Mystic Falls Messenger
With heavy heart and fond farewell for the summer, we bring you the most highly opinionated publication in print. We’re closing like we opened, just a small town newspaper that’s a glorified gossip rag.
Editor’s note: A standing round of well-deserved virtual applause to Ruthie, resident screencapper extraordinaire for another action-packed season! There ain’t no rest for the wicked, but the Editorial Staff is takin a five-month hiatus! Oh, my, did we say FIVE months?
FUTURE OUTLOOK BLEAK FOR GRADUATING SENIORS
MFPD inexplicably failed to investigate reports of an unruly flash mob threatening to mar graduation festivities at the local high school. A huge group of vagrants was spotted trolling the freshly decorated MFHS football stadium in advance of commencement activities. Neighbors awoke to public address system tomfoolery, overhearing a broadcast of menacing statements. Some reported an eerie, foreign-sounding male voice, spouting a sermon-like oration about massacres of
lions, tigers, and bears, oh my hybrids, witches, and innocents. The group dispersed quickly after broadcasting a threat to unleash Hell on Earth. Rumor has it the mob was a group of dissatisfied drop outs all previously named Most Likely Not To Succeed. Film at eleven (or when the full moon rises).
SEVENTEENTH TIME’S A CHARM FOR SERIAL GRADUATE
Pre-commencement celebrations took place at Stately Salvatore Manor this week, complete with a raucous Bon Jovi boogie, alcoholic beverages, and wall slamming welcomes from invited guests. The eldest Salvatore was not overly thrilled with Stefan‘s invitee, formerly dead best friend Lexi.
You remember, the one Buzzkill Damon‘s slept with, dumped on a hot tin roof, and eliminated from the land of the present via public staking. Stefan made NO attempt, drunken or otherwise, to prevent Lexi from exacting her ghostly revenge on Damon. Discretion being the better part of valor, Lexi opted NOT to waste her limited time in the present on Damon. Whew!
Mr. Mom Damon judgied it a touch odd that Little Bro and Company were boozing it up instead of noticing the Blasts From The Past meant Miss Bonnie’s dance of the seven veils (maybe only two, since the Expression Spell was localized) had apparently flopped big time. Shouldn’t Stefan be sacrificing his own happiness for the good of others? Upstairs grooming his hero hair? Hell, pass the bottle and guess what went wrong!
TSUNAMI SPELLS TROUBLE
In related news, ghost of her former self Bonnie was trying to weasel out of graduation via phone with Caroline. Car was, as usual, organizing graduation festivities at MFHS, passing out caps, gowns, and yearbooks. Car was NOT taking Bonnie’s excuse she needed to await the full moon to recharge her witch batteries. Graduation was the fricking MOST important rite of passage in their young semi-lives, and Hell could freeze over before anybody backed out on The Great and Powerful Forbes! Bonnie was in no mood for snark as she looked over her own corpse.
Caroline called it Friend Day in the name of love, leaving Bonnie alone in her under-school death chamber. Well, except for her former self and Grams. Good old Sheila wanted Bon to attend graduation as well, volunteering for corpse-sitting duty so Bonnie could at LEAST say goodbye to her classmates. She didn’t have the backbone to fess up yet another cadaver in the pile to friends who had been through so much already.
PICNIC IN THE
REST IN PEACE PARK
With the clock of existence ticking, Alaric, Jeremy, and Elena opted for an alcoholic burger binge at the local cemetery. Where else do three dead people go for grease, hooch and a little camaraderie? We call foul that there are dietary restrictions on The Other Side! The friendly dysfunctional former family shenanigans at least brought out the smile Elena had stowed since she was part of the Land of the Living. So she’d done horrible things–Jer wasn’t wasting their tick, tock, on the clock with tears, invoking the No Crying Rule. Even if they were happy tears stemming from Elena having her humanity back. This wistful happy Hallmark moment was broken up by, what else?
The pesky cellphone, buzzkill of the century. Oh, wait. Caller ID said it was The Grill–must be Matt. Only it wasn’t. Hello, Elena, it’s your old dead friend AssHatRack Connor. WIPE THOSE HAPPY TEARS OFF YOUR KISSER, THE DEFECATION IS ABOUT TO HIT THE OSCILLATOR! Yes, readers, Mr. Peabody is cranking up the WABAC (pronounced ‘wayback’ for you younguns) Machine to feature the best and worst of the nicknames from Hell!
