Mystic Falls Messenger
It’s road tripping movie week in Mystic Falls! What’s the best thing about joining the mile-high-city club? Turbulence! Paging Dr. Freud! Let’s jump right in and rip out the Heart of Darkness, shall we?
Editor’s note: Our staff once again bows down to Ruthie for tolerating our latent quote tendencies and always finding just the right screencaps to illustrate our story!
Now playing at The Mystic Theater: ‘THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS‘. Filmed on location at the Stately Salvatore Mansion vervain cellar, this surrealistic saga starred none other than our own Alaric Salzman in dual roles. In the opening scene, a slightly guilt-ridden and angsty teenager (okay, pick ONE from our local cast!) delivered a care package to Ric in his semi-self-induced incarceration. Toothbrush, clothes, boring sleepytime literature. Very funny, Prop Master Damon, including a copy of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Elena felt bad about the lock-down, but by Ric’s own admission, it was best to confine him until he or his alter-ego confessed the hidey-hole of the infamous Doomsday Stake (go see the prequel). What would happen if they can’t find it? Stay tuned for the standard Klaus stuff–war waging, murdering, you know.
Put on your “Daddy” hat, Ric, it was time for the real reason for Elena’s visit! Little-bro Jeremy was no longer safe stashed in Denver, since Evil Klaus knows about it, SO! Stefan was designated Ric(s) babysitter while Elena and Damon retrieved Jer from exile. Approve? Disapprove? Cringe! Ric dropped into parenting role, but it wasn’t HIS thoughts that mattered. What did Stefan have to say about this little plan? It was what? Stefan’s idea? “He thinks that I have some unresolved feelings for Damon? “Do you?” Echo echo echo. That’s why Elena’s going roadtripping, to figure it out. Ha!
What exactly IS the point of locking someone up if the cell door fans open more times than the automatic entrance at Wal-Mart?
Meanwhile upstairs in front of the Salvatore Fireplace, Stefan and Damon were heard discussing the next-to-the-last stake and whether or not Klaus had demanded it and Doomsday back yet. Tick, tock, gotta get it out of Alaric soon! Could Stef do what it takes to get the info from Alaric? The going’s got tough, now can the tough get going? He’s Good Stefan again, all large and in charge, but can he DO this if it comes to violence?
All packed and ready to rock, Elena showed up, and Damon asked if she’d ever flown first class. No compulsion necessary, you rack up a WHOLE lotta Frequent Flyer miles when you’ve been traveling since, oh, say THE AIRPLANE WAS INVENTED?! Damon sure knows how to impress the ladies. A very courtly Stefan told Elena to be safe (um, loaded phrase?), and she reluctantly followed Damon out the door.
We witnessed a Battle of the Blondes during preparations for next week’s Mystic Falls High Decade Dance. What? There’s still a school in Mystic Falls? Our student reporter had forgotten all about it! Society maven Caroline is ALWAYS the Dance Committee Chair, but she breezed in to Party Prep Central only to find her 70s dance theme had been usurped by none other than Rebekah! What was all the Roaring 20s fluff-junk? It’s not nice to fool with
Mother Nature Caroline! Car argued with busy helper Matt, who got caught in the middle of Blonde Ambition, when Rebekah arrived and started BOSSING CAROLINE AROUND!? Rebekah had overthrown Caroline’s empire, and she stomped her foot in response! Would Car rather dress in tacky colors with bad hair than be a classic flapper from the Jazz Age? How LOW can you GO? Bex commented she doesn’t see what Klaus sees in Caroline. Oh no, she didn’t! Here came the bitch slap. Maybe Klaus sees a challenge. Unlike some other people *ahem*, Car doesn’t sleep with everyone she makes eye contact with. Trying to diffuse the sitch, Matt interjected maybe they could do both decades? Which got him a resoundingly unanimous NO! Bex twisted the knife deeper, and enlisted Matt‘s help explaining how he LUVED the 20s idea when she presented it. Caroline was outraged, you traitor! Well, um, this seemed cooler? Whatever! Have fun at your stupid dance, twerps. Caroline stormed off.
