Mystic Falls Messenger
Historical Trivia for $100, Alex. What do Son of Sam, Brutus, Shakespeare, Xanadu, Leave it to Beaver, Florence Nightingale, Mother Teresa, and Magellan all have in common? Answer in the form of a question, Because the Night has 10,000 maniacs on the loose!
Editor’s note: Thank our lucky stars Ruthie’s back to her screencapping prowess this week! We darn near expired without her!
CEREAL KILLER EATS WHEATIES, THEN VICTIMS
DATELINE NEW YORK CITY, CIRCA NOVEMBER 1977: In the summer of 1977, New York lost its mind. A mountain climber scaled the World Trade Center. The temperature hit 104 degrees. Elvis Presley died. Studio 54 opened. And oh, yes, a psychopathic serial killer armed with a revolver dubbed Son of Sam held New York hostage. Three months after his arrest, an unpublicized copycat was loose in the City, terrorizing unsuspecting couples after hours on abandoned streets. His M.O.? Played road kill on the sidewalk, waited for his prey to distract each other, disappeared, then viciously attacked one at a time. Accompanied by a blood curdling scream and the sounds of Talking Heads singing “Psycho Killer“, this was Son of Giuseppe, complete with hawt tight jeans and guyliner. In today‘s socially media-conscious world, the male victim we witnessed woulda known Son of Sam was arrested in August! Let’s call him a ‘cereal’ killer–I ate my Wheaties, now I’m eatin you!
Our roving reporter took the subway to the present, catching Damon and Elena on a bustling, crowded New York City street. He’d brought her back to where he’d gone undetected for years, fed like crazy, and had a blast–since she’d managed to piss off everyone at home in three days! Emotionless (but reckless) Elena was hungry and skeptical–was there a catch to all this FUN? Well, there she was, in the middle of a city-size, all-you-can-eat buffet. A little death goes unnoticed in the Big City. Let’s go get some lunch, eat a hot dog vendor, and get vintage My Little Pony hair extensions!
TOWN HAIR RED
While Elena was off painting the town (and her hair) red, Damon finally answered the 21st phone call from Stefan. He knew Stef wouldn’t approve of his Cure Hunt disguised as a joyride. The heartless vamp-assassin Katherine sent after Hayley had been a New York friend of Damon’s back in the day. Will the Heartless had dealt in vamp fake IDs, Damon thought Katherine was a client, and what ho? There Damon was on the sidewalk just outside Will’s former establishment, Billy’s. Last time Stef checked Elena was livin La Vida Vampire and didn’t want The Cure, was she down with this Cure Hunt? What the newbie don’t know won’t hurt her! Stefan cautioned not to underestimate Elena’s ruthlessness, with her humanity switch flipped.
If Mr. Cocky Much could handle Stefan on his worst day, he could pull the bangs over Elena’s eyes! Stefan should just keep Mystic Falls afloat and deal with Shilas, he HAD this. As soon as Elena came sashaying down the sidewalk, whipping her hair back and forth, gotta go, byeeeeeee!
‘CAROLINE’S CLEAN-UP’ MAY BE NEW SIDE BUSINESS
Our staff has noticed a maniacal tendency for Caroline Forbes to clean when she’s spiraling! We never thought we’d see our society maven become domestic help, but maybe it’s just Damon’s OCD tendencies rubbing off! The night may belong to lovers and lust, but the day belonged to Car swilling stale beer from unsanitary Solo cups and insulting unwanted walk-in guests at aftermath Stately Salvatore Manor. Wait! Were those panties hanging from the ceiling at the scene of Elena‘s prior impromptu party?
The LAST person Caroline wanted to see was Klaus, since he should be out death-chasing Tyler or crushing more hopes and dreams. She only knew the Young Brutus wasn‘t with her and never would be, since Tyler left Matt the keys (and deed) to Lockwood Mansion. Hold on there, little missy! She couldn’t possibly hate Klaus for driving Tyler away, what with Ty’s life mission to kill his sire. She could and she DID–don’t go away mad, Klaus, just GO AWAY! In actuality, Stefan had ASKED Klaus to stop by to help with Shilas.
