into the old familiar 1864 vampire round-up story of Mystic Falls. Had Katherine sold out a bunch of friends for that and why? Well, we already knew the answer to that. Easy come, easy go! When she was running from Klaus, everyone was fair game. She’d impersonated a teenager to get a couple of ex-boyfriends to make out with her, staged a fake fight to trigger Uncle Mason’s werewolf gene, chopped off douchy Uncle John’s fingers with a butcher knife–wanna know any other sellouts, Nads?
How about ripping a mother away from her daughter and having her killed, Katherine? Nads had gotten herself turned (Editor’s note: Okay, we retract our statement about not believing Nads was a vamp–but she got the WEAK veiny eyes! And who‘d she get to do it? How’d she keep that a secret from The Travelers? Hmmm.) so she could hunt Katherine. She did it because Katherine killed her mother in Paris in 1645. Her mother, Lily Atoma, had taken Katherine in when she was on the run from Klaus. His minions got there, and Kat pulled the classic move, pointing at Nads‘ mother, “There is Katerina Petrova.” So they offed her.
That’s when Kat got the point of the story. Nads wasn’t ever gonna let her go (and didn’t want her to ‘go’ hungry). As Nadia pulled on her jacket for them to leave, Kat spied a handy wooden walking stick draped strategically over a booth nearby. BAM! She may not be a vamp anymore, but her aim with a substitute wooden stake was true as ever! SCRAM! Outa there!
LOST IN TRANSLATION
After Damon had gone off to set up the Steflas sting, GhostBon was irate with Jeremy about lying to him on her behalf. She did NOT say do it! Oh, so it was fine and dandy for him to lie all summer to everyone that she was on vacay, but not for a chance to bring her back? Lovers spat! GhostBon fiercely defended her position she’d brought Jer back because Elena needed him, but now Elena needed HER. How many times did Jeremy need to get caught up in the dreaded CONSEQUENCES before it got through his hulk brain? Playing with magic always cost dearly. To Jeremy, nothing was worse than being able to see and talk to her, but not be able to touch her. It wasn’t enough anymore. Let Damon try.
We know by the time the next Whitmore College social function rolls around that Caroline will be large and in charge–she already emailed in suggestions for decorating the Historical Ball! Freshman my ass! Bonnie and Clyde made their entrance arm-in-arm, looking Depression Era dapper.
The couple was spotted by a rather lushy James Dean–Stefan was several bathtub gins ahead of them and in the mood to dance! Damon the VIII (Bwahaaa!) pulled out his cell from a *ahem* secret location to text Steflas that Stefan was on premises. Damon was joined by the lovely Elena-Anne Boleyn, still nursing her ’I feel guilty because I lived it up all summer while my best friend was rotting’ mood.
Damon tried his best to talk her out of it, especially since Jer had lied to them all summer. Well THAT didn’t help a bit, she shoulda figured it out sooner. She’d decided she would substitute not figuring out Bonster’s death by figuring out what happened to Megan–and there was No-Name ‘friend’ in a pitiful tuxedo tee excuse for a costume at the punch bowl. Ex-squeeze me. Damon-dump.
Miss Pre-Beheaded Boleyn bounced over for a little convo (read: interrogation). Why does she wanna know who he is? Nothing a little compulsion can’t fix. No, he did not kill Megan, and he acted shady because he had survivor’s guilt. Everyone around him dies, friends, family. He felt cursed. Now if THAT didn’t just strike a familiar chord with Elena! Oh, my! She had him forget everything, and appeared sorry she‘d pried. Aaron, his name was Aaron.
It wasn’t exactly Cleopatra’s bombastic grand golden entrance into Rome, but Qetssa did part the throng of guests upon arrival at the Historical Ball. And made a bee-line straight for Stefan, alone still throwing ‘em back at the bar. Haha! He had no idea who she was (or practically anybody else, for that matter). Come here much, sailor? lol Oh, she was the memory eraser? While she was flirting it up to him, Damon came along to ‘save’ him from her clutches.
They trailed off to a secluded side room, and Stefan wondered why? Um, so a guy that mysteriously looks just like you can waltz in behind! SNAP! Damon broke Stefan’s neck, allowing Steflas to steal his leather jacket and daylight ring, plus regain his psychic powers! Yep, that severed the link Qetssa had put in place, and he could read Damon’s mind again! Maybe he’d enjoyed that Bro-snap a wee bit too much? lol Steflas would go back out there and read Qetssa’s mind in search of the Anchor, and Damon just needed to keep Stefan DEAD. Was Steflas seriously going back out there and try to fool Qetssa? Hey, The Face had won her heart before!
Forge back into the fray Steflas did, and weren’t they cozy? Little drinking, little dancing–maybe the ploy would work! Despite the tequila and bacon jokes and the cheesy beautiful smile crack! Steflas. You need some new pick-up lines. At least they made it to the dance floor, right past Tyler and Caroline.