CITY IMPOUND LOT INVADED BY SQUATTERS
Intruders broke into the City impound lot of abandoned vehicles this week, wreaking havoc on the inventory! Possibly graduating seniors Matt Donovan and Rebekah Mikaelson were not part of the pilferers, but HOSTAGES of the Boy Band of Resurrected Hunters. Download their new single, “Blow Me To Kingdom Come” on iTunes before it blows up the charts! Don’t forget to shop their workout video, “Best Butts, Best Chests, and Whitest Teeth in 24 Hours Or Less” while supplies last! The hostages were guarded by that pre-Renaissance Porn Star Alexhander, we KNEW he was more than just a pretty face! The Hunter’s Mobile Meth Lab was still in pristine condition, complete with an updated arsenal of the 21st century. Didn’t take Alex long to figure out AssHatRack Connor’s advanced stash beat the crap out of sticks and stones!
He wasn’t actually ‘holding’ Matty and Bex hostage, but it might be a touch difficult for Matt to part with the blow-up boogie board he was standing on–with anything intact. Kickin in the Southern Gentleman, Matt encouraged Bex to leave and save herself, but nuttin doin! Bex demanded to know what the ransom was, even though Alex was paying more attention to the amazing find of siphoned werewolf venom than to his former shack-up. What the Brotherhood Boy Band wanted was to fulfill their destiny! Did they want to be on American Idol? Do they have the X-Factor? Call in and vote! 1-800-NO-SILAS.
UNINVITED GUESTS MAKE AN IMPACT
An unexpected delivery showed up at Stately Salvatore Manor–Damon answered the door not to the florist, the pizza delivery dude, or a singing telegram. It was 007 ¾ Vaughn, Galen Vaughn, right down to the James Bond handgun pose and the unfriendly fire. He delivered a STINGING telegram to Damon‘s left upper chest, straight from the mouth of always unseen Qetsiyah.
A verbal punch was simultaneously being delivered to RIP Picnic Elena by AssHatRack Connor. The Brotherhood Boy Band wanted Silas and The Cure. He couldn’t squeeze blood outa Elena’s turnip, but the Brotherhood could sure squeeze the visiting horde of human relatives and friends in town for graduation! Superhearing Ric motioned for Elena to keep Asshat on the phone ala ‘I’m gonna get that sucka’ and took off. It wasn’t a call trace, it was diversionary tactics! (Editor’s note: We were a bit brain scrambled as to which of whose pre-death supernatural attributes carried over, but in Ric’s case, he kept the vamp powers at least! And boy, were they necessary!)
SEMI-DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY (OR A NAP, OR …)
Following Vaughn’s unwelcome delivery, Damon sat down and de-bulleted his shoulder, discovering the assault weapon in question was one of Jarhead Asshat’s toys Vaughn had borrowed (NOT good news–wooden lead). Oh, geez, Damon didn’t kill Vaughn, what was his beef? Don’t rile the houseguest, Damon! No, Damon hadn’t killed Vaughn, he’d left him for dead on Fangtasy Island where he succumbed to starvation (Hunters, after all, still required human sustenance so Vaughn made a quick trip to The Other Side). That meddler Qetsiyah looked him up and scolded him about his supernatural Cure/Kill Silas destiny.
Stefan ended Vaughn’s story by sneaking up behind for a little meaty sounding temporary dead-again action (Editor’s note: Our antiquated spy-cam isn’t wide-screen, so we’re a little uncertain if it was via heart-rip–the important thing was Vaughn hit the floorboards!) (Screencapper’s note: It was!! lol – see screencap above)
GRADUATION SPECIALS AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Elena managed to keep AssHatRack Connor on the phone long enough for Alaric to get to The Grill. Today’s menu featured lie-through-your-fangs Silas and The Cure, to go. Connor didn’t find the Stranger Trainer a la carte offering appealing. Self-Defense Against The Dark Boyfriends Coach Ric sampled the AssHatRack strapped with C-4. You want that straight up or over easy? Ric’s bar, Ric’s rules, Ric’s takeout! Don’t forget to tip
over your barmaids and waitresses before you run for the door! Today’s fare was BOMBTASTIC!
SHORT STUDY IN BEXING YOUR EX
Speaking of bombs, Pressure Plate Matt was still balancing the thought of Sweet (immortal) Rebekah whisking him off the boogie board against his naughty bits surviving six exploding vehicles. Bex was fraught with anxiety, so Cool Head Matt distracted her with thoughts of graduation. Did she plan to go to college or maybe travel? Oh, Matty, small talk NOW? Just because he’d never get outa One Horse Mystic Falls didn’t mean she shouldn’t.
