Mystic Falls Messenger
Welcome back to the most highly opinionated publication not in print…Most small towns have a newspaper that is a glorified gossip rag. This is one of those rags!
Editor’s note: Welcome back Ruthie’s incomparable screencapping prowess! She’s dusted off the camera and caught our favorite candids!
Dateline–Mystic Falls (and places unknown): What did YOU do last summer? We ferreted out a few notable recollections from our most notorious Mystic Falls residents for your consideration. Seems this was the summer of VACATION, STAY-CATION OR PLAY-CATION.
Elena Gilbert spent the entire summer playing house with her new playmate, Damon Salvatore. When they weren’t busy trying out every surface in Chateau Salvatore (thanks to Steflas for the new rename), deciding ‘who’s on top’, and calling out for pizza so little brother Jer didn’t starve, Elena e-mailed absentee…
Bonnie Bennett. Rumored to most (well, all but the Dead Control Freak Social Secretary Jeremy) to be traveling with Abby, sending postcards from the Grand Canyon and back, and not answering voicemails. Apparently Bonnie can beam herself to anyplace, anytime, but just how was she managing to get those postcards written and mailed as a ghost? In actual fact, Jer was in possession of her cell phone, and answered dictated texts and emails as faux-Bon. While we’re at it…
Jeremy Gilbert spent three glorious months of reanimation, staying out from underfoot (and other body parts) of his sister and her new beau, meeting Bonster apparently in Matty/Tyler’s back yard, but just how did he manage not to be seen by anyone in town? Except our paparazzi, of course!
Caroline Forbes invested in stock in Bed Bath & Beyond and The Container Store, strategizing the girls’ entire dorm room for the fall with Liz Mom slave labor. Oh, yes, and still incessantly calling Tyler Lockwood, off leading some wolf pack in Tennessee, whilst Caroline lined up his entire college schedule, application, yadayadayada. And used up a TON of packing tape.
Matt Donovan and Rebekah Mikaelson lived up (down?) to their promised World Tour of Debauchery, aka The Education of Matthew Donovan. Among other cities, they hit Paris, Amsterdam, and Prague, getting hit themselves by a gypsy jewel thief threesome neither expected. Bex only lost a pair of earrings to the wench, but Matty lost….OMG the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing (and his one-at-a-time innocence)! Hey, Bex swings both ways, but does Matty?
Ah, Katherine Pierce. New old human, skanked around dark streets in a nondescript baseball cap, the WORST excuse EVER for smoky eyes, and rockin some used to be dreadlocks bedhead. Humanity did NOT agree with her!
Who have we left out? Glub, glub, glub. Three months later, Stefan Salvatore was still blowing bubbles in the good old Pierce & Franklin at the bottom of the quarry! Was this a summer theater remake of The Little Mermaid starring Stariel, or a poorly planned scuba vacation sans equipment?
BACK TO SCHOOL, GILBERT-STYLE
Back to school eve found Elena finally coming back to the Real World (no thanks to frisky, red-toweled Damon). An e-mail from Bon had her wondering why nobody’d heard from Stefan, and what was that nagging feeling (and vision) she had that something was awry (and not dry)?
Elena wasn’t the only one doing BTS prep–Jeremy had a well-rehearsed speech ready to resume life in the Real World, a sorrowful tale of loss, drugs, booze, and teen-angst attention getting. Heavy on the drugs and the accidental fake-death fire. Too bad we never got to see him deliver it, but apparently he did, with the support of GF Bon (Girlfriend? Ghostfriend?), providing moral if not physical support. Just a little reminder besties can touch but they can’t feel…
LOCAL CO-EDS GET FRESHMAN-Y AT WHITMORE COLLEGE
Following a fond (and lingering liplock) farewell at Chateau Salvatore, Elena wistfully left Damon Daddy Daycare with Caroline (and still slave-labor Liz) making their way to the ivied halls of Whitmore College. Rumored to be a ’few hours away’, but our fair residents sure popped in and out of there like magic bunnies last season! Our Whitmore College correspondent never saw a more luxurious or spacious dorm room ever! Now that Car can bend Elena’s ear without coitus interruptus, she was back in full effect, nagging and judging just like Old Times! Shacking up with Damon had been a horrible yet completely reversible mistake, and those ‘dreams’ Elena was having–GUILT! NVM, Miss Bossy, THEY MADE IT! COLLEGE! ALL THREE OF THEM! Wait, wha? Ah, well, just ignore the GhostBon taking it all in with you–she frequently got the third-wheel treatment even when she was a corporeal human!
