Mystic Falls Messenger
Synchronize your watches, it’s all going down Before Sunset in Mystic Falls! Step right up and make a choice, nobody else can! Hybrids or family, Stefan or Damon, Original or Psycho, paper or plastic?
Editor’s note: A big gory thank you goes out to Ruthie, as usual, for CHOOSING the great screencaps to illustrate our story!
MYSTIC FALLS HIGH MEETS GOD OF MACHO
Picture this: School classroom, replete with Civil War artifacts, vintage books, dead toy soldiers and creepy battlefield death photos, presided over by PsychoRic Salzman, some-time Mystic Falls High history teacher. [In the interest of our typesetters, Alaric is effectively ‘gone’ at least for the moment, so we’re reverting to the shortened version ‘Ric’ for this edition!] And he has Stake 2.0, ultimate recyclable weapon of all weapons, in his hands.
An oblivious Caroline was on her way to Decade Dance clean-up committee and chastising her main squeeze Tyler over the phone for ditching. His excuse? Klaus called him, he’s leaving town, and wanted Tyler to pack up his house. Since when does sire-bond mover-slave trump girlfriend clean-up slave? Since Klaus realized Caroline wasn’t gonna dump Tyler and run straight into his arms. It was a shade petty, but since Klaus still thought Tyler was sired, he had to go with the flow. And Tyler was late, gotta go, love ya, bye! Our school reporter almost got run down by that creepy dark shadow that whooshed by just as Caroline hung up!
We caught up with Rebekah toting a recycling bin what had been the speakeasy refreshment area. Poor Bex! She was all pouty, stuck cleaning up after a dance she organized and didn’t even get to attend! Matt had bailed to work at the Grill, and Caroline was a whole TWO minutes late to help out! Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the coffin! Caroline attempted to placate Bex by expressing condolences about Bex’ bitch of a mom. Even though she hated her, but still…Constantly desperate for friends, Bex relented and extended her own sympathy right back about Ric–he seemed like a nice guy. Gee, what a way to lift both their spirits! Bex went to get started on the gym-turned-dancehall, but encountered said dead ’nice guy’ in the hallway.
They tussled like only two superhuman, superfast vampires can, and just as Ric drew good old 2.0 to strike at Bex., Car intervened. Was this not a thirty-something teacher’s ultimate fantasy, being pinned to the lockers by The Barbie Twins? Guess that phallic symbol to the chest wasn’t part of the fantasy! Between the two girls they staked HIM with it. Well THAT was an epic fail. He just pulled it out with a grunt, and they flew! Now he was REALLY mad!
Car fled to the parking lot, but while fumbling with her car keys, Ric jumped her from behind, snapping her neck. He truly was The God of Macho, going all caveman and dragging her back inside the school while he fried in the sun. [Props for Gods of Macho song, Reno–we likey!] Bex witnessed his little caveman antics from a semi-safe distance.
MYSTIC FALLS NEEDS A GOOD 24-HOUR HOME DEPOT
Elena and Jeremy were busily repainting Alaric’s room with leftover garage paint, since there‘s no decent 24-hour Home Depot in Mystic Falls. Obviously Elena was still in the do something physical to avoid thinking about dead faux-dad mode. Stefan arrived, gently suggesting maybe they should wait a bit? Didn’t wanna. Jer asked the $24,000 question, “Are you two like back together or something?” Elena deny, deny, denied, with Stef side-stepping with the old just checking up on them routine. Smartmouth Jer was one good night’s sleep short of a load, and if Stefan was truly trying to be The Good Guy again, why didn’t he give them just ONE day without vampires? Because a day with out vampires is like a day without sunshine in Mystic Falls! Ding, dong!
Well, if it wasn’t Damon holding up Bonnie in her 20’s finery dripping plasma on the Porch of Truth! Houston, we have a problem. Jer definitely picked the wrong ONE day!