We followed Matt, who followed Caroline (bwahaaa!) outside, runnin and calling after her. Once out of Bex’ earshot, a Cheshire cat grin spread across Caroline‘s face. Not only is Matt now a murder, he’s gotten to be a quite impressive little liar! He sold it and bought Caroline a day. For what? Car instructed Matt to keep Bex occupied and be careful. We confess, our reporters can’t be everywhere all the time, but it seemed that Tybrid’s back in town and Caroline was in the mood for a little afternoon delight. Ah, rumor confirmed, when Matt asked Car to tell HIM I said hi, okay? Mission accomplished!
AFTER POPCORN AT THE MOVIES
Following a trip to the concession stand, we went back to our movie unfolding in the Salvatore Cellar. Stefan was at the dungeon door, as Ric tried in vain to catch some zzz’s (and bring out the Inner Him) with Moby Dick on his chest–do you know how hard it is to fall asleep when that’s what you’re supposed to do? Dr. Damon had prescribed his patented sleep aid–booze in massive quantities. WTH.
Ric really didn’t want to drink alone, and Stef was one step ahead, bro! Pulled up a chair and a glass. So! Let’s talk about the elephant in the room (that damned elephant sure gets around). Road trip, huh? Ric wanted to know why Stef got singled out for psychotic break babysitting detail. Well, unfortunately Our Heroes only have a limited time before resorting to “other” methods. Ric caught on fast, it takes a LOT of booze to slow this pathetic part-time psycho down! He asked if Stef was worried about having to torture it outa him? That got a big eyebrow raise from Stef. Don’t think Damon coulda done that? Forget they needed Damon as the connection to Ghost-Rose with Jeremy, Elena needed to go on that roadtrip with Damon. None of the anguish Stefan goes through to get Elena back matters if she has feelings for somebody else. Was Ric playing “Daddy” or shrink for 163-year-old Stefan?
That was a blazing fast first leg of roadtrip! Not even time for a mile-high club joke! We didn’t even have time to stop for a latte when Damon and Elena discovered “Things to do in the Mile-High City“. The hot tourist attraction was the Fast Ball Batting cages, starring Jeremy Gilbert. Swing and a miss! Next time Damon compels Jer, remember to make him better at baseball. The minute Jer got over his surprise and pleasure at seeing Elena, he laid eyes on Damon and got all, “What’s wrong?” What a warm welcome!
We cut to the chase: Katherine begat the Salvatores, Rose begat Katherine, Who begat Rose? Jeremy facepalmed. They came cross-country to get him to talk to a dead vampire (redundant)? Well duh, he never even met Rose! Not one for patience, Damon got a tad miffed that Jer’s GetOutOfDeathFreeRing usage doesn’t include ghosts on speed-dial. Elena tried to ease the situation, explaining Rose spent lots of time running from Klaus, too, and since Rose and Damon were close, maybe he could serve as Jeremy’s connection to Middle Non-Earth? Fine. But could they do this later? Jeremy had plans with an actual friend at the moment, who just arrived.
Oh no! Here was Slugger Kol, striding up with a wooden bat over his shoulder. He bashed Damon upside the head with it so hard the bat broke and Damon dropped like a rock. Jer went all WTH?! Elena told Jer to back off, um, Original Alert! Kol turned around to tell Jer “sorry, mate, but we’re not buds” about the time Damon noticed the broken bat conveniently lying next to his hand. Kol reached for an aluminum Louisville Slugger off the rack (hey, it won’t break, such a modern convenience!), as Damon reared up with the “bat as stake” and gave Kol a belly-button piercing…through-and-through. No, not dead, but it gave Our Heroes a head start!
SLEAZEBAG MOTELS YOU WON’T FIND ON HOTELS.COM
Run, Forrest, Run! Again caught with our pants down *blush*, we presume the gameplan for our roadtrip was a one-way flight TO Denver, and drive Jeremy’s SUV back? Yay! That means he’s coming home permanently (somebody alert Bonnie, where the hell is she, and what happened to Jeremy‘s golden retriever?). Our trio of misfits (plus one reporter crammed in the hatchback) fled to El-Cheapo Motel, at the corner of somewhere and nowhere beneath the scenic Colorado mountains. For the record, Elena was the one that wanted to stop at a motel, not Damon. Haha! Kol shouldn’t be able to find them at a dump like that! During bag drag, Jer was astounded that Kol was a vampire. Mr. Snarkiness snipped it was weird Jer made a friend so fast–“Have you met you?” Not helping, Damon. All right! We got a single room! Will it “sleep” four of us (wait, five if Rose shows up)? Damon got right down to business, pulled the curtains, and launched into his patented stand-up routine showcasing the movie ‘GHOST‘.
