I am seriously loving the “monster of the week” way this show is going. It really takes me back.
But, what REALLY gets me? All those snarky one-liners. And let’s not forget those tear-jerking speeches. Or the angsty teen stuff. It’s alllllll good.
And here they are, this week’s snark (etc):
Hope: Are you sure it glowed again?
Alaric: I sleep with the damned thing under my pillow, it’s hard to miss.
Hope: What do you think it’s gonna be this time, hm? Cyclops? Slender Man? Santa?
Alaric: Well, given our luck, I think it’s safe to rule out Ol’ Saint Nick.
Hope: I dunno. I mean, Santa Claus is kinda terrifying when you think about it. Breaks into your home. Sees you when you’re sleeping. Not to mention . . . judgy.
Hope: I just wish that Satan’s Night Light would give us some rest.
Alaric: And I wish that knife was never in our school to begin with, but it’s not like we can change that now. All we can do is make sure we’re not blindsided by another monster waltzing through our door.
* doors open, twins appear *
Hope: Too late.
Genie: Come on, you beautiful beast, say the magic words . . .
Lizzie: I wish Hope had never come to this school.
* shrieks *
Where did you come from?!
Genie: First things first, I’m –
Lizzie: Blue! You’re so blue.
Genie: My name is Ablah.
Lizzie: And you’re obviously a monster.
Ablah: Would a monster grant your wish?
Lizzie: Holy crap! You’re a freaking genie.
Ablah: Jinni, and your wish is my command.
Lizzie: Dad, what time is it? I had the weirdest dream – what happened to your face?
Alaric: Quit stalling. It’s time. For fight training.
Lizzie: Pass. I’m not really in the mood to see Hope being a ninja today, Dad.
Alaric: I’m really proud of you guys. Now, help your old man up.
Jed: This place is a turd stain.
Lizzie: The maintenance staff must be on holiday, or something.
Josie: Right. I’ll tell dad to add that to the budget after he pays the gas bill.
Lizzie: W-wait. Are we poor?
Josie: Lizzie, you know how expensive it is to run this place. How hard it is to get benefactors. I mean, Damon Salvatore has been as generous as he can be, but he and Elena have kids of their own that they need to take care of.
Josie: You really saved the day. Look at him. He looks so happy.
Lizzie: Yay, me.
Josie: And we have a couple of tours later today. Now that we have a tribrid, we’re in the game for real.
Lizzie: Oh screw this. Genie! Genie!
Ablah: Jinnie. J I N N, adding I at the end –
Lizzie: – to sound exactly like Genie. Now, tell me something. Are all J I N N Is so terrible at their jobs or did you miss the part where I wished for Hope NOT to go here?
Ablah: “I wish Hope had never come to this school,” and she hadn’t, until today. Fascinating that your father’s dream couldn’t be realized without her presence, isn’t it?
Lizzie: Go back inside your lamp.
Ablah: You must choose your words carefully. Precision is key. I can only grant what it is you wish for, so you should figure out exactly what your heart desires or, in your case, what it does not.
Lizzie: Well, what my heart does not desire is Hope always showing up here, always to be my dad’s pet. So . . . I wish that there was never a Salvatore School to begin with.
Ablah: Your wish is my command.
Dana: Lizzie Bear, relax. There’s only so much a doctor can raise your dosage before my mom’s pharmacy will plum run out of pills.
Lizzie: Is it just me, or is Dad a little day drunk?
Josie: When isn’t he?
Josie: How could you forget?
Lizzie: I’m sure I didn’t forget, just remind me?
Josie: Homecoming dance is tonight.
Lizzie: I know. How do I not have a date?
Josie: This isn’t about you, Lizzie.
Lizzie: Yeah, I’m totally getting that.
Josie: What I need you to do is get Dad’s watch, like you promised. Stephanie Salvatore’s dad gave him the watch. It’s a magical object that I can siphon so I can take things to the next level with Connor.
Lizzie: And, by, um, “take things to the next level” you mean –
Josie: I’m going to show him I’m a witch.
Lizzie: Oh, thank god. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that is a terrible idea, but for a second I thought –
Josie: – I’m gonna have sex with him.
Lizzie: Yeah. That was it.
Lizzie: This is so lame.
Ablah: Tell me about it.
Lizzie: You suck at granting wishes.
Ablah: No, you suck at making them.
Lizzie: You are totally manipulating things to make me miserable. There isn’t a world in which this would happen.
Ablah: Shhhhhhh. You’re going to wake up your father. Oh, maybe not then. But, for the record, I can’t lie. Everything that you’re experiencing is, in fact, a potential reality that has occurred as a direct result of your wish.
Ablah: This world does make sense, when you think about it. Your father built the Salvatore School so you could thrive. You and your sister was born of a dangerous coven known for breeding psychotics, so he built a safe place to shield you from your darkest impulses. And then you went and wished his dream away because it wasn’t perfect. Well, now the students here don’t care about protecting your fragile ego. So, you’re the school freak, and your sister gets to shine.