She was all ready to go and try out his new single dorm room with a view of a pair of handcuffs, but Ty seemed to have other things on his mind? Trouble in paradise! We digress. Steflas almost blew his cover when he brought up Qetssa being stood up at her wedding, but he was SMOOOOOTH! She’d caught him asking around about her. Flattery will get you everywhere, you sly, charming dog! The ex must have had some redeeming qualities, he was Obviously handsome. ROFL! Maybe since she’d been after him for 2000 years she still loved him? Not a chance.
Well, damn, he just wanted to hear her say it–big ego and all. SILAS! Too late! Where’s the Anchor to the Other Side? She didn’t know, was looking for it, too. The Travelers hid it after they killed her (huh?), and they move it constantly. Why was she at the Historical Ball, then? Her pendant that enhanced her powers is in one of the historical displays. She needed it to do a locator spell and find the Anchor. Well all righty then! Forget everything we just discussed! Thanks for the dance, sweetheart! Just after Qetssa walked off Steflas got a HUGE migraine because Stefan woke up!
Breaking his neck, pumping him full of vervain, how would the old/sane/in-possession-of-his-brain Stefan have felt about all that? Was this about Silas or about proving Damon was the better boyfriend? Hey, now, bro, Damon was gonna get her best friend back. Annnnd just like that, Damon snapped his neck AGAIN! Poof, no more Steflas headache! Damon texted him to “Hurry up!”
MYSTERIOUS ASSAULT VICTIM AND PERP DISAPPEAR
The deadly assault with a questionable weapon reported earlier took a turn for the unexplained. Just how did the victim end up in a dark alley, once again being accosted by her attacker? We found Nadia trying to remove the caning Katherine strategically gave her (just creased the heart–how convenient!). Why the fake Mom story? By 1645 Katherine had eluded Klaus for 1 1/2 centuries. NONE of his cronies would have mistaken the identity of Klaus‘ Most Wanted.
Katherine epically failed Nads’ test–just wanted to get her goat. Katherine DID kill her mother, just not the aforementioned way. She killed her in an English cottage on April 6, 1492 (history buffs, write that down!). Mom was all alone after her family disowned her two years earlier. Put a noose around her neck and pushed her off a chair. Handy our photographer just happened to catch the action!
Then the EPIC pronouncement. “My name is Nadia Petrova. You are my mother.” Poor bebe!
A CASE OF DR. JEKYLL AND MR. “HIDE”
We knew the Lady Elena-Anne Boleyn would run into Dr. Dickfield at some point during the festivities, and sure enough, there he was, disguised as Dr. Jekyll (much more appropriate than Elena‘s guess of Abe Lincoln). Since he made it a rule to never dance with one of his students and pointedly said she’d never be one of them, off they went to trip the light fantastic. And what was Mister Hiding–lying on RIP Megan’s death certificate? Dickfield lied again–he hadn’t wanted falsify the death certificate, but mountain lions rarely attend frat parties. His ‘theory’? A vampire hunted her down, ripped out her throat, and threw her off the roof (have you been reading the MFM, Doctor?). Elena wondered aloud what he knew about vampires (scoffing unbelievably). He new enough (yeah, we bet), but it didn’t matter, since they would never see each other again. ‘People’ were watching her and her friends. She should pack up, drop out, and move back to Mystic Falls. How was THAT for an unVeiled threat?
Tyler wasn’t exactly hiding on the stairs, but that was where Caroline caught up with him. Our spies KNEW this was coming! He couldn’t do college right now. Not wanting to lose yet another boyfriend, Caroline tried to be reasonable–it was all her fault, she’d been over-pushing and being her usual control-freak self. The unicorn and rainbows version was he was back and they were together! Yay! Tyler felt like the only reason they were together was because Klaus gave them permission (and that sucked). Klaus killed his mom and got away with it (is this a trend this week?). Car wanted him to give school a chance, but Ty didn’t come back to give it a chance, he came to say goodbye (#47). It was all about the revenge. So Klauslike!
BREAKING BAD BROTHER
Remember when Damon rummaged through stuff at the Mystic Falls Founders’ Council party looking for that crystal? Well, Qetssa was imitating him ransacking the historical displays searching for her talisman/pendant. Convenient there were no guards, docents, or other guests perusing the displays! Did that pendant not suspiciously remind you of the one Shane gave to Bonnie (made out of human bone)? *shrug* Off to the nearest fireplace for a little chanting! She apparently was successful in locating what she was looking for (Anchor, anyone?) when Steflas walked in on her meditation.
Did he mind-jerk the info from her, before that pesky migraine came back? The REAL Stefan had awoken again in another room. Watchdawg Damon suspected as much, but Stefan played possum until Damon got close enough to head butt, then OH, SNAP! lol Take THAT, fothermucker! Steffy was TIRED of neckin with his brother!
50 SHADES OF GREYSTEFLAS
Qetssa was still trying to figure out why Stefan had fallen to the floor in a heap at her feet, unless he was a Cleopatra worshipper. The REAL Stefan walked in, startling her–that’s Silas. Ever seen anybody punch themselves in the face? Bwahaaa! That’s exactly what Stefan did, then ripped his daylight ring off Steflas’ finger. Steflas was working with Damon and lying through his teeth. Well Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! She mindbulleted Steflas–he‘d never find the Anchor. Even though she was doing her best painful mindcrunching, Steflas was up and gasping. She couldn’t kill him–SHE LOVED HIM!