WHAT THIS TOWN NEEDS IS A GOOD MOVING COMPANY
After witnessing Ric’s caveman outburst with Caroline, we followed Bex back to Fortress Klaus, where he and Tyler were busy packing boxes. Guess you can’t even COMPEL a decent moving company these days! You know that dead psycho? Well, he just tried to kill Bex, thanks to Mommy Dearest, again!. Oh, and guess what? He’s got an invincible White Oak stake that won’t work on HIM and he’s strong, strong, strong! Don’t get your panties in a wad, Bex, Klaus wanted to know where Ric was. Ric was currently stuck at the school without a daywalker ring, but as soon as it gets dark he’ll be on them like white on rice. They needed to leave NOW! Completely unruffled, Klaus calmly decided, he’d collect Elena and they would be on their way. Little Sis was skeered, forget Elena, he doesn’t need any more stupid hybrids! Klaus was thinking about protection against Esther’s evil plans, Bex was thinking they could protect each other. Always and Forever. (What?! Not again! She needs to give up on that old chestnut.) Rebekah demanded he pick one. Hybrids or family. Leave now or forever hold your ‘piece’. Which choice do you think he made? Our reporter got bowled over as she ran smack into Toting Tyler Sire-Boy during her grand exit. Whattup with her? Tyler. Use that incredible hearing more often. Just a suggestion.
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LET IN THE HOUSE
A few (two, to be exact) good men and one feisty witch gathered around the Gilbert kitchen table to argue about Houston’s problem. Stef was incredulous, ranting at Damon for epically failing dying guy guard duty. Don’t blame Damon, blame Bonnie the Bloodbank, who fed Ric. You know, we rarely overhear a civil conversation between Damon and Bonster! She had no idea what was happening. The witches led her there, wanted him to feed so he’d turn. Stef wanted to know where Stake 2.0 was? Damon sneered at Bonnie, um, we don’t know! She sneered right back asking why he saved her life with his vamp-blood if he was so upset with her? Asshat? Because Damon does stupid things like letting his friend die with dignity when he shoulda just killed him. Dammit! This all gave Stefan Excedrin headache Number 247. How do we kill Ric now? Bon’s been thinking on it, and a witch can’t truly make an immortal creature. There’s always a way to undo a spell (about the third time this has been pointed out in recent weeks). What’s the witch workaround? Um, she dunno?
Elena was puttering around dropcloth central when her cell rang. How many of you readers swore off ‘DROID’ when Alaric popped up on that caller ID! “Whatever you want to do, Droid does.” Even making calls from the Great Hereafter, apparently. Whoever this is, it’s not funny. Who else would it be? Ric?
He was not calling from the Hereafter, but from his classroom, where he’d gone all Dolores Umbridge on Caroline. No, she wasn’t copying “I must not tell lies,” 100 times from the blackboard, not even making Civil War notes—he had her staked to a student desk with Number 2 pencils and a vervain gag! Not even a Big Chief tablet to write on! Have these kids not been studying MF’s connection to the Civil War for like, three years? You need a new lesson plan, Ric! Back to the convo. Elena needed to get in her car and come down there or Caroline dies. Don’t tell anyone or she dies. Don’t stop to pee or she dies. Got the picture?
We almost answered the doorbell when it went off again, but Jer beat us to the punch—what the hell did Klaus want? Manners from Jeremy, for one, and a nice human invite inside instead of being a junior dick! Oh, yes. The last living human in Mystic Falls (save Matt) who lives and has control over his a house. Stef told Jer to Go To His Room! Bwahaaa! Damon came to the front door as well. NOW! Bossy, aren’t they? Aaaannnnd, he went. Sucks to be the youngest. Klaus, in his usual condescending tones, remarked Jer lost one questionable father-figure only to be replaced by the likes of the Salvatores. Well, once they established they ALL knew about Ric‘s delicate condition, Klaus revealed the reason for his visit. He’s leaving town, and just needed to pick up a few roadtrip necessities. Spare tire, flashlight, Doppelganger (um, Elena ALWAYS has a flashlight, so that’s a twofer). Sorry, we gave at the office. Doorslam!
