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#Legacies Snark: 101 “This is the Part Where You Run”

Every episode penned by – or in which she is just partially involved – Julie Plec is bound to be filled with one-liners, zingers, the occasional moving speech, and my personal favorite . . . snark.

In this series of posts, I’ll do the same as I did for The Vampire Diaries and The Originals and pick my favorites of all the above, and put them all in one place for your enjoyment!

I call it Snark, because its my favorite, and because all of that would never fit in a headline!

Buckle your seat belts – even those on your brooms (I hear those are dangerous) – cuz here we go!

Hope: When we’re young, we’re taught the distinction between a hero and a villain, good and evil, a savior and a lost cause. But what if the only real difference is who’s telling the story? My name is Hope Mikaelson. I come from a long line of the villains and the tales you’ve heard of about vampires, werewolves, witches, and everything in between.

Landon: Its not right. You’re not Catholic! You shouldn’t have to confess your sins!

Rafael: I tossed a lawnmower through the patio doors, bra. If apologizing to God gets Hector and Marie off my back, so be it.

Hope: You’re gonna wanna stay out here, Landon, trust me.

Alaric: Shut down the Exorcist, will you?

Alaric: How do you two know each other?

Hope: He used to serve me milkshakes at the Mystic Grill.

Landon: Peanut Butter Blast, with whipped cream on the bottom. We danced once.

Hope: We tried. And then you moved away.

Landon: And then you made a door blow off its hinges with your brain. Feel like explaining that?

Lizzie and Josie: Morning, Hope!

Hope: Morning, girls!

Lizzie: More like dispair.

Hope: I heard that!

Alaric: I’m curious, Landon – SLOW DOWN – were you aware of us when you lived in Mystic Falls?

Landon: I knew Hope went to some fancy boarding school. People in town said it was for troubled rich kids. I see the rich part is true. Nobody in town mentioned anyone in here could do that.

Landon: What is there to know, exactly?

Alaric: Well, I used to have a speech prepared, carefully unpeeling the layers of mystical history, but it turns out most people have read Harry Potter and are actually cool with me skipping the tee-up.

Landon: You’re a school for magic?

Alaric: I have some questions about Raphael.

Landon: Like what?

Alaric: Like who he killed, recently.

Lizzie: The wolves are pretty clique-y. They like to hang with their own.

Lizzie: That is why we volunteered to be your tour guide. To give you a good witch welcome before your hairier brethren corrupt you.

Lizzie: Come on. We’ll show you the turret. Its where the seniors go to smoke.

Rafael: What do they smoke, eye of newt?

Josie: Weed.

Alaric: Landon Kirby, Milton Greasley.

Milton: Come on, Dr Saltzman.

Alaric: Right, MG, I’m sorry. Take it from a guy named Alaric, I get it. MG is my student aide.

Hope: He’s also a vampire.

Landon: Of course he is. You know, with a school with a secret to keep. you’re kinda liberal with your information.

Alaric: Well, we don’t intend for you to actually remember any of it.

Landon: I’m in a witch dungeon.

Hope: A werewolf transition space.

Landon: Super. I’m not so good with small spaces.

Lizzie: Melissa Chang made a broom fly last year in Physics last year, but Rick Rodgers fell 30 feet during practice, so real-life Quidditch remains an illusive pipe dream.

Lizzie: I’m nosy, not like in a charming way.

Lizzie: On the plus side, we’re all happy to know you’re single. Oh god. That was my inside voice. I am so sorry. Guys like you make me nervous.

Rafael: Guys like me?

Lizzie: You know . . . hot. Angry. Damaged.

Alaric: Cheater.

Hope: You should really let a vampire start doing my training, you’re getting a little old for me to break your human bones.

Alaric: How dare you.

Hope: You’re the one that’s always telling me that I need to get out more.

Alaric: I tell you that you need to stop locking yourself in your dorm room, binge-watching Cut Throat Kitchen, I don’t tell you to go out and fraternize with the human locals.