TEA TIME AT THE MAYOR’S SHACK
UP: Across town, The Invisible Man Shilas conducted unsuccessful Witch Therapy yoga on the Expression Bomb Bonnie. Unsuccessful since she didn’t trust him in faux face. Once again, we overheard unconfirmed reports that Shane died on Fangtasy Island, that Shilas was trying to earn Bon’s trust. Trust-schmust, she invited Invisible Man Shilas to shack up, lied to her friends everything was hunky-dory, and lied to her dad she needed Presumed-Dead Professor to help control her magic. Why? The Bonster Bomb got frustrated that he was just in her mind, making her see and do things. He’s strong, but she’s a witch. Shilas can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t already want to. Oh, lay on the guilt, why dontcha? Bonnie failed to protect Jeremy, and in order to bring him back she needed to obliterate The Other Side. The Great and Powerful descendant of Qetsiyah, only she could complete The Triangle and cast The Spell. Oh, and by the way, kill 12 people she could bring back. She could DO this (for Jeremy). Puleez!
ICYMI THE FIRST 37 TIMES…
Why should Klaus give a Shakespearean Shit about Shilas? Elena wasn’t pilfering the local blood supply but somebody was. Stefan recounted how Shilas wanted to die to reunite with his One True No-Name Love. Since he’s supernatural, if he takes The Cure and dies, he gets stuck on Qetsiyah’s Other Side. If Shilas destroys The Other Side first, he could then take The Cure, die, and pass on to the hereafter. Stop drinking and pay attention, Klaus!
Stefan and Caroline tried convey that The Other Side’s destruction meant every werewolf, witch, and vampire that Klaus had personally eliminated would be back like The Terminator. At least his interest was piqued. Bonnie had said Shilas needed to complete three massacres to do The Spell–the Council, the hybrids, and if Shilas was in Mystic Falls, he was there for the final. They needed to find him.
HEDONISM THEN AND NOW
Most nightclubs are daylight nasty, but Damon knew the Underground of Undergrounds, soon to be full of punked out nihilists since the 70s…Billy’s! Not as ‘clean’ as The Factory, not as high profile as CBGB’s, he took Elena to his former hangout for nostalgia and fun!
Prepare for acid trip flashbacks–this edition is full of them! Damon remembered his former pastime, killing peeps in the hopped-up crowd, stealing their IDs for The Vampire Formerly Known As Will (Billy) in exchange for free ’food’. Discretion was NOT the better part of vampire! Will frequently requested female 5’7” brunette identification, arousing *wink* Damon‘s interest. Will had a vamp client that was a ‘runner’ with a need for frequent identity change. Since part of this tale was being recounted for Elena’s benefit, Damon told of one particular ‘meal’ he was just about to chow down on when BAM!
His sloppy open feeding got him Lexied out of the blue! His blast from the past became torment from the present as he then got BEXIED by the scruff of the neck, face slammed right into the bar where he and Elena were chatting. Think fast, Cocky! Bex was about to blow his cover with Elena! Bex’ feelings were hurt her partner Damon had a Cure lead and didn’t take her along! ‘Moi?’ Damon snidely sidestepped that accusation, WRONG, Biotch!
He only drove seven hours away from non-vampire Mystic Falls Xanadu since his ‘history in this city has particular resonance in her current situation–when he had HIS humanity off.’ Oh, puleez–Elena wasn’t buying that eloquent lame ass tale!
1970s CASE IN POINT: Damon’s open prey-time in the NYC 70s was rumored clear back to Mystic Falls. Yup. Stefan had sent Lexi to check Damon’s humanity switch even though the Bros were in the off part of their off-again on-again eternity of misery cycle. Lexi was curious what romantic event was too much for the mighty Damon Salvatore to handle. She’d promised Stefan she‘d keep Damon from getting caught and killed. Damon didn’t want or need her Florence Nightingale redemption–Stef was the one with the habit of falling off the wagon! Unfortunately, Damon was stuck with her!
