Mystic Falls Messenger
The Holiday Hiatus from Hell is over! That was one long and painful Homecoming Hangover! In honor of The New Deal, aka, The Booze Episode, let’s get right to this week’s top stories:
Editor’s note: A refreshed and recently redesigned Ruthie at Vampire Diaries Online is back hard at work providing you the very best in this week’s screencaps! Don’t forget her Weekly Banner Contest!
BONNIE MEETS BOBBY EWING
Our “EPIC” return Bonnie started with a Bobby Ewing dream sequence? (for those outside CW’s demographic and born before 1986, Google it!) Too bad Klaus wasn’t in the shower. Bonnie stumbled cautiously through The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch following The Voices of 100 Dead witches to discover 4 coffins (one OBviously separate and ominous).
Aha! Inside was fresh-looking corpse Klaus, decked out with The Jewel of the Vile wrapped around his hand, which is a perfect segue to the…
The Hoodie is the new black! Remember Noah, Anna’s minion? Well, Tony the Headless Hybrid won Hoodie of the Week honors chasing Elena while jogging. Like she could actually outrun a hybrid. Musta been the earbuds slowing him down. So 27 seconds ago (Elena timed it).
THIS WEEK AT THE MYSTIC GRILL
Featured items: Brunch in a Bottle, Bloody Marys, Screwdrivers straight from the carafe, and don’t forget to sample the Head of Hybrid (splatter film at eleven)! Could we not have played upside-down Margaritas? Belly shots on the bar? I digress.
In celebration of the Eve of Klausageddon, resident booze critics Damon and Alaric met and discussed Jeremy’s general messed-up demeanor, plagiarized papers from the internet (an “F” in American History 201? Really?), tardiness (so teachery) and getting fired from The Grill. Has Ric gone ON the wagon? So much The Adult this week! Guess absent Matty gets his old busboy job back!
THERE IS NO SCHOOL IN MYSTIC FALLS
MF High School is still flooded, NO SCHOOL THIS WEEK! Elena and Bonnie were seen having a little girl-chat (sans Caroline), discussing Klaus, Elena’s paranoia (no Elena, he WAS following you), Bon‘s recurring potential witchmare (see above AND below), and Elena’s 3-way love life.
IT’S A FOURSOME, AND WE’RE NOT TALKING GOLF
A little semi-recent history lesson:
Elijah revealed in Klaus that Esther bore SEVEN children. Time for coffin count!
1) Plague-dead child (NOT COMING BACK)
2) Elijah (THAT’S ONE)
3) Niklaus (Klaus, Nick) (VERY MUCH THE WALKING DEAD)
4) Rebekkah (Bex) (IN THE BASEMENT OF STATELY SALVATORE MANOR)
5) Heinrich (youngest living brother, per Bex) (DEAD BEFORE THE CURSE)
We count five kiddos. This leaves two unexplained siblings daggered around (THAT‘S TWO AND THREE). Who‘s behind Door #4 (marbly lid #4)? Does the name “Charlotte” ring a bell with any of you spoiler readers? Just a theory.
After coffee with Bon, Elena headed straight over to rant at Day-Drunk Damon about Jer’s spiraling back to Season 1 attitude. And his general loss of loved ones, all except for Elena. “You okay?” seems to be the new “Can we talk?” Fashion Policewoman Elena decided day-drunk was not exactly Damon’s most attractive look (aha, she’s been thinking about this!) BRING ON THE EYE SEX! And the face cuddling! (I’m sexy and I know it. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle your eyebrows!)
Our reporter takes the Day Drunk Damon look any day of the week. The emo moment (tension build-up, anyone?) was rudely interrupted by smiling Klaus and his Britishisms. (Just came down to the local pub to grab a drink with my mate. We ARE a multi-cultural city!)
Formal introduction of Tony the Soon Headless Hybrid. We knew Tony was gonna die quick, since he got a name and a couple of lines. It’s a curse. Klaus fancied a home in MF, wanted his sis back, and to know where Stef was. The bloody coffin-pincher! Klaus doesn’t want much for our Happily Ever After! He just wanted Damon and Elena to FIX IT so he can take back what is his.
Damon went in for the protective male chest bump, and Elena shot off her best snark, “Sounds like a Klaus and Stefan problem“. Not to be out-snarked, Klaus got in the last line “Well this is me, broadening the scope, sweetheart.” At least he didn‘t call her “lovely“.
Other truants were spotted pulling a Deliverance–let’s get drunk and shoot stuff in the woods! Jer stole Ric’s lame-ass crossbow for a little Hybrid target practice, wait, why are they buds now? Ty’s pissed at Caroline, Bonnie dumped Jer’s ass, and Matty‘s gone rogue this week. By the way, how’s that Faux-Dad Ric guardian-thing workin for ya, Jer?
