Mystic Falls Messenger
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee…or Uncle Steve, Honoria Fell, Giuseppe Salvatore, Mama Salvatore, Uncle Zach, Bonnie Bennett, Stefan’s brain, etcetera, etcetera…
Editor’s note: We apologize for the lateness of this edition, but the editorial staff seems to have ingested some leftover vervain and is suffering from brain-fried burnout! Ruthie patiently waited with the hottest pics in town!
EPIC DESIGNATED DRIVER FAILURE RESULTS IN ANOTHER SPECTACULAR ONE-CAR CRASH
THESE FUN-LOVING PERPETRATORS ARE STILL AT LARGE. DO NOT APPROACH–CHARMED AND DANGEROUS. IF SPOTTED, CALL CRIMESTOPPERS! (OR THE EDITOR!)
A stolen black Mustang ended up as parts in the second unexplained one-car crash near Mystic Falls in as many weeks. Witnesses claimed it was a pair of car thieves, rumored to be driving distracted by bickering over a couple of old handwritten books, forcible lack of littering, or possible leadfoot pedal to the metal. Mustang Sally better slow that Mustang down (or not deploy the e-brake with the speedometer buried!)! Was this a joy ride or jacked up?
NEW FORBESOLOGY CLASSES OFFERED AT WHITMORE COLLEGE
In campus news, Elena checked in with bestie Caroline by phone, seeking absolution for leaving Damon in charge of Stefan’s vampnesia episode. Alert the Girl Scouts! Predators on the loose, and they won’t want the cookies! Caroline had been busying herself with a little vampionage of her own, studying up on every ’ology’ in the books (and on TV), all in the name of fixing Stefan.
Or in the name of buttering up resident creepy Professor Dickfield to crash his biology class and practice a little biology of her own with Jesse, haw-t lab assistant with a swirl fetish. Maybe she could uncover
Jesse Dr. Dickfield’s part in covering up RIP Megan’s death by vampire. First mission–creepy first date back in Mystic Falls for one of the few society events she wasn’t in charge of!
POSSIBLE HOOTERS TAKEOVER AT MYSTIC GRILL
The entirety of Mystic Falls turned out for this week’s celebration of Remembrance Day, Mystic Falls’ morbid small-town upbeat Day of the Dead celebration. Every time a bell rings, an angel tosses back a shot? We caught up with the car thieves, Damon and Stefan, tossin back a few at the Mystic Grill.
Damon explained the historical 1820’s significance of paranoid premature cholera burials (buried with a string attached to an above-ground bell while the family waited on tinkle watch). Boring tradition–Stefan, now at least convinced he was a vampire, was more interested in cutesy waitress’ jugular. Rather like a recently paroled long-term inmate let loose in a Hooters wet t-shirt contest. Roll back your fangs, Stefan, you’re droolin.
Late to the party was Elena Who? How depressing was that? Damon was supposed to be schooling Stefan on the last couple of centuries and he hadn’t even MENTIONED Elena? Stefan trailed off after Hooter-babe up at the bar, while Damon and Elena had an old married couple discussion about Elena being Queen of Nature versus Nurture and whether or not Stefan’s vampnesia brain was still suffering from Rippah guilt. Oh, and how they’d both tried to call Bonnie-Wan-Kenobi to un-witch Stefan’s noggin.
Just when they thought it was safe to let Stefan be Stefan, uh-oh, where’d that blood-sucker and Hooter-babe go? STOREROOM! Stefan sure remembered compulsion tricks all right! Just when he was about to get a hunk-a-Hooters, Damon to the rescue!
CAMERAS CATCH NETFLIX ARMPORN, VIRAL QUARTERBACK SNEAKY
Social outcast Jeremy was more interested in entertaining GhostBon (and her apparently gossipy ghost friends) with a few shirtless pushups at Chateau Salvatore. He’d been avoiding all their friends so they couldn’t beg him to get Bon to help with Stefan’s memory. Since they were still clueless she was dead and all. Speaking of clueless, Jer got a desperate call from Matty on his bat armphone, come over right now!