NEW SCARY AND BABY SPICE
Y GIRLS ANNOUNCED
The Spicy Girls absorbed Damon’s tale–Rebekah thought Lexi sounded dreadful, and Elena thought Damon‘s many dark nights with Lexi sounded like one big attempted turn-on (bwahaaa!). Harruumph! He was tryin it with Elena, and she already read the last page of the book! Cocky Damon needed to regroup with many drinks at the bar–allowing The Spicy Girls a little talk time.
Elena wasn’t buyin the humanity switch excuse, Damon was after The Cure. The Salvabros were like pitbulls with a bone and wouldn’t give up until they found The Cure and then MADE her take it. She’d just have to find it first. Elena told Bex she wasn’t playing Damon, he was playing her–just returning the favor!
MISSING WHITMORE COLLEGE PROFESSOR’S OFFICE RANSACKED AGAIN
Shouldn’t Stefan know the inside of this joint by now as many times as he’s plundered through it? He took Klaus and Caroline over to Shane’s office, in hopes there was some evidence he had been helping Silas. Like maybe some snarky Evil Villain To-Do List: steal blood, perform three massacres, pick up dry cleaning. NEWSFLASH! Evil villains use minions to pick up their dry cleaning! Caroline REALLY didn’t want Klaus around, but an unkillable Original vampire might come in handy if they had to go head-to-head with Shilas’ unknown power.
Stefan and Klaus debated the allure of darkness (emotionless Stefan with Klaus in the 20s, Damon and Elena in NYC–even the purest of hearts *ahem Caroline eye contact* being drawn to it). Caroline interrupted this testy train of thought by coming across Professor Gilderoy Lockhart’s book, “Symbolic Figures and The Dark Arts“. Let’s explore Expression triangles again, shall we?
SAFETY GLASS SAVES LIVES
AHA! We finally got an answer from Invisible Man Shilas back at
IHOP Mayor Rudy Tooty Fresh N Fruity’s house! Witches, Bonnie needed to massacre witches–just temporarily, of course, and it wouldn‘t be easy. Once the witches realized how strong Bonnie was, they would channel each other using spirit magic, until they could strip her of Expression. Bonnie would have to endure until all 12 were linked as one. This linking crap always turns out bad! Rudy returned home just in time to get duped into assisting in the plan. WHAT?! Rudy could see Shilas, too! Is he real, or is he Memorex? Rudy wanted to know how their ‘session’ went–ewww! Kinda creepy considering Dad let a strange older dude move in with his daughter! Once Shilas explained meditation (is THAT what they’re callin’ it these days?) wasn’t helping, Rudy wanted to throw Shilas out. Shilas had taught her that crapola, if he couldn’t help control it then GET THE EFF OUT!
Bonnie couldn’t take the messtosterone being thrown around, this was ALL ABOUT HER! SMASH! Y’all better listen to her or she’d bust more than windows next time! Expression had consumed Shilas’ (masquerading as Shane) wife and she lost control. Listen up, Daddy-o, call Mom. We need witches, a buttload of witches. Do it or die!
COLD SHOWER RECOMMENDED BEFORE READING
Our remote reporter musta been rufied, because we got the forward and backward of Billy’s Den of Iniquity. Loud live rock, dancing, and lots of booze. The Lexi Stefan Plan had been all about abstinence, whereas The Lexi Damon Plan was to turn Damon’s emo back on by getting him to enjoy life again. Lexi wasn’t allowed to feed with Stefan, but feeding was never Damon’s problem–and it wasn’t Elena’s, either! Take the man’s hands, ladies, it was time for a little nosh in the moshpit! Prepare yourselves for head games, readers!