All right, Whoopie, what do you need? Candles, incense, pottery wheel? Okay, so that’s not how this whole ‘Dead Man Talking’ thing works. [Editorial comment: We thoroughly chastised the staff for making too many movie puns this week. Nuff said.] Rose needed to push from the Other Side, Jer needed to pull from this one. Anybody got pics from Damon and Rose’s trip to Disneyland? Bwahaaa! Jer needed something to work with, so Damon started air-talking to Rose‘s spirit. You’re not gonna actually make us wait, are ya? *sing-song* “I know you’re obsessed with me“. That earned an Elena eyeroll. Okay, Jer asked them to tell him something about Rose. Still in snark-mode, Damon launched into suggestive tales of a little thing she does with her tongue. SMAK! Something that matters! Settle down, Salvatore! Whoa! Meteoric mood change! Damon wistfully recounted her last day spent in paradise, soaking in the sun and reminiscing about what it meant to be human. And when death came, she didn’t fear it.
Elena went huh? She was with Rose on her last day, and she definitely was NOT in paradise! Jer got that far away look–it was in the dream he gave her. She’s here. Sweet Rose smiled, sitting on the bed. Don’t forget to put a quarter in the slot on the headboard.
ROMANTIC MAN-CAVE DECORATING TIPS
Our hidden cameras found Caroline wandering in the woods, hunting for something—someone? Oh, yes, we suggested she wolf-whistle, but Tyler appeared anyway. That got a huge Car smile, and an even huger embrace! Let’s go down to Ty’s man-cave, and see what he’s done with the place! Tyler was more than ready with the candles and sexy music (okay, we embellish a tad). Caroline didn’t REALLY need any seducing!
Following a discreet pause in the action (use your imagination), Caroline idly asked if at some point they were gonna do this in an actual bed, right? Bwahaaaa! Yeah, he promised. Once he figured out how to deal with Klaus. Well, he broke Klaus’ sire bond, he won’t HAVE to deal with Klaus. Tell him to suck it! Caroline’s so mouthy-cute! Ty felt he needed to test it. Tyler felt freer, more himself, turned about a hundred times in the Appalachian Mountains, if he can get through that he can get through anything. Okies, Caroline decided to tippy-toe through the minefield that is spilling about the Original bloodline thingy. Matt killed an Original (THAT got Tyler’s attention!) and then every vampire that Original turned mysteriously died. Damon was trying to figure out which Original created “our” bloodline, and if he finds out it’s not Klaus, um, the entire Scooby gang is gunnin for Klaus. Wait! Since Klaus turned Tyler, if he dies Tyler is history. (Come on, catch up, Ty!) Now that’s a slap in the face after a nice afternoon! Caroline knew that, they knew that. Damon doesn’t care. Bad Damon!
MFM is considering starting a donation campaign to replace Matty’s ugly old, dented blue pickup! He pulled up to Fortress Klaus with Bex riding shotgun. Home sweet home! Rebekah was wary, why was Matt being so nice to her? Um, because Matt is a Nice Guy, strumpet! He drove her home, she doesn’t have a car (or a license, for that matter). Well not just that, but helping her with the dance, standing up to Caroline; Bex wasn’t buying the whole gentlemanly thing, after all her family’s done to Matt (um, does Bex know Matt was the one that put Finn out of his misery?).
BECAUSE MATT’S A GENTLEMAN, that‘s why! How many times do we have to tell her! Matt thought it sad she couldn’t take a ride home from school without looking for ulterior motive. Bex relented, hinting she was gonna organize the whole dance and then probably have to compel herself a date. Was that blatant hint or what?!