He needed to fill Jeremy in on his wacked out evening of waking up covered in mud (thank you for clarifying for our readers, Matt!) with a strange knife in his pocket. He drew a total blank (again), but didn’t think the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing had anything to do with his blackout. It was more than likely the freaky Czech bitch in his head, since Silas couldn‘t mind control him. Did we say freaky? Why did Matty have nanny-cams all over the house? Hopin to shoot some secret porn vid? Here came the begging–where‘s Bonnie-Wan-Kenobi, she‘s my only hope!
Lie Number 47, Bon was supposedly in DC with Abby. Was she pissed off at him or something? Matt had sent about 300 emails over the summer and she answered like two of them. C’mon, Jer, help Matty get in touch with her, he was going cra-cra! Abrupt Jeremy exit!
OBITUARIES THEN AND NOW
What’s a Remembrance Day celebration without a few obits? Our loving triangle found their way to a much safer (and less populated) locale, through the partying cemetery straight to the Salvatore family crypt. Ah, memories. Right past the scorecard of SalvaBro victims. Ring our bell! Honoria Fell (Stefan), Dad Giuseppe (rack up another one for Stef), Damon on the scoreboard with Uncle Zach, Momma Salvatore (freebie–neither one did it! She died from the archaic term for TB, consumption. We SAW you questioning that!).
The trip down memory lane was interrupted by a text from Jeremy–he needed to see Damon ALONE, thank you very much! Leaving our former happy couple very much alone.
Elena began recounting her unhappy family history–the ‘rents (both adoptive and bio), her guardian (*sniff*), and her brother–but Jeremy’s death didn’t take. Two-plus-two, Stef, YES, the Jeremy living in your house (following Elena‘s tragic psycho arson trick).
Somethin was kickin in, because Stefan started turnin on the Old Steffy Charm about then–how did he not remember Elena? Oh, come ON, did that not sound like a pick-up line? lol Well, maybe not the crack about being bonded by death, but we KNEW where their memory-jog was headed when the conversation drifted to meeting not first at the cemetery, but…
WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?
Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, The Lone Stranger rides again! (Sorry, couldn’t resist!) Elena took Stefan back to the scene of sublime, the Boys Bathroom at MFHS. Y’all remembered that fated collision with a stranger, didn’t you? Fun though it was, it didn’t ‘ring any bells’ with Stef. Oops.
Bloody athletes in the hall were kind of a distraction, so Elena took Stefan outside to do a little sightseeing high atop MFHS. He did well gettin up there, guess his skills weren’t completely lost to vampnesia. Elena reminisced about when he had whisked her to the top of the ferris wheel–oh, yeah, Damon hadn’t gotten to their coupledom yet, but Stef wasn’t a complete idiot.
Still playing detective, he guessed maybe they weren‘t together anymore because of his Rippah tendencies? BUZZ! Wrong answer! He’d been the most compassionate, sappy, romantic she’d ever known. Oh, so he was boring? Nah, it was her. After she became a vamp she changed. How‘d she get fanged? Did we hear a more recent ‘yesteryear’ bell ring?
AT LONG LAST LIPLOCK
Back at the cemetery, Caroline had Jesse on a blankie in the grass pretending to study wierdology amidst the bell ringers. We suspect Jesse was more interested in studying Caroline’s anatomy than the relationship between predator and prey. She was a fast learner, and so was Jesse–invited him to the party because he was smart, nice, and wanted to hang out with her? My ass. SMOOCHEROO!
Damon stormed into Chateau Salvatore, demanding Jeremy call Bonnie ASAP. How does one tell somebody something without Actually saying it? He couldn’t call her–nobody could. GhostBon KNEW what Jer was about to do, and begged him not to. He’d been lying to everybody all summer, and he couldn’t keep it up with everybody at him to get Bonster back to save the day. SPEAK ENGLISH, JER! Damon was in NO MOOD!
Think about it DumbDamon. Jer came back from the dead, and they’d been beat over the head with magic finding a balance. Clean out your vampears, doofus, and listen! Jer was NOT supposed to be there. Doofus brain clicked in. No. Don’t say it. (C‘mon, Bon, did you really think that weak plea for him to shut up would work?) If you say it, everything goes to crap, Little Gilbert, put a sock in it! Bonnie’s dead.