Yes, once, you SOB, but broke her heart, just like she was gonna break his! And she proceeded to reach into his chest and do a little open-heart massage–deep tissue style! She’d stop his heart from working, no blood flow, and his veins would dry up EVER so painfully. And they did! 50 Shades of GreySteflas!
FAMILY TREE PRODUCES BITTER LOW-HANGING FRUIT
As the party was winding down (after all, the ‘fun’ peeps were occupied elsewhere), our paparazzi caught Aaron attempting to leave. We weren’t the only ones that caught him–DICKFIELD! He demanded Aaron’s keys–do professors substitute as designated drivers? Or just the Fun Police? Or maybe the mildly uncool legal guardian–WHAT?! Aaron forked over the keys, but asked for a little dough for a cab–since Dickfield managed the purse strings on Aaron’s trust fund. DOUBLE WHAT?! As Mr. Stingy shelled out a few bucks, he warned Aaron to stay away from Elena Gilbert. Since he cared about Aaron and all. Whatevs. (Editor’s note: Are we about to connect the dots between Aaron, growing up ‘friend’ Megan, Snidely Dickfield, photobombed Grayson, and Elena?)
THE PARTY’S OVER
Damon had reawakened from his necknap, and wandered in to find 50 Shades of GreySteflas where Stefan and Qetssa had left him. He was standing over the body when his DATE wandered in as well, thinking it was Stefan. It ain’t Stefan, sweetie! WTH, Damon? Qetssa had her way with him. Well, Elena thought that was a good thing, right? Nope, ‘twas a very, very bad thing!
MOTHER’S DAY CELEBRATED
ANOTHER sleazy hotel? Kat and Nadia gotta stop meeting like this–our travel correspondent‘s getting cooties. Katherine had apparently destaked Nadia and rented out another fleabag for her recovery. Silas might not find her–she was pretty good at running after all the practice she‘d had. He didn’t need her yet, anyway, until he figured out how to destroy the Other Side. If he Cures himself before that, he’d be a witch again, who couldn’t off himself or he’d be stuck without his piece of af-terlife. Big nagging question?
Katherine wanted to know where Nads was in 1498, um, like when she was eight years old? How should she know? Why? Katherine had ditched all her Klaus tails by then, and gone back to Bulgaria searching for her baby. Awww! Tea and sympathy–nice to meet you, kid.
NEVER SAY NEVER (AGAIN)
Caroline found Ty back at the dorm packing. She’d been thinking (uh-oh). She wasn’t gonna have this convo again (please? Thank you.). She wouldn’t sit there waiting for him to come back (again). He should love her more than he hates Klaus. We knew by the way the sad music was swelling in the background how this would end. Tyler headed for the door, and Car threatened him, ‘One more step and we’re done‘. He left. Is Forwood tearfully, finally broken?
IN COLD BLOOD
Damon and Elena had drug 50 Shades of GreySteflas back to the couch at Chateau Salvatore. Would YOU wanna drive a couple of hours after all that drama? She’d filled Damon in on Dr. Dickfield’s shady knowledge of vampires, and his threat she should drop out of school. Wrong people, right questions.
She only knew finding out about RIP Megan wouldn’t bring Bonnie back. Neither would dried-up Steflas on the couch. The only way for Steflas to trade-in his life for Bonnie’s would be if he’s a witch. And the only way to get him to witchidom is if he takes the Cure. Yep (pop the ‘p’). Knock knock. How timely! Katherine! She’d gotten a call from Damon, was on the run, and didn’t seriously have time for Damon’s urgent pit stop. Ooh, lookee! Steflas!
Katherine was giddy, the stop was SO worth it! The Odd Couple had finally done something RIGHT! Um, Katherine, we KNOW what the Dastardly Damon Eyebrow look means! Thrilling! No, Damon, NO! He needed ALL her blood and it would kill her! So, sorry, sweetheart! How about 50 Shades of Just Like Katherine Fed Jeremy to StoneCold Silas, ring any bells?
Damon grabbed her *shudder* and fed her to Steflas. Held her gushing throat to Steflas face until the color started reappearing and Steflas could take over.
THUD! She finally slid to the floor. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.
Katherine Pierce eludes death yet again (sounded like a headline, ya think?). Kat takes a lickin, but keeps on tickin? Was she in hell, or what? OMFG!
(Shoutout to the ‘In Cold Blood’ reference–anyone that remembers hearing Robert Blake’s heartbeat at the end of that old movie…..SHUDDER!)
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
It was a thrilling week of psychotic secrets plus one, but we hereby pronounce this week’s Woobie Word of the Week as: WINKY-FACE!
WATCH IT AGAIN
Those who missed this episode of The Vampire Diaries or wish to watch this or any other episode of the series again have the opportunity to do so by purchasing the season on DVD. Watching the series on DVD is an outstanding option because it does not have any commercials and allows viewers to get through multiple episodes in one sitting. Anyone who is interested can find great deals on The Vampire Diaries and many other TV series on DVD by shopping online. These online retailers also tend to have a much better selection than other stores, making it easier to find most shows.