MFM NEEDS NEWSBOYS!
Stefan and Damon immediately combed the house looking for Elena, while Klaus picked up a handy-dandy copy of The Mystic Falls Messenger from The Porch of Truth. Jeremy was
watching paint dry stirring paint in Ric‘s old room, Elena was JUST THERE a few minutes ago. Back downstairs, Damon couldn’t find her, either. Bon wanted to know what was happening, while Klaus paced in the front yard. He wanted in. They had to keep him out. DUCK! Sorry about the window, folks. We thought Klaus was paper trained, but apparently he learned window breaking tricks from his older brother, Elijah (who did it much better with a roll of quarters, just sayin).
TODAY’S LESSON BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NUMBER TWO
Like we knew she would, we followed Elena over to the school, where Ric and sobbing Caroline patiently waited. Free her yourself, Elena! Elena started to gingerly (and painfully) remove one of the Number Twos, when Ric slammed it back down. Hard! He said he’d let Car go if Elena followed instructions! How many times does Ric have to tell her, stop trusting vampires! (Including him!)
Klaus pouted in the Gilbert’s front yard, wanting in. After all, his paper training tool was INSIDE the house now! White picket fences do not always make for Happily Ever After, and Klaus had a light bulb and dimples moment perusing the neighboring yards. The remnant Scooby Gang (Stef, Damon, Bonnie, Jeremy) converged in the kitchen, looking out the windows to find Elena’s car missing and speculating where in hell she went without telling anybody. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!“ Suddenly, a UFO child’s ball was launched meteor-style through the front door, followed by two of the pickets from the fence Klaus pulled up to throw as javelins! Ben Hur my ass, you missed me! Na-na, na-na, boo, boo! Missed me again! Damon grabbed the first guided missile and sailed it back at Klaus. Swing and a miss! Klaus broke a second one in two and HE missed again! These guys have aim issues! While the kids were in duck and cover mode, of COURSE Stefan’s phone rang! It was Ric.
Klaus swiped a neighbor’s propane tank, and set fire to another copy of MFM (for shame! Now we KNOW you’re fired, newsboy!) for a makeshift Molotov cocktail! Hold up, dude. Stef had the down-low. Elena wasn’t there, Ric had her and Caroline was gonna kill them both unless Klaus surrendered. Well crap! He wanted to torch the place! And they’re honestly not asking him to walk into High Noon unarmed! Stef only wished they could, but unfortunately if Ric offed Klaus, there was a one in four chance The Bros and Company would die, too. It would be a 100 percent chance that Tyler would die. Damon would take both those odds. Mr. Empathy! They needed to figure out a way to put Ric down.
Partly gloomy with a chance of brainstorming on The Porch of Truth, Klaus, Damon, and Stefan snarked back and forth at each other on a rescue plan. Damon LOVED rubbing it in that Caroline was in there, too—didn’t Klausy-poo have a thing for her, or did she just reject him too many times? Bonnie (at last, a voice of female reason) had an idea, and borrowed Elena’s straightening iron and some of her clothes! Abby once used a desiccation spell on Mikael that immobilized him and if Bonster could get it, maybe she could use it on Ric. Klaus was pessimistic, but Bonnie played on his male ego, pointing out that even with the spell, they’d need a “lot of vampire muscle” to take him down—including Klaus’. Well okay! The sun would set in about eight hours, if they didn’t succeed before then, Elener (our reporter gets the giggles sometimes at Klaus’ accent) would be dead, Klaus would be gone, and the rest of them would be left to fend for themselves. Gee, Klaus is SO helpful!