THOUGHT HE TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY IT, DAMMIT! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!. SNARL!!! Just when we thought Damon might rip his head off, OMG! He crossed that carpet something fierce and wrapped Little Gilbert in a huge, near tears Jerbearhug.
BLASTED BLAST FROM THE PAST
Stef and Elena had ended up at Unlucky Wickery Bridge. If he’d been there both times she was in tragic accidents, how did he not save her both times? The second time he’d saved her best friend Matt, like an idiot. No, he’d been the perfect boyfriend that had valued what her wishes. While he was busy wrapping his head around their murky past, he’d discovered her ploy was working. His urge to feed had calmed. He wasn’t remembering, but he could see why he’d been different around her, and kept the monster at bay. Oh, but she was never scared of him.
She recalled how she’d touched his face the first time he‘d gone all veiny in her presence. Here came the beauty of the near kiss–kinda like the Near Touch, complete with chemistry. Sorry, she’s with Bro now. Huh? Neither of them thought to mention that? Poof, he was HUNGRY again! And POOF! He was gone!
Sometime later, we got a private screening of the latest in home video. Matt had finally dozed off on his (*ahem* Tyler’s) couch, only to awake with a bloodied palm. Hold up! He had it on tape! (Didn’t Jackson try this on Teen Wolf last year, only to find 18 minutes of footage missing?) Sometime during his slumber, he’d gotten a phone call, and dropped into
Klingon Czech-speak. Who’d called? Was it that wench Nadia, or was she still holed up in a sleazy motel eating potato chips with Katherine?
With a whole new ’tude (and an Eastern European accent), he’d ambled up to the camera to speak ’personally’ to himself. GRATT! The Traveler has become the Passenger! All Matt needed to know was that Gratt’s friends would come looking for the trusty-rusty knife, and he should protect it at all costs. To reinforce the threatening pronouncement, he’d sliced his own (Matty’s) palm, just like it would be Matt’s throat if anything happened to the blade! And who knew Matty could work a computer?
STARBUCKS TAKE-OUT COMING TO A CEMETERY NEAR YOU
Damon finally screwed up the courage to call Elena, needing to be the one to break the news to her about Bonnie. She was at the cemetery, hunting for Stefan–she’d LOST him! And he was FREAKIN HUNGRY, with a whole graveyard Chock Full O’ Nuts! Yes, Elena, the graveyard IS full. DUH. People are DYING to get in there.
Stefan was there, all right, filching booze and running into Caroline (recognized from various mug shots, not memory). He was well on his way to spiraling into Rippah oblivion, how convenient was it that Jesse walked up right then?. And how creepy was it that Stefan knew he had a wicked paper cut?
Whew–Car compelled him to go hide. If he can’t ‘do’ people, did she have any bloodbags handy? Oh, sure, she always keeps a few spares in her car. ZOOM! You been punked, Caroline! Stef’s gone!
Jesse did NOT hide very well! He called Car’s cell, not knowing how he’d ended up in a crypt (um, Chez Salvatore!). IT’S SHARK WEEK IN STEFAN’S MOUTH! CHOMP! What a place for a non-Stabrucks commercial, just as Stefan was havin a double-shot Tall Mocha, hold the whipped cream!
Stef stopped himself for a little chit-chat explanation to Jesse about how he usually ripped people‘s heads off. See how good he was? LEMME OUT LEMME OUT LEMME OUT! As Stefan inched closer and Jesse‘s eyes got bigger, he remembered he had fried brain, an ex who‘d two-timed him with his own ancient brother, and questioned why he bothered being ‘good‘. Who wants a refill?
Caroline responded to Jesse’s phone call just in the nick of time, pulling Stefan off while Jesse still had a head on his shoulders. Stefan may not remember, but she remembered that ‘this’ wasn’t him. He was better than this awful Rippah person. In a blood-daze, Stefan stumbled out of the crypt, needing distance. Car was too busy healing Jesse with her vamp blood before he exsanguinated all over the floor to go after him.
EAT TELL JUST ONE
Once Jeremy started spillin, he just couldn’t stop himself. He ran right over to the Donovan-Lockwood Mansion. He didn’t care about Matt’s revealing threat-porn, DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!