EXTREME DORM MAKEOVER, FORBES EDITION
Liz got the girls settled in their rather luxurious first-year digs, bid each of them a fond farewell, and reminded Elena that Whitmore was where Grayson had ’fallen in love with medicine’. Hmmm. Must be some really good reason for bringing him up, ya think? Upon her departure, the pair COMPLETELY ignored the third bed in the room, choosing instead to unpack Caroline’s extensive necessities and celebrating with bloodbag toasts! Car carried on about that mini-fridge incessantly pre-graduation, it shoulda been gold plated! Hey, that knock on the door was NOT Housekeeping! Heeeeere’s dorky geek Mona Vanderwaal lookin Megan, their NEW ROOMIE (oh nos, the “A” Team is at Whitmore!)! Talk about yer eyebrow raising ‘ICK’ looks being exchanged! How rude! lol
Yes, readers, Megan introduced our new product placement for the year. We’ve traded in ‘Bing’ for organic linens, a humongous juicer and a Microsoft Surface Tablet! She’s apparently DEAF, too, since she didn’t hear Elena’s complaining call to Daddy Daycare Damon about the roommate situation.
He agreed with Caroline, compel her ass out the door, but Elena was bound and determined to give it the old college try. Damon had to hang up rather abruptly after reporting Jer got to school safely, um, he had a HOT MESS to clean up in the living room–KATHERINE!
Festivities were celebrated in the town square with the world famous Mystic Falls End of Summer Block party kegger, hosted by Mayor Rudy Hopkins and catered by our own Mystic Grill. Mr. Worldly Matt was back manning the beer tap, with a noticeably nekkid ring finger. Bouncy Bex bopped by, even though she was leaving town, just to get another taste of Bartender Up Against the Bark and sing a few choruses of ‘You‘re Gonna Miss Me When I‘m Gone‘, to the accompaniment of no strings attached. Matt went back to Real World workin stiff, so maybe he could replace the street-rat jewelry thief Nadia‘s pilfering? Hmmm. Maybe horny teenager Jeremy would understand how a three-way outweighed her theft of the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing, too!
Among the wandering guests we spotted a real ‘character’ wandering the crowd. Mr. Shady plopped down at a table with Liz, just back from her Whitmore College drop-off, and would she like some KETCHUP with those fries? (Ewww, bad pun.) Never trust a dude who whips out a big-ass knife the minute he says hello. Steflas! How shocked were we that he outted himself to Liz pretty as you please, while slashing her wrist for a little gaping Liz snack. Yup, they’d met before in another form, and The Kids just ‘thought’ they’d gotten rid of him. Steflas was his True Form, Stefan being his doppelganger, but that confused Liz–why the knife and not the neck? Puleez. Praises be and pass the ketchup, he settled the age-old question. HE came first, the chicken AND the egg. He’s unkillable, immortal, psychic, and to function he needs human blood. He’s NOT a disgusting, perverted vampire, thank you very much! Cheers! He’d take that Styrofoam cup-o-blood to go, got a lid? Liz apparently didn’t have the info in her cranium he needed, so just tell everyone Stef stopped by to say hello and forget everything else, um-kay?
COLLEGE SOCIETY NEWS
Somewhere on the quad: Two and a half roomies were attempting veiled ’you’re not welcome’ chitchat about boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and missing boyfriends. Seriously, could YOU explain Elena and Caroline’s love lives in 25 words or less to someone that’s acting like a clueless dip? Speaking of private lives, Car laid down the Roomie Rules of no touchin my shit and no askin questions about my whereabouts. Ever. Got it? Thank goodness THAT awkwardness got interrupted by Flyer Guy Jesse with news of a PARTY AT WHITMORE HOUSE that night! And he was DOWN with a little swirl action, from the eyes he made at Caroline (blonde roast, anyone)!
MFHS FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL MARRED BY SCUFFLE
Following Jeremy’s unseen groveling explanation of how he was alive (sorry ‘bout your memorial, he heard it was nice), Jer was back in the good ole halls of Mystic Falls High. Well, now, it seems Young Gilbert retained some (hmmm, how many?) of his Hunter traits, as he beat the begeezus out of two bullies making fun of the ‘dead guy’ that returned to school. Not nice, guys, Jer’s clued in to how to deal with school bullies. Except he got expelled for it–we learned this detail when Principal Weber called Chateau Salvatore to report the incident, and Jeremy’s hasty departure from school. Now if Elena was at college already, how’d they expect her (ahem, Katherine) to answer the phone at Chateau Salvatore? Damon Daddy Daycare couldn’t snatch the phone quick enough!
