Every episode penned by – or in which she is just partially involved – Julie Plec is bound to be filled with one-liners, zingers, the occasional moving speech, and my personal favorite . . . snark.
In this series of posts, I’ll do the same as I did for The Vampire Diaries and The Originals and pick my favorites of all the above, and put them all in one place for your enjoyment!
I call it Snark, because its my favorite, and because all of that would never fit in a headline!
Buckle your seat belts – even those on your brooms (I hear those are dangerous) – cuz here we go!
Hope: When we’re young, we’re taught the distinction between a hero and a villain, good and evil, a savior and a lost cause. But what if the only real difference is who’s telling the story? My name is Hope Mikaelson. I come from a long line of the villains and the tales you’ve heard of about vampires, werewolves, witches, and everything in between.
Landon: Its not right. You’re not Catholic! You shouldn’t have to confess your sins!
Rafael: I tossed a lawnmower through the patio doors, bra. If apologizing to God gets Hector and Marie off my back, so be it.
Hope: You’re gonna wanna stay out here, Landon, trust me.
Alaric: Shut down the Exorcist, will you?
Alaric: How do you two know each other?
Hope: He used to serve me milkshakes at the Mystic Grill.
Landon: Peanut Butter Blast, with whipped cream on the bottom. We danced once.
Hope: We tried. And then you moved away.
Landon: And then you made a door blow off its hinges with your brain. Feel like explaining that?
Lizzie and Josie: Morning, Hope!
Hope: Morning, girls!
Lizzie: More like dispair.
Hope: I heard that!
Alaric: I’m curious, Landon – SLOW DOWN – were you aware of us when you lived in Mystic Falls?
Landon: I knew Hope went to some fancy boarding school. People in town said it was for troubled rich kids. I see the rich part is true. Nobody in town mentioned anyone in here could do that.
Landon: What is there to know, exactly?
Alaric: Well, I used to have a speech prepared, carefully unpeeling the layers of mystical history, but it turns out most people have read Harry Potter and are actually cool with me skipping the tee-up.
Landon: You’re a school for magic?
Alaric: I have some questions about Raphael.
Landon: Like what?
Alaric: Like who he killed, recently.
Lizzie: The wolves are pretty clique-y. They like to hang with their own.
Lizzie: That is why we volunteered to be your tour guide. To give you a good witch welcome before your hairier brethren corrupt you.
Lizzie: Come on. We’ll show you the turret. Its where the seniors go to smoke.
Rafael: What do they smoke, eye of newt?
Alaric: Landon Kirby, Milton Greasley.
Milton: Come on, Dr Saltzman.
Alaric: Right, MG, I’m sorry. Take it from a guy named Alaric, I get it. MG is my student aide.
Hope: He’s also a vampire.
Landon: Of course he is. You know, with a school with a secret to keep. you’re kinda liberal with your information.
Alaric: Well, we don’t intend for you to actually remember any of it.
Landon: I’m in a witch dungeon.
Hope: A werewolf transition space.
Landon: Super. I’m not so good with small spaces.
Lizzie: Melissa Chang made a broom fly last year in Physics last year, but Rick Rodgers fell 30 feet during practice, so real-life Quidditch remains an illusive pipe dream.
Lizzie: I’m nosy, not like in a charming way.
Lizzie: On the plus side, we’re all happy to know you’re single. Oh god. That was my inside voice. I am so sorry. Guys like you make me nervous.
Rafael: Guys like me?
Lizzie: You know . . . hot. Angry. Damaged.
Hope: You should really let a vampire start doing my training, you’re getting a little old for me to break your human bones.
Alaric: How dare you.
Hope: You’re the one that’s always telling me that I need to get out more.
Alaric: I tell you that you need to stop locking yourself in your dorm room, binge-watching Cut Throat Kitchen, I don’t tell you to go out and fraternize with the human locals.
Josie: Dad. Clean up on isle L.