Bex made up her mind she was gonna show Matt his dream life, starting with The Little Matrimonial Chapel of Salvatore Umbrien A, Italy. Yes, we dug in the archives for that just like Bex got her digs in on Alexhander! Their whirlwind romantic journey would include a springtime visit to The Northern Lights, followed by Simatai Gorge from atop The Great Wall of China, and every inch of
herself The Louvre–sounded like a ‘date‘ to Matt! Once they were ‘done’ with this annoying Alexhander setback, it was ON! They’d never be stuck like miserable ghosts on The Other Side. Bex finally hit a male nerve in Alexhander with her taunts, riling him to hurl a knife at Matt. The save was almost worse than the threat, since Bex jostled Matt’s balancing act when catching that missile. Close call!
FASHION TIPS FOR THE GRADUATE
Fashionista Katherine caught up with Bon-Bon, sporting her unbecoming red cap and gown over at MFHS pre-ceremony. Kat always wears black, WTH does she know about color coordination? RED is the new BLACK! The Ghost of No One hadn’t killed Katherine off yet, so she was there not to deliver the customary monetary graduation gift, but to COLLECT on Bonnie’s promised gift of immortality. Nobody sent Qetsiyah a commencement invitation, so no-show, no-spell, no luck!
That got Kat’s thong in a wad, don’t remind her that Beloved Doppelganger Elena had stolen all her luck! Kat’s Shadow Self (remember that term, it‘s gonna bite ya again later!) was livin La Vida Loca, and if Bon didn‘t pay up, Elena was a goner! Kat should know better that to threaten the Little Witch that Could (crush her skull in a heartbeat), but not with an audience! Uniform of the Day was arriving caps and gowns and disappearing Katherine!
THE ONE AND ONLY GIFT GUIDE FOR THE GRADUATE
The transition into adulthood can be difficult, but presents are The Cure to growing pains in Damon‘s shoulder, right? Elena tentatively approached Damon in his (gasp) bedroom, intending to talk about ‘stuff’. He only wanted to talk about his very special graduation present for her–The Cure.
She wasn’t taking the only cherry-flavored Red Bull in town, since the Brotherhood Boy Band was willing to wipe out said town if they didn’t get it. Okies, try again. Damon flirtily placed it in her hot little hand, teasing her to take the damn thing, “I want you to take it.“ Was this a final exam? After a covetous examination of the vial, she slapped it right back in Damon’s palm. Nope. Well! Guess that answered the sire bond question. Damon implored Jeremy lurking in the doorway to help convince her. Blood’s thicker than bond, Jer would love her whatever Elena chose. Dammit, Little Gilbert!
BOOK OF THE DEAD MAKES A GREAT GRADUATION CHOICE
Lexi and Stef were downstairs with Vaughn’s cadaver, trying to figure out the non-existent Rulebook of the Dead. With the full moon clock ticking and The Veil still down, Vaughn died, went to The Other Side, and returns? Lexi headscratcher. She reminded Stefan he was missing out on the Great Cure Debate going on upstairs. Eh, his suggestions about Elena making her own choice didn’t seem to work out so well in the past. What they should REALLY be up there debating was the bigger issue of Elena’s returned emotions sans sire bond. Elena probs knows EXACTLY what she feels now. Hmmm. Lexi wondered if those feelings might be for Stefan instead of Damon?
Much as we’ve suspected, Stefan finally put voice to the fact that Elena was the love of his life and he’d go back to her in a heartbeat (if his undead heart did, in fact, ever beat). BUT! If he wasn’t the chosen, maybe it would motivate him to get off his ass and move into an Australian yurt! (Google it–we had to!) Cheers to that and bottoms up–including Vaughn’s woozy bottom up off the floor!
WE INTERRUPT THE GREAT ELENA GILBERT DEBATE UPSTAIRS FOR A PAINFLASH!
Damon argumentatively defended his position that Stone Cold Silas no longer needed The Cure…OUCH! He wasn’t droppin his man-card for a little pain, even when Elena demanded he take off his shirt! No disrobing in front of the kiddos! lol Debate over! Why hadn’t that bullet wound healed? Dick Hunters laced their loads with werewolf venom, no big.
ELENA PANIC MODE! We need Klaus, STAT! Yeah, right, like he wouldn’t rather see Damon die than give up his hurricane hooch barstool a thousand miles away on Bourbon Street. Leave it to the kiddo to come up with a solution! What about The Cure? Elena thought it a brilliant solution–if Damon was human, the wolf toxin wouldn’t hurt him! And not five seconds ago she’d been so staunch about saving all mankind–didn’t Damon just hear Vaughn awake downstairs?
We already reported that, catch up, Damon! He DID catch up, and Vaughn caught The Cure Damon pitched at him! Comin, Vaughn? Let’s go dig up Silas! Count the jaws on the floor after THAT exit (Stefan, Lexi, Elena, US!)!