Ty gave a much-needed refresher instructional lesson in hybrid removal for later in the ep: 1) Cut off head or 2) rip out heart. Take your best shot! Our roving reporter thinks it may be just the long absence, but did all the guys look exceptionally HAWT this week?
On a caffeine buzz, Bonnie was spotted “Reliving the Dream” at The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch, but NEWSFLASH! We Are Not Alone! Stef followed her to what? Ask for help? At least he’s off the bunny-diet or the house would have been demolished! (bad dust bunny joke) Stef divulged the worst-kept secret of the week, Klaus kept his family with him at all times, and now Stef has them. Klaus’ family is his weakness. Bon doesn’t have enough power to hide 4 Originals–oh, yeah, a witch, hates Klaus, figure something out or die of terminal nosebleed.
OZ MEETS THE GILBERT KITCHEN
Vampires and hybrids and originals, Oh, My! Jer busted in to a very typical/atypical (need we say dysfunctional) faux-family convo between Ric and Elena. Yes, the subject was he and his Season 1 ’tude. Ric and Elena went all Parental Unit on his firing and his choice of I-can-hear-through-walls buds. So Ty was sired by Klaus and is dangerous, so what? Ty, come on in! Guess who’s coming to dinner–and it’s not Elijah this time!
Hybrids stalking Elena, now one’s in their kitchen? Tutor Tyler gave us another lesson in what is the difference between being sired and being compelled. Compelled=mind control, like hypnosis. Sired=faith. You do something because you believe it’s the right thing. Misguided, much? Klaus may have released him from PMS (Painful Monthly Switcheroo), but he’s still His Own Man. Riiiight. You can quit whenever you want (junkie). The semi-Gilbert Clan try to talk him out of it–Klaus wouldn’t ask him to jump off a bridge or rip out his own heart. Double riiight. Blindly loyal to Klaus, Ty thinks he still makes his own decisions. Meaningful eye exchanges all around.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS AT STATELY SALVATORE MANOR
Boozing carried over to the Salvatore Mansion with Damon entertaining uninvited Klaus to trade barbs about betraying siblings. Damon lied poorly about Rebekah’s whereabouts, but the nose wrinkle was cute! With much in common, they attempted to bond over our mutual loathing of Stefan, the coffin pincher. Damon would just LOVE to find him but, alas, he doesn’t work for Klaus. Since the drinks stunk of vervain mixer (so uncompulsion-friendly), Klaus resorted to random acts of cellphone violence. And a Nike ad–Just Do It!
Did we really hafta guess who the random call to Jer was? Not for long–Ty split the Gilbert premises in a heart-ripping beat. Ric and Elena stupidly turned their backs to wash dishes and talk about Ty’s psychotic cult logic–while the fandom was shrieking at the top of their lungs, “Don’t forget what Katherine did to Jenna over the phone!“ Oops. There’s leftover GetOutOfDeathFreeRing on Jer’s plate. Think they may need more than dishwater to fix this one!
NEWSFLASH! Jer stood like a zombie in the street–black SUV barreled outa nowhere–Ric shoved him outa the way and got creamed. Driven by Oopsie Hoodie Tony. Oh, but Ric has a GetOutOfDeathFreeRing of his own (supposed to work, it’s worked before?), so Jer and Elena hustled the body inside.
REAL ESTATE NEWS
Not exactly the HGTV Dream Home, Fortress Klaus is under renovation in MF. McMansion, anyone? There goes the neighborhood! Ty rushed straight over there to get scratched behind the ear for his good deeds getting Jer off the vervain. Um, what did he THINK was gonna happen?
Wrong target (Ric), but message delivered–Elena’s family suffers unless she gets Klaus what he wants. Ty is a tad upset about his part in the ruse. Klaus explained the hybrids and the bees to him–only the remains of a guilty conscience. Human life is a means to an end. A dead end.
JEWELRY FRAUD EXPOSED
Never trust cheap jewelry–especially if it was free from your dead-undead-finally-dead wife. It’ll TURN on you! Ric was still dead on the Gilbert couch while Damon, Elena, and Jer casually talk about him–after all, he’s been dead before (many times), right? No big. Oh, yeah, Jer got his vervain bracelet snatched by Ty (see what we mean about cheap jewelry–everybody wants it!).
While Ric was bleeding out on the couch, Damon explained to Elena about the coffins (how many times did we get this explanation in one episode?). Damon’s Plan A) The Scooby Gang finds the coffins first and voila! No one else on the Gilbert’s Christmas list needs to die. That’s the Big Plan, to steal back 4 dead originals?
Jer’s pissed. They’re all Wanted, Dead or Alive (props to Lexi and Bon Jovi). Jer’s Plan B) Let’s get the hell out of here. Elena’s Plan C) Give Bex back. Damon said NO NO NO. Can’t we all just get along? When Elena’s brain finally kicked in, how many coffins did you say there were?