Hope: Can’t sleep either?
Landon: Yeah, small spaces. You?
Hope: Sometimes I get restless.
Landon: Busy brain?
Hope: Busy everything. My body has a lot going on inside of it.
Landon: Which is an awesome segue into you telling me how you can move things with your mind.
Hope: You ask a lot of questions.
Landon: Wouldn’t you?
Alaric: * rings singing bowl * Breathe.
Lizzie: Dad, this is lame.
Alaric: You almost gave me a tracheotomy with a bread knife. Humor me.
Lizzie: Dad. Do you think I’m broken?
Alaric: Of course not. I think your biological mother’s crazy-assed witch ancestors left you with a legacy of darkness that you have to work through.
Lizzie: But Josie doesn’t have freak outs.
Alaric: But Josie spends a lot of time worrying about other people’s happiness. Its a supernatural phenomena called codependency. And I’m pretty sure she got it from my side of the family.
Hope: Don’t touch that.
Landon: Sorry! I didn’t. I mean, I wasn’t. Where are we?
Hope: The Stefan Salvatore Memorial Library. All of the artifacts in here have a supernatural history.
Landon: What’s the story on this one?
Hope: No idea. But, in my experience, your safest bet is to not touch it.
Landon: So, I guess this means you’re a werewolf. He says. Casually.
Hope: I’m a lot of things.
Landon: Care to elaborate?
Hope: They’re just going to make you forget tomorrow.
Landon: Come on. Humor me.
MG: We’ll get in trouble.
Penelope: I know. Seriously? I’m offering to rock your world right now.
MG: For one, we’re not supposed to. For two, last I checked you were more into girls. And for three –
Penelope: No one asked you to bring math into this conversation.
Hope: The blood that runs in my veins isn’t human.
Landon: Klaus Mikaelson: The Great Evil.
Hope: He wasn’t very popular around here.
Landon: Well, our foster dad used to burn us with his cigarettes. I guess evil is relative.
Hope: My mother was a werewolf alpha.
Landon: There’s that “was” again.
Hope: People that I care about have a tendency to die on me. I try not to get close to people anymore.
Landon: Yeah, I can see that.
Hope: My grandmother was a witch. So, all of those things passed down, making me –
Landon: A unicorn.
Hope: – a hybrid of three different creatures. Tribrid. I can control when I turn, which is what I was doing tonight. I’m the only one of my kind.
Landon: Yeah, see. Unicorn.
Josie: I just saw MG with his tongue down you-know-who’s throat.
Lizzie: Gross. He should know better than to make out with the Dark Lord. Bad friend move.
Landon: You are a really nice person, Hope Mikaelson.
Landon: This is the part where you run.
Hope: Yeah, I know.
Landon: I’m not gonna remember any of this, am I?
Hope: Probably not, no.
Landon: Well…in that case.
Alaric: For ten years, we’ve gone undetected. Protecting you, protecting our secret, has been our singular mission. Tonight, I need your help to find Landon Kirby, before he exposes us all.
Josie: Why does everyone find her so special?
MG: She’s not special. She’s just . . . available.
Hope: I need your help.
Josie: Three more words to me than your annual average. Find someone else.
Hope: This stuff with Landon is my fault. I can fix it. I know how to track him, but it involves Dark Magic.
Josie: Well, we’re not allowed to use Dark Magic here, so . . .
Hope: Says the girl who just lit her ex on fire.
Josie: Are you blackmailing me?
Hope: No. No. I’m just looking for a kindred spirit in revenge.
Hope: Funny how life works. After years of pushing people away, I opened my heart to Landon Kirby, the human in the wrong place at the right time, who just needed a place to belong. Turns out, Landon isn’t the hero of my story at all. But when I hunt him down, I’m gonna be the villain of his.
Tune in on Thursday – if you’re not still in a candy coma – and let’s see what verbal tangles we can get in this week!