Once Elena worked up an appetite, Damon let her pick an unsuspecting target, then joined her for mixed doubles! Ooh, visions of he and Lexi doing the same to a Grace Jones type in yesteryear. We couldn’t tell who was slurpin who until they came up for air! How HAWT was all that biting and licking and eyes rolled back in the head and near orgasmic expressions, and…..(sorry ‘bout that. We had to stop and wipe the drool off the printing press for a sec. Is it that sick we found this smexy? Bwahaaa!). Damon invited voyeur Bex to take his place at the blonde, reluctantly tearing himself away to take off through the crowd. NOT unnoticed by Elena. Hmmm. Where was he off to? Hoarders, Office Edition, Will Style.
The Spicy Girls finally finished their All-Day Sucker (did that broad have staying power or what? Sure, she looked a tad zombied out when Elena sent her on her way, but DAMN, girl! That was three hungry vamps!). The pair made their way to the bar for a booze chaser, both noting Damon’s absence.
Elena hoped he’d find what he was looking for so she could swipe it, and Rebekah offered to help her. Elena wanted The Cure off the table, Bex wanted to take it. Wait. Didn’t Bex hate Elena? Well, maybe the moral, self-righteous version, but the New Elena wasn’t so bad. Nope. Elena didn’t need a big emo variable in the mix–Bex wanted a family someday, a pile of neuroses, insecurities, hopes and dreams. Maybe Old Elena wasn’t so bad, after all! Shrug. Another round, bartender?
Aja wasn’t just the name of a 1977 Steely Dan album, it also turned out to be a former witch friend of Abby’s pre-vampout. Rudy apparently made the call to Abby, under the pretext of separating The Expression from The Bonnie. Abby wasn’t coming to the remote woodsy location–it was ‘witch’ business. Aja had dealt with Expression before, and didn’t show up alone. Bonnie might be strong, but there’s almost nothing as strong as a full coven, so she brought 11 of her ’closest’ friends. Let the cleansing begin!
Still working out the Shilas plan alone in the ransacked office, Caroline and Klaus were finger painting on a map of the area. Pastor Young’s farm and the Old Lockwood Cellar spiteful hybrid massacre–the closest distance between two points is a straight line. Very good, Caroline! According to Gilderoy Lockhart’s book, the Expression triangle is equilateral, and Caroline drew that in on the map next, pinpointing the third massacre site. Skipped Geometry lately, Car?
Klaus pointed out there was another equilateral triangle upside down–leaving TWO possible places the third massacre could be. Hey, he hadn’t let her finish, and was that flirting going on between those two? Stef returned from looking for Bonnie–no luck there, but he’d talked to Rudy. He thought he’d found Shilas!
DON’T FIRE UP UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES
The amazing Cheaper by the Coven was busy while we were out gallivanting around after our other characters, scratching a rough pentagram in the dirt, sticking up unlit Tiki’s Grandad torches, and forming a prayer circle around recumbent Bonnie. Y’all remember the Besmatos gang, right? That’s the witchy chanting Bonnie does when she calls to The Spirits. Ooh, but it hurt this time! Full body cramp! It hurt because she’d rejected The Spirits, and Aja took over, holding Bonnie down by the temples and calling to her coven mates to link with her for more power. They ALL fell to their knees and started the Besmatos Babble, getting louder and louder. Oh, the moaning, oh, the chanting, oh the FLAME ON! Torches blast! Were we witnessing The Exorcist, or was that one freakin MASSIVE EYEROLL Bonnie came off the ground with?! Even Christian Grey wouldn’t have found that attractive–we were scared!
THE ESPIONAGE REPORT
In the quiet of Will’s hoarder office Damon and Stefan caught up on the day’s events by phone. So Silas was appearing as Professor Shane. Ewww. Made sense if he needed to get to Bonnie. Did Stefan need Damon at home? Naw, he had it–how was The Cure Hunt going? Not a massacre in the making, but there was at least a paper trail. He was searching the ID thief’s files for a repeat customer. A 5’7” brunette runner. Katherine. Well damn, turned out Damon had been helping her run from himself. Stupid Will actually had a filing system, date of birth order, can you imagine that? Damon couldn’t even headsmack Katherine‘s birthday out of his brain.