TAKE A FLYING LEAP (BUT DON’T FORGET THE SCUBA GEAR)
Damon took Vaughn on a little Bobbing for Silas expedition! Beautiful scenic vacay spot where he’d dumped Silas at the quarry. Closed off to hikers, no food for animals, endlessly deep water, did he forget to tell Vaughn to bring scuba gear? “X” marked the spot where Damon had dragged Silas’ stoneass, pointed it in a general direction, but kinda lost him tumbling through the weeds to the rocks below. Was Vaughn any good with Physics (distance = velocity x time)? Vaughn was NOT amused.
MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION ROCKS IMPOUND LOT
Our EOD Team was still contemplating the conundrum of Matt and Bex cozied up over a loaded boogie board. Bex was afraid Matty would fall if he kept on with the ‘nice ex’ jokes and made her laugh. Confidentially (though the EOD Team could overhear), Matt told Bex he was sporting the GetOutOfDeathFreeRing so just MAYBE a detonation wouldn’t make a Matty puzzle outa him. Fool! Bex didn’t want to take any chances on him AND the ring blowing into a million naughty bits!
Only one way to find out, and the First Bex Rule of Truly Living is to do what you’re most afraid of–so she planted a big, fat, wet one right on Matty’s mouth! Didn’t THAT tongue tango take his mind off of her substituting her weight for his on the boogie board so he was free?!
She can’t be killed by Da Boom and he couldn’t miss graduation, RUN, FIDIOT, GO FOR THE GOAL LINE! Duck and cover! Alexhander came out of The Mobile Meth Lab just in time to eat Matty’s dust. Bex had FINALLY chosen one of the Good Ones! KABOOM! HOT CLEANUP AT THE IMPOUND LOT!
DON’T MISS A KODAK MOMENT BEING TARDY TO THE PARTY
Our hidden Salvatore Mansion-cam caught Elena pacing a hole in the oriental rugs, ranting to Stefan about The Hunters giving Silas The Cure. Calm down, babe, it’s a stall! Damon hadn’t had time to stash the stoneass yet, but she didn’t need to know anything else. Ha! What, if he told her he’d have to shoot her? Fine, excuse accepted, but Damon was still dying! Chillax, Chiquita! Vaughn only got off one good shot, the bullets were only LACED with venom (slower acting), Stef had a little time to get to NOLA and retrieve Klaus himself.
Jeremy walked in with cap and gown, Elena was GOING to graduation, no ifs, ands, or ButIDidn’tSendInMyCollegeApplications about it. Mom and Dad would kill her if they didn‘t have a graduation photo (um, dead already? But then again, so are Mom and Dad. lol). Jeremy OBVIOUSLY couldn’t attend since the whole town knew he was dead, but Lexi could keep him company. Suit up, Seniors!
THRILLING MFHS COMMENCEMENT PACKED WITH DOZENS OF SPECTATORS
FROM THE MFHS NEWSDESK: Eager anticipation swept through the students and guests gathering for the annual rite of passage. Caroline caught up with Bonnie, just as she was leaving Klaus a testy voicemail that he’d better not have dumped her yet, she needed his ass PRONTO to save Damon’s life. ‘This message will repeat every ten minutes until you show up, Buster!’ Already on edge, Car demanded to know where everyone else WAS?!
Matt arrived breathlessly (he‘d been making summer plans and dodging death by Hunter), closely followed by Elena and Stefan. Smiles and hugs all around, we overheard Elena thank Bonnie for ‘today’. Little did she know…Caroline was blissfully ignorant of their state of disunion. No crying! They MADE it! Was it the last hoorah before ‘they’ went off to college? Elena hadn’t sent in her applications, and nobody knew former Bonnie had a future problem. Perks of being a vampire! Go to whatever college they wanted, didn’t a TRIPLE DORM ROOM sound peachy? Squeee! Group hug! Even the guys!
The festivities began with Mayor Rudy Tooty Fresh N Fruity welcoming the adoring (or not) crowd. A big round of congratulatory applause later, it was right down to the name calling. (Editor’s note: Noticeably absent from the ceremonies were Bex-In-The-Wind *guffaw*, apparently on-call Dr. Meredith Fell, the uninvited Kelly Donovan, and speaking of mothers, where was Sheriff Liz? Out investigating TWO mysterious bombings or perhaps looking for Damon who’d seen his brother graduate sixteen other times?) In no time the Mayor proudly announced his own daughter’s name, the lovely Bonnie Bennett.
It seemed to give him pause when she thanked him–FOR EVERYTHING. Chalk one up in the “Goodbye” column. Two graduates later a rousing cheer went up for Matt Donovan. HE FREAKIN PASSED ITALIAN! Next up in the alphabet order were our own Caroline Forbes and Elena Gilbert. But who was that seat-filler lurking behind proud and happy Bonnie’s chair?
