This episode had – like most of the episodes from the TVD/The Originals folks – so much snark. I especially loved the back-and-forth between Hope and Alaric in this episode. My favorite was when he catches her trying to steal his car.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. Let’s start at the top!
Because even Hope decided that starting at the end didn’t make a whole lot of sense.
Hope: There’s something I need to tell you . . . I just don’t know how. So to make you understand, maybe I should start from the end. On second thought, I’ll start at the beginning.
Landon: Where the Hell are we? What happened?
Alaric: I don’t know. But I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
Alaric: Going somewhere? Better questions: Where the Hell do you think you’re going with my keys, and without telling me?
Hope: Um . . . you know . . . I just said some really harsh things to you yesterday, and so I wanted to get you an oil change as a peace offering.
Alaric: At 3am?
Alaric: What is that?
Hope: It’s basically a supernatural compass.
Alaric: Well, I hope it’s pointing you to your room, because that’s where you’re going.
Seylah: This is embarrassing, you’ve been my best customer all week, and I don’t even know your name.
Landon: It’s Landon.
Seylah: It’s a beautiful one.
Landon: Thanks, I’m, uh, pretty sure you gave it to me.
Alaric: * sings * Indiana, crossroads of America. * normal voice * What’s the capital?
Hope: I’m not in, like, 8th grade.
Alaric: Well, good, you should know it.
Seylah: You didn’t feed her from the table did you?
Landon: Just a little, but I’ve never had a dog, I had no idea that this would happen.
Seylah: It’s ok, the drugs will wear off soon.
Landon: What drugs?
Hope: Eighteen and a half hours is a long time when you’re on the road, and even longer when you’re being car-schooled.
Alaric: And that is how osmosis works.
Alaric: I just wanna make sure we’re clear . . .
Hope: Don’t worry, we’re crystal. You’re Professor X and I’m Wolverine.
Alaric: I was more of a DC kid.
Hope: Then you’re Batman, and I’m Robin. Either way, you call the shots. So how do you wanna do this, hm? Fireball? Wind torrent?
Alaric: I was thinking we’d knock.
Hope: They’ll never see that coming.
Hope: Spoiler alert! Our story’s about to take one Hell of a turn. A monstrous turn.
Landon: If you won’t tell me who “they” are, will you at least tell me why “they” are following you?
Seylah: They weren’t, until you showed up. So . . . maybe they’re following you.
Seylah: Do you have a girlfriend?
Landon: Her name’s Hope. And she’d probably kill us both if she heard you calling her my girlfriend.
Seylah: I doubt that very much.
Landon: Right. Ninja. Hope and I are . . . complicated. I hurt her once, and I don’t think she’s ever gonna forgive me for it.
Seylah: What did you do?
Landon: I lied to her. And other stuff. But, deep down, I think it’s the lying stuff she’ll never understand.
Seylah: She sounds tough.
Landon: Look who’s talking! You two will probably hate each other.
Seylah: I guess it’s true then, boys like girls who remind them of their mothers. You’re stubborn, you’re surrounded by danger . . . you’re my son alright.
Alaric: Um, I’m looking for Landon Kirby.
Seylah: And who the Hell are you?
Alaric: Ummmm . . .
Hope: People who care about him. So tell me where he is, before I blow your head off.
Seylah: You must be Hope.
Seylah: So, you’re the Headmaster of a private school for supernaturals. And you’re the teacher’s pet?
Alaric: Actually, she’s kind of a pain in my ass.
Hope: A little judgy for an absentee mother.
Seylah: You were wrong . . . I like her.
Hope: We’re not monsters.
Seylah: You are to me.
Landon: What’s Malivore?
Hope: It’s a Hell dimension, that consumes creatures, and wipes their existence from the collective conscience. That sound about right?
Seylah: More or less.
Hope: So, why are monsters still coming for you?
Landon: I have no idea, didn’t really get a chance to ask the last one, he just tried to eat me.
Hope: You wanna know the worst part? That wasn’t the worst part.
Seylah: What makes you think I was lying?
Alaric: Bad liars look away from their kids when they lie. Good liars . . . look ’em straight in the eye.
Alaric: So, where’d you take ’em?
Seylah: That’s not important.
Alaric: Seems super important to me.
Seylah: Well then, I’m not gonna tell you. For your own good, believe me.
Landon: Dear Hope, the state of Alabama has . . . like, a million Waffle Houses, and I can not stop thinking about what it feels like to kiss you.
Alaric: So Landon is basically a supernatural Immaculate Conception?
Seylah: I’ll be damned, you believe me.
Alaric: My twins were magically transplanted into their mother’s womb by a coven of witches so my belief tolerance is pretty high.
Seylah: I can’t imagine how you explained that to your kids.
Seylah: I can’t be his mother. Not the way he needs me to be. Sorry.
Alaric: You can’t just leave him, Seylah.
Seylah: He’ll be better off. We all will.
Alaric: Oh! Hey! Uh. Hope, uh, get another room. Now!
Hope: You’re the one that’s always saying I need to connect more with people.
Alaric: Yeah, not literally. Get out.
Landon: Hey, uh, Dr Saltzman, I’m, uh –
Alaric: – a sexed up teenager. It’s perfectly normal, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Landon: *slowly* So, you’re not mad?
Alaric: We’ve got bigger fish to fry. We need to talk about your mother.
Hope: Let me guess, pizza run?
Seylah: Alaric was right, you are a pain.
Hope: I’m not the one stealing a car at the moment.
Seylah: It’s my car, so it’s not stealing.
Hope: Oh, then you’re just afraid to go upstairs and get your keys because then you’d have to tell Landon you’re abandoning him again. Even worse.
Landon: Wait, wait. She got pregnant in Satan’s mudbath?
Alaric: Yeah, that’s, that’s a lot to take in.
Landon: And now she’s gone?
Alaric: Look, being a parent is complicated. Sometimes we convince ourselves we’re doing the right thing, and, in reality, we’re just being really dumb. I’ve gotta check in on Hope, ok?
Landon: Bigger fish! HUGE FISH!
Hope: Icthus! Also, ICK!
Landon: See?! DANGER. MAGNET.
Hope: What the Hell is that?
Alaric: I’m guessing a merman. A PISSED merman.
Alaric: SON OF A BITCH!
Alaric: He’s a fish man on land. How fast can he be, right? OH MY GOD!
Hope: Turns out, he’s pretty fast.
Alaric: Listen, this was your idea, so is it with my bounds as the headmaster to tell you to shut it?!
Alaric: On the bright side, maybe this fence stopped our fishy friend.
Hope: I don’t think so.
Landon: So, what did you want to talk about?
Hope: Would you be my boyfriend?
Landon: Are you serious?
Aren’t those two adorable?
Tune in this week to see who catches the most zingers – and who throws ’em right back!