Let’s call Bonnie! FOUR! Just like in her witchmare! Bon was totes sucked in by the “he tried to kill Jeremy” line, but no locator spell for Stef was necessary. Ahem, Bon KNEW where Stef was!
FICKLE WITCH NONSENSE
Hot on Stefan’s trail, Damon and Elena headed over to The Slayboy Mansion/Dust Bunny Hutch. As in the past, the passive aggressive witches no likey Damon, so he got fried, again/still. Used their juju to screw with his daywalker ring. Guess Rippah Stef was okay in their book. Bitches!
Alone inside, Elena ran into Stef, even though Damon eavesdropped from outside. Editorial comment: Isn’t it convenient how the supes can turn that ability on and off like a switch? Who would want all those voices in their heads all the time? Sookie, is that you? In his Cold Mode, Stef pronounced Bonnie sucky at secret keeping. Elena told him about the car incident.
AND HALF THE FANDOM SHRIEKED when Stef said, “Elena, stop talking.” Stef could care less if Klaus kills Jer. Not his problem. Elena bitch-slapped him and snarled, “Go to hell!” AND THE OTHER HALF OF THE FANDOM SHRIEKED. All together now, SWEAR!
Having heard it all, back outside Damon volunteered to talk to him. Or fry tryin. “You go deal with your brother, I’ll deal with mine“. Damon sizzles his way downstairs. We all know talking between these two inevitably ends up in fisticuffs (and some mutual choking and staking), and were not disappointed.
It’s kinda like a secret handshake with The Bros. Stef got an improv stake in the gut for screwing up Damon’s plan–stopped him from killing Klaus and THEN stole his family. Why? Nope, piece by piece Klaus took everything from Stef and he’s returning the favor wasn‘t good enough. And a “teensy” bit of the Old Stefan seeped out. Dun, dun, dun! “I did it to save you“. What? No way! Stop saving me! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Some time (and some scenes) later, since it was dark, Damon and Stefan were STILL arguing over brotherly love, wax on, wax off, deflection, and who was better at cutthroat and devious. BUT! They came to a mutual *cough* understanding to RID THE WORLD OF KLAUS ONCE AND FOR ALL. Just the two of them, Elena stays out of it. Yeah, right. Let us know how that works for ya, guys. (Note Stefan is quasi-concerned about Elena’s well-being, here. Shades of Old Stef again.)
Walk this way, Damon. Oh, hell to the no, the 100 Dead Witches will fry him if he goes inside again. Hey, the 100 Dead Witches want Klaus dead, too. Not only did they let Damon in with Stefan, but revealed the coffins. Hidden by witch magic! Wouldn’t you hate to stub your toe on one of those suckers in the dark at night?
DELIVERANCE, PART DEUX
Jer snuck up on Tyler drinking again in the woods. We said this was the Booze Episode! This time Jer meant business! No more Jyler–you backstabber! Jer shot at him in earnest this time (who‘s Earnest?). Ty looked like his inebriated hybrid brain was working, because he told Jer to get home and stay inside. Klaus is not done with Jer. Guilt or booze talking? Inquiring minds want to know.
EMERGENCY ROOM NOTES
Ric FINALLY rolled off the Gilbert couch, lookin like he needed a drink in the worst way. Elena returned home and shortly after Ric started coughing up blood. Ewww! What did we say about cheap jewelry turning on you? Do GetOutOfDeathFreeRings have expiration dates? 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Paramedics rushed to the scene, only to be compelled away by Tony the Soon-Headless Hybrid who wanted in. Hey, he offered his blood to heal Ric, right? BAM! Jer crossbowed him. Elena’s all “Jer, you grew a set!“ when he takes off to the kitchen for one of the Gilbert WMD knives-of-destruction, goes back out to the porch and WHACKS OFF HIS HEAD!
NOW he‘s got a set! (Remember Tyler’s lesson about Hybrid killing?) We actually heard a gasp from the world at this turn of events! Had to get Ric to the ER before Elena upchucked all over The Porch of Truth!
Cue new character, ER Dr. Meredith Fell. Yes, as in book Meredith, as in Founding Family Fell. Prognosis: internal hemorrhaging, 3 broken ribs and a severe concussion. She wanted more tests. Ah, but Ric’s a walk it off kinda guy. With some place (else) to be.
Following some feeble flirting Ric headed for the door. Dr. Meredith asked what Ric’s secret was, a guardian angel or did he sell his soul to the devil? Our reporter’s unanimous answer from the World was BOTH! (kinda sounds like Damon, didn’t it?)
Outside the ER, Ric was seen getting the 411 from Jer. He got a shot of Damon-blood on the way over to fix him up. Bromance back on! A tad of Faux-Dad bonding, you can talk to me, Jer! Jer’s gotta get used to the fact that stuff sucks. Wait! What? It was Sunday? No WONDER there was no school (but the bars were open)!