Kol, fresh out of the cement grave Stefan had stuck him in! Look around, Little Witch! My, my, there was Car-stabbed Aja, YoAdrian Hybrid from WAY back at the Christmas massacre–the crowd was literally riddled with two dozen supernatural vengeance seekers. They’d all been sacrificed to make her damned Expression Triangle, and were just itching for the nod from Kaptain Kol. His former self hadn’t wanted The Veil to drop, but now he didn’t want it back up! Pick a side, Kol! He and his ‘friends’ now wanted the rest of the Dance of The Seven Veils complete so they could live on Earth. Dance, Little Witch!
GIFT WRAP FOR THE BOXED PRESENTS
Ceremonies complete, Bonnie ’escorted’ Kol through the underground school boiler room to her death chamber. Why’d he change his mind about Hell on Earth? Oh, been there, done that, got the Hades T-Shirt and wanted back on Earth. What ho? Egad, woman, is that you on the floor? Yup. Bonster Body, smack dab in the middle of the floor. They were now on the same ’side’–she didn’t want to be on The Other Side, either! Sell it, sister! Parents, dorm room redecorating, friends, what an Academy Award performance! Cool beans! Let’s DO this thing! WHAMMO! Invisibox to the rescue! Bwahaaa! That should hold Kol till The Veil went back up! (Rolling Stones head stereo playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” in the background.)
THE PLOT (AND THE POISON) THICKENS
Still at the quarry, Vaughn peered over the edge skeptically while holding Damon at gunpoint. Is that a really nasty hickey or was something wrong with Damon‘s neck? Ding, ding, ding! Smack your own head, Vaughn, the bullets in that gun were venom laced, doofus! Don’t insult the Man with the Gun! Blam! Take one in the leg, Damon! The trip was a ruse, Damon knew he was marked for death! Brilliant deduction, Vaughn, now that he had The Cure safely strung around his neck, where was Silas, really? All Vaughn got in return was a sneer. Blam! Take one in the chest, Snarky! One more round ought to finish Damon off in minutes. WHERE THE FRACK WAS SILAS?!
Once again, Ric’s retained vamp powers came in VERY handy when he materialized like a blur, snapped Vaughn like a twig, and hurled him over the edge into the murky water below. Miss me, honey? By the by, I got yer Cure, Damon, hangin right here from this leather thong I just filched–not as dumb as I look, am I? Teehee!
HAIL MARY, PASS THE ANTIDOTE!
Graduates and guests were still milling about the stadium as Ric rang up Stefan, ranting that Damon insisted on saving the damn Cure for Elena. Vaughn would be up and running again soon, and there was NO TIME for another Hail Mary call to Klaus for an assist. Ric would force-feed Damon The Cure before he just stood there and watched his stubborn ass die! Hello? Stefan?! Can you hear me now?
No, he couldn’t, as our vamp trio was paralyzed by an excruciating ringing in their ears like the Gilbert device! Parading behind the grandstand came the tribe of semi-dead witches led by Aja. (Elvis called, Aja. He wants his lip snarl back.) Remember us, Caroline, you bitch?
(Thanks to teamklausbitch for the gifs)
Out of nowhere flew a deadly Frisbee mortar board–it was KLAUS doing an impeccable Oddjob impression! Off with her head! How ya like me now, futhermuckers! Crisis averted, by nightfall Damon was back to his old, healthy, shirtless self. Elena caught him coming out of his shower *sigh*, cheerfully proclaiming himself ‘fresh as a daisy’! SLAP!
Ooh, snap, Lexi and Alaric heard that all the way downstairs without even trying! Stefan reminded his sidekicks it wasn’t polite to eavesdrop–but Lexi wanted to enjoy what little time she had left! Her work upstairs done, Elena came down to ask where Jeremy was. He was off on a Bon run, but would be back before, well, you know. Yeah.
Elena wanted a private moment with Stef in the other room. ROFL! How private is ANYTHING in a house full of vamp ears?! The self-appointed Protectors of the Knucklehead Scoobies distracted themselves with a discussion of the less that five-star accommodations on The Other Side. Lexi was sure there had to be something more, since Silas’ whole agenda was finding soul-mate peace. It had to be out there, somewhere, she figured once they’d served their time for crimes against humanity, all they had to do was let go to move on.
PAY ATTENTION! THERE’S A QUIZ AT THE END!