REMEDIAL TUTORING OFFERED AT MF HIGH
We revisited Civil War atrocities, where Ric practiced his bondage skills by dipping Caroline’s gag in a tumbler of vervain water, explaining it was like inhaling razor blades with every breath (um, dude, technically vampires don’t HAVE to breathe). [Was Fifty Shades of Grey included in the book bag care package Ric had in the Salvatore basement, along with Moby Dick and Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?] Elena sat there powerless to help. It’s teaching time again! Ric was only doing this to make it easier for Caroline when Elena put her out of her misery. Remember all those vampire-killing lessons he taught her? Use them. Kill her. With all those hours of training, she could be Xena, Warrior Hunter (with a boob job and a leather mini skirt)! Here was her chance to stake her first vampire through the heart! This was NOT exactly what Elena had in mind when she enrolled in the class!
HIGH NOON AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR
Bonnie paced, waiting on word from Abby. Well, considering her stellar track record in the dependability department. Dot, dot, dot. She’d called Jamie to find Abby, and he said she was coming, keep your leather jacket on, Damon! Stately Salvatore Manor has a shop keepers bell instead of a doorbell! Who knew? It was Abby (rather than a Girl Scout). Jamie was worried, said it was urgent. It is. THIS IS A TEST. FOR THE NEXT FEW SECONDS, THIS TOWN WILL CONDUCT A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. IN THE EVENT OF AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR KNEES AND KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE. THIS IS ONLY A TEST.
Stef got a text that Abby showed just as he and Klaus arrived at the school. If this plan isn’t an epic fail and they make SpongebobRicpants at the bottom of the Atlantic, Klaus was still going to leave with Elena. Stef volunteered to go with him. What’s the catch? No catch. Stefan would turn his back on everything in MF to make sure Elena’s safe. That’s what makes Stef her better option in the Love Bermuda Triangle. Klaus personally thought Elena was wasting her time with Damon. Stef smirked. All this time Klaus spent trying to get the Bros to hate each other, it has actually had the opposite effect. Klaus giggled. Really? Maybe Klaus should let Elena decide which one of The Salvatores join them on the run, since they’ve become so close. Go for it. Stef and Damon have been through a lot worse than Klaus. Salvatores: Serving up bro-bond realness since 1864!
HEINZ 57 CATCH-UP SALE
Rookie vamp Abby had to be told why she didn’t have to be invited in to Stately Salvatore Manor (get with the program, newbie!). Only vamps live there, and Damon interjected they signed over the deed to Elena, but she died. [Guess too many fans were asking questions again.] Manners on display, Damon cordially offered Abby a glass of plasma, which she refused. Not even as a peace offering—fine. More for him. He rolled his eyes at Bonnie like, “YOU deal with her!” Bon explained their predicament: Esther created an indestructible vampire, and Bon wants to desiccate him like Abby did to Mikael. As usual, it’s too dangerous. Magic comes from the Earth and is pure. The spell needs Bon to tap into “dark places” of temptation that she can’t handle? What? She handled more crap in the sixteen years Mums disowned her than Abby’s seen in her lifetime. Damon’s totally Team Bonnie on this one! How hard can it be to parch a vampire? The spell stops a vampire’s heart (gulp), blood will stop flowing, and they desiccate. In order to do it, Bonnie has to find a balance, among the living. That’s witch-speak for a human has to die. Um, there are only two “humans” among the remnant Scoobies–Jer and Matt. Which one do you think is the likely candidate?
Bonnie and Damon used a “digital locator spell” (with that on their phones, why do they need ju-ju?) to find out where exactly Ric was holding Elena and Caroline (as if it wouldn’t have been obvious). Jeremy was conveniently waiting for them outside the school. Damon demanded the GetOutOfDeathFree ring, but Jer refused. By Damon’s math (oh, can we enroll in private tutoring?) he’d already bit it once, possibly twice wearing that thing, and if for some reason Bon can’t restart Jer’s heart, well, they’d have another psycho alter-ego case, bad, bad, hand it over! White Knight Jer with His ring, His sister, and nobody would fight harder for her than him. Fine. Be stubborn. Runs in the family. Hey, somebody call the narcs, we thought we saw smoke coming out of the windows of that hippied-out VW van parked in the Stoner Pit!
