Legacies Snark: 104 “Hope is Not the Goal”
These are so much fun to write, because I think they’re really the heart of this show. With The Vampire Diaries and The Originals, I feel as though the snark was just part of it. With Legacies, I almost feel like the snark defines the show.
It is, after all, a show about teenagers. And who’s better at snark than teenagers?
So, here goes!
MG: Come on, man. I’m a loveable virgin, it’s not my time!
Alaric: Given our recent influx of monsters, the Sheriff and I have decided we need to take drastic action. Please give him your full attention.
Kaleb: Stop looking at me. You heard Ol’ Blue Eyes, Dana has a history of running away.
Lizzie: Well, I guess I can set aside my differences with Dana for a day. Because that is what heros do. So, I volunteer . . . as tribute.
Hope: She battles one gargoyle, and suddenly she’s Mother Theresa.
Alaric: Who are you and what have you done with Hope Mikaelson?
Hope: Never got to go to a real school. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be normal for a day instead of being a tribrid loner.
Alaric: Yeah, well, that’s a bed you made for yourself.
Hope: Not looking for a social lecture. So what’s your plan with Landon, does he like go here now?
Alaric: Why, you still thinking about murdering him? Cuz there’s a knife that sat dormant for centuries that started attracting mystic creatures the day he took possession of it. I’d say there’s a lot we need to learn about him.
Hope: Any idea what to do with him while we search for Mean Girls?
Alaric: As a matter of fact . . . yes.
Rafael: They gave you some clothes, that has to be a good sign.
Landon: From 1993!
Lizzie: I was making an entrance, MopHead!
Landon: Sorry, I was just having a flashback of my freshman year here.
Lizzie: Girls are missing, so get your wedgie trauma in check, or leave.
Lizzie: OK, here’s the deal. Landon, you talk to any of the people you still know from when you went here. Hope, you try to not deliberately alienate the entire student body while the rest of us save the world.
Hope: This isn’t a contest, Lizzie.
Lizzie: You’re right, its a mission. For a hero. And her league of . . . whatevers.
Kaleb: Yeah, screw that, I work alone.
Alpha Dog Jed: Bounce, witch. Rafael and I need to have a little chat.
Rafael: As soon as Josie and I are done.
Alpha Dog Jed: Actually, noob, I’m your alpha so you’re done when I say you’re done.
Josie: Ooooooo. Would you look at the time?! As fun as this hurricane of toxic masculinity is, I have to get to class.
Rafael: I’ll walk you.
Matt: Think its safe to say she’s not a runaway.
Lizzie: Compulsion fail! Hope’s probably doing a victory lap by now. What’s with the performance anxiety?!
MG: I think you’re distracting me.
Lizzie: I’m wearing polyester!
MG: And you’re totally pulling it off.
MG: You smell like gummi bears.
Lizzie: * epic eye roll *
Alaric: I need to talk to everybody.
MG: We split up.
Alaric: Lizzie, I told you to work together!
Lizzie: In order to conquer, we had to divide, Daddy, so it looks like you’re going to have to trust your own gene pool for once. Sorry to disappoint!
Landon: Who are you right now? And what is that thing on your head?
Hope: Its a gift . . . from Cheryl.
Landon: You’re better than this, Hope.
Hope: Relax, Eyeore.
Landon: Trust me.
Hope: Trusting you is what got us into this mess.
Hope: So do you want to play “good cop” or “bad cop,” because I don’t think “emo cop” is a thing.
Lizzie: Come on, guys, let’s go. It’s hero time!
Hope: To the Blonde-mobile.
Kaleb: Oh damn, what’d that girl eat?
Lizzie: I think her soul just got on my shoes. Ew.
Rafael: You’re the one talking about making change, right?
Josie: I meant adding an elective, not launching a revolution!
Landon: What’s it gonna be? Huh? Toilet bowl? Trash can? Bloody nose? Say something, you dick!
(I can’t think of a better summation of High School . . . at least MY experience in High School.)
Lizzie: This is nerd porn, not real life!
MG: So are dragons and gargoyles!
Lizzie: If we had something from it, we could do a tracking spell.
Landon: Would its face work?
Rafael: That was unexpected.
Rafael: Don’t be. Did it work?
Josie: I don’t know, the room’s still spinning.
MG: It’s for you. No way I’m telling your Dad what we’re about to do.
Lizzie: I suck at lying. You’re great at it.
Landon: You’re his favorite.
Hope: You’re the hero!
Lizzie: Hi Daddy!!
Alaric: Hey, thought I’d call, check in, see how things are going.
Lizzie: So good.
Alaric: Really? Define good, Lizzie. Because I don’t think that involves me tracking down Dana’s body to the glove compartment!
(I’ve NEVER seen teenagers play “hot potato” with a cellphone before! That was hilarious!)
Rafael: You saw what they did to me, I don’t think going Lone Wolf is an option anymore. Do you?
Josie: Don’t look at me, I’m a twin, I don’t do anything solo.
Hope: So much for my plan of spending the day as a normal teenaged girl. You did good back there.
Landon: Yeah, felt nice to be part of the team. Until you all accused me of being a monster.
Hope: I’m sorry.
Landon: I don’t know why I was drawn to that knife anymore than I can explain why a super-sized spider inhabited the body of a kid who used to bully me in high school. I don’t know why creatures we’ve only read about in books are making cameos in Mystic Falls. I don’t have an explanation for any of this. Let’s be honest, neither do any of you. So as far as I can see, we’re supposed to be in this together. And this morning, all I wanted to be was sitting here, apart of all of this, spending time with you, but all day long you ridiculed me. And then hung me out to dry . . .when it mattered. You wanted to know what it’d be like to be normal? Congrats, Hope, you’re officially normal.
I really think by calling Hope “normal” here, he means “bitch.” Cuz, he’s right, she was kind of a bitch to him. I mean, I can’t say that I exactly BLAME her for treating him like crap – he’s earned that – but, at the same time, he’s trying to redeem himself.
Alaric: There are no buts, Lizzie. OK? Being a hero is not more important than being safe.
Lizzie: I’m not a hero, Dad. But the only reason I was trying to be is because that’s how you’re always treating Hope. Let’s be honest, she’s better at it than I’ll ever be.
Alaric: Hope is not the goal. Hope is a cautionary tale. And the reasons I trust her are the last things I’d ever what the two of you to experience. That’s why I founded this school. That’s why there are rules.
Josie: The only reason we’re alive today is because we broke the rules.
Alaric: Oh god, this is that moment they talk about, when parents lose all control.
Josie & Lizzie: Dad.
Alaric: I will take it under consideration. Now. Go to bed. I love you. Sort of.
And that, my friends, is how you sum up how parents feel about their teenagers. “I love you. Sort of.” Because, maaaaaaaaan, they push.
Matt: I’ve been doing this too long, ‘Ric. If your kids are a threat, I’ll be coming for them.
Alaric: If you threaten my kids, Sheriff, I’ll be the one coming for you.
Alaric: Yeah, I know why its quiet on your end. We had a visit from an ancient body-snatching spider today.
Dorian: Yeah, that’s an . . . interesting development.
Alaric: Listen, why don’t you come home. We were wrong. Nothing’s coming your way.
Dorian: Hold that thought.
Yeah, Alaric . . . “hold that thought,” because that is very much something coming Dorian’s way.
But, Dorian seems like he’s ok with weird, so he should be fine, right?
Tune in tonight to find out!!