As if Katherine wasn’t already getting two sheets to the wind on Damon’s bourbon–she has a tiny tolerance problem, now that she can’t swill it back with the rest of the vamps. Drinking her problems away? Damon decided she was miserable (uh, ya think?), and snarkily offered a wrist and a bite of the daily mailman to turn her back.
What’s this? Kat’s AFRAID to turn back? The first ever to take The Cure, what if she couldn’t revert, and would just be…dun, dun, dun…DONE? Permanent dirt nap. She needed Damon’s ‘help’, his protection, someone had been chasing her, and she got freakin blisters running in heels!
WE INTERRUPT THIS EDITION FOR A BRIEF HALLUCINATION. Blurb, blurb, blurb. In between gasping for air bubbles and redying, Stefan passed his time hallucinating conversations with Damon. Big Bro being Big Bro, his advice was expected. After three months of agony, why not just (all together now) TURN IT OFF? Wouldn’t take the pain away, but at least it would shut down the misery, fear and hopelessness. Part of Stef’s waterlogged brain held onto hope that he got out of his watery grave, and what then? Rippah on the loose? Nope, too hard to recoup from! Nothin like arguing with your own hallucination!
ROOMIES OR DOOMIES
Back at the Whitmore dorm of doom, Caroline busied herself violating the Roomie Rules, snooping through Megan’s stuff while she was in an ‘extended’ shower. Which, we might add, was a private ensuite shower, rather than down the hall and share with 57 other coeds! Curiosity killed the CA
TR! The precious mini-fridge was filled with MonaMegan’s PROTEIN water? Maybe if Car just DRANK all of it there’d be room for some blood Capri-Suns before they spoiled…EWWW! Laced with vervain! Car’s sputtering brought Megan out of the shower, and after some fast tap dancing about how she shouldn’ta, sorry, Megan went back to her spa. FREAKOUT! They’re DOOMED! Car was certain Megan knew they were vamps, but Elena tried to defuse the doom–vervain-laced refreshments didn’t mean she knew anything about them, no conclusion jumping! Seriously? They share a bathroom!
Car in full freakout is not easily deterred. What if she was a Hunter? What if she staked them in the shower or stole their daylight rings? Kidnap the wench, dry out the vervain, and compel her ass! Nope. New Gilbert Rule: Best way to convince Megan they were normal was to do normal freshman-y stuff, like go to the Whitmore House party!
FRAT PARTY FALLS FLAT
Car and Elena attended the previously announced Whitmore House party–in a manner of speaking. Outside they ran into Flyer Guy Jesse, still hot for some Jungle Love with Caroline. Meh. She was still not interested–Tyler and all. Yeah, right. He hadn’t called, and didn’t REALLY seem interested in the whole college thing. :P Well had Elena mentioned to Damon she was having DREAMS about Stefan? For besties, Car and Elena sure snipe at each other a lot! Ruh-roh! BAM! Whitmore House must be owned by a living human, because our fair pair couldn’t get across the threshold! And who was there to witness it? You guessed it. MonaMegan. Fawning waiting for someone at the door, our two Miss Cheesy Smiles acted awkward as Jesse passed through the door, and Megan took off to go partay. Ahem! There was Car’s proof. Megan knew.
To cover their tracks, Elena rang up Megan, leaving her a voicemail making their excuses for not staying at the party. Car was all for jumping Megan when she left, but Elena still wasn’t convinced–no way they were just randomly mated with a Hunter roomie. Ring! Ring! Megan called right back, but not about the excused absence, somebody was AFTER her! Running, gasping, begging for help–with Elena trying to make more excuses why they couldn’t come inside–Megan should come outside…WHOOPSIE! SPLAT! What was that greasy spot on the lawn behind them? Why, it was Megan, with her throat ripped out, fresh off the roof! That Whitmore House sure knows how to throw a PARTY!
THE WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Try out Damon Daddy Daycare reading off the Kiddie Menu to Truant Jer: A day in school is NOT like a day without expulsion! How about a big mouthful of Bullies ala ICU? Follow that with two scoops (and three days‘ suspension) of Principal compelling–don’t pass go and don’t collect no more school! Daddy said clean your plate and your sister won’t have to know! On the adult menu, Damon got a surprise serving of Hello, Brother (we wished–what a missed opportunity!), tenderized with awkward Stefan (?) backslapping hugs.
Moving to the bar, drink specials include I Know Why You Didn’t Call Me Back Last Summer Wine, or go for the top shelf Over You Stole My Girlfriend on the rocks. Happy Hour is best served over icy Katherine’s At The House Kooler, with a dash of I’m Always First bitters. Shaken, not stirred.