DEAD RINGER DISCLOSED
Where had Stefan gotten off to? Back at Chateau Salvatore, busily burning his precious journals in the fireplace as Damon and Elena arrived back at home. Um, do we talk the crazy person down or what? He no longer wanted to be the person in the diaries, didn’t want to live there, didn’t want his *ahem* brother’s advice, or to be supportive to Elena anymore, and didn’t want to discuss it. He wasn’t gonna Rippah-out on them, Car had promised to call him every hour on the hour to check on him. He actually TRUSTED her.
Ouch. They just got dumped. Bwahaaa! Buh-bye, Steffie! Elena went all emo, prematurely. They needed Bonnie to fix him, he couldn‘t stay like that. Um, Bonnie’s dead, Elena. Ruh-roh.
THE LAST TO KNOW
The grapevine in Mystic Falls goes on hyper-drive once there’s a secret in the works. Stefan met up with Car back at The Salvatore crypt the next day. He was feeling better, or at least hadn‘t ripped anyone‘s head off since the night before. He’d wandered around thinking and ended up in the most maudlin place he could find. He could tell something was wrong in The World of Caroline.
Bonnie, the friend he didn‘t remember? She was dead. She would explain, but didn‘t want to have to think about it. Stefan tried to comfort her, having sensed their connection. He wished he could remember her. Well, Car wasn’t so sure having memories was such a good thing–they hurt so damn much. Bon was gone, she didn’t know where Tyler was, and how was she supposed to move on without them? Well, she had Stefan–from what he could tell, it sounded like she’d always been there for him. Let him be there for her. Awww!
Remember when Elena went spazoid cleaning out Alaric’s office after he died the final time? Well, she was back in spaz-mode, all her funeral clothes had burned up in the Gilbert House, and she was supposed to be strong and know how to handle this shit now, and I can’t, I can’t, I can’t keep doing this–Waaaaa!
She cried to Damon that Bon had given her life so Elena would have a brother, and she didn’t even KNOW it! Damon just let her cry it out on his shoulder, and how SAD was it that Bon watched this whole scene from the bedroom window?
Break out the tissues, it’s another FUNERAL in Mystic Falls! Well, somewhere in the woods nearby, anyway, our group assembled in mourning around a mystical stump in the forest. Bearing remembrances: Jeremy had a picture, Caroline a pom-pom, Matty’s lifeguard whistle, Elena with *sniffle* white feathers, Damon with the once sought-after grimoire. And there she was, the ghost of the hour, Bonnie.
They needed this–she needed this. Jeremy rang her bell and launched into a his voice but her voice eulogy. She wasn’t going anywhere, and she’d been there all along. She’d watched them happily have the summer of their lives, and they’d go on. She had personal remembrances for each of them, bringing forth sappy tears and watery smiles.
Especially from Caroline, who’d maybe thought something was missing from her newfound college experience–until it wasn’t. TYLER! White rose in hand, to add to their gifts. The only one missing was Stefan. *sigh* But it was good–it was all Bonnie wanted.
And the music played on as we saw our circle of friends embracing and sobbing through Jeremy and Bonnie’s clasped hands. WAAAAAA!
SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES
Dry your eyes! Was that RIP Megan’s Microsoft Surface Dr. Dickfield was playing on back at the college?. He had Jesse on his exam table, pronouncing that his vital signs were normal. Well how disappointed was he that Jesse was normal? Dickfield wanted the deets on what had happened. He’d gone to a party in Mystic Falls with Caroline and the rest was a blank. Maybe he’d been totally sloshed. Nope. Dr. Dickfield knew what was causing the memory loss. Dude, you have vamp blood in your system! Either he was in need of some vampire healing, or somebody wanted to turn him. The Professor guessed he’d been injured, then compelled to forget.
Guess that secret society he’s in knows a LOT more than they were letting on! Talk about your cool, calm, and collected! Jesse was all ‘What?!‘, but the Doctor had good news! Having vampire blood inside was Step One to creating a noOb vampire. This here lethal injection is Step TWO! ____^____^____^____^____FLATLINE!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Well, our vampnesia edition was sure kickass hammered with witchy-wooed secrets, but we found this week’s Woobie Word of the Week to be: JONESING!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!