They both smiled. Bye! As Matty pulled away, you could see Rebekah was falling for the old quarterback sneak! Those baby blues and innocent smiling southern charm got right to her sweet spot.
BUT! When Bex got inside, there was…Mother! What a greeting! She grabbed Mom by the throat and demanded one good reason not to kill her RIGHT NOW!. Easy-peasy. Because Esther’s dying. WTH?
LOST IN TRANSLATION (AGAIN)
Back at Motel 6 ¾, Jeremy played translator for Ghost-Rose. A very editorialized translator indeed! lol Elena wanted to know if Rose was lonely in limbo—Rose said she enjoyed it. She spent so much of her time running when she was alive now she can do what she wants. Jer translated all that to “She says she’s happy.” Bwahaaa! Is this what happens at the United Nations? Damon was back in player mode, and asked if Rose was still hot, to which Rose countered with ‘tell him he’s still dripping with sex, too‘. Following an awkward Jer blush, Rose had him interpret that as ‘she misses you‘. Oh, and tell him that I’m rooting for him and Elena. Um, stammer, eye roll, ‘She, ah, she misses both of you‘. This got more awkward by the minute! Let’s get to the facts stuff. Rose didn’t have any news on the siring front. Klaus didn’t sire her, no Original did. It was Mary Porter (we actually heard someone say Harry Potter? Guffaw). Damon groaned–Scary Mary. Where is she? Rose didn’t keep track of her when she was alive, much less now. Rose told them to sit tight, she’d see what she could find out.
ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY ORIGINAL
Half a bottle or so later in the evening, Stefan and Ric still hadn’t heard any news of Jeremy retrieval. Elena’s worried about his GetOutOfDeathFreeRing. Maybe Jer’s alter-ego is a pot smoking hippie pacifist instead of hostile and militant like PsychoRic. Stefan tried to give Ric a free pass, um, a vampire wife and a vampire-killed rebound girlfriend? He deserved to exhibit a little hostility!
PsychoRic must really hate Alaric, failed hunter/drinking buddy of vampires. However, He and Me are one and the same. Ric’s not compelled, not possessed, there’s no humanity switch. What drives PsychoRic is himself. Stef disagreed, not Ric, just the darkest parts of Ric. “Which we all have“. Ah, yes, everybody’s got a Heart of Darkness.
Speaking of Hearts of Darkness, here came old buddy Klaus to the pity party. He let himself in, found Stefan’s Number Eleven stake upstairs, and by his count, there should be one more. Stef and Klaus argued about just killing Ric and forget about the other stake. Per usual, Stefan spilled his guts about the Original vampire bloodline death thing. Apparently Klaus was unaware at this point. SO! The fate of the entire vampire race depends on Stefan finding the other stake. And all he needed was to get Ric to pass out? Lemme just expedite matters and snap his neck. Note the ring on the way to Ric faceplanting on the floor yet again.
DON’T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER’S CHARGE IS DEAD
[Enough with the movie title butchering!] Motel 6 ¾ had a working ice machine! While filling the ice bucket, Damon took a cell report from Stefan. We hacked the convo, and heard Alaric was dead on the basement floor, but wearin his ring. Damon speculated Kol musta told Klaus they were in Denver. Stef was still drinking, but yeah, Ric had been out cold for a few hours, and Stef was hoping when Ric wakes up it wouldn’t be him, it would be PsychoRic. And if not? Whatever it takes. That sounded ominous.
On to other subjects, did Damon get hold of Rose? Yeah, but no answers yet. THEY’re just stuck in a motel until Rose got back to them. THAT produced a green, worried look on Stef’s face. A motel? Yeah, had to get the terrified trio away from Kol. But Damon will call ya when he knows more. Click!
Inside our hourly-rate motel room, instead of stealing cheap towels, Jer quizzed Elena about whatup with her and Damon. Nothing. Sure about that? Even Rose said something. What? What did she say? Damon came in the room and nipped that convo right in the bud! Everything okay? (obviously not!) He went to go “freshen up” (Damon never passes a shower he can’t refuse!) and suggested they get some rest until Rose came back with the wake-up call!