Josie: Dad. Clean up on isle L.

Hope: Can’t sleep either?

Landon: Yeah, small spaces. You?

Hope: Sometimes I get restless.

Landon: Busy brain?

Hope: Busy everything. My body has a lot going on inside of it.

Landon: Which is an awesome segue into you telling me how you can move things with your mind.

Hope: You ask a lot of questions.

Landon: Wouldn’t you?

Alaric: * rings singing bowl * Breathe.

Lizzie: Dad, this is lame.

Alaric: You almost gave me a tracheotomy with a bread knife. Humor me.

Lizzie: Dad. Do you think I’m broken?

Alaric: Of course not. I think your biological mother’s crazy-assed witch ancestors left you with a legacy of darkness that you have to work through.

Lizzie: But Josie doesn’t have freak outs.

Alaric: But Josie spends a lot of time worrying about other people’s happiness. Its a supernatural phenomena called codependency. And I’m pretty sure she got it from my side of the family.

Hope: Don’t touch that.

Landon: Sorry! I didn’t. I mean, I wasn’t. Where are we?

Hope: The Stefan Salvatore Memorial Library. All of the artifacts in here have a supernatural history.

Landon: What’s the story on this one?

Hope: No idea. But, in my experience, your safest bet is to not touch it.

Landon: So, I guess this means you’re a werewolf. He says. Casually.

Hope: I’m a lot of things.

Landon: Care to elaborate?

Hope: They’re just going to make you forget tomorrow.

Landon: Come on. Humor me.

MG: We’ll get in trouble.

Penelope: I know. Seriously? I’m offering to rock your world right now.

MG: For one, we’re not supposed to. For two, last I checked you were more into girls. And for three –

Penelope: No one asked you to bring math into this conversation.

 

Hope: The blood that runs in my veins isn’t human.

Landon: Klaus Mikaelson: The Great Evil.

Hope: He wasn’t very popular around here.

Landon: Well, our foster dad used to burn us with his cigarettes. I guess evil is relative.

Hope: My mother was a werewolf alpha.

Landon: There’s that “was” again.

Hope: People that I care about have a tendency to die on me. I try not to get close to people anymore.

Landon: Yeah, I can see that.

Hope: My grandmother was a witch. So, all of those things passed down, making me –

Landon: A unicorn.

Hope: – a hybrid of three different creatures. Tribrid. I can control when I turn, which is what I was doing tonight. I’m the only one of my kind.

Landon: Yeah, see. Unicorn.

Josie: I just saw MG with his tongue down you-know-who’s throat.

Lizzie: Gross. He should know better than to make out with the Dark Lord. Bad friend move.

Landon: You are a really nice person, Hope Mikaelson.

Landon: This is the part where you run.

Hope: Yeah, I know.

Landon: I’m not gonna remember any of this, am I?

Hope: Probably not, no.

Landon: Well…in that case.

Alaric: For ten years, we’ve gone undetected. Protecting you, protecting our secret, has been our singular mission. Tonight, I need your help to find Landon Kirby, before he exposes us all.

Josie: Why does everyone find her so special?

MG: She’s not special. She’s just . . . available.

Hope: I need your help.

Josie: Three more words to me than your annual average. Find someone else.

Hope: This stuff with Landon is my fault. I can fix it. I know how to track him, but it involves Dark Magic.

Josie: Well, we’re not allowed to use Dark Magic here, so . . .

Hope: Says the girl who just lit her ex on fire.

Josie: Are you blackmailing me?

Hope: No. No. I’m just looking for a kindred spirit in revenge.

Hope: Funny how life works. After years of pushing people away, I opened my heart to Landon Kirby, the human in the wrong place at the right time, who just needed a place to belong. Turns out, Landon isn’t the hero of my story at all. But when I hunt him down, I’m gonna be the villain of his.

Tune in on Thursday – if you’re not still in a candy coma – and let’s see what verbal tangles we can get in this week!



Allison Smith


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