Speaking of icy shakeups, once-a-Hunter-always-a-Hunter Jeremy sure got the chilled Steflas slap on the shoulder welcome! With a little prodding from GhostBon, Jer figured it out. When Bonnie died, the magic that bound the Stone Cold Silas Spell broke–he was FREE! Damon was not convinced. Until Jer asked what Steflas wanted…um…Katherine was at Chateau Salvatore?
Indeed she was, straight-razoring it down her gorgeous gams in Damon’s bathtub! It was about time that skank took a bath! Geez! Human upkeep is SO inconvenient! Katherine’s primp time was interrupted by none other than Steflas, acting all Elenaless Stefan-y. Oh, you know that minx ate that shit up! Right up until he seized her by the throat and attempted to drown/choke her. Straight razor to the rescue, and to Steflas’ cheek! Grabbed a robe and bounded down the stairs, right into our two Fearless Fosdick’s who had figured out what Steflas was after! Damon shot a quick instruction for Jer to ‘get her outa here, don’t tell me where you’re goin’ before he confronted his non-brother–drop the Stefan look, dude! You don’t wear it well!
SUICIDE HINTED AT COLLEGE CRIME SCENE
Returning to the scene of the crime, as paramedics pulled the sheet over dear, departed MonaMegan’s face (EDITORIAL NOTE: Sure she’s dead? Theoretically, if she splatted with vamp blood in her system…just sayin), Car and Elena tried to make sense out of the debacle. Dead roomie, partying vampire, no way to know what Megan knew or who she told. Uh-oh, Elena had left a message on her voicemail! Blonde does not always equal dumb! Car had lifted the corpse phone–WHAT?! Elena didn’t even have time to freak, as the Head of Campus Security, Diane Freeman, approached to offer her sympathies for the roommate suicide. Huh? ‘They’ found a note, struggling with depression, yadayadayada. Car went all ’suicide my ass!’ but had to backpeddle really fast when Freeman asked if they’d seen Megan’s missing cell phone. Um, uh, we’ll let ya know if we find it! WTH was going on?
ONE-CAR ACCIDENT NEAR OLD MILLER ROAD LEAVES ONE INJURED, ANOTHER MISSING
Back at Chateau Salvatore, Steflas rummaged around in Damon’s noggin, finally explaining to his non-brother how he and Stefan weren’t twins, evil or not. That pesky old Nature had retaliated when Silas became ‘truly immortal’, making a killable version of him. A Shadow Self.–voilà, STEFAN! Fine by Damon, but The Cure was history, so why’d he want Katherine? That was for Steflas to know and Damon to find out!
In addition, did Damon reeeealllyy think Stefan would go live in a yurt while Damon and The Love of Stefan’s life screwed like bunnies without so much as a phone call? Steflas had Stefan, he was sufferin, and he wasn’t givin him up till Damon got Jer to bring Katherine back. So there! :P
Jer never got on with Kat, anyway (hey, she was the reason he died the last time!), so he was all about the U-return the minute Damon called. Conveniently on speaker, so Katherine panicked. She thought Steflas was influencing Damon to bring her back (he’d NEVER turn ME over, NO WAY *giggle*), but Jeremy was peddle to the metal headed back to Mystic Falls. Screech with the emergency brake, squall with the tires as Katherine grabbed the wheel, and WHAMMO head-on into an electrical pole! It’s a wonder anybody’s got insurance in this town, how many wrecks have we reported in the last four years?
Jer was thrown clear (and bloodied) of the SUV, barely clinging to consciousness as Katherine extricated herself from the mangled mess and limped off into the darkness. When they didn’t return and Damon couldn’t raise an answer on the cell anymore, he got worried–well of COURSE Steflas could read that straight from his brain!
GhostBon has radar for this kinda crap, so she was right there, urging now lifeless-looking Jer not to bleed out before help arrived. HEADLIGHTS! Damon to the rescue! Don’t die on me, you little punk, I’m in charge! With a quick infusion of vamp plasma and a few anxious words, Jeremy began to blink. Ah! What a huge sigh of relief! Damon didn’t give a shit that Katherine was gone, he CARED about Jeremy! *sniff*
GYPSIES, TRAMPS AND THIEVES
No, it’s not a Cher remix, it was an uninvited guest at the Mystic Falls Block Party (remember that? Bet you forgot!) No way that was thieving gypsy Nadia walkin through Matty’s turf! He followed her into the alley off The Grill, he sure as hell remembered how she’d gotten him and Bex drunk and robbed them! How’d she find him, anyway? More important question was why–there it was, the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing. Wasn’t hers to take, and she was returning it.