Either Rebekah took an hour to pick her jaw up off of the floor, or Klaus is capable of transporting! Just exactly how was Esther dying? Didn’t Ayanna preserve her body with a spell? Yes, Esther was drawing power from the Bennett witchline, but when Abby ‘died’ the connection was severed, so her body was weakened (yeah, right. We believed her, NOT). They discussed the thousand years of the joys and heartbreak of motherhood.
Rebekah resented the matricide plot, like any self-respecting young girl would. Both on the brink of tears, Esther she grabbed Rebekah’s hands in apology and started shaking. I’m so, so sorry. And dropped like a stone to the floor. Klaus returned home following his pity party kill in the Salvatore cellar, asking what’s going on. She’s dead. Pa-dum-pum.
WE INTERRUPT THIS EDITION TO DISTRIBUTE AEDs AND PARAMEDICS ARE STANDING BY TO ADMINISTER CPR TO ALL READERS! THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM. IF THIS WAS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, WE’D HAVE A FIRE DRILL!
Damon came out of the Motel 6 ¾ bathroom shirtless in semidarkness. Elena was in the bed, feigning sleep. No idea where Jer was, but we didn’t hear him snoring! Damon grabbed a bottle, half-assed pulled on a shirt, and sat down to drink and watch Elena sleep. Because we all know the best way to curb your urges is to drown them in alcohol!
Elena stirred, and then their eyes met. Damon put down the glass, crawled into bed with her. No touching. They exchanged a quiet convo about Rose’s last day. He never told Elena about that–it wasn’t about her. Elena kept inching closer. Why doesn’t Damon let people see the good in him? Because when people see good, they expect good. And he doesn’t wanna have to live up to anyone’s expectations.
Elena sighed and rolled back over to her own side of the bed. Their hands grazed, then interlocked, and he began rubbing his thumb gently over her knuckles. You could almost hear the crackle of electricity in the air! Heavy breathing. BOLT! She what?! Grabbed her coat and ran out of the door! Well of course he followed! She tried to steady herself against the wall outside and told him “Don’t“ when he came up behind her. Why not? He whispered her name and IT WAS ON!
She lunged at him this time! He backed her against the wall and it was all mouths and hands and heavy breathing and swollen lips and eyesex and kicking the wall and WTH Jeremy? Don’t go away mad, just go away! Jeremy invoked the Lil Brother Method of Birth Control! Don’t worry, readers, It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that schwing–stay with us!
Since Jer SO RUDELY interrupted (maybe the groaning woke him up?), he had to say something! Rose found Mary. She lives in Kansas. Damon was all ‘Lemme just redress your sister and let’s go‘. Accusatory looks passed between brother and sister. Elena was dazed and confused.
MENTAL PATIENT RECOVERS FROM COMA
Back on psycho sitting watch, Ric finally came around. Or should we say PsychoRic. Nope. Stef sat there half the night reading Moby Dick waiting for him to wake up or show up. He wasn’t gonna show up, because PsychoRic has just as much of a self-preservation instinct as Alaric. The best hiding place is the one where you can’t find the person who hid it. Ric took off the ring–he was taking bets that Evil Me has that sense of self-preservation. Gimme your best shot, Stef! Who of course, refused. Ric convinced him if they had any chance at all, he had to try. Stef lunged for him!
Stef beat the living daylights out of Ric, with him taunting Stef wasn’t putting enough into it! If he wanted to, he could break Ric’s spine! No ring! Ric’s face became a bloody mess, and Stef’s was getting all veiny–too soon after the Rippah moderation! Come on, Stef, use it! No! Yes! No! Stef had to really want to kill Ric for him to believe it! Want the answers from Ric’s darkest side, Stef’s gonna have to tap into his own.
Don’t fight it, Nike, Just Do It! With a huge wall slam ending in Ric faceplanted again–he rose up as, you guessed it–PsychoRic! Taunting. You’re so weak. One of Nature’s most hideous creatures and you can’t even get that right. The predators looked each other square in the eye. Sneering, venomously low voices snarled at each other about the location of the Doomsday Stake. You know you’re all gonna burn. Ashes to dust. Stef lost his temper and haymakered PsychoRic a couple more times. Stef could definitely have given Sage a run for her money in the boxing ring!