June 5, 1473. That’s why Stef was the better boyfriend! Found it! All Katherine’s former addresses, including some over the past two months. Mostly P.O. boxes, but it would narrow the search!
Elena walked into the hoarder office almost in time to catch Damon snarking about acting like he was havin a good time with the Terrible Twosome–click! He lied he’d had to find a quiet spot away from The Runaways 2.0 for Stef’s jealous phone call. Poor Stefan was havin acid flashbacks of Damon and Lexi in 70s New York. They flashed back over a drink back out at the bar…
WHAT REALLY HAPPENS AFTER LAST CALL
Every night for six months Lexi had partied with Damon, then conducted after hours Katherine torture. Will would just close up the Club and leave them to fight about it. They’d get wasted, and the second Damon bottomed out, Lexi would pounce about Katherine. Damon didn’t wanna remember what Katherine looked like or how she sounded. The Lexi Damon Plan included turning back on the strongest emotion–love. Lexi cared due to what went down when she first met Damon in 1864. Damon was pissed Stefan killed their dad, turned him into a vampire, and was eating his way through the town. Damon HATED Stefan, but before he took off, Damon asked Lexi to help his brother, because he cared about him. Now Damon needed the help and Stef cared. So did Lexi. Talking about Katherine wouldn’t help, because all of a sudden Katherine wasn’t the person Damon cared about. Huh? What female could resist the old Damon Salvatore lip and eye starin? Why hadn’t he told Lexi he’d flipped his switch? He’d barely felt it at first, but it kept getting stronger every night. Eyelock. Liplock. SOLD! Up against the wall, you neck suckin mother!
Now see, THIS is why you don’t tell your current about your exes. Elena physically jerked away from the ‘ewww, you and Lexi here, on the bar?’ The bar, the stage, the roof–a VERY Hard Damon‘s Night! Elena deviously grabbed a bottle from the well (as Bex was watching from the end of the bar). Elena was headed to the roof to hear the rest of the story. We got all wound up chanting ‘DA ROOF, DA ROOF, DA ROOF IS ON FIRE!‘ (Wait for it! We’ve been forplayed for a week already, you can hold out five more minutes!)
WE INTERRUPT THIS EDITION FOR THE PATENTED REBEKAH MIKAELSON ‘HOW TO HANDLE RANDOM DUDES HITTIN ON YOU IN A BAR’ LESSON: Step 1: Completely ignore them until they brush hair off your face. Step 2: Noggin slam them straight to the floor. Step 3: Tell the unconscious dude “Excuse You” before you strike the hand on your hip indignant pose. You’ll thank us for this. Bwahaaa!
STRANGE LIGHTS, EERIE NOISES INVESTIGATED IN MYSTIC WOODS
Back at the Equilateral woods hunt, Caroline and Klaus had split off from Stefan to check the two possible massacre sites. Fat chance she’d have gone with Stefan and left Bonnie’s life to Klaus! Klaus was hogging the map, since his friend Magellan had taught him to read them. SNARK ATTACK! Ooh, Klaus had a ‘friend’? Was he ‘drawn to your darkness’, too? It was absotively not true Caroline had EVER been allured to darkness. Klaus asked if she’d never felt drawn to someone capable of terrible things that cared only about her? (Things got mighty personal mighty quick!) She cared once when she thought he was worth it. Turns out some people can’t be fixed. People who do terrible things are just terrible. Ooh, burn. Subject change! They were “there“…but at the wrong point, judging by the lack of witches.
Who was at the right point? Stefan, that‘s who! He bravely busted in on the witch orgy mid-nosebleed (was THAT back?), trying to get Aja and crew to stop since Bonnie was working for Silas, brainwashed to kill them. That got Aja’s attention, AND brought out her handy-dandy cutlery. If Silas had Bonnie she was lost and the Coven couldn’t save her. Stefan was determined to SAVE BONNIE, but got a mindbullet for his trouble (another returning witchism!). Aja had the power of 12 witches, and he didn’t stand a chance!