BYOB BIG FAT LIES
Klaus and Stefan joined the picnic, and Bonnie passed the bottle….of her blood. Everybody drink! It would bridge them all together so when she stops Jeremy’s heart, they’d have the power to stop Alaric’s. What kinda witchy ju-ju was this? They need to make a physical connection to Ric’s bloodstream, a vein, artery, something connected *cough* to his heart. While they were passin the bottle, Stef decided if one of them got a clean shot, take it, the other two would hold him down. Klaus wanted everybody on the same page. HE was the one that created The Salvatore bloodline, therefore, HE is responsible for Damon and Stefan’s lives (do we believe this?), as well as Tyler, Caroline, and of course, Abby (veiled threat to Bon). Damon thought he was lying to save his ass. Go ahead! Call his bluff! Let the teacher kill him and they’d all be dead quick! Stef was ready to launch into action.
In the classroom, Elena demanded to know why Ric was doing this. Oh, this was warped. Because she needs him. She’s an eighteen year old girl with no parents or guidance, and no sense of right and wrong anymore. How is this right? Ric used Caroline’s confession words against her. She’s a murderer. Told him she killed somebody and liked it. Elena’s parents had led the Council and it was their life’s mission to keep MF safe. They weren’t dead six months before ELENA undid it all. Does she really think they’d be proud of her? If Elena doesn’t side with the humans, she’s just as bad as “them”. Kill Caroline or he’d do it for her, painfully. He hauled Elena’s butt out of the chair, shoved Stake 2.0 in her hand, and she faced off with poor, vervain-riddled Caroline, still penciled in the student desk. Elena drew back, made a face, and TRIED TO BACKHAND STAKE RIC instead! Dammit! He was too quick for her and grabbed the Stake—he thought he taught her better than that! Well, yeah, he did, and she reached down, swiped up the vervain solution Ric had been dousing Caroline’s gag with, and busted him upside the head with it, effectively rendering him temporarily useless! Ouch! That burned! Straight-up vervain works WAY better than pepper spray any day of the week! While he was screaming, Elena freed Caroline and yelled at her to get help. Car managed to vampspeed outa there, but Ric recovered too fast and blocked Elena’s way out. Eyes on the prize, it’s always Elena that’s central to the plot!
Unbeknownst to our heroines, Klaus was out in the hall, and nabbed Car from behind with his hand over her mouth. It’s okay, he was there to save her! There, there, my pretty. The rescue group would save Elena, Caroline should go home and stay inside. Did she understand, love? Dazed and confused, Car nodded, thanked him, and he sped off.
Ric was busy locker-slamming Elena by the throat, threatening to kill her for being worse than Brian Walters (remember the M.E.?), Bill Forbes, and all the other cowards. She’s the worst offender of them all! The little wheels were turnin in Elena’s head, air supply choked off as it was. Why is she still alive, then? There’s obviously no humanity left in Ric. If he wanted her dead then DO IT! His eyes got real black and veiny, but all at once he let her go. They faced off as Elena gasped for air, and into the hall rushed Damon and Stefan, armlocking Ric.
He was SO strong, though! He effectively broke both boys, but the diversion left Klaus time to sneak up and insert his manicure directly into Ric’s chest! Aha! Physical connection to his bloodstream! Somewhere alone in the woods, Bonnie knelt over a supine Jeremy. She “felt” that it was happening, so started her mumbo jumbo over Jer’s chest. He laid there bravely as she chanted over him. Well, about that time Klaus broke a nail, as Ric ripped his hand outa his chest (impressive!) and threw Klaus aside. Connection broken! Oh nos! You gotta hate those dropped calls!