He finally got PsychoRic in a headlock (Wrestlemania, anyone?) and decided WTF, gonna kill him anyway, just for pissing him off! Three, two, IT’S IN THE CAVE! Weenie. PsychoRic thought he was so damn smart, even snickered, ‘where no vampire can get it‘. Stef locked him back in the cellar, went upstairs, and just as he was dialing (presumably Damon), he found Klaus and Rebekah in the living room. That wasn’t too hard now was it? Damn!
PREVIEWS AT THE MYSTIC THEATER
Our Mystic Theater does things bassackward, we stick the previews during intermission! Next up, the much awaited sequel to ‘THE WIZARD OF OZ‘, aptly titled, ‘Toto, We’re In Kansas Again!’ The three strange bedfellows drove through the night and arrived at a run-down house in Kansas, in search of Mary Porter. Elena instructed Jer to wait by the car—what, so you guys can make out some more? Bwahaaa! Don’t be a dick. Listen to your sister. Jer grunted, but leaned up against the car. In they went! Elena Gilbert, Girl Scout with a flashlight! Inside the house was an episode of Vampire Hoarders.
Scary Mary–really old, super creepy. How does Damon know her? Eyeroll. Of course. He said creepy, not ugly. Stefan took head trophies as The Ripper, apparently Damon put notches in his bedpost. They heard a sound from behind a closed door. Heeeeeere’s Mary! Staked to the wall! At least Kol had the sense to flip on the lights. KOL?! Mary, quite contrary!
‘THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY’ (SMH)–The Original Groupie. Maybe it ruined her? Elena asked if Kol was her favorite? Did he turn her? Wait, Kol suggested maybe he did. Or maybe Rebekah. There was always the Klaus Period. And don’t forget the Elijah Affair. Kol had talked to Klaus and knew the whole story about finding the Original-to-Salvatore connection. Gleefully, now they’ll never find out. Slugger Kol brought that damned aluminum bat with him! Kneecapped Damon with it, then broke his arm and assorted other body parts. Damon groaned for Elena, get outa here! Kol darted in front of her, yeah, off limits, but don’t test him!
He shoved Elena across the room where she fell and hit her head. That gave Damon time to stagger up and come at Kol—DON‘T TOUCH HER! Oh, dear, Kol hit a nerve! Relax, he just wanted to even up the score. Damon had snapped Kol’s neck, killed his brother, and then humiliated him. He continued bat-beating Damon on the floor, with Elena cringing in the background. There. Now we’re even. Asshat!
MORE MOVIE PREVIEWS!
Auntie Em, I’m Twisted! Elena was all mother henning over Damon’s poor, injured, recovering body (what’s a few hundred broken bones, give or take a few–ewww we coulda lived without that reverse-Tyler reset the arm thingy). Just a scratch! But wait! SHE was bleeding from her head wound. We’ve seen this poor, injured, take care of Elena’s bleeding face before, and it always ends in face cuddling and eyesex! She couldn’t TAKE it and had to turn away, all dazed. Meteoric change in atmosphere–this trip, her kissing him, WTH is this?
“Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you.” “Do you?” Echo echo echo. Guess she thought this little trip would help her decide, and he’d screw it up and she wouldn’t have to make The Decision. Am I WRONG?! She accused him of sabotaging things-every time there’s a bump in the road he lashes out. What if there WAS no bump? Damon’s mad as hell and he ain’t gonna take it anymore! He’s tired of being whipped! This time he isn’t gonna make it easy–she’s gonna have to figure it out for herself. And he walked out and left her there to ponder. Oh, the anguish!
ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY
Once Stefan had successfully negotiated the whereabouts of the Doomsday Stake, Klaus was “staked out” in Stef’s parlor, helping himself to a drink while Bex went to haul PsychoRic out of the basement. Violence a little gratuitous, Stefan? Ric looked like Bonnie after a bad spell, with the blood running out of his nose and mouth. Rebekah muscled PsychoRic out the door, taking him to the caves to fetch the stake, and if he thinks he can hide, he’s wrong! Klaus fessed up to Stef he knew about Damon’s Denver mission failure. Guess Kol had already checked in. Stef wanted to know what now, gonna kill him?
