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#Legacies Snark, Episode 7 “Death Keeps Knocking on My Door”

Like most of the episodes of The Vampire Diaries and The Originals, there is NEVER a moment to catch your breath. Between the word-daggers being thrown – in times of anger, and in fun – one-liners full of teenaged angst, and those gut-twisting monologues . . . there’s always something pulling at you, emotionally.

And this episode was no different.

So here comes the snark!

Hope: I’m no stranger to death, but that doesn’t mean I wanna talk about it. Once a year, for Remembrance Day, we’re asked to write letters to our lost loved ones. We sign our names, fold them up and scatter them throughout the cemetery. I usually don’t see the point in it – why write to the dead? I’d rather not think about it at all, except lately, death keeps knocking on my door.

Alaric: * slams butcher knife into Necromancer’s head *
Necromancer: Was that really necessary?
Alaric: I told you, I need answers.

Alaric: We’ve been at this for days. Answer my questions, or I’m gonna peel your skin off like a grape and shower you with battery acid.
Necromancer: A rather grotesque effort, considering it will feel like the delicate tickle of a feather.
Alaric: Alright, let’s see how this feels.
Hope: Dr Saltzman.

Necromancer: You’re lucky that’s all I did. The way you’ve treated a man of my stature, you should be ashamed.
Alaric: Literally, nobody knows who you are!

Hope: I take it things aren’t going well?
Alaric: He’s a diva.

Hope: Is there a way to stop him from bringing back dead people? Because, if this week is any indication, it’s kind of becoming a thing.
Dorian: I’ll look into it. But. Tomorrow is my day off. So . . . it might take a minute.
Hope: Evil never takes a holiday, Dorian.

Dorian: I think after the week he’s [Alaric] had, he needs a nap . . . and a therapist.


Necromancer: You have a powerful scent of death about you. It’s quite lovely, really.

Necromancer: A lifetime’s work! My legacy! Reduced to something as pitiful as a brand of sorcery?!

Necromancer: If I return the knife to Malivore, I will be free.
Hope: Of what?
Necromancer: The Blackness. The Void. The Oblivion.
Hope: Do you ever just say things once?! And, more importantly, do you know how to get there?

Alaric: That’s not a good idea.
Cassie: I need to call my mom.

Cassie: I’m hungry. I need a shower.
Alaric: That’s not a problem.
Cassie: And then I’d like to get to the bottom of how you murdered me.

Hope: Do you remember how you died?
Necromancer: I was wandering the beach of Normandy, in need of a pick-me-up, so I thought I’d resurrect a few Gis to toy with some Nazis . . .
Hope: I’m glad to hear even evil creatures don’t like Nazis.
Necromancer: Nobody likes Nazis.

Hope: But, theoretically, that memory still exists. What if there were a way to access it?
Necromancer: You wanna take a walk through my subconscious? Ooh, hoo, ooh. Well, at your own peril, my dear. I’m just not sure you’re quite tall enough to ride the scary rides. I assume you’ve got a powerful vampire handy?
Hope: Absolutely.

Kaleb: Come on, push it up.
MG: It’s too much.
Kaleb: It’s not nearly enough. Weak-ass bunny blood muscles talking.
MG: Ain’t got nothin’ to do with bunny blood, it’s just heavy.
Kaleb: Oh yeah? I was on a hunger strike for four days, and can still smoke that skinny ass. Think about that.

Hope: MG, do you know how to do a head dive?
MG: Is that a thing?
Hope: It is, it just takes a little . . . um . . . precision.
MG: I don’t know, you might want to ask Kaleb.
Hope: Kaleb’s not on our Avengers Squad, now is he? Now, not a word of this to Dr Saltzman.

Rafael: She thinks that I killed her.
Alaric: Technically, you did.
Rafael: It was an accident.
Alaric: It doesn’t make her any less dead.

Alaric: I would rather spend a lifetime, slaying dragons, than have another student go through what you and I have just experienced at the hands of this creature. Look, the only advice that I can offer you is to find closure. When someone is taken from us, too soon, it can haunt us forever. Use this time well. Make your peace with her.

Necromancer: You have no reason to fear me.
MG: You’re basically the Grim Reaper.
Necromancer: The Reaper is a carnival sideshow hack! You dirty your mouth, mentioning him in my presence. Perhaps I should summon your Nanna to wash it out with soap.
MG: No, you leave my Nanna be. Don’t nobody need to be whooped by Nanna right now.

Necromancer: I’ll be damned. I mean, I’m obviously damned, but it WORKED!

Necromancer: Your father was good for my business, ALWAYS killing people.
Hope: How do you know about my dad?
Necromancer: Well, he’s standing right behind you. * pause * KIDDING! Kidding. But, his spirit is all around you. Plus, he and I did our fair share of drinking here, when he was at his most murder-y.