In the ’interesting’ other room, Elena just wanted to thank Stefan for sticking by her in her hour (day, week, month) of bitch mode. Ah, shucks, Miss Elena, he kinda owed her one. After a semi-awkward silence, Elena extended her hand, giving Stefan The Red Bull Cure. She wanted HIM to have the wings. When he started to protest, she reminded him the only person that sucked at vampirism more than her was him. It wasn’t fair for a vampire to break out in Rippah any time he drank human blood. The rest of them would be okay–he’d taught them all how to survive. He deserved The Cure.
FANTABULOUS BREAK-UP LINES 101
Caroline can never tear herself away from a good social gala, and she was still cleaning up discarded caps and gowns at the now deserted stadium when Klaus approached. How had he gotten to Mystic Falls so fast? Truth be told, he’d already been on his way when he got her calls. Somebody *cough* had not so subtly sent him an invitation to attend the graduation. Was she expecting a monetary gift? Haha, you teases–cash worked, or maybe a mini-fridge for her dorm to be? Well, he’d considered a first-class ticket to The Big Easy as a present, but he knew she wouldn’t take it.
So instead, he made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. He gifted her Tyler’s free return to Mystic Falls. “He’s your first love. I intend to be your last.” WHAT A FREAKIN GREAT LINE! Stole Caroline’s breath away, along with a kiss. Congratulations, Caroline, now let’s get out of this joint before some dirty dozen hybrids wanna rumble!
SORRYNOTSORRY GOES VIRAL
We guess that earlier slap had been a real wake-up call for Damon. Elena caught up with him brooding in front of the Salvatore fireplace. She stomped into the room, but he took some of the wind out of her sails, not even looking at her when he quietly confessed he wanted to apologize. She struck the patent arms folded across the chest female hip cock pose, “Good.“ As in, ‘let’s hear it, Bucko.‘ Hold up, toots. Let him finish. He said he’d ‘wanted’ to (and NOW we get the eye contact), but he realized he WASN’T sorry. He’d rather DIE than be human and Elena was supposed to be okay with it? He never said she had to agree, just that he wasn’t sorry. *glinty eyes* He’s selfish. Makes bad choices that hurt people and YES, he’d rather die than be human! He’d rather die right that second than spend a handful of great years with her till he turned old and gray and SHE WAS STILL YOUNG! Yeah, he’d rather kick it right now than spend his final years remembering how great it had been once upon a time, BECAUSE THAT’S WHO HE IS AND HE AIN’T GONNA CHANGE, AND THERE’S NO APOLOGY IN THE WORLD BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL THE REASONS HE’S WRONG FOR HER! SNORT!
Fine, then Elena wasn’t sorry, either. (Take a breath, readers, here comes another long, run-on nothing stopping it tirade!) She wasn’t sorry she’d met him, she wasn’t sorry knowing him made her question everything, that in death he was the one that made her feel most alive!
He’d been a terrible person, made all the wrong choices, but in all the choices she ever made, this one right here may prove to be the worst, BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT SORRY THAT SHE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM! OMG! Holy Tongue Tonsillectomy! Over and over, hotter and hotter, blazing brighter than the flames in the fireplace!
Except. You know that eavesdropping Stefan chastised Lexi and Ric about before? There Stefan sat in the next room, hearing every painful sound that reached his ears. Bestie Lexi was right there with a quiet, comforting scold and a moral support hand on his shoulder. It was so hard for him to hear. *sniff*
HAS THE PORCH OF TRUTH BEEN RESURRECTED AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR?
Our investigative journalists worked hard to discover if the former Gilbert Porch of Truth might have returned along with the other miscreants from The Other Side. They caught up with Stefan heaving bagged up Stone Cold Silas from the trunk of Damon’s Camaro into an SUV, along with a cinder block toe tag. Damon meekly came outside offering to help dump Stoneass into the deep quarry. Stefan didn’t need Damon’s help, Lexi would go with. As Damon turned to go back inside, the Porch of Truth reared it’s sentimental head! Stefan wasn’t happy about Elena, but he wasn’t not not happy for Damon, either. (Let that sink in a minute, triple negative and all.) Thanks, brother. Oh, how we on the editorial staff LOVE those pearls of brother bonding! Waaaaaa!
BE READY FOR ANYTHING, LITERALLY
We followed Jeremy back over to the underground death chamber to meet Bonnie. She needed to close The Veil, what with Hunters and Hybrids and Hell, oh, my. He was ready, and wanted to be with her when it went
down up. He didn’t say goodbye to Elena, he just couldn’t. He‘d invoked the No Tears Rule hours before, so he left her a letter to find later.
With a quiet ready, set, flame on, Bon began to meditate. At that same instant, Ric gazed at the full moon out of the Stately Salvatore Manor windows. Elena had gone to find Bonnie and Jeremy, concerned about the time, leaving Damon to pour a couple of stiff ones for he and his bro-buddy.