Klaus made himself at home in front of the fireplace while Stef taunted him about having every chance in the world to do away with Stef, but he never does. Which means he doesn’t want to. Stef was being so ballsy with Klaus! Okay, all right, Klaus is still waiting for his best bud to come back. The Rippah. Just beneath the surface. Come out and play! Well, Stef thought he could repress that part, but he can’t. However! Since he accepted it, it can’t control him, and neither can Klaus (does this begin to sound like Tyler breaking the sire-bond?). Loved this line! “So, unless you’re gonna stake me, why don’t you get the HELL outa my house?” And turned his back on Klaus and left him sitting by the fire……A.L.O.N.E.
ARE WE THERE YET?
In the Awkward Silence Car Ride home, our reporter was once again stuffed in the hatchback, with Damon, Elena, Jer, and Rose. SSSShhhh! Don’t tell em she’s here! Rose confided in Jeremy–they had a fight. She knows Jer wants to stop “it”, protect Elena from Damon, but she doesn’t just make him a better person. He’s good for her. Challenges her, surprises her, makes her question her life an beliefs. Stefan’s love is pure, he will always be good for her. Damon is either the best thing for her, or the worst. Jeremy contemplated this (through extremely long, thick lashes!), while Elena and Damon continued their awkward silence in the front seat. Rose disappeared.
CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES CALLED ON THE SHERIFF
Well, Caroline talked Sheriff Forbes into an indefinite Tyler sleepover for as long as he wanted. On the couch. Damn are they ever gonna get a bed? Well, Ty can stay there at least until Damon and Stefan find out about Klaus. And if Klaus didn’t create “their” bloodline? Caroline just got Tyler back, she’s not about to let him go again. They got all smoochie, and then Caroline went in the other room to get things ready for bed.
Uh-oh. On her side table was the infamous Caroline With Horse drawing from Klaus. Klaus drew this for her? Pretty creepy (that’s what WE said). And the green-eyed monster reared it’s ugly head once again this week! Charming? Has Klaus got a thing for Car? What had been going on while Tyler was out self-torturing? Nothing! Why’d Caroline keep the drawing? I don’t know?! Oh, Caroline, you can come up with a better answer than that! You know what, Tyler thought he would find someplace else to spend the night. We figured Matty’s, but our reporters were just spread too thin to find out!
THE BIG FINISH
Down we went again to the infamous Lockwood Caves. PsychoRic crossed over the imaginary non-vamp threshold to get the Doomsday Stake, while Rebekah waited at the entrance, like she had done when Elena was in there. With stake in hand, Ric parked his butt on Esther’s old coffin, musing why in hell he would give Bex the one thing that requires everyone to keep him alive. Is this Let’s Make a Deal, episode 47? Fine. Bex wanted to know what he was offering. Only one stake out there. Which meant only one Original has to die. Help him, and he’d make sure it isn’t Bex. Points for effort, but Bex didn’t want ONE Original to die, either.
And she walked RIGHT ACROSS that imaginary threshold! She wants them all to die. What the frack!? Ric was like how’d you DO that? Well, it was easy to fool Niklaus (uh-oh, telling turn of phrase), but she thought PsychoRic of all people would understand. The whole body possession thing, remember that, Kalaric? (was that ‘INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE’ theme Rolling Stones we imagined?) ‘Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a woman, of wealth and taste‘—Esther! Twist THAT, spoilers!
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
TONS of emotional looks, but you can’t put kiss-swollen lips into a word! lol We searched for just the right Woobie Word of the Week that also encompasses one of the most emotional scenes…….TONGUE! That’s our story and we’re stickin to it!
NOTE TO READERS: Why didn’t Kol just kill Damon? (Aside from the obvious it would blow the entire show.) Was it really because he just wanted to even the score, or can a vampire kill “one of their own”? Can an Original kill “one of their own”? It would be just like this town to be that devious! Hmmmmmm. And is Rebekah locked inside Crazy Momma, just like Ric was when Klaus took him over? Okay, so now he’s been multiple personalitied and possessed so many times it’s just getting weird, if you think about it!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!