Ric had Stake 2.0 with him, and was just about to pierce Klaus with it when Elena hollered STOP! She stood there with a sharp jagged edge to her own throat, taunting Ric. He told her to put it down, but nuttin doin! Still need her alive, hmmm? There’s a reason Esther used her to make him, isn’t there, doofus? Esther didn’t want him to be immortal, so she tied Ric’s life to Elena’s. He has only one lifespan to kill all vampires and then he’d be gone. Klaus was observing this from his rather precarious position on the floor like WTF? lol SO! When Elena dies, Ric dies, too! That’s it, right? Ric said she was wrong. She started slicing (ooh, suicide by self throat slitting? Can we go back to palms?) and he hollered STOP STOP STOP STOP! That gave Klaus just enough distraction time to nab Elena and get away.
PHLEBOTOMIST GOES MISSING FROM MF HOSPITAL
After a quick stopoff to compel a handy phlebotomist at Mystic Falls Hospital, we found Elena tied to a chair (this week was all about the bondage) at Fortress Klaus, donating WAY too much blood into convenient, easy to transport bags. Klaus was done with the shenanigans, draining all her blood and getting the hell outa Dodge! Well! Toting Tyler walked in to this little scene, starting over to Elena when she whimpered for his help.
Now’s the time for that Academy Award winning performance, Tyler! Klaus was lounging on the Chesterfield couch *wink–another Fifty reference*, calmly stating Tyler CAN’T help her, he’s gotta go fetch (lol) some more empty bloodbags to complete the task. Elena begged for him to get Stefan, but Klaus dropped into quiet authority and told him to get the bags. Tyler began to balk and go to Elena, but Klaus got up and ‘thought’ he was commanding/compelling Tyler to get the bags, NOW! After exchanging looks with Elena, Ty LEFT! Elena struggled against her bonds, asking if Klaus was just gonna bleed her dry. He went on and on about how completely painless it would be, and she’d just drift off to sleep. Elena looked hopeless.
Back at Brokeback Hallway, Damon came around when his cell rang, wondering why he was still alive. Before he had time to answer the call, Ric hovered over him and demanded he get up. He and Stef were ‘pulling themselves back together’ (literally), as Ric told them Klaus was gonna kill Elena. Huh? Klaus needs Elena’s blood to make hybrids, she’s the LAST person he’d kill. Ric told them Esther bound his own life to Elena’s, and if she dies, he dies. There’s a lot of that going around. Somebody should come up with a vaccine. Klaus figured that out (no, Elena TOLD him!), and now he’s taken her. Ric was trapped at the school until sunset, so he wanted the Bros to do what they do best. Save Elena’s life.
READER’S POLL: Okay, show of hands. Anybody who’s not bound to someone else (or two) in Mystic Falls by some kind of bond, spell, piece of jewelry, or ju-ju, raise your hand! Nobody? Bueller?
CONFESSIONS, CHOICES, AND OPEN HEART MASSAGE
There are only about 5 liters of blood in the human body. How many had Elena given up by now? She was getting foggy, and mused if Klaus’ wouldn’t he need more than this to create his hybrid army? Well, these last few liters would have to suffice. Okay, here came another shocker. By attempting to kill the Original children, Esther strengthened the bond between them. Klaus doesn’t NEED hybrids, he has his family (estranged though most of them are). Elena was still sharp enough to ask if he truly believed, then why take her blood at all? He wanted a back-up family, his siblings would never trust him again! Two could play at that game! Klaus told her Stefan blamed him for trying to tear the Salvabros apart, but they both know who REALLY came between them. It was Elena. That’s why she won’t choose. Once she picks a Salvatore she’ll destroy their bond. Klaus doing her a favor since once she’s dead, she won’t have to choose. In homage to RuPaul’s Drag Race, ‘just between us girls‘, who would she have picked? She told Klaus to rot in hell, and he said You’re Welcome! Some big favor!