Alaric was so proud of him. Damon got the girl. Their eyes met with quirky smiles. Ric cautioned him not to screw it up, as Damon looked down to finish pouring their drinks. How could he screw it up with Ric looking over his…gone. Damon stood alone in front of the fireplace. Out on the road to the quarry, Lexi and Stefan discussed his potential traveling future. New York was too close, Vegas too touristy.
She was NOT joking, it was time for him to start living his own life. Stefan mused, “What if Elena was The One?” Always certain Lexi laid it on the line. She was. She’d always be an epic love, but in fact, there are actually multiple ‘Ones’. Especially for the eternal undead. The only way to find the next ‘One’ was to let go and move on. Well, Stefan had never been to Portland…gone. He was alone in the truck. “See ya, Lexi.” *sobbing uncontrollably*
THE GRADUATION GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
Elena knew where Bonnie and Jeremy were bound to be, beneath the school. She made the mistake of entering through the boiler room, where Kol was stashed in the Invisibox. Blindly walked right into it! He might yet have time to take care of unfinished business! Kol slung her to the floor and bared his fangs. Elena feebly blocked her head and neck with her hands, bracing for the kill…gone. But this time not alone! Katherine! With a very UNSWEET Happy Graduation Cupcake wall slam!
IF YOU WERE READY FOR ANYTHING BEFORE, YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET!
Nearby in Bonnie’s actual death chamber, Jeremy watched intently as Bonnie continued to meditate. The Veil was almost closed. What, huh? Jer had so many things he’d wanted to say to her before the end, but he didn’t need to say anything. She wrapped him in an embrace with a deep kiss, lasting long enough for the torch flames to go out. She took his breath away. LITERALLY! He stumbled back and gasped in a lungful or two. WHAT THE FRACK WAS HAPPENING? OMG, it freakin worked. She’d punched a Jer-sized hole in The Veil before it went back up. She hadn’t thought it would work, but there he was, IN THE FLESH. IT’S ALIVE!!!!
He rushed back to share her joy as she held his face in her hands. Bonnie, why couldn’t he feel her hands? WHAT WAS GOING ON?! Remember Alaric retaining his pre-death supernatural attributes? Well, Little Gilbert was back to I See Dead People (don’t argue with the mixed mythology of he wasn‘t supernatural until he became a Hunter, just go with it, okay?). Bonnie tried to calm him. She’d have the witches, and Grams (and a couple of his ex-girlfriends) to keep her company. They could still talk, even if she was a ghost. No. NO! SHE CAN’T BE DEAD!
She asked one favor. She wanted him to tell Elena and Caroline she was spending the summer with Abby. For the first time in forever her friends were okay and she didn’t want to rob them of that. What a secret to keep! Poor Jer! He wasn’t about to deny her dead dying wish, so he tearfully watched her promise she’d be okay and walk away with Grams. Could y’all STOP with the tearjerker goodbyes already?
WHOSE MANSION IS IT, ANYWAY?
Bex knocked on the door of the Donovan Mansion. She just wanted to check up on Matt. He’d invite her in, but promised Tyler he’d keep it a low-vampire zone (well, except for Caroline). Bex rather embarrassingly admitted she understood if the plans they’d made under duress were not okay. Matt saved her the embarrassment, but burst her blonde bubble, that the two of them as a couple wouldn’t work. His love life was also a low-vampire zone. She got it. *sigh* But what ho? “Whatever happens on the road stays on the road?” Rebekah tried to control her inner “YIPPEE!“
There were conditions–NO designs on using that little matrimonial Italian chapel! Was he saying yes? He’d never set foot out of Mystic Falls, had no college plans and no game plan for the future. Is was time he started truly living. Since she’d almost killed him several times over, she was kinda obligated to show him how. Cheesy grins all around! OH TYLER, YOU CAN COME HOME NOW, THE HOUSE IS GONNA BE EMPTY AGAIN AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO MOW THE LAWN!
QUIZ TIME! YOU WERE WARNED!
Katherine and Elena had somehow taken their Katfight upstairs into the school hall. Katherine’s bad day started with Bonnie denying her true immortality, but she was gonna finish off with Elena. Kat DESERVED that eternal immortality–she’d never had a graduation, or a prom, or a LIFE! Kat was beating Elena to a pulp because she’d undeservedly stolen Katherine’s happiness! We hope our readers who were unsatisfied that Elena was able to best Kat in last edition’s scuffle got your jollies. Kat was handing Elena her ass on a silver locker door platter! Damn that lazy school janitor! He leaves that mop bucket with the handy dandy wooden handles in the hall WAY too often! Broken mop in hand, Kat was sick of having nothing and about to change it. Classy to the end, Kat planted a last stiletto boot upside Elena’s head. The End? Change it? OMG, was Kat planning on taking Elena out and replacing her? NEWSFLASH! QUIZ TIME!