Before you waste too much time scratching your head over THAT one, who was that strange talkin trampy lookin dude that snuck up behind Matty, grabbed him in a head massage, and pulled a #Supernatural black-eyed demon pass out on him? What was Nadia, her ‘friend’, and why was Matt a puddle on the ground?
UNEXPLAINED BREAK-IN AT WHITMORE DORM
Elena and Car had skedaddled back toward their dorm room following Megan‘s untimely demise, with Car deleting the semi-incriminating Elena voicemail from the not-so-missing cell phone. Criminy! Their dorm room had been broken into, questionable roomie Megan’s tablet and so-called suicide note were gone–Car smelled a cover up. Elena even got into the CSI spirit of things, going through the pics on Megan’s phone for clues. And BINGO! Whatever was happening, it wasn’t just about Megan! Why was there a pic of Megan and GRAYSON on her phone? The plot thickened!
Once the girls settled down for the night, Car checked her voicemail–figures she’d missed a call from Tyler during all that drama. Unfortunately, it was a mini-Dear Jane call (bet he was glad he got voicemail, whatcha think?). He’d decided to *ahem* ‘defer’ school for now, the wolf pack needed his guidance. At least she couldn’t kill him via voicemail (oh, you wanna bet? We think if Caroline really wanted to she could make his ears BLEED in ten seconds or less!). She wasn’t outraged, she was crushed. Here she’d planned their big college reunion all summer and he’d let her down. Vamp hearing and all, Elena had heard everything, and could hear Caroline’s sobbing. At least they had each other. *sigh*
REARRANGING THE DECK CHAIRS ON THE TITANIC
Let’s check in on Stefan again, shall we? His hallucination of Damon knew he was actually considering flipping the humanity switch. Yeah, it might take a while to pull out of Rippahville, but he didn’t deserve the agony he was enduring. He’d done the right thing, walked away and let Damon and Elena be happy, it wasn’t fair. Just turn it off.
Almost, almost….WAIT! New hallucination, Elena! Stay with her. His humanity is what makes him Stefan…please, for me? Now we all KNOW how Stefan reacts to Elena begging….
Speaking of Elena, she and Damon finally caught up on a ragged day’s events by phone. Damon conveniently omitted some very important details: the wreck, Steflas, missing Stefan, Katherine back, or Jeremy expelled. Um, parenting by example, Damon? He didn’t lie, he just left out some stuff so Elena wouldn’t come running home to help. She was busy with her own intrigue, figuring out what the Grayson-Megan connection was. Damon could figure this out on his own (famous last words).
SUMMER ENDS WITH A BANG (AND A WHIMPER)
Mayor Rudy Hopkins finally rounded out the traditional Mystic Falls block party with a little family core-values community speech, lovingly witnessed by GhostBon in the audience. We sensed a bit of annoyance when who he THOUGHT was Stefan interrupted his remarks. Not now, Stefan, I’m politickin here!
Steflas had a little speech of his own to deliver, shuttin down RudyTooty with a look! OMG, Bonnie KNEW it was Steflas! What be happenin? The crowd grumbled, so Steflas took the mike. How’d he stifle a political speech they were only politely enduring? Well, now, basic mind control, peeps! One mind at a time! He’d been gorging on blood all summer long, and wanted to stretch his legs and see how many he could influence with all that power. Are six enough? Are twelve too many? Maybe the whole freaking town square? Louder grumbling. Shaddup, stiffs! Okay, that worked. Steflas was ready to go one further. Don’t make a sound, don’t move a muscle. What was this? Mystic Falls just got a whole SLEW of new statues!
All except GhostBon, still watching in fright. Was Steflas just testing his statuary, or did he somehow KNOW GhostBon was watching when he calmly slashed Rudy ear-to-ear…will someone take that damn knife AWAY from him! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! GhostBon rushed to her dead-before-he-hit-the-ground dad, sobbing over the carnage. Well! Now that Steflas had everybody’s attention, he needed a favor. WTF? He needed them to find a girl that looks exactly like Elena Gilbert. Ready? GO!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Welcome new readers! As a refresher or for the unenlightened, a woobie (named for a child’s security blanket) is that character you want to give a big hug, wrap in a blanket, feed soup or (to quote our favorite person‘s tweet “show some love & cuddle on couch with”). It’s a term of endearment (like “baby“); someone who is so cute/sad/adorable you want to hug and comfort them. Well, in the world of The Mystic Falls Messenger, Damon is, was, and always will be The Woobie! So each week we pick out one word (okay, sometimes a phrase) that he uses in the show that makes you wanna squeeze the stuffins outa him! The first Woobie Word of the Week for Season 5 is (drum roll): PB&J!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!