Lizzie: Just tell me how to get out of here.
Ablah: Well, you could use another wish. But, like I said, language is important. And besides, you think I wanna be here? I’ve spent nearly 500 years granting awful wishes for self-involved humans before we even met.
Lizzie: This isn’t about you.
Ablah: I rest my case.
Lizzie: Screw this world. I want my final wish.
Ablah: Have you even noticed how pleased the rest of your family seems with this reality.
Lizzie: They’re my freaking wishes. Right?
Ablah: Indeed. But if this is to be your third wish, might I suggest you wish for what you truly want. Isolate your biggest problem. Show it no mercy.
Lizzie: I wish Hope Mikaelson was never born.
Ablah: Your wish is my command.
Kaleb: Hey, hey, what’s your name? Sun’s almost down, you can’t stay here.
Jed: Patrols’ll be out soon, we gotta move.
Lizzie: Where the Hell are we?
Kaleb: Damn, white girl. Mystic Falls. You said your father could help us get outta here. Maybe down to Mexico.
Jed: Dr Saltzman is your father, right? You know where to find him?
Lizzie: Why are all their eyes scratched out?
Kaleb: Because they are finally free.
Jed: Hey, come on.
Kaleb: Death is better than being hunted by Triad’s new star, friend.
Ablah: Third wish is always tricky. Better luck on your next one!
Lizzie: My next one? I get another wish?
Ablah: Whoever told you a jinni only grants three?
Lizzie: Aladdin? Every genie story ever!
Ablah: A jinni can grant, or ignore, any wish they chose. We won’t work against our own self-interests – you can forget about wishing me dead – but if you’d like another wish to reset your life right back to where we began, I can do that. On one condition.
Lizzie: Anything. What?
Ablah: You give me the urn.
Ablah: Said the pot to the kettle.
Lizzie: You’re gonna get slaughtered, and it’s all my fault.
Alaric: No, it’s my fault. I should’ve never kept that secret from you.
Lizzie: What secret?
Alaric: Your mom and I were waiting for the right time to tell you a piece of your family history, but we waited too long.
Lizzie: What family history?
Alaric: There’s something that happens to twins born into your coven – like you and Josie. When you turn 22, the Gemini must merge.
Alaric: It’s a battle of will, only the strongest of the two twins will survive it.
Lizzie: No, Dad, I’ve been to other places – other realities – and I know that that sounds crazy but you need to believe me. You always do everything that you can to protect me and Josie. Time after time, world after world.
Alaric: Then I wish we could be in one of your other worlds right now.
Lizzie: No matter what happens, I need you to hear this, to believe me: There’s a world where your dream came true.
Alaric: I love you. I love you so much.
Lizzie: Zip it, Smurfette!
Lizzie: Ok, fine. Bouncing through your wonky worlds taught me something. I am selfish. I’ve made mistakes. But giving you the urn would be the biggest mistake of all. It could ruin everyone’s life. Destroy my father’s dream of making any reality a better place. It’s bad enough that I did that to him time after time, I can’t do it again.
Ablah: You sure about that?
Lizzie: When I fix this, he’ll be fine. And I won’t give you the satisfaction of breaking me.
Ablah: You were already broken, that’s why I chose you in the first place.
Lizzie: That just means you can’t break me anymore. So, read my lips: I am never wishing you that urn. If you want it so bad, why didn’t you just take it when it was right in front of you? Because you can’t. That’s it, isn’t it?
Lizzie: I wish that you had never met the monster that sent you to Malivore.
Ablah: If I never went to Malivore –
Lizzie: – you would’ve completed your 500 years of service.
Ablah: I’d be free.
Lizzie: That’s my wish, take it or leave it.
Ablah: Your wish is my command.
Lizzie: BOOM! Suck on that!
Ablah: But, there is a catch. We will never’ve met either, which means –
Lizzie: – I won’t remember the merge.
Ablah: No, not consciously. You’ll be just like all those pour souls I helped over the centuries, who used their final wishes to reset their realities.
Lizzie: What happened to them?
Ablah: They found their worlds, just as they’d left them, only their minds weren’t. Because, somehow, our journey stayed with them and slowly drove them insane. It’s like you said, there’s always a loophole with magic.
Ablah: I thank you for my freedom, Lizzie.
Josie: What’s happened? Why are you suffocating me?
Lizzie: I have no idea.
Lizzie: Look, I don’t know when it started, but on a fundamental level, I think I’m broken. And I realize this is all very sudden, but I just – for whatever reason – have this feeling that something terrible is gonna happen if I don’t change.
Lizzie: I think I’m losing my mind. Any thoughts?
Pedro: I don’t know, Lizzie, sounds like you got a lot going on.
Lizzie: Isn’t it past your curfew, Pedro? Go to bed. And leave the sandwich.
Pedro: But you said you wanted to talk.
Lizzie: Did I? Can’t imagine why.
I can’t wait to see how all of this plays out!
Tune in to the next episode, to see what snark gets thrown!