Klaus left her alone to “drift off”, but Elena still had enough oomph to struggle against her bonds. That was Tyler’s cue to sneak back in and release her, but alas, he got BUSTED! So much for that sire-bond! “I’m not your little bitch anymore!” That rocked, Ty! Ooh, now it got deep! Klaus wanted to know how Tyler did it. Don’t ask the question if you can’t stand the answer, dude! Tyler did it by breaking every bone in his body a hundred times for the girl he loves. Klaus thought it impossible, but Ty pointed out that maybe real love was stronger than fake loyalty. How ungrateful! Tyler should be thanking Klaus for giving him a gift and taking away his misery! Ooh, hit him in the face with it Tyler! “You didn’t give a crap about me! You just didn’t want to be alone!” Nail. Head. Just sayin. Tyler went to help Elena up out of the chair when Klaus lunged, effectively knocking her out when she busted noggin.
Klaus prepped to heartrip Tyler when Ty broke the hold, got Klaus in a reverse armlock and Stef rushed into the room. Damon came up behind to help Tyler hold Klaus in place (remember that plan where two of you hold “him” and the third does the deed? Change partners!). Stefan reached right into Klaus’ chest without regard to whose bloodline was whose and Wingman locked eyes with Deadman. This got intense!
CPR SAVES LIVES
Bonnie and Jeremy were still out in the woods, and Bon got the vibe something was goin down again so started chanting over Jer’s chest once more. This time we achieved SPELLGASM! The Beyonce hair fan blew, Jer’s head lolled to one side, and Bonnie’s face went all vamp-parched! Simultaneously, Klaus went cross-eyed but fought a losing battle, and as he weakened, Damon rushed to Elena’s side. Stefan and Klaus were still locked in Immortal Kombat, and Klaus began to look scared!
He gazed at Stefan like ‘How could you do this to me! We were like brothers!’ as Bonnie’s face mirrored what was happening to him. The wind died down, Bonnie’s face returned to normal, but Jer was lifeless in front of her. She chanted over him, laid hands on him, nothing worked! Bonnie resorted to beating on his chest and screaming his name–FINALLY! He gasped for air!
Tyler eased Klaus’ lifeless desiccated corpse down, while Stefan dripped Klaus-blood on the floor. He told Damon they should get Elena home Before Sunset, but then turned back to Klaus’ body with an indescribable expression. Guilt? Remorse? Relief? Hey, it ain’t over until the Fat Lady sings, and our reporter didn’t hear no Fat Lady!
ANOTHER UNDERAGE DRINKING INCIDENT REPORTED
Elena, Damon, and Stefan returned to the Gilbert House. So protective, those two! She couldn’t believe the Bros were actually gonna walk her clear to her door! So she lost a lot of blood, she was fine, just a little headache! Ah, well, the sun was about to go down and Ric would be out terrorizing the streets! Pooh, pooh! Ric can’t hurt Elena, the Bros are who they should be worrying about! Ric won’t be able to find them, since they were planning a little roadtrip. Uh-oh. We had the Triangle standing on The Porch of Truth ALL AT ONE TIME! Elena said she knew it was selfish, not picking, but if she chooses one of them she loses the other. She’s lost so many people, she can’t bear to lose one of them. This was uncomfortable all around! Stef broke the tension with the obvious—it’s been a long day. Damon told her they would call her from the road after they dump Klaus in the Atlantic (SpongebobKlauspants). Be careful. Both of you. *frowny face*
Inside, we crashed a Par-TAY going on! Tyler, Jeremy, Bonnie, Caroline, even Matt! It was a warped victory party! Leave it to Caroline, any little excuse for an impromptu soiree, even if Ric’s still out there! Oh, Elena was at the wrong event, this was a GetRidOfKlausForever festivity (and STILL no sound from Singing Fat Lady). Matt was actually a little pissed he didn’t get to help! After all, he took down the first Original! Car snuck over to Elena with a needed shot of tequila. She had heard the little Porch of Truth exchange. Sooner or later, Elena’s gonna hafta choose. Tyler made the rounds with the salt, and Elena thanked him for standing up to Klaus. It was a long time coming, which Caroline thoroughly agreed to with a hug! Responsible Elena wasn’t condoning all the underage drinking (Jeremy in particular), but she can go back to being responsible tomorrow! Drink! Wait! Tyler heard something! Everybody froze! Nada. The sound of a Klaus-free life. Cheers! Um, why did we all of a sudden see the moon?