Stefan staggered a safer distance from Almighty Aja, until Klaus and Caroline caught up with him (guess Klaus could read a map after all!). Stef told them the Coven was linked, and Bonnie was gonna kill them all–um, not if the Coven killed her first! Klaus slammed Stefan up against a tree, while Car begged them to save Bonnie! The only way to stop the witches would be to kill them, giving Shilas what he wanted! Aja, dagger poised over Bonnie’s chest, called out to The Spirits to take Bonnie’s soul and free her from darkness. White-eyed Bonnie yelled her tonsils out, scaring Caroline half back from the dead! This was NOT going down on her watch!
In a flash, Car zoomed over to Aja, wrapped her hands around Aja’s own, and plunged the dagger home! Aja’s chest, that is! Klaus was aghast! Just like dominoes, one by one the witches dropped (ashes, ashes, we all fall down). The torches extinguished, with Stefan and Klaus gaping at the scene before them. Caroline’s only concern was Bonnie, and rushed to her side. The creepy eyes opened, “The Triangle is complete.” OSM.
SEX IN THE CITY
Grab your popcorn, we finally hit the roof! Just Elena, Damon and a bottle. She could so pull off the Lexi method, it wouldn’t be the worst way to get turned on *wink*. Don’t flirt with the Master, young’un! She’d never done it on a rooftop before. (yeah, yeah, we heard that in the promo, come ON!). “You’re not missing much.” WHAT?! Damon self-cockblocked?! No way! Elena wasn’t givin up so easy. She wasn’t sired to him anymore, she wanted this, he wanted this (we wanted this).
Once their foreheads met, it was ON! Until her hand slid down his ass into his jeans pocket and she got smacked for her troubles. Lookin for something? Like the papers Damon swiped about Katherine’s whereabouts? Did she really think the sex, temptation and booze were gonna work–Damon invented that trick!
Once more into the past! Same rooftop, different broad! Slow pan to a sleeping couple at daybreak. Damon and Lexi, snuggly post coitus, in the rising sun. Oops! Rising sun?! Lexi had always been envious of those daywalker rings! The minute she started sizzling, it was a mad dash for the door inside. Good luck with that, sweetheart, Damon spent all night quietly reinforcing it so she couldn‘t escape. Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it? Damon paid her back for six months of nagging, self-righteous platitudes, standing there twisting that daywalker ring around on his finger. His humanity was NOT back on, never was! Damon taunted her from his sunlit stance, just a joke, a big fat lie. Best part was she’d believed he was just like Stefan. He was no wounded little bird she could nurse back to health. Stef was a victim…..Damon chose to be bad! We Wuv Wicked Woobie! lol Left Lexi fuming in a meager shadow, frustrated how to get outa the mess he left her in!
Damon pretended to have feelings for Lexi just to get her off his back. He was willing to do whatever it took. Sound familiar, Elena? Damon’s feelings weren’t hurt by Elena’s actions, he was just lookin out for her. One day she’d flip the humanity switch back on and all the bad stuff would come rushing back. Lexi had been a walking, talking reminder of all the bad things he’d done. Damon managed to avoid her for decades after the rooftop incident, then she just HAD to show up for Stefan’s 162d birthday. Brought with her a rush of memories and guilt. He killed her to get her out of sight, out of mind. Every day Elena stayed switched off was the one day she might do something she could never take back. Elena needed explanation. Damon spent six months getting Lexi to fall in love with him so he could hurt her. Spiteful, malicious, borderline evil, yet supposedly his emo was turned off? Sound like emotions to her. Damon thought maybe hatred was the first emo he’d turned back on. All the more reason to cure Elena, get the old one back without all the ugly stages in between. Elena pronounced she wasn’t taking the freaking Cure! Yes, she was, even if he had to snap her neck and chain her down until they found it! Well that little argument gave Bex JUST enough time to sneak up on them and necksnap Damon! So much for handling things yourself, Elena! Spicy Girls in full effect!