Necromancer: Sure you do! You want to know if he’s at peace, or if he’s suffering? Regretting his sacrifice? After all, he did die to save your life. A lovely gesture for such a mercurial man. Not to bother, I’m not telling you anything until we’ve finished our journey.

Necromancer: Oh, how I love the macabre!

Hope: First of all . . . OW! Second . . . I’m here, k? I climbed your endless staircase down to your bottomless pit of dispair. Let’s call an end to the torture, okay?

Hope: Okay, enough of this. I get it. You want me to admit what I want from you. But, you’re wrong. I’m at peace with my dad. Yes, he died because of me, but that was his choice. I’ve come to terms with it. You’re wrong about me, I don’t need to know anything.

Hope: Okay. Fine. Yes. I wanna know about my dad. My family said he must’ve died with love in his heart, and that he should’ve found peace, but how am I supposed to know if that’s true? I need to know that he’s not alone. Because I can’t live with myself if he’s alone. No one should ever have to be alone like this. Please.

Necromancer: Ohhhh. Hey!!
Hope: Don’t hey me, get me out of here!
Necromancer: With pleasure. Oops. Daddy’s home.

Kaleb: Hey, what’s up?
MG: If I’m going to be a vampire, I need to be strong enough to handle whatever comes along with it. People get hurt, if I’m weak. So, feed me blood. Feed me whatever it takes.
Kaleb: Hallelujah, the prodigal son has returned.

Necromancer: Back for more?
Hope: Tell me where my father is!
Necromancer: I will tell you everything you want to know, but wouldn’t you like to know what I’ve just learned of Malivore first?

Dorian: It’s my day off. We talked about this, ‘Ric.
Alaric: Hope has sealed me in my office, and I need to get out.
Dorian: Just wait til the spell wears off.
Alaric: She’s trying to negotiate with a Necromancer!
Dorian: ‘Ric, I’m off the clock. This is the only day I take off all year. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Dorian: It’s my day off. We talked about this, ‘Ric.
Alaric: Hope has sealed me in my office, and I need to get out.

Dorian: Just wait til the spell wears off.
Alaric: She’s trying to negotiate with a Necromancer!
Dorian: ‘Ric, I’m off the clock. This is the only day I take off all year. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Kaleb: Alright, we’re in Vegas and this here is the all-you-can-eat buffet. Alright, we’ve got the omlette station right here. That there is the seafood tower. * passes Dorian * Chocolate fountain. * giggles *

Kaleb: Ok, young grasshopper. It’s called: snarch, eat, erase. I read about it in Dr Saltzman’s books about those Salvatore dudes that used to live in our school.
MG: I feel bad.
Kaleb: Don’t feel bad, brother. They’re food. Okay? It’s like eatin’ a burger, you feel bad about the cow?
MG: Sometimes.

Necromancer: Come on, look on the bright side. You can get back to the daily grind of your young life, and, in moments, when the knife is returned to Malivore, I will be free to find peace. As for your father . . . he watches over you every day. He did die with love in his heart, and he doesn’t regret his choice. Be he won’t find peace, until you do. Good luck with that.

Hope: Dear Dad, I’m no stranger to death, but that doesn’t mean I wanna talk about it. Once a year, for Remembrance Day, we’re asked to write letters to our lost loved ones. We sign our names, fold them up, and then scatter them throughout the cemetery. I usually don’t see the point in it. Why write to the dead? I’d rather not think about it all, except lately, death keeps knocking on my door. Today, I messed up. Bad. I messed up in ways, that is you were here, you’d be so disappointed in me. I’m not sure I know how to fix it. I was told today that you will never find peace, until I’ve found it in myself. I hope that was a lie, told to punish me. God knows, I deserved that. But, if it’s true, I’m gonna do better. Today I saw a glimpse of what true lonliness feels like, of what lies in store for me if I don’t find my own peace, so I’m gonna get to work on that. I’m glad to know you’re with me, but I look forward to the day when you’re not. I love you. Hope.

Hope: I’m sorry I didn’t have your back today. Apparently, I was too busy launching phase one of Mali-pocalypse.
Rafael: It’s ok. Dr Saltzman. He had my back. He’s still mad at you, huh?
Hope: He’s probably gonna be mad at me for a while.
Rafael: Yeah, well, at least with the knife gone we’ll maybe get some quiet around here.
Hope: I wonder if that’s possible. Hope: I’m sorry I didn’t have your back today. Apparently, I was too busy launching phase one of Mali-pocalypse.
Rafael: It’s ok. Dr Saltzman. He had my back. He’s still mad at you, huh?
Hope: He’s probably gonna be mad at me for a while.

Rafael: Yeah, well, at least with the knife gone we’ll maybe get some quiet around here.
Hope: I wonder if that’s possible.

Join us for episode 8 on Thursday for more snark, zingers, one-liners, words that make us cry, and words that make our hearts happy.



Allison Smith


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