Elena was fading from Katherine trying to make a shish kabob outa her Adams‘ Apple, and her thoughts flashed back to the private convo she had with Stefan earlier. Let’s pick up with ’He deserved The Cure’ shall we? Stefan had been glad she was okay with herself now. Every single thing he’d done to get that Cure was for her. So the choice of whether or not to be a vampire would always be hers. He’d given it back to her. What?! Elena still had The Cure on her?
Back to the very conscious world, Katherine ripped the stake out and shoved her fist deep into Elena‘s chest. Bye, bye little girl we think not! Elena managed to fish the vial out of her pocket AND SHOVED THE SUCKER RIGHT IN KATHERINE’S OPEN MOUTH! With a last thrust to Katherine’s jaw, the vial broke, spilling it’s contents down her vicious little throat. Sputter gag faint! There the identical pair of bookends lay, side-by-side. Have a nice human life, Katherine!
THEY SAVED THE KICKER FOR LAST
Lone Stefan finally arrived at the quarry to dump the bag. Hmmm. How did that safe get out there, there wasn’t room for it in that SUV? *head scratch* He pitched the parcel on the ground, why did it rattle? The wrappings had burst open, and Stefan realized it was just broken pieces of statuary. Oh hell to the no!
He ripped it open as a voice stopped him from behind. “Don’t bother.” That was Elena’s voice! “I’m not there.” With dawning horror, Stefan turned to realize he’d somehow been duped by Silas. He’d been turned to stone, the spell had worked! Silena explained (c’mon, one last mash-up name for old times sake!) the funny thing about spells being bound by nature. Nature demands balance. (ALL TOGETHER NOW) Every spell has a loophole. The Medusa spell was bound by a living witch that was now dead. Witch died, spell broke. Stef was confused. Bonnie wasn’t dead, he’d just graduated with her! NVM, Stefan. Silena was about to spill the Great Mystery of All Time. Silena created the immortality spell 2000 years ago and could never die. That pesky Mother Nature demanded a balance. A version of Silas that COULD die. A Shadow Self. (See, see, see, we told ya that term would come back to bite ya in the end!) A doppelganger. Stefan was totally in a daze. Was this finally Silas’ real face? Elena’s? Not exactly.
When Silena gazed at his/her reflection in the truck window, what we saw was GASP! STEFAN!!!!! Hello, my Shadow Self! Steflas punched Stefan practically clean through his gut to his backbone. As he held ‘himself’ up, he menacingly queried in Stefan’s ear if he had any idea what it was like to starve for 2000 years?
(thanks to stefancaptures for the gifs)
Shadow Stefan (OUR STEFAN!) got stuffed into the Pierce & Franklin, the tumblers turned, and tipped over the cliff into the murky water far, far below! Silas Stefan above watched Shadow Stefan below with seeming satisfaction as he submerged, water quickly flooding the small chamber. Oh, the horror! Shadow Stefan struggled to no avail. The water engulfed and squelched his screaming mouth. FADE TO BLACK.
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
We are aghast at the developments of this last edition of the season. Without being selfish and without further ado, we most appropriately name the final Woobie Word of Season Four………….APOCALYPSE! Thanks so much to all our loyal readers for joining us here at The Mystic Falls Messenger. We hope we’ve stirred a few brain cells, tickled a few fancies, and earned a few smiles. We’ve sure made some fun friends writing it. We leave you with a few errant thoughts for the summer…. Was the substance in The Red Bull vial really a Cure or an elaborate hoax? If Katherine does become human, will she just turn around and get some vamp to change her back? Ooh, if she IS human, there’s a whole new fresh supply of hybrid making blood up for grabs, and she thought running from Klaus as a VAMPIRE was bad! That’s a secret even our Scoobies might wanna keep under wraps, unless they want the Hybrid army reformed! Will Tyler return to reclaim his Mansion and his woman? Can Jeremy keep the secret Bonnie left with him? How will they explain Jeremy’s return to the uninformed citizenry of Mystic Falls? Argue among yourselves, but remember over the summer when reading rumors, uncovering spoilers, and analyzing interviews: IT AIN’T OVER TILL THE KAT LADY SINGS. JUST LIKE EVERY SPELL HAS A LOOPHOLE, EVERY PLOTLINE HAS A TWIST. WE ARE TVD FAMILY!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!