LITTLE SALVATORE LEFT HOLDING THE HALLMARK CARD, AGAIN!
So what happened to Bonnie in the Woods Hole aftermath? We found her asleep in her room, with Stefan in somber attendance. Thank The Spirits she awoke without eyes in the back of her head! She had no idea what Stefan was doing there, or that he’d brought her home. What witches almost killed her? She didn’t remember, whatever the Coven had done musta messed with her head. She didn’t even know how she got off Fangtasy Island. Last thing she could recall was being in a cave with Jeremy trying to pry The Cure out of Silas’ cold dead hands. Jer got The Cure, right, Stefan? Uh-oh. Stefan had to be the bearer of the sad news. Not only did they not get The Cure, but…
REMEDIAL MATH REDEAUX
Klaus and Caroline were still at Woods Hole, where he filled in 12 graves for 12 witches. Just like nothing happened–only it had. Silas has everything he needed to open the Gates of Hell on Earth. Caroline accused him. He was just gonna let Bonnie die. The air was thick with accusations! Math wasn’t her strong suit, but one was still less than twelve! Oh, yeah? Well that ONE was Car’s best friend! Oh, tell yourself whatever you need to sleep at night, Car, it’s all your fault! FINALLY it hit her! Caroline realized she just killed 12 people. One seemingly tender moment, when Klaus said she looked like she needed comforting. Just when you thought he was about to give her a hug, “Why don’t you find someone less terrible you can relate to.“ Oh, snap!
THE CASE OF THE APPEARING/DISAPPEARING INVISIBLE MAN
Caroline departed the witch gravesite, leaving Klaus to his “thoughts”. He soon sensed a “presence” and turned around to find a grateful Shilas. Of the three massacres, the last was the one he’d been dreading. We couldn’t see him, could YOU see him? WTF?!
While you catch your breath, we caught a not so sexy morning after rooftop Damon heaving himself up from a pain in the neck night. His first call? “Morning, Damon!” answered by a bright and perky Elena. He demanded to know where she was, but the better question was where were ‘they’ going?
She and Bex had carjacked the Camaro, the list of Katherine’s known addresses, and broken his radio to boot! Too bad, so sad, they’ll give Katherine his best! Click! His CAR?!
Next call was to Stefan. Involving a certain 5’7” brunette and a blonde accomplice–no, Stefan, get your mind outa the gutter! Wrong fantasy, unless you’re into betrayal and snapped necks. Elena stole the lead on Katherine, go ahead, Bro, beat him up for his incompetence. While they were admitting failure, Stef owned up to not stopping the massacre. Silas has everything he needs but The Cure. Bad day all around for the Bros!
Where did we just leave Klaus? Oh, yeah, talking to thin air. Apparently Shilas and Klaus were talking Cure, as well. Sorry, Klaus didn‘t have it. Shilas was certain Klaus knew who did, and didn’t want it used on himself. Klaus should just bring it to Shilas and it wouldn‘t get used on him. Oh, let’s be cordial about this! Klaus would live–right, with all his dead supernatural enemies from The Other Side. Know what Silas or Shane or whoever the eff you are, you don’t scare Klaus! The Invisible Man Shilas thought he knew what would! Stake 2.0! Where’d he get that? Rebekah’s mind was a lot easier to read. SO! Did Klaus care to reconsider Shilas’ offer? Klaus rushed him–but where the hell did he go? LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Splintery, meaty sounding plunge, right into Klaus’ back! Shilas wasn’t trying to kill Klaus just yet, only a little warning. Broke that sucker off right in Klaus’ spine. Just a little something to remember him by! Ooh, that’s gotta hurt! Shilas took the butt end of Stake 2.0 with him, leaving a hearty, “I’ll be in touch!” in his wake!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
So many good ones, so little space! Some of the facial expressions alone were truly Woobie Worthy, but our favorite Woobie Word this Week was………………………………………………SCORCHER!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!