MF FOUNDER’S COUNCIL FINALLY HAS ANOTHER MEETING
It’s been a long time, but an emergency meeting of the Founder’s Council took place at the home of Mayor Carol Lockwood. But! She didn’t call it, Ric did. They’re all there, including Sheriff Forbes. Ric informed the Council about ‘their’ vampire problem. Including the Sheriff’s vampire daughter and the Mayor’s half vampire, half werewolf son. What a way to throw open the closet door, Ric! He proclaimed them hypocrites, claiming to spearhead the town’s defense against the Dark Arts while covering up the violent attacks committed by their own kids! Liz was outraged, and turned to leave. Uh-oh. Ric vampsped in front of her, demanding she sit down. Methinks someone else just outed themself, too!
We haven’t had a good brother-bonding roadtrip in quite a while, but this week didn’t disappoint! They were kinda enjoying the letdown, Damon joking about how many desiccated hybrids it takes to screw in a light bulb and Stefan chuckling at the lame joke. Damon was in a good mood. Klaus is dead (whoops), his brother is halfway sane, give or take an immortal hunter that wants to kill them, they won! Say it, Stef, with feeling! lol WE WON! They thanked each other (awww!), they make a pretty good team, even if it did take a century and a half. Oh, Stef, why’d you have to buzzkill the mood? What happens when Elena makes a decision? Damon tried to keep it light, she’ll probably make a list of pros and cons and at the end of the day dump both their asses! And if she doesn’t? Then she’ll pick one of them. Stef said if she chooses Damon, he’s gonna leave town and let them be happy and not be bothered by him. Still trying to keep it upbeat, Damon said in that case, in 60 years they’d go back to being brothers and none of this would have happened. He can’t stand it though. Fine. If she chooses Stefan he’ll leave town, too. All this over one girl. One pretty special girl. Yes, she is.
POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECT OF PAINT FUMES
Jeremy went back to drunk-painting trim in Ric’s old room, well, guess he didn’t have THAT many. He wasn’t even using painter’s tape! Elena came in to tell him everybody else left the party, and he announced he hated the room. (We suspect it’s all the memories there. Their parents, Jenna, Alaric; maybe they should just board it up.) Elena mused that maybe their mom and dad were right. Ric should just kill all the vampires and put an end to all this. But that means that Caroline dies, Bonnie loses her mom, Carol loses her son, and Elena loses Stefan and Damon. If it makes her the Bad Guy for wanting to keep those people alive, tough. Jer reminded her that Ric never wanted any of it. Once he carries out his plan, what if Ric decides he doesn’t want to live any more and kills his human connection to end his life. That would mean Jer would lose Elena. (Hmmm, we thought he didn’t have a choice, if he carries out the plan Esther hatched he’ll die after it’s finished.) Jer’s not gonna let that happen. Siblings. Wicked webs. Confusion. Jer wanted to hit the shower (don’t go in the shower! Creepy things always happen in the shower!) and go to bed.
Elena took over Jer’s trim painting. But what’s this? Suddenly she grabs her head like she’s dizzy, then in pain, then she dropped to the floor, knocking over the cheap-ass paint! Damn those paint fumes! You should have opened a window!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
Well Hell’s Bells, only a Girl Scout with a workaround could figure this week’s Woobie Word of the Week…………….. ASS! And we didn’t cry this time!
NOTE TO READERS: Is Elena, as The Doppelganger, blood-tied to Klaus, and that’s what caused her to drop? What’s happening to Tyler at the moment? Is Ric gonna compel the entire Founder’s Council? Where did Bex run off to? Stay tuned, for our LAST exciting edition this year! Oh, Season Three, where have you gone? It seems we hardly knew ye!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!