PLAN C IN ACTION
We all knew you can’t keep a good Elena Plan down. She invited Klaus over to Stately Salvatore Manor to play Let‘s Make a Deal. No news of Stefan (liar), but she offered something better. Bex. The life of his sister for the life of her brother? Deal. Klaus was a tiny bit taken aback that Elena was the one who daggered Bex, but he said he could control her revenginess.
Besides, he still needed Elena’s help finding Stef, and he KNOWS she‘s lying. With no shortage of loved ones around, who’s next–Bonnie–Caroline–wait for it……DAMON? Klaus turned Stef into an uncaring monster–he’s Klaus’ problem. Oh, and BTW, Elena’s not the only one Bex wants dead. She knows Klaus killed their mother. Don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out, Klaus.
NOT-SO NEARLY HEADLESS NICK DISPOSAL
We think Elena had a Star Trek transporter hidden somewhere under that semi-ugly lacy tee she was wearin, because she was EVERYWHERE this week. We next caught up with her cleaning up gore back at the Gilbert Kitchen (no longer Oz, because Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore!).
Damon took Tony the Headless Hybrid to Steven’s Quarry without so much as a drop of blood on him. Jer was spatter-faced when he did the deed, and Elena was now up to her elbows in plasma! Wet wipe! Tender moments were exchanged. Near-tears, shaking, brow wiping–awww, it’s gonna be okay. Elena fessed up to her Klaus deal involving Bex. (Damon did NOT, however, confess his “deal” with Stefan–we begin to see why this ep was called The New Deal). They don’t trust Klaus, they don’t trust Stefan–um, his brother’s sort of running his own show right now, and her brother just chopped off someone’s head. It’s not right, it’s not fair, Jer shouldn’t have to live like this. Shaking and tears means only one thing! Face cuddle! We have to fix it. Lip staring. Breathe, everyone, not yet!
Mystic Falls’ Save-A-Sibling movement gained momentum this week via a couple of unusual events. Klaus brought Bex back to the new Family Fortress. BUT, he restaked her just as she started to wake up. He couldn’t seem to live with the truth of the 1000-year-old lie he’s been feeding her about how their mother died. How tragic! They’ll meet again one day. *sigh*
Our second incident came in the form of a dysfunctional family get-together in Jer’s room. Elena and Alaric came in to tell Jer he was right about the pack up and go plan. Damon arrived and did The Mighty Kreskin talk, again. Go to Denver, live with family friends a long time, meet new girls, drink a few beers–Ric added he’s gotta leave MF behind and never think twice about it. Elena cried. You’ll have a better life Jeremy.
(Cue the sad end of epi music, which totes tore the fandom in half–reported hate/love, as usual. Give it an unbiased look-see. It was “Holding On and Letting Go” by Ross Copperman)
DRAWN TO THE FOURSOME
Bonnie showed her new BFF Stefan which coffin she was drawn to in the witchmare. Which won’t open, not with a blowtorch, an axe, or a crowbar, Stef tried. Aha! It’s closed with a spell. Want to make Klaus suffer? Witches led Bonnie there for a reason. The answer is inside! There‘s a prize in every box! (to be continued…)
PORCH OF TRUTH
Don’t we all just love a good Porch of Truth ending? Much like Founder’s Day, only it was really Elena this time, and she was the one thanking Damon for seeing her as worth saving. Lingering looks. Damon confessed that Stefan didn’t screw them over without a good reason. He saved Klaus to save him. Stole the coffins to get even. What does it mean? It means he’s an idiot. He thought for one second he wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore for wanting what he wants.
His expression of guilt clearly got Elena thinking maybe Stef wasn’t in “off” mode after all. But Eye Sex also CLEARLY got to her. Guilty Damon, “I know, brother’s girl and all,” and started to walk away. You know what? Eff this shit, if I’m gonna feel guilty I’m gonna feel guilty about THIS. And the world stood still for the DE shippers. Good night.
WOOBIE WORD OF THE WEEK
“Feisty” “Devious“, nope. Not good enough. Since we’re back from a long hiatus, we’re pulling out the big guns and going for the Woobie PHRASE of the week. “Somebody’s gettin NAKED!” Drink it, Woobie, drink, it all!
NOTE TO READERS: We’re waiting for your 2012 theories, and to see which side of this insurmountable fence you fell on! Tell us in the comments! All five of you! We love to hear from you!
MAK turned her obsessive habit of TVD tweeting and commenting on other people’s recaps into The Mystic Falls Messenger. She loves the stuffins out of all things vampire, especially The Vampire Diaries. Follow her shameless tweets @mak75231 so she doesn’t feel ignored!